Thursday, 22 September 2011

The X Factor USA

How shall I start this blog? With a glib comment about how Cheryl's probably watching Watchdog instead? With a comment about Simon's frozen mush? Or with a statement about what my cats have been up to today? All this and MORE!
I kind of missed Simon's'this is the best/worst thing I've ever seen this season/ in my life/ since last week' bullshit.
Ah, there's Steve Jones. Pretending not to have a Welsh accent. I hope he can pretend not to be a massive prick, also. But I wouldn't bet on it. Why is he in that truck?
Who is LA Reid? I prefer Alex Reid. I also prefer Randy, if we're picking between black bald talent show judges with glasses. Joining them for the LA auditions is Cheryl Cole. Yes, she's just popping by. Coo-ee!
Oh they're doing the live auditions ala BGT. I hate live auditions. I prefer the private thrills.
Steve Jones is bellowing in an accent that is not his own. No sign of him since the truck times, though.
You get five million dollars for winning this show? I can't stand children on these sorts of shows usually but that first girl was REALLY good. Aw, look at Chezza, all wide eyed. They let her down, you know. I can't stand her, but she's still worth 150 Scherzingers.
Paula is looking a bit 'slidey faced'. She doesn't appear drunk - yet. Why does Simon have to have one special little friend at a time? It's a bit childish, isn't it. I don't like the way he's alienating Cheryl. It's hurtful and pathetic. Let's be honest, he's a bit emotionally retarded, isn't he? And look at what he did to Louis! Never forget (as Gary well knows).
I like this effeminate character. Has he got painted clothes on? I like this old couple, too, they're mental.
Steve Jones. Where are you? LA Reid has said absolutely nothing of interest. Who IS he?
LOL to 'it was like you were singing, and she swallowed poison.' Tulisa doesn't come out with that sort of shit. A note on the UK X Factor: I've stopped watching it. Kelly Rowland is one percent less entertaining than a balloon with a smiley face painted on it. Tulisa doesn't even have the attitude we were promised, she's just dull. And I could see Gary Barlow doing the voiceover for Dignitas adverts, should the clinics ever take off in the UK. Just imagine him now, saying 'The place to go to die peacefully.' I'd go.
I've seen Katy Perry sing Firework worse that that blonde girl did.
Ah, Cheryl's sitting by Simon today. Does she get to wear a special badge or something? The X Factor panel is like a Super Sweet 16 party, except it's Super Sweet nearly 60s.
I like the obnoxious girl in the red hotpants. The quality of auditions have been quite good so far. Simon trying to browbeat LA Reid into changing his opinion about her. Doesn't he want judges to have differing opinions? This alleged 'chemistry' between him and Simon is nowhere to be seen.
That downtrodden woman was good, but she was a bit out of tune in parts. That's twice LA Reid has said about the hair standing up on the back of his neck. Is that the new 'proper little popstar' or 'you have the likeability factor'?
And then Cheryl was gone, replaced by that useless nicey-nicey but rip-off-the-mask and she's festering underneath Nicole I-am-31-honestly Scherzinger. If she ever had an interesting point to make I'd get such a shock, I'd probably jump in the ocean. Any single member of Girls Aloud would have been better. Yeah, even Nadine, with THAT accent.
I like the fact one audition actually made Paula throw up. Is that water in your bottle, Paula? I still don't know what that guy did cos I wasn't paying attention.
On the UK X Factor if you say 'I watch children' you'd get arrested.
What did you get for your birthday, Nicole? Was it to trample on someone else's dreams and steal their job? Heartless waxy old witch.
Band: 'The Answer'. Is that like 'The Reason'? If they are the answer, what's the question? I think it's 'Are they as good as Jedward?' and we KNOW the answer. Got her lipstick on, dadadadada.
Oh, btw, I finally saw Steve Jones about 59 minutes in. He has none of the warmth and craggy charm of Dermot and his rollnecks. He's like a Just For Men advert come to life.
I like this guy who's 70 days clean out of rehab. Wait until they get him singing Unchained Melody instead of his own song. The auditions have been much better than ours. Mind you, they have a much bigger pool of talent to choose from.
LA Reid likes it! He reminds me of someone but I haven't worked out who yet. I bet the hairs on the back of his neck are standing up now. Coldplay! This is your cue to cry. Aw, that was cute. They got me! Lucky he was good, hey? Otherwise, that could have been some serious car crash TV.
US Xfactory (thanks for that one, Moz) verdict? So far, much better than ours. But not as good as The Voice. Stalemate!

No comments: