Celebrity Big Brother - Monozygotic for the people

How are they going to kick out seven people in two hours? Briefly, obviously. Kerry looks very nervous, she obviously thinks she's in with a shot. The difference is, in the jungle she was down to earth and without guile. Now she's calculating, contrived and washed-up. Still, the thicko public will still throw her a few pity votes.
The only way Bobby would win best housemate is via an eniminiminimo situation. His personality is a bit eniminiminimo, too.
Paddy seems so genuine in the DR. But I STILL don't fully buy it. I'd like him to come second, though. My ideal finish would be Jedward, Paddy, Amy, Bobby, Darryn, Kerry, Lucien, but really Amy, Bobby, Darryn and Lucien are fairly interchangeable on my scale of could-give-a-shit. They're all just whatevs. Hope the real show isn't going to have me feeling like that. I need someone to champion! Jedward don't feel like a housemate, really, they're more like a performance art project.
Seven is too many people to have in the final. I can't keep up my interest seven times. Bobby out first. Bobby should have been out long ago.
Oh, look at him all handsome at the top of the stairs. He could have been great. Lol to 'I just want to make you sweat' song. They should play that line 'I drank your sweat like it was wine' from the Bright Eyes song 'A poetic retelling of an unfortunate seduction' (now that's a song title). It's a proper whinefest, too, so very appropriate.
Where do the scrape up those cretins to cheer in the studio?
Ooh, Brian calling Bobby out, that was brave to say people were '100% disgusted' with sweatgate, because that's not exactly true. I wasn't that fussed.
What is it with Bobby and Jedward? Get off their coattails! He didn't seem that taken about about sweatgate and was fairly unapologetic. Mind you, they didn't prime him to be contrite like they did with Jade over Shettygate. Sweatgate is hardly taking over the world with it's controversy. It was one sweaty cunt annoying another sweaty cunt. I can see that every night of the week on this show.
Please let it be Lucien next! I would die laughing. Jedward are done up like Scooch. I want to see Amy go soon, too.
Ah, it's Darryn, looking every inch the cuntatoo. Brian is doing good! Must be a head fuck for him hosting this live final. He's normally winning it!
I think Brian is more upset about sweatgate than Darryn. Darryn was all about keeping the house happy. Really? Didn't feel like it when Tara Reid was in there, you neon numpty.
Brian touched the abs! They looked squidgy. Vom. LOL, he owns part of the abs company. I wonder if Abs from Five is involved?
LOl Darryn actually thinks people think he's the man. He's doing to get a shock in a few days. Was sweatgate not in his best bits? Opportunity missed.
Amy gets no cheers or boos when her name is mentioned, just a wall of silence. Quite apt, really.
Everyone looks so nervous except Jedward. SO glad Lucien went before Amy. The nation has spoken. Get your coat. And why has he got a scarf on? LOL to them playing Womaniser. Good. Eat it! Do you know what, this show's not all bad. There's been a few well timed digs so far.
Jedward spitting on their fingers and smoothing each other's eyebrows. I could just die of happiness. Love like that, you and I can never understand it. That is love that comes from being born from one single egg. It's mind-blowing. I'm deadly serious. Twins are amazing.
My friend just texted to say 'Lucien needs to be brought to account, like the Hague enquiry.' Come on, Brian, don't let us down.
What has Laviscunt got to be worried about? Except his appalling behaviour, of course. Why is Brian pandering to him? Mad.
Oh Lucien, stop blaming Tara for voting for Darryn. You got your own mind, don't you? His fancying of Amy is just sheep-style as well. She's a 'pin up' so I must fancy her. Zzz.
Well at least we know who Lucien Laviscount is now. And we know he's a gigantic knob. (I wont) see you on Casualty.
Aw, Jedward are holding hands. I love them soooo much.
I like Amy's gold dress, she looks nice. I'd still like to see her fall down the stairs though. Is that wrong? How do you wash a dress made of metally stuff? Or do you just bin it?
I'm glad Amy didn't get booed. Why is Brian calling her 'love'? Amy looks like she's put her eyeliner on as lipliner by mistake. Why didn't Lucien and Kerry get together? Because of you, that's why! I like her hair colour. I want to go orange.
'This is Brian.' 'This is Jedward.' That doesn't get old, somehow. Jedward just got some booage! Noooo.
WTF!!! OMG Jedward are 3rd? You have got to be kidding me. WHAT?! Jedward MADE that show. Out before Katona and Paddy! WHY are they getting booed??? This is a fucking joke. They even did uncordinated poses coming out of the doors. It reminded me of X Factor. As Jedward came sliding down the banister...
This is really shocking. There's no way Jedward should be third. There was no show without Jedward! What have Kerry or Paddy DONE?!
Here's some things Jedward did: had a ridiculous bath. Made a toast tower. Ramraided Lidl. Gave Amy a wedgie. Here are some things Kerry and Paddy did:
Like literally everyone I know loves Jedward! I've understood about two sentences out of Paddy's mouth.
Brian going 'and that's not all...' like Dan Savage makes me lol. How come Jedward were getting such big cheers at the start and then boos at the end! Something is amiss!
I think when Jedward speak really fast, it's because they're a bit nervous.
Jedward: 'we're like an injection of ecstasy.' I want Jedward to inject me with ecstasy. And then fuck off, quick. I don't think they even realise ecstasy is a drug. They think Haribo is ecstasy.
I like Jedward with flat hair. I like that song that goes 'this place about to blow.' I bet you can get a wicked dance remix of it. Washing machines ahoy!
Jedward make me feel proper happy. The fact they didn't win is a NATIONAL DISGRACE. We should be ASHAMED it's worse than the riots!
Hope it's Paddy, not Kerry. But as she's OK's bitch, it's probably a fix.
Paddy! His joy at winning was great. Very glad it was him and not her! Bet his mammy is pleased. Kerry did look genuinely happy for him, too.
Kerry is having a hypo. She's proper shaking!
You can't put that much wrong, right, Kerry. What's going on with Kerry's hair? It looks crispy, like she's had some sort of sexual accident.
I guess God really was on Paddy's side. Either that or Danny Dyer's got a hell of a phone bill.
Paddy's happiness is quite touching. He thought Jedward was going to win? So did we!
I don't think Brian can understand a word Paddy is saying.
Brian: five million people are NOT watching this show.
Aw to Brian and Paddy both having a cry. Cute. Was nice seeing him cuddle his wife, you can tell they really love each other. 'I want a priest and a doctor' lol.
To sum up, I think my friend Dawn said it better than I ever could: 'So an ex junkie multi-ma and a mysogynistic law breaking pugilist are better than symbiotic, odd, gold-dust twins? Britain disgusts me!'
Oh, mammy. What does he win? I still don't know.
Pamela Anderson! Now she turns up. You're about three weeks too late, for fuck's sake. Weird.
Note for BB's 'social media' experiment: you're still not trending on Twitter. It's the final. Go figure. Bring back the live feed, you fucking idiots.
Does this REALLY start all over again tomorrow? To quote Katona, fuck a duck. Give me a day off, won't you. I've got a busy social life!*
*I haven't.

Celebrity Big Brother - The Dull Monty

Do Jedward have friends? Do they even like their own brother? Have they even kissed a girl? I want to know these things.
Kerry is 31. I am 31. Can I imagine having four kids? No. Would I get off with a 19 year old? If I was single I would. Why not?
To be fair, the only time Amy WAS all over Lucien was when she was pissed out of her head. If you sleep with a very drunk girl, the law says she can't consent and it's technically rape. So her snogging him when she was out of her tree, is hardly an indication of undying romance, just severely impaired judgement, which he was happy to take advantage of.
Is Kerry embarrassed of the things she's done in the house, or out of it? Hard to say. This is an Oscar winning performance here in the DR. You're going to have to kill Jedward first, kiddo. What's the prize on this show anyway? Another thing I don't know. I'll add it to the list.
Why is Jedward doing Big Brother's voice in a German accent? A dig at Lucien. Nice.
Paddy, stop hating on the Haribo and talking about your mummy.
I didn't pay attention to the task because I was looking at cat trees. Darryn bragging about the women he's allegedly bedded. Gross.
Jedward in hotpants was quite sexy. I like his thighs. Even my boyfriend fancies Jedward now. It's pretty much compulsory on the current reality TV curriculum.
Big Brother should not kowtow to demands to play music into the house.
Kerry does look better now she's not totally clad in knitwear. Interesting how Amy reacts when Kerry dolls up, and it's not just fantasy, she does get competitive. She's a bit of a spoilt brat, really. That strip was whack, I preferred Jedward's one.
Just some retrospective filler at the end. Come on now, it's hardly been a legacy year. This aint the dream factory, more like the snooze shoebox.
VOTE JEDWARD. And if you vote for Lucien or Bobby I'm gonna come round there and stamp on your fingers. And your phone. And your BABIES! You have been told.

Celebrity Big Brother - Rejection is one thing...

Still can't believe the girlband lost that task. But can believe even less we're still on this fucking task. Get a new idea already.
What's with the band getting to share their cooked breakfast with the 'have nots'. Surely that defeats the object. Where are the BOUNDARIES! Get the rulebook out, for Christ's sake.
Talking of Christ, why has Paddy got such a dislike for Amy? What about the appalling way Lucien treated Kerry? Paddy is quite sexist. I suppose I have to just eat it up and go 'well, it's his culture.' Fuck that.
Jedward have only got a couple of thousand hardcore fans? I thought they'd have a few more than that. Mind you, depends what hardcore means, I suppose. Jedward's number one fan must be pleased she got a mention. Darryn looked jealous, I think he's got a taste for the boyband life.
It looks kind of fun sleeping in the garden. I think they're having more fun than the indoor peeps.
I didn't like the way Paddy was talking about his wife, either.
Edward: 'I'm wondering what John is thinking?' Aw that's cute. He doesn't like having to think about other people's feelings. Yeah, weird other people! Sod them! That was the sweetest thing ever. So he uses John as a barrier. Is he the weaker twin? I wish I had a bit longer to find out now they're actually giving them their own edit. I like Edward best now! John must be the cocky one, or maybe it's just this task making him seem that way. Are we going to see all those autographs on ebay now? They're just flogging their CD again, aren't they?
Amy has made Edward look like Patrick Wolf after a bender. Hope he throws a mic stand at Darryn next.
Amy just realised she's an adult at 23. Sad, isn't it?
Can you imagine all this misogynistic banter uncut on live feed? I bet it's a shocker to listen to. Bobby, why are you still there? You're like plankton, but with a bit of a personality problem, like Plankton in Spongebob Squarepants, then.
They never used to give them spirits to drink in Big Brother. Irresponsible C5. Lucien giving Amy the brush off whilst trying to get a straw into his hateful gob. LOL at her 'don't worry, I'll be drunk in a minute'. Best mates? Ouch.
Lucien looked proper miffed. Rejection is one thing, but rejection from a fool is cruel. It's got to hurt his precious little ego. The little shit was proper seething when Bobby said he was only 19. You could tell Kerry recognised the signs off 'angry little man about to pop' as she looked wary.
If Jedward did that shit with the M&Ms there'd be hell to pay!
Was nice when Paddy was saying he could let his guard down in the BB house. I think my guard would be right up on TV, personally. Was cute that he was happy people were shouting his name. I'm really torn on him, because I think he is a decent bloke, but I just don't agree with a lot of his views. A leopard can't change it's colours. Unless you paint it.
Lucien: 'you've made me feel like a muppet'. Is it that gross jumper you're wearing? I like the way Amy just ignored him. Why shouldn't Amy flirt with him? Lucien flirts with Kerry non-stop. SUCH double standards. Breathtaking levels of double standards.
Lucien's got his Big Brother brain on (t.m. the Irrepressible Dark Horse). It's so rich him having a go at Amy for leading him on when he's been doing nothing but lead people on in that house. Kerry just buried her feelings, he wants to hang his dirty laundry all over the Big Brother garden. Well, that's his choice. Be a man about it! (There, that's sexist)
At the same time, Amy is manipulative. She knows full well what she's doing. But they're both as bad as each other. Amy says they're being watched by 8 million people. Who's going to tell her?
Lucien fancies Amy because people 'put things in his head'. No. he just thinks he's SUPPOSED to fancy her. I don't think he even fancied her!
Bobby castigating Amy for mixed signals. WHAT ABOUT LUCIEN'S MIXED SIGNALS? Oh, but he's 19, he's a player. HE'S A MAN.
Lucien, Disneyland Paris is better than Disneyland Florida. I've been to both.
Is Amy going to sleep with false eyelashes on? Prick tease! *irony*
You know, sometimes someone gets off with someone and then realises they don't fancy them. That's life. Maybe he's a really shit kisser. Maybe he's got really bad breath? Or (more likely) maybe she just wants some orange Neanderthal man. I'm sure Alex Ried will be available in six months or so. Can we all move on now?

Celebrity Big Brother - Blowjob jaw

Amy being talked about as if she's a piece of meat, as usual. Kerry chatting about her boring mother, as usual. Paddy mumbling incoherently as usual. What you gonna do about it hard man? Come round and bore me to death? Ah, then he just said 'oh mammy' and it made me laugh. Forgiven!
Amy spends three hours getting ready? Why does she look such a dog's dinner, then? God, can there be anything sadder than women subjugating themselves like this? Don't get me wrong, I wear make up. I spend approximately 3 minutes putting it on. I spend about five seconds combing my hair. I don't get what all the rollers are about. Her hair is straight!
Oh God, and she wants a baby as well. What has she got to pass onto a baby? No, really, what wisdom has she got to impart? Why do stupid people always want babies? It can't be good for humanity. She IS a bug. I once watched a TV show called 'Help, I'm no bigger than a bug'. It was quite disappointing.
Jedward seem a bit lost without Tara. They look like they've got lipstick on today. I want to read some Jedward slash fiction. No, it's not slash fiction, is it? What's the porno one called? Oh my God, what am I saying? Look what you've driven me to!
God, not more of this tragic task. Haven't we suffered enough? John/ Jedward drool. You'd probably get a few quid for that if you sold it on ebay. I can't believe he can keep still for that long. Lucien looks like a serene mermaid. Now this is endurance!
I just searched for topless pictures of Jedward. Found some quite good ones. Now, appropriately enough, John has got blowjob jaw. No one wants that.
Kerry Katona: 'really famous in Asia'. Well, so are Shampoo, so it doesn't mean much. I wonder what Shampoo look like now. I bet they're still pretty cool.
All this shrieking in the groupie bit is getting on my nerves. It feels like nothing happened tonight. It feels like the course has been run.
OMG Sam Pepper and Shabby on BOTS. Fetch my 'bad attitude' spray. Now, go to your room.

Celebrity Big Brother - Nomance

I am really shocked that they are going on about Lucien and Amy in front of Kerry. I thought Amy would be too embarrassed. Kerry is well within her rights to be annoyed, I think. Lucien is a total PLAYA. I think he has behaved disgustingly. And you can say he's a free agent or whatever, but it's HIM who created that situation and trampled on people's feelings, and I don't like that.
Bobby on Amy and Lucien: WTF does 'you properly popped in' mean? Honestly, the way they go on about women is gross. So did they snog or what?!
Did I just hear Jedward slag someone off?! Shock. I want to see them show their teeth a bit. Am I going to have to hear about this Amycien shit all day. Kerry's fake humour over the whole situation is so transparent. I wouldn't even pretend to be OK with it.
It's nice seeing Jedward separated. I fee like Big Brother has done us a disservice this year by not letting us get to know them individually. I feel quite embarrassed that I still can't tell them apart.
Is Darryn short? He seems to have short man syndrome. Talk about a frustrated z-lister. This highlights episode has been quite duff so far.
It's not hard to learn the lyrics to one Take That song. I liked John's body popping. Darryn's cod piece looked quite... empty.
I wish I could just see them sitting round having a chat. So tired of having these tasks foisted upon me like some unwanted STD.
The girl band was a lot better than the boy band, though. Hard to believe Kerry and Edward were/ are professional singers. They are showing about 15 minutes too much of this task. have they really got no other footage?
Darryn covered in baby oil? Fetch me my matches. Do they leave Jedward alone cooking? I wouldn't trust Jedward to make a cheese sandwich.
My God, this episode has been SO BORING. It's actually been painful to watch. This nomance is useless. Jedward eating a frozen banana is much more riveting.
Amy is actually quite manipulative. She's put pay to Kerry and Lucien and now walking away like 'what did I do?' She looked irked when Kerry said he was a baby.
Do you think Darryn has ever had a lasting relationship with a woman? He has no respect for or understanding of women.
I don't think I've ever been less interested in a BB showmance. Amy Childs and her idea of what's sexy or fanciable is just empty and tragic, pouting into the mirror with her straggly hair and mask of make up. Lucien wants what he can't get, until he gets it. It's just empty.
I kind of like Kerry's dowdy hairband and the way she's just sitting around in her pyjamas. She seems quite unaffected by it all.
Really bad highlights show, and a bad omen if they're going to focus on this sort of shit in the highlights. Please, someone, stop the rot!

Celebrity Big Brother - Lucien, leave it out (!)

We actually went to Lidl today, so who's to say advertising doesn't work? Instead of seeing Jedward going wild in the aisles, there were the dregs of society shuffling around like zombies. And that was just me and my boyfriend (this is the sort of joke Ian Hyland used to get paid for writing). My favourite bit of Lidl is the section where they have what I like to call 'odds and sods'. Who hasn't been tempted by that crap? I nearly came home with a cat activity centre but bought some Prosecco and a giant bag of marshmallows. I haven't tried the Prosecco yet, but the champagne in there has never let me down.
Anyway, enough about Lidl. I like the fact they've got a zillion bananas but no loo roll. Just use Darryn's dressing gown. At least they won't run short of tryptophan.
I can't believe Tara's gone. That house is packed full of cunts.
Darryn is incenced by the Trolli jelly hamburgers. He should be glad they didn't get any meat. They did try and get bread. At least they've got white Magnums.
I approve of Jedward in their pants. I like that pre-pubescent look (over 18s- I'm not a pervert).
Pejazzle?! I've heard it all now. I'm not sure I want to see all the housemates inner thighs. I liked Amy's stupid dog, he was mega cute. I wouldn't tongue a dog, personally, though.
Were Jedward checking Tara out in her bikini? I couldn't tell. Are they going to write a song called 'Vajazzle' to rival Peter Andre's Insania? Shouldn't vajazzle be spelt 'vagazzle'? Not as sexy that way, is it.
I can confirm every man's fantasy is NOT to vajazzle Amy Childs. Although it might be Darryn's by the look on his slobbery old face.
I still don't get how Tara left. It makes no sense.
Paddy going crazy with the champs! I'd be annoyed, I'd want to drink it. I wonder if it is the Lidl one?
Bobby talks so much trash. So annoyed he's still there. are we that gullible?
I wish I could be in Darryn's '4 real crew'. That's gotta be the hottest ticket in town.
I like Amy's dress, it shows off her figure well. Her hair is a bit straggly, though. Have Kerry and Lucien gone for a snog in the loo? I hate the way he's strutting around, flitting from girl to girl, he just gets on my wick.
Lucien: 'bad vibes'. He's the only one putting out bad vibes. Amy telling Darryn not to go to bed was very telling. She doesn't want to be left on her own with him.
Lucien is SUCH a player! Glad Amy called him out. It rather took the shine off when she went and laid in his lap, though. She's not the kind of girl you want as a best friend.
This is sooo childish. I don't think she fancies him at all. I hope they are all really drunk, because that's the only way any of this is forgivable.
WTF is going on? This is either edited badly or just a mess. Kerry is going to find all those pink crystals stuck to Lucien and it's going to be a dead give away. God, this 'showmance' makes Chanel and Ziggy look like love's young dream (I'm showing my age there).
I felt like that whole thing in the bedroom was just a performance put on for Kerry's benefit. I think the thing with Amy is she doesn't fancy Lucien but she wants to prove she's top dog in the house. She's that sort of girl. Lucien is just behaving like a 16-year-old at a school disco. Well, it's time his mummy came and picked him up.
This could win it for Kerry, because the way he's been leading her on is cruel. But really, she should know better.
PS: I wonder if Jedward could feel it if someone put a pea under their mattress?

Celebrity Big Brother - (Don't) get the meat

Whassup? The cats are running up and down the hallway, I've got a can of diet Pepsi on the go, let's get ready to rock and roll.
I voted to save Tara, yes, actually rang up and voted for the first time, because I'd hate to see her go over some of those other arseholes.
If even Amy has twigged Kerry and Lucien fancy each other, it must be true. I think 'they deserve each other' might be about right, but not for the reason she thinks.
Shopping task! They're finally getting them to do a bit of endurance! In BBUSA they make them hang off a hook for 48 hours to see who wants it most. I can't see that happening here. Wimps! Paddy, I thought you were meant to be a hardman?
I think Darryn or Bobby might go tonight. I mean, who would ring to save them? I doubt if their own mothers would bother jotting down the number. If they have writing implements in the house.
LOl to Kerry's screw face when Lucien was checking out Amy. He's what's known as a cunt tease. Oh, no, I forgot, that phrase DOESN'T EXIST because we live in a patriarchy.
Jedward vs Kerry and Bobby, or Kobby, as I like to call them. Jedward: 'you're going down, further down.' I can't see that one catching on.
LOL at Jedward being sent out to do the shopping (except the contact with the outside world, obv). I see it like the Common People vid. But with more crashing. Fuck me, Jedward probably don't even know who Pulp are.
Ha, Jedward can get their revenge for Darryn being the Tell Off Man whilst he was doing the shopping list. Paddy asked for shoe polish?! Is that really his top priority?
LIDL! LOL. Hope they don't want anything in particular, except Polish chocolate.
Get the bread! No, get the MEAT. *vom* Urgh, Lidl's meat is fucking rank. I couldn't eat that. I like the fact one is just issuing orders with a megaphone rather than helping.Lidl bread is horrid. The only thing I ever used to buy from Lidl was their £12.99 champagne. It was ace. But then they put it up to £15 and that was the end of that. Plus they always ID you in there. It's boring. I'm 31, ffs.
LOL to Jedward waking people up at 3am to tell them they didn't get any biscuits. Hilarious. They got some good sweets. They do have excellent sweets in Lidl. I like the giant pack of cola bottles they do.
Darryn is safe! WTF. Why? Lucien! Urgh! Tara better not go. WTF! She did! Why? This vote to save is bullshit. I always thought it would be good. But it ISNT. I'm quite mad now. This is entirely the wrong result. I never thought I'd say this, but if the 'normal' BB goes like this (ie. unfairly) I'm not even going to bother with it. Yes, I did just say that. C5 have driven me to it! Something is rotten. And I don't think this would have happened if we had live feed. I hate being out of touch with the BB audience. It makes me feel out of sorts. Well done, viewers, you just evicted the nicest person in the house.
The truth is, the only good thing about this Big Brother is Jedward. On launch night my phone was buzzing with texts. Launch night I watched it twice, once repeated when my boyfriend got in. Now: there's silence. My boyfriend said he aint going to watch it tonight. No one cares. It's a shame. Didn't we almost have it all.
Tara: 'It can get clicky in the house.' And that's just Kerry Katona's knees. (sorry)
I don't like them setting up Tara as this paranoid/ game player etc. So what? That's the whole point!
LOL to her having a go at Brian, that was pretty funny. Ooh, she looks mad. I don't know why she's so mad. She wasn't stitched up, she did go on like that. She was also pretty cool when she wanted to be. Her being annoyed is entertaining.
Wow, I actually don't like one person in that house, except Jedward, and they're not really a person, more of an invention. Paddy, OK, decent guy, but something bad lurking underneath and boring housemate. Amy: nothing between the ears. Bobby: no heart. Lucien: no spine. Kerry: no integrity. Darryn: just no.
I've got a sinking feeling! This isn't how it should be. My friend said she misses the human decency and boredom. It's true, we're not allowed to breathe for a minute. We have to be 'entertained', told how to feel. Please, C5, have a rethink. If you have the equipment to think it with.
PS: They put Million Pound Plop on at the same time as BB! I'd love to see the viewing figures.

Celebrity Big Brother - We're not taking beep from no one

Am I getting fed up with Big Brother? A bit. I've just got Sky and I feel myself being drawn to crime documentaries instead. And that's a shame. This should be amazing. And it's just mediocre. And that's partly the celebs, but partly the format.
Do I think Darryn really scares Tara? Maybe, but the kettle probably scares Tara. The trees probably scare Tara. It means very little.
Today is Kerry's daughter's birthday. I don't give a fuck.
If Jedward used my eyeliner to tattoo themselves, I wouldn't be happy. What eyeliner is that? It looks good, like marker pen.
Pamela got arrested for drink driving: 'they treated me like a criminal!' No shit. Drink driving is one of the grossest crimes you can commit. You could kill someone, buttercup.
Do you think Big Brother set this 'punk rock' crap up? My boyfriend pointed out the other day that Jedward don't swear. I want to see Jedward gobbing on people, smoking fags and calling Darryn a motherfucker. 'I hate you, chair! I hate you.' Oh, no, I just realised their single is called 'Bad Behaviour'. I feel cheap now. This whole thing is just a stitch up, isn't it? Don't tell me, Amy Childs knows how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism as well (nb. I spelt that right first time, woop) and Paddy is teaching proper enunciation in his spare time.
Jedward are being quite annoying today. Yet, even as punks, they are respecting the carpet.
Kerry's shouting brought back flashbacks of her shit reality show. 'Maaaaaaaarkkkk!' *shiver*
I like a contrite Jedward and Bobby telling them it's OK. Basically whatever the opposite to popular opinion is, that's Bobby's opinion. It's not really a personality, but it works as as housemate.
Amy is crying over an eyeliner right now. But I've cried over worse. She's probably on the rag. SORRY, couldn't resist. Bad buzz!
I don't want Kerry to get her phonecall home. They might as well give them all a fucking phone card and access to Twitter. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE'S FAMILIES.
Fuck the stars and fuck the moon and fuck everything else, it's just a fucking OK DEAL. Stop insulting my intelligence!
Then she comes out going 'I was ONLY allowed to speak to Molly.' ONLY? You're in fucking BIG BROTHER, you arsehole! You should only be allowed to speak to STRANGERS!
I know it might not matter to SOME PEOPLE but I actually care about this programme, and the boundaries that make it GREAT. It is the erosion of those boundaries that are making this show suck. Broken Big Brother!
Paddy showed his real personality a bit then when he couldn't understand how Bobby could hang out with Jedward in the real world. Paddy is so quick to take offence.
Do you think anything's ever come out of Lucien's mouth that's not crass or misogynistic?
Hiccup song. One way to cure hiccups.
Lucien is such a letch! Kerry should stay as far away as possible, because that's got unhappy ending written all over it. Lucien is drunk. Oh, now he says he's got a girlfriend! Oh, he's hedging his bets. Honestly, he behaves more immaturely than Jedward, it's all bluster and bullshit. Oh, Kerry turned away straight away. He looks twitchy now.
I will say one thing for Bobby, I think he would have been good on the live feed. I think he would have stayed up a bit. But we'll never know.
PS. Believe it or not, I cut about ten 'fucks' out if this blog. Just in case Jedward's 'mammy' is reading.

Celebrity Big Brother - Boot me out, buttercup

Eviction night. I'm so glad this is on at 9pm tonight. I am so tired and ill, I just couldn't have waited. I feel like Tara Reid in the middle of her delusions today. Darryn isn't really that scary. He is annoying, though.
Could there be a more loathsome couple than Kerry and Lucien? Honestly, they are gross. Bobby was right, after all.
LOL at Pamela playing the charity card. 'At risk teens'? The only at risk teens I know are Dan Savage's text savvy at risk youth. And I don't think they're that popular. I don't care about at risk teens, you're a boring housemate! I wish Sally was still in there.
They are stitching Tara up quite bad with this nominations crap. Darryn and Bobby have both done worse.
Some of those combined names could have been executed a bit better. Pamela and Bobby, Pobby, not Pambob, surely? These tasks are soooo boring. I'm just not bothered. I don't really care who goes, but in a way I hope it's Darryn, because he's gunning for Tara, big time. And she's one of the only decent people in the house. And even she's a bit ropey. But it's annoying that Tara has to mimic Amy, who's a nobody. At least Tara has actually done something with her life other than had a couple of catchphrases and a spray tan.
Darryn is ALWAYS stirring the pot. I can't stand him. I'd love to see his face if he goes. There's nothing worth listening to coming out of his mouth. 'The boss' is right. Just like 'much loved' Carol and Vinnie Jones before him. Long live Alex Reid.
Lucien and Bobby laughing at Pamela saying she nearly died. Nice. This is edited so badly that you can't really tell what is going on. Pamela DOES talk over people, though.
So, Pamela went. I don't like what that might do to Darryn's ego. In a vote to evict, he would have been Jedward's toast tower. What's the point in booing her? She doesn't know what day of the week it is! I'd definitely sit up and take notice if everyone said I didn't listen, though. I'd be horrified if people thought that about me.
I like Pamela getting to choose the noms. If she can give a straight answer. She chose well, for the most part. That was about the only interesting thing that happened the whole time. She was totally swayed by the baying crowd, though. I wish she'd saved Tara. Still don't get the Kerry thing.
Sorry this blog is so gash. I'm dying. I'm going to eat some crumpets, take a zopyclone and hopefully sleep back my sanity. Normal service will be resumed soon.

Celebrity Big Brother - It's rank, let's do this

I'm ill! Yet still I blog. See what I go through for you? Quality cannot be guaranteed.
No hot water. Surely nothing can beat Victor and his sniffles.
I knew Bobby wouldn't like Tara saying he was scared as he's such a 'red blooded male'. God, I hate the way Bobby talks to Tara, he's a disgrace. What a disgusting human being. I feel sorry for Tara. Why are all the men in that house (except Jedward and Paddy) such arseholes?
I think Danny Dyer mis-sold Paddy to us as one of Britain's deadliest men. He's a pussycat.
I like the way Tara talks, the sound of her voice, the way she phrases things. She shouldn't be sad about losing Lucien's friendship, he's completely useless as a human being. She might be nutty but at least she's got heart.
I think they're playing Digitalism over this task. Very hip. Garlic smoothies! No thanks. OMG I hate seeing people barf on TV.
Bobby taking his shirt off to do the task. Put it away. It's funny how someone so handsome can just become vile because of their personality.
Did Jedward really do that to their T-shirts? It looks good! I wanna do mine.
Paddy didn't like that garlic ice-cream much, did he? He's got some funny one liners in him. Is he crying for his mummy? Not so hard!
Darryn's 'not bothered' about his nominations. Just like Siavash was 'all good' after Noreen fucked him over and her prize knobend of a boyfriend turned up. Yeah. It's all good. Paddy looked genuinely upset, first Sally, now Darryn on the block.
WTF is going on with Kerry and Lucien? They're both odious. I don't want to see them getting it on. He's about her level of intelligence, though.
Kerry to Pamela: 'you've misinterpretated what I've said.' You've misinterpreted how to say misinterpreted. How about kicking someone when they're down?
God, these Fright Night actors must be fucking desperate flogging their wares on BB. They look a bloody fright. This is NOT what Big Brother is about. More outside people.
Sick in the bath! I've been there.
I should have known Darryn and Kerry would be stirring the pot whilst the others were having fun. Amy is being a bit of a dick, too. Amy's not that stupid, though, she's onto Lucien.
Why are they all laughing at Paddy? I don't get it. Aw, he misses his wife. He's not even saying sorry to God for swearing. Is he upset about Darryn being up for nomination? Why is he mad about seeing that film? That's not very good PR. I'm surprised they showed it. In BBUSA they FORCE them to enjoy the film and say nice things about it after.
OMG Lucien is selling Tara up the river! Yeah, you are a fucking sheep. Darryn swaying Lucien by telling him not to be swayed. Hilarious. This is an Oscar winning performance by Darryn here. Oh, Lucien. You've hitched your apple wagon to the wrong star, my dear. Tomorrow; you'll find out.

Celebrity Big Brother - Pull yourself together, you're a grown up

What the fuck would we do if Jedward wasn't in the house? Where would the entertainment be? Darren grumbling, Amy's thousand yard stare, Lucien Laviscount's burgeoning hatred of the fairer sex?
Kerry, if you miss your kids so much why don't you just fuck off? No one would miss you.
I think Darryn is right that the booze affected Tara last night. Kerry is mad because her 'I miss my kids' schtick is being ignored. Because we're sick of hearing about it.
I swear, Jedward could entertain themselves in a prison cell.
Kerry - highly sexed? Please, fucking spare us. Lucien is one sexist SOAB. He's got a lot to learn.
Pamela's name dropping is mental. Charles and Diana are brother and sister? I think the Queen might have something to say about that. Oh, she did mean Earl Spencer. Still not the most famous Charles connected to Diana.
Nominations! At last, This is what we've been waiting for. If you don't want to hear Pamela moaning, stop asking her if she's OK, Amy. I totally agree with Amy's reason for nominating of Bobby.
Bobby nominated Pamela for sleep walking! A bit harsh. And I don't believe he's nominating Darryn because of the cooking, do you?
Darryn, Bobby made you drink his own sweat and you're nominating Tara? You cock. I'm surprised he didn't nominate Jedward, either. I think he knows it would be a wasted vote.
Yay, Jedward nominated Lucien! Yes! And Darryn. Their nominations were ace.
Fuck Kerry Katona nominating Tara for 'mood swings'. She can talk!
Jedward don't seem to have much understanding of personal space, do they?
I liked Paddy's nomination of Bobby for toast bribery.
I'm glad Bobby's getting a few noms. I think Pamela needs to take heeds of these nominations. I'd hate to find out I just don't listen.
Jedward as babies was amazing. I was crying with laughter. They have no shame! They are so naive and strange and alien.
All this focus on Pamela/Kerry is sooooo boring. I hope she goes so we can see more Jedward baby action instead.
My boyfriend told me they WERE allowed to talk about nominations! I've heard them talk about nominations at least ten times so far. Tara was telling everyone who to nominate last week. Why are they cracking down today?
And why is Bobby having a go at Tara because HE GOT CAUGHT OUT. That man is such prize-winning cunt. He's a self-obsessed, stuck up prick of the highest order who can't even keep a consistent personality going on for half a day.
Jedward: 'If we want to use big words in conversation we will, but we don't want to waste out time.' Genius.
I wish Lucien Laviscount would drop dead sometime soon as well. I don't care about his feelings or his fauxmance with Kerry.
Yes, I am a bit angry today. I need a lie down.

Celebrity Big Brother - A thank you wagon area

Who the fuck is Bobby to tell Amy how much make-up to wear? I hate that guy so much, it's like some passive aggressive misogynistic I-fancy-you-yet-don't-fancy-you bullshit. Just l
Darryn on his parrot's TV habits: 'He loves anything on the Amazon.'
Kerry's tabloid tales: zzz. Go and get a fucking therapist, for fuck's sake, I'm sick of hearing about it.
I like Jedward's goth look today. Their role plays were the lols. Honestly, the lot of them carry on like 12-year-olds.
I'm annoyed that Marco Pierre White is on this show. More outside world, more flim flam. I just want to see the housemates sitting around and bickering, I don't want all this extraneous taskery. I don't want a fucking cookery lesson. There's enough cookery on TV! How much are they paying this cunt? They should have spent that money on some decent celebs. Marco Pollo indeed! Watching Marco try all these foods. What riveting TV.
Jedward are like naughty little elves mucking up the kitchen. The water going all over the floor was mega. I wonder if they're going to get punished?
Jedward's toast sculpture: 'it's not waste, it's like modern art.'
Lucient Laviscount handily reminding us what a mini-misogynist cunt he is in the making. 'Born that short just to give head'? Gross.
Tara is having some ex-meth head paranoia. She's talking complete mentalist talk right now. Is she drunk? She's gone loco.
Pamela's sleep talk was classic. I love sleep talk. My friends (and Darryn) think she was faking it, but a 'thank you wagon area'. Fuck me.
Tara and Pamela together are a box of bonkers. Does Tara really think Darryn can ruin her career? What career? I still like her, though, she's a good character.

Celebrity Big Brother - I'm not a big fan of William Shakespeare

'What's a flannel?' Bobby is teaching Jedward to shave. Tomorrow, Amy will be teaching them to french kiss.
Amy: 'I get so much make-up sent to me.' Well, still no need to wear it all at once.
Shopping list times! Darryn getting mad at Jedward is just too easy. What are Jedward ordering, Starmix and Transform-a-snacks?
Pamela is sucking all the oxygen out of the room. When will they do the first round of proper nominations? I want to see who Jedward are gunning for.
Jedward prank times! Imagine if Vinnie Jones was in that house, I think he'd have actually stabbed them both to death by now. Loved them torturing Darryn! They've got balls. Poor Darryn, house victim. He has no sense of humour either, he's such a curmudgeon. I really want to show him the door sooner rather than later.
I read in a magazine that Tara, met, got engaged and married her boyfriend all on the same day! That's pretty cool. But it doesn't excuse all her endless psychobabble.
Jedward's bathtime was hilarious, especially one mopping up using his brother. They are so peculiar, I love it.
I thought the secret task was quite funny. Amy looked like she was struggling to read, let alone speak. Amy always has a glazed look on her face like birds are tweeting around her head. But Bobby patronising her was just pathetic, it really is too easy. I feel sorry for her being so thick, it must be rubbish not to be able to understand any fucking thing.
Pamela is getting way too much airtime tonight. Why is she getting a phone call from home? What has she done to deserve it? Wow, that was the most tuneless rendition of happy birthday I've ever heard. That conversation with her daughter was mental, she barely let them speak.
It's quite cute how Paddy liked Sally. It is a shame Sally went.
Tuna and ketchup straight from the can! I swear, Jedward make my eating habits look normal.
Pamela vs Lucien. Like who could we give a shit about less. Pamela would really get in my wick in there. But Darryn is an utter cunt. Honestly, the level of sexism in this house is unutterable. I'm so sick of hearing about 'I'm a man, I'm a real man' and all this fucking bullshit that I've never heard anyone in real life say.
More therapy speak from Pamela! Darryn's got daddy issues? Oh just go home, Pamela. You're not crab eyes. No one will be bothered.
Big Brother still not trending on Twitter, despite the fact Patrick Wolf was trending yesterday! I love Patrick, but his appeal if fairly niche. Must try harder. Live feed, please.

Celebrity Big Brother - This is Big Brother, please swear

We're watching this in HD! Got Sky today. Drinking cheapo champagne too! HIGH LIFE.It actually looks quite good in HD. Crisp!
Intro woman: 'Who goes? let's find out shall we.' That's not the well known catchphrase is it?
Another tedious catch up for the 'casual viewer' who Five cares more about than actual fans. What fucked up logic is that, we want the show to appeal to the casual viewer. So you want the show to appeal to people who don't give a shit about it, whilst alienating people who love it? Er, are you stupid? As Bobby would say, 'fucking boneheads'.
Fuck me, is this show only an hour, and about ten minutes so far have been a catch up. I feel like I'm being slowly lobotomised by C5. At least the eviction interview will be mercilessly brief.
Kerry to the Tin Man: 'Lightening, you'd better be careful.' Actual wit!
Diana tales! Wow I forgot to care in 1996. Darryn jerking off over Diana, nice. This is cutting edge TV! PINKY AND PERKY not Pinky and Percy, you knob end. Stop saying it.
Kerry shut up about your fucking kids, don't use that as currency to get us to keep you. People keep saying she's popular, well, so's chlamydia. Speaking AS A MOTHER. well I'm not a mother. I'm speaking as a SENTIENT HUMAN.
My boyfriend is saying 'Brian knows how to sell a phone number after all those years on the Mint.'
What is this magic trick shit about? More contact with the outside world! I don't know why they don't just give them mobile phones and a hotline to the 3am girls (are they still going?)
I liked Jedward annoying Amy by chopping carrots in a noisy fashion. Hey, at least they're cooking, right?
That task was so badly explained- we didn't have any clue what the rules were so couldn't really get involved. I didn't know it was a shopping task. I didn't know anything. Because I was too busy being told what happened yesterday.
Amy's dancing was a bit like a sexual assault. Is that how people dance? I thought you have to pay for that sort of dancing *sexist*.
I hate Kerry talking about the 'British public' like she's a cut above it.
Why has Brian got trousers six inches too long on?
LOVED the booing for Bobby! What is Kerry wearing, she looks like a fairy on top of the Christmas tree. Interesting Brian told them it was a vote to save. I liked Jedward smirking at Sally going. Wow, they're evicting her quick! They're not fucking about.
That eye at the top of the stage looks good. Shame Sally is going as she's a good character even though she's a cunt.
Indoor interview. Looks like they're in a cockpit. First one out is not that embarrassing, as it wasn't a house vote, but a Kerry vote. Only 1% in it.
I prefer Brian's interview style to Davina's. He's asking quickfire questions but they are quite good questions.
Why isn't Brian telling her Kerry did that tantrum as part of a task! Not sure about that edit at the end, especially showing her picking her nose. Where's John Bercow! He should be there supporting his woman.
Marco Pierre White. Hopefully he's rustle up Jedward some snap, crackle and council pop and fuck off again.
Live feed!

Celebrity Big Brother - It would be lovely to have Paddy behind us, yapping away

My boyfriend is eating something that if you ate it in the Big Brother house you'd rightly be called an animal. Micro chips, hotdog sausages and cheese. I've heard it's Jedward's favourite dins.
Wizzzzzard of Oz task. As all the tasks have been framed around the different personalities, is this task based on Kerry's love of whizz?
I'm surprised Bobby agreed to wear the dress as he's such a poser.
Darryn's mad because they said he hasn't got a heart. Your card is marked, Sally. He's gonna pap you to death. See her check herself out in the mirror in her Dorothy garb. Yes like Dorothy if she's had a chin like a a builder.
Bobby calling Amy thick. Nice. And the boobs comment, too. He's all class, that one.
Darryn is livid! Darryn can't get into his trousers. Should have got lipo instead. He's the main source of bitterness in that house.
Why does Amy look so far away in the DR chair? She looks smaller than Yoda.
Tara: 'it smells like throw up' about some unidentified liquid.
Amy and Darryn are right about Bobby; he does have balls in the DR but not out of it.
Loved Paddy in his dog basket going 'for fuck's sake.'
Oh Darryn, get over it, you idiot. People think you're heartless because you're a superficial prick. Also, Abs from Five called. He wants his six pack back.
I think Bobby has got something with him. What's sweat-gate all about? What's going on in his head? He's mildly psychopathic, I think.
Amy getting tortured was quite amusing. She got the maths question right! Impressive. Amy is like Jesus up on that cross. She is the resurrection of thickery. That section of the show went on for about five minutes too long.
My boyfriend is now getting mad because it's not clear what the task is to win. He wants clear outcomes before he becomes invested in this task! I don't think we every found out.
Sally sounded like Vicky Pollard when she was arguing with Darryn. 'No no no no no no no.' 'All she had to go through to get here...' Yeah, she wore that sheet made of barbed wire. Tirelessly tweeted. Slept with that gross politician so we have heard of her in the first place (now there's feminism in action).
Klosh times! Bankroll times, more like. Darryn is sinking into martyrdom right now.
He should have gone to see the parrot! Isn't it stressful to cart animals around for TV shows? Call Peta. I love Darryn crying in his Tin Man outfit. He's only crying because he didn't get his dins. 'Just enjoy the food!' Yes we'll enjoy it in the face of your emotional blackmail. We'll eat it all up.
Is that parrot still sitting there? For fuck's sake, get him a taxi.
DID Bobby put that in his MOUTH? OMG! He should be thrown out for that. Why is Darryn being so cool about it. He's going to blow. This is the weirdest thing ever. And why did Darryn say 'you pissed in it' as if that was normal? My head is bent right now.
Tara's husband sounded about as mentally stable as she is. Look at Darryn lording it. Oh god, I can see right through him. Except about sweat gate. I'll never understand that as long as I live. Unless he's planning some spectacular revenge.
Sally has had a 'gruelling' day. It's not exactly a trip down the mines, is it?
Oh now Bobby is sorry for what he said about Kerry. His flip flopping is annoying, just pick a fucking personality and stick to it. 'I don't agree with some of the choices you've made.' What fucking business is it of his?
Advert: Kerry Katona is speaking to OK about her meltdown??! Where's she doing that interview, in the diary room? Just about sums it up, doesn't it.

Celebrity Big Brother - Jedward are meditating in a fort they built earlier

Oh fucking hell, they're not regurgitating that electric shock task again, are they? Are we that fresh out of ideas? Every thought of going into a room with a flipchart and someone who cares about the show and thinking of a new one?
Oh it's the waking up montage! Riveting. And who's this person on my screen? Handily they've scrawled it on there for me. 'Kerry'. No, never heard of her.
Flashback! Oh yes, I remember this from yesterday. I'm not braindead. I am being treated like it, though and it's getting boring.
Bobby is so playing up to the cameras, now. I think I preferred him mute. Darryn's a product? That's rich coming from a professional coat hanger.
Have you noticed how close Tara Reid's eyebrows are to her eyes? There's virtually no room for eyeshadow. She's on a name-dropping tip.
I want to go under that blanket Kerry's under. It looks cosy.
Oh God, the 'do you want kids' chat. Oh, it quickly turned to animal talk. That's better. I personally don't think you should have a dog when you're a celebrity and travel all over. It's not fair on them. But I liked Tara crying over her dog, it seemed real.
Jedward's fort was reminiscent of Chicken Stu and Michelle's under the table activities.
I hate people like Amy who just repeat the same illiterate thing over and over again. Darryn is very happy to stoke that fire. He's a curmudgeonly old thing.
Sally 'that looks disgusting if you don't mind me saying so.' Well, I do actually, you rude cunt. Why does everyone hate Pamela so much? She's a bit in her own world, but so what. She's nothing on Jedward. I bet Jedward will like that meal! They like weird food.
God, Sally is so fucking rude. You'd be better off just saying 'you're an idiot' than digging away at her. You can be polite without 'bullshitting'.
How come these celebs don't have to sit in an ashtray to smoke? WTF is up with Tara? She's a wreck! What's she scared of? Pamela's cooking? Darryn's abs?
Jedward's counselling services are probably not going to be in great demand when they leave the house, let's put it that way. But they do have glittery hoodies. If Jedward just sit and go 'you're OK' at you, does that make things OK? I think it might freak me out. Tara you won't work again because you're a dried up old druggie, not cos of BB, you drama queen.
Big Brother has no interest in John and Edward as individuals. It just wants to take the mickey. They look cute in their little outfits. The pink one in particular! That is quite funny, though. I suspect they're not going to do very well.
Ok, I take back what I said about the task, that was funny. That was so sweet when they cuddled at the end. They are such strange little people. I want to pet them.
Bobby and Lucien; what chemistry! What a genuine lifelong friendship.
Kerry wants to eat her children. Is that advised?
Jedward with a billion dollars in their back pocket. What would they spend it on? This conversation reminds me of when Stephen Baldwin was trying to turn Alex Reid into the new James Bond. American optimism.
I like Jedward with their curly quiffs. They are Morrisseyeque. I want to be able to tell Jedward apart. But I can't!
Amy: 'I'm from Essex... it's very orange.' Lucien's never had a girlfriend. You do surprise me, he's such a well-rounded and mature young man. This boy talk is depressing.
I liked watching them get all dressed up for the wedding. Amy's dress was nice! The on the shelf Jedward will probably cry. Amy looks so much like Jordan, it's weird. I want to see her with the make up off. That kiss was hilarious! I imagine it will be much like that on John's real wedding night. With Edward hidden in a suitcase. Why would you need a partner if you get all your emotional needs met from your twin? For sex? I don't think they're that bothered. That girlfriend or girlfriends will only come between them.
This party is the lols. Bobby cornered by a drunk, loud Kerry going on about herself. He can't even be bothered to be polite anymore.
Bobby doing the whole Alex Sibley talking to the mirror thing. Looking down on Kerry because she's common. I can't stand him and his good-looking privilege. OMG him calling her gross! Who does he think he is? She is a fucking mess, but she doesn't need him pointing it out like a dick in the corridor. If he feels that strongly why doesn't he tell her what's what. Because he prefers to do it behind backs like a whiny little baby.
Why did he go in and think he'd fancy Amy? She's obviously beneath him. The lamest thing ever is when the contestants talk to the cameras. In my opinion, they shouldn't even show it.
I really wish Channel 4 still had this show. Getting fed up with Five's antics now. Plus the celebs are useless. Still love it though, ha.

Celebrity Big Brother - I am not a sausage, OK?

Listen, Mr Paparazzi, Jedward don't do dishes, they just get plebs like you to do it for them.
OK the musical interludes are getting on my wick a little now. I didn't mind them at first. It just feels like more flim flam and padding which we can ill afford.
At least Lucien idiotface is admitting he fancies Amy now. More bullying of her to come later, then.
Darryn is like a grumpy old git. I love the fact he's getting so wound up by Jedward as they just swan round looking glamorous.
Gang member cleaning rota time! Yeah Pamela can whip those gang members into shape, but she'll never tame Jedward. Hold on, Jedward were cleaning the windows the other day, after they moved in! They've done their bit.
Sally is 'FINE!' Is it all good? Yes, she's super. I liked her showing her teeth a bit anyway.
How do Jedward get their hair to stay up like that! I like them going to eat their food 'in private in the bedroom' and then tipping it down the loo. Been there, done that like a gazillion times. Should have just left it for the others! Their freaky eating makes me appreciate them even more! I like their little red housecoats. The are completely mental, aren't they?
Darryn. Please. Put. It. Away.
Aw, no one wants to watch Jedward's TV show. It wasn't Jedward's fault the coleslaw fell out of the fridge. Sad face.
Uh oh, Jedward tried to pull Amy's knick knocks off. NOW there's going to be trouble. Darryn and Paddy are way too aggressive. Jedward have got a screw loose, so I don't know if they can even be held responsible for sexual assault. Just like Michael Jackson, hahaha.
Oh well, their TV show must go on. I like the fact they're all like 'they need to learn'. Only ONE of them did it. If one of them does a rape, the other one doesn't get a visit from the Tell Off Man. They are seperate entities (sort of).
Sally is speaking sense about Jedward. Darryn is just looking for an excuse to get rid of them.
Big Brother aren't even telling us which one did it! Oh, it was John. Amy's not worried about the sexual assault, she's worried about her arse looking flabby. This is feminism in action.
Sally, it's not the done thing to say you're looking forward to nominating. Also your juvenile baiting of 'authority' ie. the Daily Mail is absolutely ridiculous. It is so petty and insecure, she's like a teenager refusing to tidy her room. I'm half expecting her to get her nose pierced next.
The pap task was actually quite funny, especially as his photos are so shite. Just goes to show how unobservant people are.
How do you become as thick as Amy Childs? I mean, I know tons of people who were dragged up that have brains, sharp wit and a will to learn. It's child abuse to produce humans that dense.
Tara and Kerry taking the piss out of Pamela was cruel. I don't like that sort of thing- Pamela hasn't even done anything as far as I can see, she's just in la la land a bit, but so is half the house!
I wonder what IS on Jedward's rider? I read Eminem's rider today and it was pretty tame. I bet Jedward have got a block of cocaine and a phone book full of prostitutes on theirs.
LOL to Paddy apologising for calling Jedward a sausage. Class.
Bobby starting on Amy. It's too easy, isn't it? Oh he was mad about them laughing at Pamela, was he? No, it's just an excuse to kick a puppy, methinks. It's true, though, they were being nasty. But he more than made up for it.
Lucien Laviscount giggling as Bobby called Amy an 'it' was the most toadying piece of TV I've seen since Danielle Lloyd and Jo O'Meara hung off Jade's (RIP) racist coattails like she was some high priestess of truth. Witness the look of glee on Lucien's face as Bobby calls a woman 'it'. Bobby is loathsome. But Lucien is a bootlicker. And that's worse.
LOL to Sally encouraging Bobby to be an absolute cunt! What COULD her motive be?! Surely she's not trying to get him slyly evicted before her?
Bobby doesn't like people disrespecting each other? Well calling a woman 'it' is a lot worse than Paddy calling Jedward a sausage.
At least the house is split down the middle now. But who's side am I on? No one's! Why DIDN'T Bobby speak up at the time if it was pissing him off that Pamela was getting bullied? He's just made himself look like a little snivelling prick saying it behind people's backs. Plus the only person he attacked was Amy, the woman, not Paddy, not Darryn. Hmm, I wonder why (not for very long, though).
I like Bobby's peach shirt. Shame he's either proper dull or a proper nasty. Reminds me of when Jack Tweed was in there, and the only words that came out of his mouth in those whole two weeks were 'She's a cunt' (about Shilpa).
It must hurt fat, pug-faced Darryn's heard to see the gorgeous (if horrid) Bobby standing there looking so thin and handsome. 'What you see is what you get'? Is that apart from the plastic pecs?
It's so tragic that Big Brother isn't even trending on Twitter when it's on these days. Twitter was made for shows like this. And you know why no one is interested? No live feed! I want to see Darryn getting more red in the face about Jedward's antics for hours on end. I want to see who goes to bed early. Who stays up bitching all night. I want to see it all!

Celebrity Big Brother - Camel towie

LOL to Jedward smacking everyone in the face first thing in the morning. Rise and shine! They are so going to get the blame for these other 'pranks'.
Jedward washing each other's hair is cute. Do they ALWAYS wear the same thing and have their hair the same? If Jedward used all my shampoo they'd be in trubs. But my shampoo is purple.
Kerry you didn't get fired from Iceland ads because of the News of the World, you got fired for snorting a bucketful of cocaine.
Kerry is invoking Zopyclone! 7mgs. I took that shit every night for a week once (I was ill) and it didn't make me go on This Morning slurring like Phil Mitchell on a bender. It did give me insomnia for three months afterwards though.
I like Jedward's flat hair. They look a bit Patrick Wolf.
Darryn is like a bear with a sore head. I think he's going a bit 'Vinnie Jones'. Redeeming features? None spotted so far. Isn't be a little old for a mohawk and pink hair?
The bedsheet task is apt as it's making me zzz.
Paddy 'a woman should never talk like that' after Amy explained what camel toe was. Well you asked, you fucking sexist pig!
Kerry's tabloid tales are getting a bit old, too, I've already heard them all once!
Your cracks are showing, Lucien, you insecure bag of slop. Stop projecting your mountain of baggage onto others. He's over his emotional baggage allowance, big time. And he's only 19. Imagine when he's 40 and divorced with three kids!
Lucien: 'I don't fancy Amy. I don't fancy Amy. I don't fancy Amy.' Keep telling yourself that. Ah, now he fancies Tara. Yesterday it was Pamela. Tomorrow, probably Kerry.
Look at unknown Jedward's little legs. He looks like a 12 year old. I kind of like that twink look, though. Legal twinks, obviously. Amy's got a soft spot for the Jeds.
These jokes are dreadful! My worst fear ever in a social situation is people start telling jokes because you can't stop them, it just goes on for eternity.
Big Brother memories: remember when they locked Basshunter and Lady Sovereign in a room and made them listen to his shitty tune on a loop and she hid inside a drawer? Good times.
Big Brother's Bit on the Side: Pete Burns. Enough said.

Celebrity Big Brother - Birds and bikinis

Darryn, please keep your six-pack/beer belly under wraps, it's giving me nightmares.
I looked up a photo of Sally Bercow's husband today. He's a funny looking little thing.
I think Darryn is cracking onto Lucien Laviscount. I don't like LL much. He seems to have a strange immature thing going on. I couldn't be less interested in this fauxmance with Pamela/ Amy/ himself.
Tara telling dirty jokes to Jedward! That's like mooning at a kitten.
My boyfriend just said 'not a bad song' about that Will Young track in the adverts.
Lucien is such a boring character. I'm tired of people telling him he's good looking. He's average looking. He's got no personality. He's not even a good actor. I remember him trying to suck up to Kevin Webster, and Kevin had no truck with it. Oh, no.
This has been a really dull highlights show so far. Where's the tree of temptation? Oh it's Mohammed Al Fayed. I object to this contact with the outside world. What, there's loads of people in the garden now! This is bullshit. Stop diluting the brand.
'One Jedward is struggling but the other one's made it!' I wonder if I'll ever be able to tell them apart. I used to be able to tell Samanda apart easily.
My boyfriend is moaning that they're paying Al Fayed money they could be spending on better tasks. What is even at stake in this task anyway? Who wins what? Julie Chen (BBUSA host) would shit all over this. In BBUSA the tasks are more tense than a penalty shootout. Everything matters and their time in the house depends on how they do.
Al Fayed cracking onto Pamela. I kind of like Tara Reid a bit, you know. She's kind of on her own planet and I respect that. She has a gentle sort of way about her.
LOL Darryn's abs are plastic surgery! How embarrassing.
LOL the celebs are going to watch a film in the house! They do that in BBUSA as well and they force them all to say how much they love the film and it's so cheesy. I can't really see it working so well over here.
These advert breaks seem long! Can't believe they're giving Paddy a phonecall from home already! They should have to earn those sort of rights. Can't they give him subtitles? I like the fact he cut his wife off on the phone and got all embarrassed crying on TV. What a freak.
I don't mind these stupid montages they keep doing, I think it's in keeping with with the shiny kind of feel of things.
It's Pinky and Perky, not Pinky and Percy, for fuck's sake, Darryn. Why has Lucien got that hat on?
The way Darryn and Paddy talk about women is disgusting. They are all about show and front and pomp, and nothing is real (not the teeth, nor the six packs).
This Lucien/ Amy thing makes Ziggy and Chanel's relationship look mature. I hate Lucien Laviscount now. He's the type who doesn't go down on girls because it's unhygienic (ie. he's queer).
I can't work out what is going on, and I can't tell if it's bad editing or what. LL is acting like a fucking 12 year old. He's pathetic. He's a little shit-stirring prick. Here's the deal, he fancies Towie, and he thinks she's way out of his league so he's picking on her. It comes to something when Jedward are the most straightforward men in the house.
I think Lucien might have a touch of the 'John James'.
I liked the way John/Edward defended the other one when Paddy pulled his bedsheets on, it was chivalrous. They are like one entity. You can't buy love like that, you have to share a womb for that sort of bond.
Sally got on my nerves going 'please don't slag off Paddy' to Tara when she wasn't. Sally is so far up Paddy's arse it's tragic.
STOP DISCUSSING NOMINATIONS! Where's the rule book? Tara is talking strategy, alliances, the whole hog! OK, maybe not so gentle after all, but interesting.
I'm going to give Lucien Laviscount one more bit of leeway as he's only 19. But is he plays up tomorrow I'm renaming him Lucien Laviscunt. Fair's fair.

Celebrity Big Brother - Lairy liquid

Big Brother is, of course, the doyenne of reality shows. It makes X Factor look like Ooglies. No, not Ooglies, Ooglies is good. Milkshake!
Look at all the mod cons in that house! Giant gym! The living room looks a bit small though, or it's a bad camera angle, I'm not sure.
Jedward using washing up liquid as bubble bath... that would NOT be good for my nether regions. I'd need a bath in Canesten after that.
Five are going a bit heavy on the flashbacks. If people missed it, I say fuck 'em.
Jedward in the bath shouldn't be show either pre or post watershed. It's like some art project.
Amy is going to take Jedward to Sugar Hut! Jodie Marsh will be thrilled. I don't want her to make them into Essex boys. They are fine as they are.
Why are Jedward so dressed up around the house? Don't they just slob around in tracksuit bottoms ever? My boyfriend just said 'aren't they over the luggage allowance?' like they're at Heathrow. I think Jedward have got OCD. Amongst other things.
Paddy doesn't believe in housework! Him and Sally should have their own sitcom. She's so easy to wind up it's unreal. Check out the gnashers on Paddy. He makes Brandon Flower's dentistry look restrained. I like his sunglasses, too.
Lucien Laviscount fancies Amy which is why he's being a little dickhead to her. Mr Paparazzi looks like a fat person with a six pack. That's weird. The word 'banter' really does my fucking nut in. And it makes me think of that horrible Kris thing from Big Brother's past (aka the mightly douche).
Being in a boyband is a good excuse for not having a girlfriend, isn't it? I think they're citing the Cliff Richard defence. Jedward look like they should live in Whoville. They don't need sex. They are above all that shit.
Pamela Hasslehoff looks like Michelle Collins gone wrong, doesn't she? But she can probably do a better Northern accent.
I hope Bobby goes. Sally is a good character. My boyfriend is obsessed with the DR chair looking like the Tennants logo.
Weirdest birthday ever. Did you order Jedward on helium? I feel like I'm on drugs watching this bit. If I actually was on drugs watching it, I think I'd be halfway down the rabbit hole by now.
Jedward; 'we're all breathing the exact same air.' Deep.
Darryn and Paddy are DISCUSSING NOMINATIONS. That Darryn is drunk. Mind you, it is his birthday.
Tara Reid is like some shrivelled up old husk stroking her own nipples. She should be on Celebrity rehab, not this show. She looks like she needs a nice tall glass or water and a big tub of moisturiser.
Get Bobby out. Floaters must die!