Celebrity Big Brother 2015 Live Final: Jor-done it

So here we are, D day. Or should that be E day? Or F day? No don't mention the F word. And still I'm wondering; how the hell did Perez get the boot on Weds? I know he had a lot of haters, but Calum STD Best got more votes than him? How so? And don't give me that teenage girl vote bullshit. No self respecting teenage girl would fancy a man with a toupee and a face like a jacket potato. Not to mention those mainstream trainers.
So tell me, who is there to vote for now, who is there to root for? I am not voting for ANYONE. It's a choice between fencesitters and cunts, and I can't bring myself to take either side (although, natually, I'm more of a cunt.) It's obvious Katie Hopkins will win, as the idiotgeneralpublic (t.m.) think she's changed, or because she pretends to cry, she's human or some bullshit. All I can hope for is a Cheggers/Jordan final two. And how boring would that be?
I PRAY Michelle Visage gets chucked out first and gets the Janice Battersby two-by-two exit. I was so upset that she beat Perez, but she was obviously thrilled to see two gay men go in one night, so she could get to the final and speak for them. When Perez called her out on her LGBT bullshit it was a joy and it really upset her, which proved he had a point.
The way Perez was treated in the house was terrible (James Jordan and Jim Davidson were the final insult), and his revelations about production said it all (the Ted files). Anyway, him being evicted on Weds ruined tonight and what would have been a good battle of evil against (fake) evil at the end. Now we have people who've barely spoken against one person who's just a nasty piece of work.
I liked Cheggers '10ps down the phone box' comment. I also liked Katie Hopkins 'kicked out of a care home' comment. 
Why no ex-housemates walking out on the stage? Boo. Oh probably because of the boos.
Jordan has to go see Dr Ottoman for a boob feel. Katie telling her to leave! Hilarious. No hidden agenda there. Not at all! No one resents Jordan for coming in late, just for not kicking Katie Hopkins arse. OMG Katie Hopkins, Visage and Calum having a go at her. Transparent or what. Bad gameplay at the end. Do they think we're dumb?
No final dinner can ever compare to Spencer and Heidi's 'my England, my kryptonite.' Legacy.
No two by two? 'Get Hopkins out'. Woo! 
Michelle is out! Beaten by Queen Jordan! That will teach you. Should have picked your friends better. PS: The LGBT community want their acronym back.
Emma saying to Michelle that she's 'very likeable.' She's about as likeable as Emma. Props for the Leo Sayer reference, though.
Hold on, what the fuck is Emma wearing! How did I just notice that?
Is Perez crying at Michelle slagging him off? Oh, the drama. Going on about 'the gays' again. They're not puppies. It's dehumanising. Also, why is Hopkins not allowed to talk to Perez? Is Michelle the mafia? Get out. The UK doesn't like you back.
Cheggers out next. He also looks disappointed. What's the opposite of wahey? He's giving it the two thumbs up for his photo, you've got to respect that. Then crying like a baby. Thought he was always happy! Lies.
Cheggers loves his wife, I dunno if you've heard. I like the bits where they showed him shouting at people. Those were his best moments. He's right about the acting in the house, too.
Kavana is flipping the bird at Cheggers, what the fuck? The indignity! I like the fact Cheggers refered to him as a 'fellow alcoholic.' Cheggers has washed his hands of Perez. Well, he does enjoy cleaning. Cheggers is getting the wub wubs on his best bits. Standard. Keith is allowed to tell other people to fuck off in his highlights, I see. Hypocrisy!
Calum out next. Hurrah! Pack up your hair piece, your mainstream trainers and get back to your PAs. He'll no doubt be shagging some random in a toilet before the night is out. Nothing interesting to say except bashing Perez. Yawn. I'm glad 'shove it up your arse' made his best bits.
The final two is a total hair or scare. The battle of the bouffants. LOL Jordan went in, did fuck all and won it. Sweet. I cracked and voted for her and Cheggers, too. Tee hee. Hopkins can go back to being a panto villian. Booooo!
Hopkins interview all about Perez, too. 'I don't like people picking on people...' Unless it's me, should have been the end of that sentence. I'm glad she admitted she liked having a sparring partner. Going on about Switzerland again. I'd rather be Switzerland than Cuntworld.
Emma thinks Katie has been phenomenal. Alright then. And that dress you're wearing is flattering.
Jordan is a gibbering wreck. Little does she know she just benefitted from the anti-Hopkins vote.
The Jeggers alliance was triumphant. Hold on, why has Nadia got headphones in?
All Jeggers did was talk about horses, ha. Jordan hopes Michelle hasn't been bitchy about her. Er... oh well. Alex Reid won't be happy. And Pete the Parent will be livid!
One things for sure, there's only one thing we'll remember about this series and he rode the fun train out of there on Wednesday.
Thanks for reading. PS: The bilecast will be out on Sunday. Stay tuned! 

Celebrity Big Brother 2015: Did you miss me?

Why, hello there! Thanks to everyone who's been keeping updated via the obnoxious podcast, and for those who can't stand James, there's this blog, tee hee.
I feel like Big Brother is going to be over before I even get the chance to get my teeth into it, somehow, even though it's a longer series than normal. It has been a great celebrity series, I can't deny it.
So, the old secret room trick, and this time, mildly more plausible than usual, as this series has had more walkers than Rick Grimes encounters on your average sepia-toned afternoon walk. I liked the touch of Perez leaving via the John James exit, but mostly I just like Perez. I was just listening to a podcast where they don't like Perez (RHAP). Can you imagine not liking Perez? I would not be watching Big Brother at this point. Because it IS the Perez show, Perez IS Big Brother, and he's playing the game now, he's playing it sooooo good. From licking his own armpits, to stripping naked, to driving everyone slowly insane, he's where it's at. To argue with it is futile. To argue with it is to be Calum Best.
I'm hoping Cami Li goes but there's no way in hell I'm voting to save Hopkins, Patsy or Nadia. The middle aged mafia can fight it out between themselves. I've got a sneaking feeling Patsy might go.
Is 'chola' racist? The first time I heard it I thought so, but a few seem to be saying it. Let me know!
Cami Li hasn't got the balls to take Jordan on. She knows Jordan is higher up the power rankings in that house. Pecking order is everything. Just ask the trainer police.
Perez is writing viewer questions. The only positive thing I can say about Nadia is she stuck by Perez even after he 'went'. I will give her that as loyalty is a good quality. Other than that, she's a meddling pain in the butt. Talking of which, Visage is invisible this episode, which is wonderful. I can't believe how many people still like her; her game plan is so transparent. She's worse than Cheggers.
Katie Hopkins calling Perez a 'parasite' in the DR; she really has no clue he's gone. I like him clutching her picture in a frame to his crotch.
Even thought he's meant to be gone, the housemates are still talking about Perez non-stop.  Says it all.
Patsy will miss Big Brother like a hole in the head. 'Unique experience'?! Weren't she and Nadia comparing it to a prison sentence yesterday?
Calum and Cami Li's nomance is depressing. Even Ricci and Lauren had more chemistry, LOL! Even Ollie Locke and Sam Faiers' boil were more compatible. It's tragic.
Perez works well with his own company. I doubt if I'd be so animated on my own. I know Perez is fake and annoying, but he's just got something compelling about him. He's one of the best American players we've ever had (Busey and Spiedi just pip him) and one of the most entertaining housemates ever, in my opinion. I can imagine if you hate him, you really fucking hate him. And that makes me like him all the more! I'm surprised how many people don't get it. But the crowd has never been more split that this year, everyone is hating on everyone else's favourites. And I like that.
Crowd is chanting 'get Cami out' yet cheering for Katie Hopkins. Why? Idiot general public, that's why! Loonies in anoraks, y'all.I'm actually glad Nadia is safe for when Perez comes back, even though she gets on my last nerve. Hopkins also safe. Probably in her contract. Fuck, Patsy is out. I called it! She looks fucking thrilled to be going. Elated. I'm not sad she's gone as she offered nothing. She was the female Frankie Dettori.
Patsy seems more relaxed already. Emma: 'There's a time and a place for an opinion, and you don't have to say every opinion you have.' Only someone with no opinion would say such a thing. I have an opinion on EVERYTHING. Emma doesn't struggle to have an opinion when faced with a female housemate she feels hasn't lived up to her exacting standards, though.
Someone on Twitter is telling me Perez was bullying Katie Hopkins. How can people see things so differently? Katie Hopkins is a professional bully. Perez is an eccentric.
Patsy: 'I'm not going back in, am I?' and 'I don't want to see my best bits.' Ha. Patsy's like your mum when you try and take a picture of her. There's no harm in her, bless!
It's such a crap way of them showing that Perez is still there, letting them see it on screen. There's so many better ways of letting him back in! Like he could have gone back in dressed as a giant Mr Buns. Or as Reg Holdsworth. A VT is all they got? 'I knew it!' etc. Hopkins looks rattled.
Perez: 'Did you miss me?' LOL. 'Cheers motherfuckers.'
Glad Cami stayed now as she looks super pissy. Haha to the pass to the final/ eternal nomination reveal. Eternal nomination! Boo! Typical idiot general public, don't know what they're doing. They literally don't know their arse from their elbow. Luckily Perez will be safe anyway on a vote to save and the others will have to turn on each other when nominating.
Perez holding court at the end, ha. He does love all eyes on him. Why is he slating Patsy! Hopkins, Cami Li and Visage all look stony faced. Jordan pumping him for information. He's lording it! He's in his element. Let's eternally damn the loonies in anoraks. How many more evictions are there even?! Save Perez.You know it makes no sense... but perfect television.

Celebrity Big Brother 2015: Reg No-worth

So Ken gets the boot tonight, three days too late. Why give the little troll another chance to insult someone?
Talking of trolls, here goes Perez, yapping away again, ordering people about. I didn't pay attention at the start of this task and now I don't know what the fuck is going on. NICE BIKE! It looks cheap as fuck. One exercise bike. How much was that, £44 from Argos? What the hell have they got on their heads? Bikes make me think of Callum form Dexter's year, taking it on board in his horrible t-shirts. Poor sod.
Nadia bugs the crap out of me, declaring Cheggers a national treasure. He's not. He's an annoying person who pops up on TV from time to time; like Paul Ross or Chris Packham. Rold Harris was a national treasure, and he wasn't even British, and he was a paedophile. So maybe national treasures aren't all they're cracked up to be anyway.
Kavana is singing in an American accent. Why? Chloe reminds me of Rylan facially. They both have a bit of a sunken look. I think it's like sculpting, or contouring or whatever the fuck it's called, but they've overdone it and now they look like The Scream.
Aw, Calum, 'A lot of the time my dad played football with me it was set up with pictures.' That's sad. It is sad when your dad is a drunk or a wifebeater. It leaves a mark on you that never comes off. Calum actually seems OK on the whole. I could see him in the final.
Oh OK, they're doing endurance cycling to raise non existent money. Like Frankie Grande's orphanages (one for the Americans there).
God, Perez is taking offence again. At Patsy. What the fuck? She wasn't being offensive. She was taking an interest in Alexander's life story, by the sounds of things. It is a shame racism is so offensive in America; I thought we were more tolerant here, but then... Reg/Ken. Jade. It's embarrassing, isn't it? It's embarrassing when people who are foreign come here and we insult them. I find it shameful. But Patsy is not that.
Patsy; waterproof mascara, please. Snoop Dogg, I hope you're pleased with yourself. Your lyrics have caused an international race war (not really). Alexander seems cool. He's very chilled about everything.
Now Ken is calling Patsy a scrubber. Leave it out, Reg. It's getting old. 
This song for the task is shite, but I enjoyed the key change.
OMG Ken is going on at Chloe about Jeremy now. It's the victim blame day today. Going into a room to help someone out when they're being sick is asking for it apparently.  The Wright Stuff was absolutely despicable today; Dr David Bull was on saying 'what on earth was she doing in her dressing gown in the bathroom with him?' Er... seeing if he was alright? There was some other fucking spud on who was even grosser. Check it out if you can bear it. Even Lowri Turner, alleged feminist, didn't defend Chloe.
This Cami Li rant seemed to come out of nowhere, was it related to the Jeremy conversation? Nadia calling Ken passive aggressive; he's not, he's aggressive aggressive. Nadia is passive aggressive. She's a Linda Nolan/ Colleen Nolan/ Denise Welch typical middle aged sanctimonious boot. I can't STAND her. She's worse than Perez, IMO.
Reg: 'They are some of the best looking arses I've ever seen.' NOT CREEPY AT ALL. That was quite frightening, but he gave Nadia exactly what she wanted.
Nadia is trying to set herself up as some kind of moral crusader, which doesn't suit her. It's not about rape, it's about an old perv. OMG Perez is staring Reg out now. This is getting weird. That was actually quite threatening when Perez said to him, 'If I were you, I'd fear for my safety when I leave the house.'
LOL Perez is getting a tell off for threatening Ken with the old 'pow pow pow' treatment. Perez: 'I'm smart.' No, you're not. I love the fact Big Brother got audibly annoyed with Perez there. I don't think I've ever heard Big Brother snap at someone like that before.
OMG now Alex is telling Chloe off for showing too much skin when she gets changed! Poor woman, she's being branded the house harlot just for being young and pretty. They're going to be burning her at the stake next. I understand Alexander is old. But give the girl a break, she's had a rough couple of days. Is it really that offensive if you get a glimpse of her bum? Reg would love it.
So the straw that broke the camels back was the phrase: 'Negro rhythms'. At least he didn't say it TO Alexander this time. Just ABOUT Frank Bruno. Hope he's not watching.
So was he just being as objectionable as possible to get removed? I suppose the only way we would know is if we find out if they get paid or not. If he gets paid anyway, it's no skin off his nose to act the goat and get thrown out as soon as possible. But if not then he's just a thick cunt. In fact, let's just go with that.

BBC3: Glamour models, mum and me

What do you do when your mum is Alicia Douvall and she's pushing you to be a glamour model? Run away screaming.
Alicia Douvall is tapped in the head. Her thinking that 'the body is powerful and can make her easy money' about her own daughter Georgia is so screwed up, it's enough to make a feminist weep. What mother wants her daughter to have an unnecessary operation? She probably just wants her to be as disfigured as she is. I think the kid sees right through it; well it's not exactly a good advert, is it?
You are SEXUALISING A CHILD. Fucked up! It's actually child abuse.
Of course, if your mum wants you to be a glamour model, you become a scientist. If your mum wants you to be a scientist you become a glamour model. That's why I'm not having kids.
Alicia is an absolute idiot. Telling your child they don't need a back up plan when your plan seemed to be selling 25,000 kiss and tells and getting your face mashed up is pathetic. She looks like a burns victim.
Bloc Party are the background music for every BBC3 documentary I ever see! Kele, what you playing at?!
God, then Alicia is insisting she's her daughter's best friend. Just be a MOTHER. And I don't normally judge people's parenting, because I don't exactly have any experience in that area, but come on. Even an idiot guest on Jeremy Kyle could work this one out.
Next Georgia had to miss a load of school because Alicia had to have her breast operation fixed in LA. Jesus. She is actually jeopardising her kid's chance at an education to have work done on her mangled body.
The imbalance in their relationship is seriously disturbing. Georgia seems about 30 and Alicia seems about 12.
Even in agony at the millionth breast reconstruction, Alica was STILL trying to persuade her small child to get a boob job. That is mental illness.
Alicia: 'she speaks in another language to me, about atoms, not bikinis'. Yes, she's got a brain. She's seen who you are, and doesn't want to be it.
At the end there was some unconvincing epiphany when Alicia said to her daughter, 'you're perfect as you are.'
Yeah, see you in Nuts. Unless you RUN. Run, kiddo.