Thursday, 8 September 2011

Celebrity Big Brother - Monozygotic for the people

How are they going to kick out seven people in two hours? Briefly, obviously. Kerry looks very nervous, she obviously thinks she's in with a shot. The difference is, in the jungle she was down to earth and without guile. Now she's calculating, contrived and washed-up. Still, the thicko public will still throw her a few pity votes.
The only way Bobby would win best housemate is via an eniminiminimo situation. His personality is a bit eniminiminimo, too.
Paddy seems so genuine in the DR. But I STILL don't fully buy it. I'd like him to come second, though. My ideal finish would be Jedward, Paddy, Amy, Bobby, Darryn, Kerry, Lucien, but really Amy, Bobby, Darryn and Lucien are fairly interchangeable on my scale of could-give-a-shit. They're all just whatevs. Hope the real show isn't going to have me feeling like that. I need someone to champion! Jedward don't feel like a housemate, really, they're more like a performance art project.
Seven is too many people to have in the final. I can't keep up my interest seven times. Bobby out first. Bobby should have been out long ago.
Oh, look at him all handsome at the top of the stairs. He could have been great. Lol to 'I just want to make you sweat' song. They should play that line 'I drank your sweat like it was wine' from the Bright Eyes song 'A poetic retelling of an unfortunate seduction' (now that's a song title). It's a proper whinefest, too, so very appropriate.
Where do the scrape up those cretins to cheer in the studio?
Ooh, Brian calling Bobby out, that was brave to say people were '100% disgusted' with sweatgate, because that's not exactly true. I wasn't that fussed.
What is it with Bobby and Jedward? Get off their coattails! He didn't seem that taken about about sweatgate and was fairly unapologetic. Mind you, they didn't prime him to be contrite like they did with Jade over Shettygate. Sweatgate is hardly taking over the world with it's controversy. It was one sweaty cunt annoying another sweaty cunt. I can see that every night of the week on this show.
Please let it be Lucien next! I would die laughing. Jedward are done up like Scooch. I want to see Amy go soon, too.
Ah, it's Darryn, looking every inch the cuntatoo. Brian is doing good! Must be a head fuck for him hosting this live final. He's normally winning it!
I think Brian is more upset about sweatgate than Darryn. Darryn was all about keeping the house happy. Really? Didn't feel like it when Tara Reid was in there, you neon numpty.
Brian touched the abs! They looked squidgy. Vom. LOL, he owns part of the abs company. I wonder if Abs from Five is involved?
LOl Darryn actually thinks people think he's the man. He's doing to get a shock in a few days. Was sweatgate not in his best bits? Opportunity missed.
Amy gets no cheers or boos when her name is mentioned, just a wall of silence. Quite apt, really.
Everyone looks so nervous except Jedward. SO glad Lucien went before Amy. The nation has spoken. Get your coat. And why has he got a scarf on? LOL to them playing Womaniser. Good. Eat it! Do you know what, this show's not all bad. There's been a few well timed digs so far.
Jedward spitting on their fingers and smoothing each other's eyebrows. I could just die of happiness. Love like that, you and I can never understand it. That is love that comes from being born from one single egg. It's mind-blowing. I'm deadly serious. Twins are amazing.
My friend just texted to say 'Lucien needs to be brought to account, like the Hague enquiry.' Come on, Brian, don't let us down.
What has Laviscunt got to be worried about? Except his appalling behaviour, of course. Why is Brian pandering to him? Mad.
Oh Lucien, stop blaming Tara for voting for Darryn. You got your own mind, don't you? His fancying of Amy is just sheep-style as well. She's a 'pin up' so I must fancy her. Zzz.
Well at least we know who Lucien Laviscount is now. And we know he's a gigantic knob. (I wont) see you on Casualty.
Aw, Jedward are holding hands. I love them soooo much.
I like Amy's gold dress, she looks nice. I'd still like to see her fall down the stairs though. Is that wrong? How do you wash a dress made of metally stuff? Or do you just bin it?
I'm glad Amy didn't get booed. Why is Brian calling her 'love'? Amy looks like she's put her eyeliner on as lipliner by mistake. Why didn't Lucien and Kerry get together? Because of you, that's why! I like her hair colour. I want to go orange.
'This is Brian.' 'This is Jedward.' That doesn't get old, somehow. Jedward just got some booage! Noooo.
WTF!!! OMG Jedward are 3rd? You have got to be kidding me. WHAT?! Jedward MADE that show. Out before Katona and Paddy! WHY are they getting booed??? This is a fucking joke. They even did uncordinated poses coming out of the doors. It reminded me of X Factor. As Jedward came sliding down the banister...
This is really shocking. There's no way Jedward should be third. There was no show without Jedward! What have Kerry or Paddy DONE?!
Here's some things Jedward did: had a ridiculous bath. Made a toast tower. Ramraided Lidl. Gave Amy a wedgie. Here are some things Kerry and Paddy did:
Like literally everyone I know loves Jedward! I've understood about two sentences out of Paddy's mouth.
Brian going 'and that's not all...' like Dan Savage makes me lol. How come Jedward were getting such big cheers at the start and then boos at the end! Something is amiss!
I think when Jedward speak really fast, it's because they're a bit nervous.
Jedward: 'we're like an injection of ecstasy.' I want Jedward to inject me with ecstasy. And then fuck off, quick. I don't think they even realise ecstasy is a drug. They think Haribo is ecstasy.
I like Jedward with flat hair. I like that song that goes 'this place about to blow.' I bet you can get a wicked dance remix of it. Washing machines ahoy!
Jedward make me feel proper happy. The fact they didn't win is a NATIONAL DISGRACE. We should be ASHAMED it's worse than the riots!
Hope it's Paddy, not Kerry. But as she's OK's bitch, it's probably a fix.
Paddy! His joy at winning was great. Very glad it was him and not her! Bet his mammy is pleased. Kerry did look genuinely happy for him, too.
Kerry is having a hypo. She's proper shaking!
You can't put that much wrong, right, Kerry. What's going on with Kerry's hair? It looks crispy, like she's had some sort of sexual accident.
I guess God really was on Paddy's side. Either that or Danny Dyer's got a hell of a phone bill.
Paddy's happiness is quite touching. He thought Jedward was going to win? So did we!
I don't think Brian can understand a word Paddy is saying.
Brian: five million people are NOT watching this show.
Aw to Brian and Paddy both having a cry. Cute. Was nice seeing him cuddle his wife, you can tell they really love each other. 'I want a priest and a doctor' lol.
To sum up, I think my friend Dawn said it better than I ever could: 'So an ex junkie multi-ma and a mysogynistic law breaking pugilist are better than symbiotic, odd, gold-dust twins? Britain disgusts me!'
Oh, mammy. What does he win? I still don't know.
Pamela Anderson! Now she turns up. You're about three weeks too late, for fuck's sake. Weird.
Note for BB's 'social media' experiment: you're still not trending on Twitter. It's the final. Go figure. Bring back the live feed, you fucking idiots.
Does this REALLY start all over again tomorrow? To quote Katona, fuck a duck. Give me a day off, won't you. I've got a busy social life!*
*I haven't.

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