Big Brother 2011 - No, you have the Bounty

Can't believe I missed the reptile tongue kissing in my blog yesterday. That was unreal. Do people really kiss like that? Why? Sometimes I miss crucial things cos I'm too busy tip-tapping at my keys!

Aaron is really good at giving people the cold shoulder for ages. I'm rubbish at that! I forgive people quite easily. It's too much of an effort to blank someone.

Louise is not happy with the 'love nest' which might as well be called 'the fuck shack'. Jay has come on too strong and it might be his undoing. Farting in bed is not exactly a winner; I try to hold it in at least until the first 'I love you' has been said.

Anton 'can the public not see he's not liked in the house?' We don't really give a fuck about what you like or don't like. It's who WE LIKE, we decide.

Liked Tom and Alex's Christmas/ Celebrations chat: 'you have the Bounty.' Quite! Alex is coming off very well in this episode.

Well done to Louise for sticking up for Aaron. Anton and Jay pouring poison in her ear!

LOL to Louise not really fancying Jay! Hilarious. Serves him right. Maybe she's onto him a bit. She definitely seems to be distancing herself from the wolfpack.

Jay actually came off better in that garden discussion. Aaron is behaving like a petulant child. Jay was being quite reasonable with him, I thought.

This sister twist can only go one of two ways: either Faye and her sister will team up and busy some balls together, or Jem will drive Faye mad and send her running into the arms of Aaron. They will never be a threesome i.e. working together, I just don't see it.

I could enjoy this sister task! I think they do actually hate each other - lol. I don't want to end up feeling sorry for Faye, though.

Faye's sister has all the charm of Katie Price. I love her coming in and telling Faye off for smoking. Faye should just go 'fuck off'. She's a grown woman, she can do whatever she likes.

Love Alex and Tom trying to guess Jem's age! They were quite generous.

Aaron and Faye hiding from her sister was funny. That sister is a NIGHTMARE!

Aaron is pushing Aden hard here. That situation could go either way, too.

Look at the way Jem is sitting in the DR chair! I've never seen anyone sit in the chair quite like that - completely dominant. She gonna stir some shit up good - now we just have to see which way the wind blows.

Big Brother 2011 - You're his little bitch

One new housemate? Well excuse me if I don't die of excitement. I think we could do with another three, tbh. Anton is sitting round in his dressing gown! Wish they'd evict him like that.

Can't believe Louise and Jay are snogging first thing in the morning. Why are they always so touchy about having sex in the house? I want people who WILL have sex! They're at it like rabbits on the European versions. it's much more cosmopolitan.

Why is Louise announcing that she's snogged Jay and 'she doesn't feel bad'? Why should she feel bad! Honestly, what sort of uptight judge-others society do we live in? OMG that was HILARIOUS that they cut her soppy talk with him SHAVING HIS BUTTHOLE in the Big Brother house. Not in the toilet, but in full public view. Talk about an exhibitionist. I mean, is he likely to get rimmed in the house (not with Louise's prudish attitude towards snogging!)? And why has he got a sock on his knob, is it so his mum and dad can enjoy watching this? Honestly, it's at times like this I have to seriously consider what I'm doing with my life. Jay smells like a real man. Is that of football and beer? OMG I pity the poor camera man in that run. And then he has the audacity to say GO AWAY! He is only DOING it for the attention! Doesn't it HURT to shave your bumhole? If i get Nair in the wrong area, it hurts like fuckery. Surely a razor where the sun don't shine must be painful? I swear, it's a health and safety issue. Mario would be going garrity if he was in that house.

Faye: 'I want you to see the fun side of Faye'. Bit late, now, you dreary div.

Maisy must have been gutted about Faye doing a pre-eviction night snog in a desperate bid to stay in. Let's not forget she nominated Aaron AND didn't speak to him for a whole day.

OMG is Jay seriously clippering Aaron's hair with his ARSE RAZOR? I need a bag to be sick in. The haircut actually looked quite good, amazingly. I guess that's Jay's 'precision' practice for you.

Looks like Harry is going to regret ordering that food colouring. Jay, Aden and Anton are like an inner circle (more butt talk) of twattery. Somehow their prank seems a lot more mean-spirited than Harry's which was just a schoolboy jape.

Did Anton just swear on his mother's life it wasn't him, because it partly was. Aaron is taking it well, as usual, he looks like someone's died. LOL, Anton is stitching Jay up. Anton is a snake! Rebecca was right.

This might have saved Harry from getting put up next week. Aden is seething! He did come off a bit badly there, but it WAS his idea in the first place. Harry has got his just desserts (in a way). But it still seems meaner.

Jay, you lying knob. Banana revenge! LOL to Harry 'you're a liar, you're a fucking dickhead': he's quite bold saying that to Jay. I kind of like Harry when he's angry. It's a bit sexy when a posh person says 'fuck off' for some reason.

Why is Maisy getting booed? What has she done wrong exactly, except be nothingy and well turned out?

Jay fingering Anton! Good. Anton is wrong to swear on his mums life. I like the way Harry shouts and is then a bit sorry afterwards. It wasn't actually Anton's idea, it was Aden's idea.

Harry is disappointed with Anton! Boarding school buddies. Louise 'let's just stay out of it' - yeah, let's not have an opinion, let's just sit here and look pretty. Harry is taking down the supposed 'kids from the street'. Aden was OWNED. He went from Rebecca's little bitch to Jay's little bitch.

LOL to 'if he doesn't like ketchup why did he order 20 bottles?'

Oh God, Aaron's latest DR martyrdom sesh. What's that jumper Aaron has on? He looks like a admittedly handsome geography teacher.

Aden: 'I don't want to come across as slimy.' Harry: 'Just don't come across as a numpty.'

Jay making a little sex palace for Louise is gross. No one wants to emulate Michelle Bass. Not even Michelle Bass.

Jay's passion pit! LOL. I saw them play the Wireless Festival a while back.

Yuck, I like it better when people snog in the dark. Anton: '5 million people are watching'. Yeah, in 2005. It's barely breaking the million mark this series without the live feed.

LOL to Maisy's face when she got booed. Shocker! So Maisy got evicted. That's interesting when Faye has NO redeeming features. Plus I voted to save Maisy 6 times on FB. Louise has got that stupid fucking hat on again.

Hmm, and they're putting someone in who knows Faye? FIIIIIIIIIIX!

I'm pissed off they're putting her sister in. Actually, it would have been better if she'd left and they'd put her sister in.

Louise must be pleased Maisy's going. No more looking at her. I don't like Maisy's outfit tonight. her hair and make up look good, though.

That breakfast biscuit in the ad break is PURE EVIL. EVIL.

Maisy looked genuinely shocked at some of the nominations. Maisy you weren't a 'nice friend' to Faye, you were always rubbing it in her face that you tongued Aaron first. I'm glad Brian had a dig about that, too. I think Brian is wrong, though, Maisy made the first move on Aaron.

Anton is so 'ungenuine'. Yes, he's disingenuous.

I'm glad that Maisy is comfortable in her own skin. That should be applauded. Her voice is super bugging, though.

So for the twist. Replacement housemate roulette! I can tell this is Faye's sister because she has the same Gary Barlow's Dignitas advert accent. Oh, well, if she's going to have a go at Jay I'm all for it.

Faye's sister is 25? She looks about 40. Good camera angle at the top of the stairs there. I don't want Faye to have back up, really. Plus she's got info. Plus I don't believe her when she says she's going to shake things up, Faye's shaken nothing up, and she promised big.

Jen: 'are you angry?' Faye: 'why would I be angry?' Is it because she's stealing your thunder? I don't like Jen already! Hard faced. Booo! Put Rebeckah back in! I miss struggling to spell her name.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm going to kick the life out of every fucking banana

Bothered about Mark! He's done. Next. I seen him on BOTS and OKTV and he was acting like the imbecile he is. Fake, fake, fake. Fuck off. They should play 'I Know It's Over' over all this crying, it's jokes! His parting speech was bullshit, also.

WTF he didn't even pack his own bag? Who does he think he is, Jackie Stallone? He was there all yesterday evening.

Oh Maisy, like hell you don't think it matters about you now. The only thing you care about is you. Harry: voice of reason. COULD Harry win this? Even with the fox hunting under his belt?

Jay: a dream hero/ thug. How romantic.

Faye: 'I'm this sort of person/ I'm that sort of person.' No, you're NOT that sort of person. You'll find out what sort of person you are tomorrow... booooooo!

Why are the men always doing the shopping list (sexist)? 'You'll get what you're given': that's probably what Jay says just before you have sex with him.

Jay: 'I like a good roll about.' No kidding. Louise: 'If you're with someone you'll do anything'. Like what? What is she referring to? I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Ugh, Aden and Anton simultaneously glugging juice from the carton. Anton: 'I'm here to be the cleverest person who's ever played the game.' You're less clever than fucking Dale, who was a shaved chimp, or Bonnie, who couldn't even pronounce her own name.

What's with Harry and the bananas? Is he trying to get nominated?! He's going to get fucking lynched.

God, I hate Aden. He's just so pathetic in every way. Try hard dullard, baby, he doesn't know himself.

I actually feel nervous for Harry right now. I don't think he realises what people can be like. Especially about food. This is pure boarding school behaviour! Harry's gone all red in the face with excitement.

OMG imagine if he hadn't got the tobacco as well. There'd be a fucking murder. I've not seen so many bananas in the Big Brother house since Jedward trollydashed round Lidl.

Uh, oh Jay is unravelling. I can't STAND aggressive men. I can't stand men who throw things or hit things, because the next thing they throw or hit is YOU! Give him a warning!

Notice Anton instigating! He knows this is bad news for Harry and he's going to milk it for all it's worth. I could live on chocolate and bananas very easily. That would be a healthy improvement on my diet.

Jay is going to 'kick the life out of every fucking banana'. Are you going to tell him, or am I? Oh, he really fucked those bananas up good. Proper hard man, he is. I thought apes liked bananas?

Now Maisy is upset that they didn't get alcohol. They're going to get even more pissed if they have alcohol on empty stomachs.

Jay's getting seriously mad. Is he going to shit in the freezer again (which they never showed?) Fuck Jay, I'm really starting to hate him. Why haven't we seen him getting told off for being aggressive? Jokey non-racism is bad, but throwing things is OK?

LOL to the green butter and the blue milk. I think the food colouring was the final tyrannical touch. At least Harry can make them milkshakes. It's not even Frosties they got. It's Frosted Flakes! Own brand anger.

Jay is an aggressive cunt. I can't stand him now. I would personally be scared if someone was punching the shit out of an inanimate object in there, I don't find that acceptable at all, it's threatening. You can say 'oh he's getting his anger out' but I don't want to be anywhere near someone who can contain that much anger. No thanks. Honestly, just give him a club and a caveman outfit and be done with it.

Faye seems to think that's OK. It isn't. Louise thinks it's sexy. Yeah, it's so sexy until you end up with a broken nose or in the morgue as another statistic. Interesting she said he's making her nervous. Satiate his need! Geordie caveman cannot survive without food or fucking!

Jay's happy now he's got a beer in his hand, now. Aaron must not believe his eyes that Louise is so besotted with Jay. I'm totally perplexed by it, but my only conclusion has to be, she's thick as shit. Shame, as I like her.

Jay looks like he's wearing a dress. All that snogging and moaning under the covers is gross! This is Britain! Show some decorum. Nah, not really, go for it, why not? 'It felt natural so i'm going to do it.' says Louise. Faye: take notes.

Big Brother 2011 - Doll (de)parts

'What's meant to be is meant to be.' Almost as duff as 'it is what it is'.

Mark seems quite a tragic figure, really. So why is he really leaving? Was it that he couldn't keep up the act? Perhaps he'd run out of material. It's a shame in a way that we never got to see the 'real' him, but I have an inkling if he'd done the full stretch, we would still never have seen it. Maybe he's just as shallow as Maisy. But him walking says otherwise. Something was going on up there, but who knows what?

I guess the toy factory task is better than doing nothing. Maisy pronounced 'reject bin' as weirdly as Jeremy Kyle pronounces 'lie detector'-with the emphasis in exactly the wrong place.

On Digital Spy today someone said they wanted to 'give their TV screen a good wipe after Jay had been on it' which tickled me. It will never be clean!

The task 'twist' is quite funny. Who will twig first? Let's be honest, probably none of them. Tom's little face as he was stuffing those bears; pure determination.

Why has Jay been given a pen and paper? Besides, I thought he was illiterate. He'll probably try to eat it or fuck it.

Doll part fight! They should play Hole over that montage.

Ad break. I have NEVER watched an episode of Friends and NEVER WILL! Everyone in it is insufferable! And yes, I say that watching Big Brother. I'm bold!

Who made Jay the boss anyway? And put Aden and Anton as his henchmen? Aaron is taking his frustrations out on the dolls. Aden bossing Aaron about was pathetic. I liked Aaron just ignoring him. What's up with Aden? You don't call your workforce 'a fucking wanker' or' a prick'. I still have almost no idea what's going on, another dodgy edit tonight.

'Jack, ace, king, queen, no, no, no, no, no, no,no...' as Morrissey once sang. Followed atrociously by 'aces doing time... jack's are doing fine' by Placebo. I can't think of any more playing card related songs, can you?

Lol to Aaron's 'I think this is about the promotion' when they got called to the office for tell off times. 'Blues brothers' was also pretty funny. I like Harry more every day. Mind you, compared to that house full of tossers, I'd like pretty much anyone. The house needs a serious overhaul as all these conflicting personalities worked well at first, but have basically now run out of steam. Did Jay just say 'disobedience'? That's a long word for a very thick man.

Is Mark leaving because of 'the cameras'? I think he must be dying for a wank. I think 'end of my sell by date' is right, he's phrased it correctly. I think I would have stuck it out in the hope of the 100K. How many times in life are you going to have a one in 12 or less chance of winning that cash?

Anton will be THRILLED that Mark is leaving. I think he knows he's quite popular.

Mark: 'I don't want to be filmed no more.' Everyone: 'what are you on about?' as if that's an alien concept. I know how Mark feels when you feel like your time somewhere is done. He can't even sneak off without saying goodbye, like I do on most nights out. I'd hate everyone going on at me to stay. Once you know you've got to go, you've got to go. I felt like that on a cruise ship on the River Nile once, and called my mum who got me on a plane home the next day (she had cash in those days, ! wonder where it all went!). Sometimes, you'd just got to go. I understand completely.

Tom looked genuinely upset and Aaron did his introverted sit-in-a-corner schtick. Mark: 'it's not you, it's the cameras.' Even Jay is crying! The producers must be quite worried. If the clown leaves the party, what are you left with? It's going to be like a wake. Even when someone they hate goes they get sad.

Aw, Tom and Alex crying in the loo was so cute. Their friendship is so lush. And Aden giving Jay a cuddle! Really sweet.

What? Mark 'can't not be the centre of attention'?! That really is sad. It's nice that everyone is so upset and loves him so much. He has to leave now just to save face! I get the feeling once he makes up his mind, that's it.

Wow, emotions are running high in that house! I hope Mark gets what he wants, whatever it is. And I hope we get what we want: new housemates (and live feed *said in very fast voice to indicate small print*)

Big Brother 2011 - Discrimination station nominations!

I've managed to avoid the nomination results, somehow (well, easily, because no one's watching it). Hate seems quite evenly spread so who knows who would be up this week.

LOL to Mark getting sick of his own act. if he's sick of it, how does he think we feel? Note, anyone self proclaimed 'odd/ weird/ crazy' is normally the most boring motherfucker on the planet. The maddest person I know thinks she's perfectly normal. And she has Fred and Rose tattooed on her toes (she doesn't watch BB so I should get away with this - besides, she's lush).

This Guillemots song has been going through my head all day, and I want to dedicate it to Faye:

'And to those of you who moan your lives through one day to the next, well let them take you next/ can't you live and be thankful you're here, cos it could be you tomorrow next year..' Listen and learn from Fyfe Dangerfield, young lady.

Wow, that was interesting seeing Jay let rip at Aaron (well, behind his back). He's right about Aaron, though. Why is Mark talking through his fingers? Oh, for God's sake, Aaron, Jay didn't mean anything by it. People say fucking stupid things sometimes, but you can normally seperate the race hate from the boneheadedness, unless you DELIBERATELY don't want to. Not that I'm suggesting that (much!) I'm starting to think Faye and Aaron deserve each other, it's like one giant sulking competition. Which Aaron is winning.

Mark, people can still tell you're talking, and people can still hear you. Stop attention seeking. Aaron, you can only win this thing if you get a grip and pull yourself together, you're being a complete freakshow. Remember when he came in the house, all cock of the walk? Look at him now - he's gibbering.

How come they aren't confined to a smoking area this year? Mega bad buzz in the house today. Aaron is going to be SO up for nomination today. 'I can't even LOOK at them at the moment.' It's not the first time I've heard him come out with that melodramatic claptrap. Fucking hell, Aaron, at my writing group alone we've got black people, foreign people (I know, it's London, mad innit), people in wheelchairs, drunks, nutters, psychopaths. If I took offence on behalf of all that lot every day I'd be hospitalised. I hear more offensive things than that in my mother's living room.

Glad Harry nominated Faye. Kick her aht! All female nominations. I guess Harry's not used to being around women.

Fucking hell man, my cat Towie keeps switching my lamp off and on and he's driving me NUTS! Let me enjoy these nominations! Why is Maisy putting talc in her hair. I like her hair. Maybe I should try it.

Aden, you immature little boy. You got a LOT to learn! Yay, Faye's racking up a few votes. LOL she nominated Aaron. Hilarious. 'I really like you' - not much. Faye vs Aaron eviction? I'd pay to see it.

Yay more votes for Faye for her drink dramas. Get her up. Interested Jay didn't nominate Aaron but nominated Mark for 'licking crotch'. Pecking order nominations!

Louise nominates Maisy again for 'watching her'. Yes, more Faye noms! I thought they all loved Faye! They don't, they're just appeasing her grumpy old guts and now it's time to take revenge.

[Aaron going on about] this joke isn't funny anymore! Tom and Alex are flying RIGHT under that radar this week.

Faye overthinks things? Never. LOL Faye's almost got a full house this week. I'm thrilled. I think it will do Faye good to come out and 'know herself' and how she comes across to others.

Anton nominated Maisy? I guess that birthday kiss never happened then. Shocker!

Faye and Maisy up! Wish it wasn't two girls, to be honest. And will Faye even go over Maisy? Maisy is quite odious and completely shallow. I mean, what have we learnt about her in the past few weeks? Fuck all. And the worst part is, they'll ship new women houseguests in, but not men! We need some new male blood, badly!

I like the way Harry and Aaron amuse themselves with Alex, it's quite sweet and reminds me of having older brothers. I don't think for one minute think Alex thinks Willy Wonka is real. She's having them on as much as they're having her on.

Louise: 'I think non-stop, me.' Jay: 'do you normally have one person for cuddles and that?' Is that like a fuck buddy? I can see a solution to this problem. Cuddle each other! Louise: 'do you put mats down when you have a brew?' I love that this is her gold standard of someone with a posh house. Super cute.

Oh, god when Faye and Maisy find out they're up they're going to be even more horrendous than normal. How did Aaron dodge that bullet? Even he's shocked! Aaron, this isn't about you right now. Oh I forgot. Everything is about you, always.

Mark is like a little moping monkey in that bath. Why is Aaron shaking his head? Shouldn't he say 'are you OK?' to Faye?

'If it's my time to go, it's my time to go!' Hilarious, that's a proper BBUSA-ism.

DID Aaron nominate Faye and Maisy? No. He nominated Jay and Anton! Aaron sooo doesn't like it when Tom stands up to him. Why can't everyone just toe the line and run around after him like Mark does, hey?

How does ANTON dodge that bullet every week, too? He's the biggest knob on the planet, the biggest cunt to have EVER walked through those doors, worse than Mario (health and safety, not mole), Vinnie Jones, Sam Pepper, Alex *pow pow pow*, Marco, Anthony Hutton, Charley, Sezar and Tina Malone combined.

I hope Faye goes this week, and I hope she realises that it's not Aaron's fault, it's hers. Yes you snogged someone, so you're a 'hussy'. Who even uses the word 'hussy'? I'm a feminist and I'd rather be called a slag, at least it's honest. But you're not a slag for kissing someone, ffs. In fact, on Channel 5 you're barely a slag if you participate in a spitroast. Just do it with a fucking smile on your face and we won't even mind.

Big Brother 2011 - Unhappy meal

Hello! I'm back from Amsterdam in one piece and won't be going anywhere again for a while, except bed or work.

I quite enjoyed catching up on BB, there were a few funny highlights. Can't believe I missed my chance to use the title 'Heaven sent (home); I'd been sitting on that one for a while. And BOTS played 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now' so good on to them. I enjoyed her fall up the stairs, too.

What else? Faye: should have 'what do people think?' tattooed on her forehead. Louise and Jay: stupidly cute. Louise: 'It was so intelligent the way he phrased things with those sweets with love hearts on'. Yes, Louise, we call them Lovehearts. Also, it's not like you can be THAT creative with Lovehearts. You can't say 'howay, give us a fuck, lass' with them, can you (I'm sure he tried)? If Louise is that easily pleased with a packet of sweets, god knows how she'd react to say, a meal or a holiday.

Anton's birthday: Anton got the Dustin edit (in BBUSA Dustin was made 'king of the house' and then became evicted the same week because the power went to his head and he was insufferable and smug). Are BB trying to do the same to Anton (King Cunt-ute)? Wouldn't have to try too hard, really. Prick is as prick does, after all. I'm hoping people will remember his mean-spiritedness and egotism when they sit in the DR on nom-noms day. The trick they played on him with the single was like Rodrigo meets the Queen minus the charm. I don't think he really bought it; but it's not due to his astronomical IQ. It's due to his shit song. I heard Aden thinks Anton's raps lack finesse.

God, it would be brilliant to go out with Faye, wouldn't it, and have her listing all your faults so early in the morning. She's like some girlfriend your best male friend brings round and says how wonderful she is, whilst she sits there sulking and criticising your wallpaper/ music taste/ sexual boundaries. And believe me, your friend will end up married to that miserable sow. I've seen it happen! And even after 20 years of low level mental abuse and soul erosion, he'll still be trying to convince you (and himself!) that she's got a good sense of humour, or she makes a mean roast dinner. But you've been for her roast dinner. And the chicken was all shrivelled. And she's still criticising him and everything he stands for, as they clear up after their surly, sour-faced kids who look and act and treat him just like her.

So Aaron was married before! I never knew that. I like Aaron. I like his pincers and his faux naivety. I like his tolerance of Faye pick-pick-picking at him. He's emotionally manipulative, but he does it in such a way, you can't really call him out on it or he'll just go 'my son is watching!' and run off for a cry.

This hotdog stuff is quite boring, I wish I'd been writing my blog yesterday instead! I had loads of material, honest.

Aaron virtually telling Harry to nominate Tom and Anton was unsubtle. Oh, Maisy, you liar, you made the move on Aaron. Behave, as your dad saw fit to aeroplane over (allegedly).

I'm not surprised at ALL that Faye likes to be dominated in the bedroom, I bet she just lies there, criticising and complaining. I don't think there's ever been a housemate in Big Brother history who promised so much and delivered so little.

Why is Faye cuddling Anton? A bit of context might be nice. LOL to Jay getting into trouble for racism. He's not having a great day, is he? I'm still waiting for Maisy to have her 'yo, my niggas' moment. Give it time.

This coded conversation is brilliant. Aaron's horror! This film 'White Chicks' sounds like a must-not see. Yet that sort of racism gets made into films! And idiots watch it. Just like Big Brother.

Faye is talking to herself now! What is going on? What is up with Aaron? Is he upset about all the racists in the house? Oh come on, Aaron, it's hardly Romper Stomper, isn't it? Oh, it's the disabled comments he's upset about. No it isn't! It's Faye cuddling Anton, isn't it? Probably doesn't help that he's black, either.

Bad edit, tonight, BB. Should have had less hamburger eating and a bit more context of that row, as I couldn't make head nor tail of it. And remember in the final, a vote for Jay is a vote for WHITE POWER! You racist.

Big Brother 2011 - Wine whines

The houseguests are not respecting those fixtures and fittings! Tom and Maisy moaning about being fat is rather tiresome. Tom is borderline anorexic.

Pet suckers! How did they fall for that one? Faye probably does treat her pets like that, she treats her men worse.

A science lesson with Heaven and Aden. I think she must have said melanin about seventy-five times then. Lol to Harry and Jay trying to order wine gums and Heaven ordering avocado. Hopefully Heaven won't be around to eat the avocado. What sort of person takes chocolate OFF a shopping list? This show has been quite boring so far.

My friend just pointed out that the show might be suffering from a lack of Rebeckah. She's right. There's barely any tension, just pranks and people talking shit.

If in doubt, force drink down their throats. Then they'll have an argument. Maisy, taking something that doesn't belong to her that she doesn't even want? Never.

Louise looks drunk! How many drinks does she have to have before she succumbs to Jay's 'charms'?

God, there's so much tittle-tattle in that house! Anton is chief shit stirrer. How can he say 'it wasn't me' wearing a hat that said 'wasn't me'. Faye feels victimised. I wish someone would really give her something to moan about. Also, what's she wearing, a leotard and harem pants? Also, why is Faye all chummy with Maisy? Maisy has a boyfriend yet snogged the man Faye fancied, just for a laugh.

Don't be shady over a bit of wine! Faye's sitting in the corner crying. It's not exactly Fight Night is it? Jay would never leave a man behind on the Big Brother battlefield.

Harry to Mark: 'your advice is somewhat unorthodox at times.' Brilliant.

Don't refer to yourself as a 'bird', Louise, it's self-hating.

Faye: 'I'm the most [insert word here] person in the house.' Why have you got a love bit on your neck? How does Faye get away with the way she acts towards everyone? She sucks the oxygen out of a room.

Sorry this blog is shit, but blame C5. Right, I'm off to Amsterdam. Save Aaron and see you Monday.

Big Brother 2011 - Nice one, dickhead

Sad song on the wakey-upey montage today, serious times. Let's all bow our heads.

Does Alex SERIOUSLY think that's a real gorilla? It's made of fucking acrylic! It's just that dude off those Cadburys adverts dullards like. They've spent a few quid on that cage, why not stick Mark in there?

Also it would be extremely cruel to have a real gorilla in there. They had to take the chickens away after the first year because they couldn't look after them - they couldn't even be trusted with a pot plant. What is 'the end game' they're going on about?

I wonder why Aaron thinks Faye doesn't fancy him when she says things like 'if you do that again I'll elbow you in the face.' Passive aggressive, much?

Phil Collins! They're trying to subliminally sell us Cadburys. This gorilla shit is boring. Should have got a Zingbot instead.

Maisy doesn't give head? That's a sure fire way to make your boyfriend go fuck a prostitute. Plus, how selfish. I like that toothy bitch less every day *sexist*. Oh Anton, you desperate little child. Louise isn't 'wild in bed'- she's just normal, and she's never going to fuck you. Ever. Birthday or leap year or five minutes before the nuclear winter.

I like those cuddly monkeys- want one! They're probably trying to sell us them, too. (Where can I get one?)

I'd go fucking nuts if Harry sprayed that garlic on my bed. R-Pattz would go fucking garrity, also. Bed is a sacred place; not to be fucked with. Oh, they're all doing it. Gross!

Why does Aaron look all golden? And more to the point, is he still leaving? Oh no, he's just leading everyone on again.

Louise is sooooo far out of Jay's league it's untrue. Look at his little side parting today. He looks like a right plank.

Willy willy willy! The greatest song ever written on Big Brother, even better than Aden's raps and (Triple) Spiral's ditties.

Harry's getting a bit overexcited! It's all going to end in tears. There's no Carole or Kerry Katona to get them in line. They need a mummy or daddy to point at the rule book and raise an eyebrow. Oh, Heaven's having a go. Why has Harry turned sick? Be aggressive, be-eee aggressive. Heaven didn't do anything that bad. That's the day to kick off anyway, way after nominations, not the day before (take note, Aaron).

Faye is looking increasingly desperate, and I'm starting to think Aaron will get off with anything. His Mr Innocent act is wearing ever thinner. 'You take a chance if you're given it, and you fall in love with anything' as Roddy Woomble once sang.

Why DID Harry snap? I think they must have cut that a bit strangely, as it didn't seem to make sense.

How often is there a naked man standing in the middle of the room as you have a big row? Well, depends where you live, I suppose.

Big Brother 2011 - Martyr-dumb

Anton. Repeat after me: I am not Slick Vic. I am not Slick Vic. Cos you see... you've got no charm.

Oh Jesus, are we going to have to go through kissgate all day today as well? Maisy is quite heartless, she doesn't give a shit about Aaron, just her shoes.

Tom is taking it a bit far, now. You're not his boyfriend! Seriously, relax. Why aren't they playing the alarm to get Aaron out of bed? I bet they never play the alarm anymore. They only need a couple of hour's footage, so they only need them awake a few hours.

Why does Aaron have to say sorry? He's not in a polygamous relationship with Tom and Faye. Maisy looks like she couldn't give a shit if Aaron lived or died. Aaron is not helping himself either, his martyrdom act is getting a bit hammy.

Anton is talking about the tax-free £100K winnings! Don't clear any space in your bank account, mate, because there's more chance of Jay running the country than you getting your hand on that green.

Maisy, don't go into counselling, you're not exactly warm. Bet you Maisy nominates Aaron! Aaron is making himself such an easy target sulking in bed. They WANT to send you home! Stop inviting them to.
OK, I'll confess, Mark has made me laugh two or three times in the past two days. But let's never speak of it again.

If Aaron doesn't pull himself together he is going to get voted out. OMG Aaron called Tom 'a disgusting person.' Harsh! Oh fucking hell, stop going on about going home. Just walk if you feel like that!

This is getting really fucking boring now. Tom, you owe Aaron an apology for saying you were gonna smack him in the face.

Nom noms! I know who's up (thanks, Digital Spy). Good nominations, Alex, voting for Anton and Aden. My thoughts exactly.

Anton voted for Aaron out of JEALOUSY! You got beat. Accept it. Aden voting for Heaven? Shocker!

Faye, what did you have for breakfast? Sour grapes? You nagging old shrew! I pity the man you finally ensnare.

Hmm, I wonder why Maisy doesn't like Louise? Is it because she's stunning? I wonder. Maisy was lucky not to be up this week. I'd like to have seen her shown the door.

Interesting that everyone says Aden's changed. Mark's nominations might as well have been scripted.

Interesting no one nominated Harry! He's well under the radar now. Floaters (don't) grab a life-vest.

All Maisy cares about is being desired, and she doesn't care who she hurts along the way. She's about as sensitive as a Coke can.

I don't know why Aaron is bothering to appease Faye. I'd drown her in the pool if I was in there.

Is ANYTHING ELSE going to happen in this episode? FFS. Can we have a bit of comedy or a task or something? Anything?

Faye: 'I want you to stay, I don't want you to go.' Why did you nominate him then? Also, what is that jumper Aaron is wearing?

That hug between Aaron and Maisy was super uncomfy. They SHOULD have had sex for all the grief it caused!

I thought Aaron was quite cold with Tom at the end. I think he is a bit of a emotional headfucker, like Rebeckah (I wrote it again!) in a way. But still, save him! Let's show Heaven the door this week. Negative energy! I should coco.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm not a bed hopping sex fiend

Oh readers, I was relying on you, and you let me down. Turned my back on you and you voted out Rebeckah. I hope you're enjoying Aden sobbing and doing mournful raps and Heaven with a newly pumped-up ego, talking about herself in the third person. I hope you're proud of yourselves!

I was glad Rebeckah didn't apologise for her behaviour, and her goodbye video was inspired. 'The rest of you pale into insignificance' - brilliant. On the bright side, I don't have to spell 'Rebeckah' like that ever again.

I did make some vague notes about the catch up episodes, but I lost most of them. From yesterday's, the main things were: what'a all the fuss about a man weeing sitting down? If Faye is that icked out by that she must be really fucking boring in bed, as well as being a dull-as-fuck housemate. Same for the wanking competition, clearly just a bit of fun, yet Alex saw fit to call it 'inappropriate'. Inappropriate? In the Big Brother house? It's like a fucking nunnery in there.

The only other thing of note was I wanted to say something about how interchangable all the romances seem. It's like anyone will get off with anyone. I liked the little exchange between Tom and Aaron yesterday; that seemed like where the genuine feelings were to me.

I also want to say: Anton is probably the biggest prick to ever walk through the Big Brother doors. Ever. EVER. Just consider that.

My boyfriend just said they should have thermal imaging in the bedroom so we can see exactly what goes on under the covers. Take note, BB.

I like Aaron, and the way he's just bumbling through this situation. Maisy gave it to him on the plate and he couldn't say no. He doesn't fancy Maisy. He doesn't really like Faye. He used to like Louise!

I don't think Faye even likes Aaron. She just wants something to cling onto. The relationships in that house are last less long than my diet plans.

Everything Faye says I disagree with. She's a dour, fun-hating, narrow-minded bore who only got in because of that body, which she's covered up every day since. Put that nice dress on again or just fuck off, because you're a waste of airtime.

God, what is such a big deal about having a cheeky snog? No one is committed to anyone on that house! it's Big Brother: get naked and run around and snog everyone! What else are you in there for?

Harry: 'that fox in London that ate that child' - is he working for the Daily Mail? *insert picture of angry fox snarling here*

All Anton ever talks about is rating the girls on a sliding scale! He's gross. He's like a 15 year old 'fingers in all the pies, literally'. Intelligent? He's barely sentient. Heaven's crab eyes rolling when Anton dished the dirt about Aaron and Maisy. Classic.

At least Tom was honest that he was jealous not like all that Kerry Katona/ Lucien bullshit. I prefer it straight up.

Loved them ripping Aaron about Maisy's age. Honestly, they've got too much time on their hands in that house. The tiniest of incidents has been blown out of all proportion. Look at them all peeking round the door! Have they never seen anyone have a snog before? Fucking hell, I've got less grief over snogging someone whilst IN a relationship before. If Aaron properly got it on with Tom they'd have to send in the smelling salts.

Maisy has been cleaning her teeth for about three hours so far. It's really not becoming of Maisy to lie about this bullshit. It's a SNOG! Just go 'yeah, I snogged him. I'm single. What of it?' End of discussion.

OMG Faye what rights do you have to Aaron?! NONE! You got out of that bed and said 'spoon Maisy.' You got what you wanted! Who the fuck is she to say shit about his son? Fuck her, man. Fucking bitch. Yeah, you don't know him, you're not his fucking girlfriend so just shut your mouth.

Why is everyone having a go at Aaron and not Maisy? Is she a member of victim club now, too?My boyfriend thinks it's because they're giving them so much booze in the house they've all gone mentals. I think they're just all mentals.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm a 19 year old boy! *blub*

Two blogs in a row? My fingers hurt. I also write all day for my job. No wonder I'm so fat. Mind you, get your money's worth out of me, as there'll be no BB blogs Friday and Saturday. I'm going to a conference (whoop!) so I'm going to miss the Rebeckah/ Heaven eviction! Nooooo. I promise to do a big catch up on Sunday or Mon at the latest, if I'm half dead on Sun, which I might be after lots of smiling and running about. Come on, wait for me. It's not like I'm on death row.

I like Tom's policy on 'barber shop banter'. Anyone who likes talking to their hairdresser or enjoys going to the hairdresser is a freak. I don't blame him for not getting his hair cut off. In BBUSA Muslim heartthrob Kaysar had to shave his head for a task and I didn't fancy him anymore. It ruined the next next few... well days, before he got voted out (again).

I don't blame Faye for not getting that tattoo either. I reckon Jay would have done it, though.

I like Alex and Tom's relationship. Why does Rebeckah talk in such an enunciated way? It's like she's talking to a toddler.

LOL to Alex 'I didn't change my quilt for seven months, but I febreezed it.' Just as good!

Aden has actually got a bit of a problem now, hasn't he, it's gone from cute, puppy love to a bit obsessive. Rebecca is ENJOYING his pain! Man, she is evil.

I know BB wants Rebeckah to stay this week, but killing Heaven via bungee jump isn't on. I've done a lot of stupid things in my time, but you wouldn't catch me doing that fucker, It should be illegal in my opinion. Either way, Heaven gets a good edit out of it.

What is that willy willy willy song they do? I heard them sing a pussy pussy pussy one once so at least they're equal opportunities. Mind you, that's not getting as much airtime.

Ooh Aden is getting foot rub rage. You're NOT HER BOYFRIEND, Aden. You could be a stalker, though. Aden's not letting it get to him. He's all good. Yeah, right.

Aden on Maisy: 'trust me if I wanted to, I could get Maisy.' Not in this lifetime, kiddo. God, he sounds like such a prick when he's talking to Anton. He's like a different person.

I like the evilness of BB threatening to show the nominations. They should have gone for it, that would have been AMAZING TV.

I like Tom's haircut. This envelope is going to have '1' written on it, isn't it? Ah, they passed! Boo.

Aden is being SUCH a muppet. He's REALLY immature. Maisy is crying because Aden said she had a spot. Spotgate! LOL. Get a grip, Maisy. Was that Aden 'putting the moves' on Maisy. yeah she's going to be in bed with him before you know it with chat up lines like that.

Rebeckah is thrilled that Maisy is upset. Ha, Maisy fancies him, says Rebeckah. She can't fucking stand him.

Harry and Jay's clothes swap was quite funny, I would have liked to have seen that in the Diary Room.

How does Maisy get her hair like that? I want her hair. If we had live feed we could unravel this mystery.Is the camera zooming in on Maisy like that so we can see her spots?

She looked like she was going to laugh when Aden started blubbing. Then she looked like she was going to fall asleep. I think she's pissed. I think they're both pissed.

Aden doesn't care about Rebeckah's past? That's big of him. Was she asking for his approval? God, he's making such a dick of himself.

What's got up Faye's nose? I can't STAND her. Talk about flying off the handle for no reason. I like Tom! Aw to Alex counselling him. Fight! Fight! Fight! How much have they had to drink? Heaven is being stupid. OMG Rebeckah you're NOT A COUNSELLOR! STOP SAYING IT! You give Samaritans a bad name.

On an unrelated note, see you at the end of the weekend. Vote to save Rebeckah! Do it on FB, it's only 7p. Miss you.

Big Brother 2011 - I know exactly which cake I'm going for

How's your day been? I started mine by crashing my car. I'd like to say it got better; it didn't. Perhaps BB can cheer me up? This yes/no game looks like it might have potential.

I liked Alex going 'I know exactly which cake I'm going for'. My kinda girl.

Harry's 'I voted for her twice' is one of the best lines in Big Brother this series. The po faces! Can't they take a joke?

Jay has got tattoos on his KNEES! Ouchy.

What is Faye upset about? Is it because she's a boring bastard? Alex's spray tan task was quite funny. I like Alex! I think she'll like being orange. I've seen people look more orange in Heat magazine. I love Harry laughing at it. I like Harry loads these days! If only he wasn't a bloodthirsty toff.

My cat just unplugged the telly. Thanks!

Aaron, I don't think your little boy is going to want a manky old cake you've frozen. Don't get excited about it. Christ, if Jedward were in there you'd have something to complain about. Why aren't BB showing us the instigators? Oh, it was Maisy. Cakegate! I don't think Aaron is accepting this apology. I don't think Maisy could give a shit, to be honest. Why is she groping her own bosoms? There's not much there to speak of. I do like her hair, though. I wonder how she gets it like that.

I love the fact they gave Anton a bright orange electric shock task outfit. What? I hear you ask, they're wheeling out that old electric shock task again? Yes. Yes, they are.

I've realised who Maisy reminds me of. She's just Peaches "spoilt shit" Geldof, isn't she? Like we needed another one!

Oh, I've gone off Harry now he didn't do that task. Cop out! Foxhunting scum. Not risking your reputation? You're on Big Brother, you knob! Punish him!

Why did Rebeckah choose Mark for that task? She should have chosen Harry as it would have been more realistic after he said no. I liked it when she said 'oops' and did an evil cackle. She's brilliantly bad.

Aaron: 'he's in there and he's wearing mainly orange.' Mmm, who could that be? I'd much rather see Aaron get with Louise than Faye.

When is BB going to fix it for Rebeckah to stay? They cannot afford to lose her now! Sort it aht.

Big Brother 2011 - Who's gonna lie when there's a house full of cameras?

Chicks before dicks! OMG I take it all back. I bet in an earlier blog we'd hear 'bros before hos' now I'm hearing chicks before dicks! To all men: I apologise. I've never even HEARD of the phrase 'chicks before dicks'. Sexist in BOTH directions! Genius.

Rebeckah, you DID say Heaven was eating the biscuits. Rebeckah was the FIRST to eat a biscuit. You're taking the mick. Having said that I can't believe we're still talking about biscuits a week later. Is this what my life is for?

Come on, Jay, call Rebeckah out! Come on! 'I can't remember.' What a cop out. She's got them well trained, hasn't she? Rebeckah is lying to Jay's FACE. I respect him for covering for her in a way, but she is a disgrace to put him in that position. OK, I'm fed up with this, now. Next!

The only person putting you in a viscous cycle of bad men is YOURSELF, Rebeckah. I can't stand women who are like 'all men are bastards' or 'I like bad boys'. With that attitude you get everything you deserve, you really do.

She loves Aden, now? Oh come, come. Get a grip. Ah, I've just twigged, it's NOMINATIONS today! No wonder they're doing a quick patch-up job. Bet you a MILLION QUID Heaven and Rebeckah still nominate each other after making up. A million!

Everything's bless, yeah? Yeah. It's all good.

Nom noms! It's so easy for everyone to nominate Heaven and Rebeckah this week. They got a big target on their back! LOL to Aden nominating Tom for having a go at Rebeckah. My hero.

Bad energy in that DR today. They get through these nominations quick, don't they. Anton's noms are so contrived! Contrived, contrived, contrived. Who's more contrived out of Anton and Mark? It's hard to say, they are both acting their little socks off.

Faye is getting on my nerves! I don't like nominating! I don't like this! I don't like that! Piss off, then, dullard.

Maisy is getting a few votes! I've not really seen much of Maisy, so can't get the measure of her. I'm fairly sure she's a dick, though.

Heaven didn't nominate Rebeckah! You got played, m'dear. Jay isn't the instigator, there. Nice work, Rebeckah.

OMG Maisy is nearly up! Yay, I'd like to see Maisy go. I don't want Heaven or Rebeckah to go now, really. Not this week.

Bless Jay, he's quite an innocent thing, really. Maisy's nominations completely at odds with the rest of the house, I love it.

Rebeckah nominating Jay for 'causing trouble'. Hilarious. Oh, Rebeckah, please watch the tapes when you get out and realise why you got the worst booing in Big Brother history, because it's going to happen. You need to take a good hard look at yourself, and get some therapy fast.

Ha, Rebeckah is no fool, she still nominated Heaven. Perfect!

Heaven vs Rebeckah! This is going to be a good one. Aaron received NO nominations this week? He turned that round pretty well. Anton received no nominations?! WHY!? Describing women as 'loose' or 'respectful'- what a highly DISRESPECTFUL categorisation, if I may say so.

I didn't like Faye and Tom teasing Aaron. Go back to Louise again! Why is Faye digging him out? He wasn't even interested in her a few days ago.

LOL check out the body language when Faye asked Aaron if he was bi! His leg started going like the fucking clappers! 'Never say never' equals 'I'm bi.' In fact bi's are generally quite straight up, I'm calling closet case.

I think a woman being bi and a man being bi is a bit different, as a man has to make more of a commitment to be bi, plus socially it's less 'acceptable' and you MUST BE GAY (oh hold on, I just made that generalisation!). It's quite easy for a woman to to snog another woman with no feelings involved and no eyebrows raised. Either way, I'd rather see Aaron and Tom in bed than Aaron and Faye, so get on with it.

I wouldn't say you're unpopular, Rebeckah, but if Hitler was on the block with you, I still couldn't call the eviction percentages. She's got a defence mechanism in place of a personality.

LOL to Harry calling Heaven's nominations 'idiotic'. Er, Heaven, you're not meant to tell people who you nominated.

I really want Heaven to go over Rebeckah as literally half my blog will disappear is Rebeckah's not in there (and 80% of my titles). Save Rebeckah! Can you really be bothered to vote to save Heaven? Come on, let's stick it to her and her positive energy! Let the evilness remain!

Big Brother 2011 - You deserve a man who stalks you

Wow, they're finally onto Rebeckah! Took them long enough. These idiots would probably keep Mugabe in the house if he made a decent cup of coffee.

Rebeckah: 'I believe in tarot, I believe in voodoo.' Wow, you're thicker than I thought. I actually gave her a bit more credit than that.

Just had to have some tell off times with my cat who is clinging precariously onto my handbag on the back of the door. Honestly, it's like a full time job looking after kittens. How do people have babies? WHY?

Heaven's coded conversation and Aden going 'I think I get what you're trying to say.' No flies on him, are there? Which branch of Mensa is he with again?

Jay's ideas for a task were great. He's a very base individual indeed. He's just grunting round for his next sandwich or shag. I don't know why he even bothers with vocabulary or haircuts.

The Big Brother voice that was talking to Faye sounded like some cockney sparrow. I liked Faye's tactics for dissing people, she set it up quite intelligently. Although I don't think 'that's really put me off you' is really a diss. 'You fucking dickhead' was more like it. She should have switched it up a bit more.

Faye likes Jay! I thought she liked Aaron. Jay stuck a cucumber up someone's fanny. How could you get one up there?! I don't want to go down this thought path any longer. Turn back before it's too late!

Oh, Faye, take Jay on the date, he's starving, FFS. I don't like her personality. I just can't warm to her, she's quite dour and humourless.

Ironic that she didn't choose Jay because he fancies Louise, because Aaron fancies Louise even more. Mind you, even I fancy Louise.

I'd believe that Aaron was going to dress up stupid for the date if they hadn't already shown him on the date looking OK. Faye's put her make-up on with a shovel. I can't decide which bit is more horrendous between the two-tone eyeshadow and the drawn on eyebrows.

At least Aaron can prove he likes laydeez now, and not cock. But we know he likes cock, really!

Imagine someone on a date going 'do you want me to pretend to be Louise for a bit?'

Aaron: 'she's the world.' What a cheesy motherfucker. He was mooning over Louise yesterday and Tom the day before. Mr Fickle!

Listen to the way Jay talks about women: 'Wants looking after... sweet and innocent... marriage material.' Madonna/ whore complex much? The way Anton talks about women is as if they're sub-human. but at least you kn

I didn't even notice at the time how much Rebeckah shitstirred that 'Heaven's eating everything' row. It was her that instigated eating the biscuits!

LOL to Aden dropping Heaven in it. Rebeckah: 'I won't bring it up.' How long before she brings it up? Also, Aden was quite encouraging when Heaven said that to him.

BEDGATE. It's gonna kick off. 'I don't want any negative vibrations.' followed by 'Are you fucking crackers?' is my favourite bit of dialogue in BB so far. I have to say I would have dealt with that situation in exactly the same way Rebeckah did, just come out all guns blazing. You can see how much Tom hates Rebeckah now. She's making his skin crawl. Aden getting involved is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. Put him back in front of his Xbox with a rusk.

I can't stand Rebeckah OR Heaven. I'd stab the pair of them to death within a week.It's like picking sides between Margaret Thatcher and Fiona Phillips.

It's not 'bullying', Rebeckah. You are an emotionally abusive cuntrag, though. This fight would have been good to watch on the live feed! More swearing please.

I like Tom's accent now, and his dry way of getting involved. He's growing on me more and more.

It's deffo going to be Rebeckah vs Heaven this week. I can't wait!

Big Brother 2011 - They mightn't be giants

Tell off times! They've been gathered on the sofa for a damn good telling off. Mattress abuse will not be stood for. Respect the mattress at all times. It's in the rule book.

If I was in there I wouldn't really care less about having no hot water or no hairdryers. Even no alcohol I could deal with for a couple of weeks. Ah, I see. It's just an excuse to show people naked in the shower.

Heaven is on planet bullshit merchant talking about giants from other planets. Harry: 'did you get this from Waterstones or a more specialist shop?'

Popcorn chicken! Did I get the joke? I get bored of popcorn after a couple of fistfuls. I think this is an endurance task but I can't really tell as they don't explain it properly.

This is quite a dull highlights episode. My cat chewing and kicking the shit out of the rolled-up rug is more entertaining.

What do they win if they pass this task? As usual we don't know, so we can't invest in it. Well done Big Brother!

Seems like they're constantly asleep in that house. No wonder BB isn't giving us live feed.

All these pranks and trashing the house is all quite juvenile. It's entertaining to a point but there's way to much of it and I feel it's to detriment of any intellectual conversation that might be happening in the house (!) You and I both know it will all end in tears.

My cat has torn a whole in the bottom of the sofa and is now thudding around inside it. Stick a camera in there, it'll probably be better value.

I'm glad Heaven is onto Rebeckah. I'd like to see a Heaven vs Rebeckah eviction. This task is gross. They're allowed toilet breaks? Rubbish. Make 'em suffer.

Harry won immunity. I don't think he would have been up this week anyway. What a boring eposide! My boyfriend just said 'what on earth did you find to write about?' My cats, mainly.

Big Brother 2011 - At what point can you see my testicles when I bend over?

What self-respecting contact lens wearer needs to look in the mirror to put them in? You do that the first week. After that, you sort of work out where your eye is.If you haven't, I wouldn't go claiming to have a supersized IQ.

Have these housemates never heard of bisexuals? My boyfriend on Aaron's internalised homophobia: 'If you play with those things, you have to be prepared to get dirt on your hands.' And my boyfriend knows about these things!

He's right, though, you can't really go to bed cuddling a guy on TV and then complain when people question your sexuality. And Aaron comparing cuddling Tom to cuddling his kid is a mildly disturbing red herring. This is going to become interesting. Aaron is becoming a must-watch character. Him and Rebeckah could pretty much keep the show afloat on their own on their almighty neurosis boat.

Alex and Aaron's discussion on music was hilarious. That was a quality five minutes of TV. Brilliantly baffling. 'What is N Dubz?'

I like Alex! I like her car crash make-up, and her personality. She's just rough and ready. She's my pick to win, but realistically, I think Jay will.

Why is Mark always so crass? I actually find him quite creepy. He's probably going to touch someone up inappropriately sooner or later. You heard it here first.

Why are they playing Scott and Charlene's wedding song? Showing your age there, Big Brother.

So if you have a sulk in there nowadays, Big Brother gives you a photo of your baby? Sounded like they were counselling him in there! I remember the days when Big Brother was impartial and authoritative. THIS COUNTRY HAS GONE TO THE DOGS. Pull yourself together, Aaron, you big sap. And Big Brother, pull your socks up.

How come they've still got access to Pammy's room? Honestly, they're living the life of Riley in there. I'm surprised they don't send in prostitutes carrying profiteroles and pizza for them.

Heaven and Tashie's positive energy rain dance was fabulous. That's where positive energy gets you. Very disappointed. You're better off listening to Morrissey and staring out the window.

Oh no, they're playing Adele over Tashie's eviction. We can only take so much. Fetch the razorblades.

OMG Rebeckah, fuck you. It's not Harry's fault Tashie got evicted, it's Tashie and her non-stop positive energy, card shop cliche BS. Rebeckah is a disgrace to humanity, she really is. She's a viscous, nasty, mealy-mouthed piece of shit and I don't say that lightly. She's so awful, I kind of wanted to like and defend her, but I can't justify it. I can't believe how much leeway the other housemates give her in that house. Kudos to Tom for telling her to STFU.

Anton digging Tashie out when her grave isn't even cold. Nasty man. WTF is this music they're playing in the house. OMG I feel SO OLD.

Aden's rap was the lols. I used to hate Tom but he's growing on me a bit. He seems quite reasoned at times. Mark is 100% playing for the cameras fake, and I've got no time for it. Aden is just like a desperate little puppy. He's going to look back on his time in the house and die of shame.

What's with Faye and Aaron? I don't like her. I've seen no signs of life. Plus he loves Louise. She's proper pissed - that's going to be embarrassing in the morning.

I like the fact there's no Carol/Vinnie Jones in there insisting on putting the lights out and telling them all off. LOL to them lobbing the mattress in the swimming pool. Eat that, Jedward.

Big Brother 2011 - You're not the one for me, Tashie

So will Tashie go tonight? Or will the vote to save pay off?

I never knew what those bits on top of the toaster were for, either. Is that what a private school education gets you?

Can't Harry get those gnashers sorted out with some of his milkshake spoils? Imagine them looming up at you for a snog. Have you seen that film Teeth?

Shopping list: 100 cans of lager and 100 cans of cider. That's the way to do it!

Aaron pining over Louise is fairly boring. She's not biting!

Tashie's boyfriend looks quite normal. Strange.

I'm not surprised no one noticed Alex walking round because no one even speaks to her. I'm just agog someone really did borrow her lipstick, even I wouldn't touch that colour (alright, I would). She's not stupid though; pretending to look for something is a good ruse.

Heaven biscuit gate! Stop scoffing! Check her bed for crumbs. Faye: 'we think you're a nice person but we don't want you to start making enemies in the house.' Veiled threat much? I don't like Faye. She's got nothing going for her except that body, she's a personality dearth. Woman cannot trade on body alone.

Heaven is being a nutter. Odd one out? You'd have to be completely sane to be the odd one out in that place. Rebeckah giving advice on how to come across. It's like getting PR advice from Rose West. No, worse, Heather Mills.

I like Aaron's dissing of Rebeckah. She's just an opinion in place of a personality.

My God. Have they never seen two boys kiss before? I've never heard such a ruckus. They should go down Popstarz, get a real shock.

LOL Tashie looked so shocked to be going. How could the public not LOVE her? She's such a GENUINE person! It's a shame really, as she definitely had a lot more mileage in her. I'd have much rather seen Heaven go this week. I'm not sure Tashie is going to be able to cope with the rejection. Quick, Tashie, call Samaritans, but do it whilst Rebeckah is still in the house, just in case you get her on the phone.

Shit this blog is more threadbare than Faye's personality, so I'd better post this and the eviction interview together. That's interesting, they weren't having two shows for eviction on the celeb version.

Time passes. I do not watch The Batchelor. I feed the cats. I watch a bit of Claire Richards: Slave to Food (note: that Steps reuinion show looks like it could be worth a blog). I like her body. I don't think she looks bad. This obsession with her having to look a certain way is subjugating. She's pretty and cute and fine as she is. Imagine this show but with a man in it, instead of her. Unthinkable. I make another vodka. And we're back!

Am I starting to like Aaron? That can't be right. Oh well, the arrogance of being saved from eviction will put pay to that. Louise has got THAT hat on again.

Ta-ra Tashie. First out. You know who Maisy reminds me of? That Emily idiot who thought it was a good idea to use the N word in the house. But without liking indie music.

Aw, poor Tashie. How could you keep booing when she looks so sad? I like her glittery shoes. Her figure looks good, too. At least being brainless means you can spend a lot of time at the gym without getting bored and wanting to go do something intellectual instead (the best excuse EVER for being fat, I think you'll agree).

Does Brian go 'it's all panto' like Davina used to or has he got his own little spiel? I want to make a comment about Tashie's nose, but you can't help what your nose looks like. Except she had a nose job. Bullying... dodgy nose jobs... it's like Jodie Marsh all over again.

Did Aaron snog Tom to stay in? That didn't get my vote.

Tashie telling us what we'll see in the edit tomorrow. You don't control the edit! You can barely control your own thought pattern.

Where did your 'positive energy' get you tonight, Tashie? A seat next to Nikki Grahame/ Victor/ Pete burns on BOTS.

'I wasn't in the house long enough for you to see all my Disney characters.' That was one close shave.

I hope Tashie watches the whole show back and thinks 'how embarrassing' because it will help her become a more well-rounded person. That was a bit mean saying they didn't give Pammy her number.

it's not romantic for your boyfriend to say 'if you fall in love with someone in the house, I'll be happy for you'. It means he's trying to bin you.

The biggest gain tonight is the hit to Maisy's group of harridans.

LOL they are doing a parting message, like in BBUSA, but in BBUSA the parting message is from the other housemates to the evicted one, saying FU.

Mark will NEVER win this show. NEVER! God, this message is interminable. Next time, just send a postcard to PO Box I-don't-give-a-fuck. Night night!

Big Brother 2011 - I know that from flipping Krispy Kremes

Sorry I'm late, I've been trekking across London tonight. Fuck London, man. I hate you, London. I nearly murdered someone on the tube, I'm so out of practice, my patience-o-meter was at zero. I want Big Brother and kitten times. The outside world is not for me.

Oh, Rebeckah, your cruelty is unbecoming. That hug shows it will be bros before hos all the way, and don't think they wont utter those fateful words at some point.

Mark's lettuce/cucumber/knobbing story is so contrived. It's like he's got them all written on a card along with the dates he's going to scratch them off.

Haha, Rebeckah has got Aden apologising to her! That girl has got some game. 'I'm doing it as much for you'. She's a piece of work! Nice boxer shorts, Aden. He's got the whole package, hasn't he?

Is Aaron cooking up a showmance with Louise? Rebeckah accusing Aaron of 'winding all the girls up'. Hilarious! 'I think Mark's going to win'- shows how out of touch they are.

Rebeckah; working for Samaritans does not make you a counsellor. Samaritans listen. They don't give advice and they definitely don't judge. She scares me. She's a reputational risk!

I'm surprised the other girls aren't judging Rebeckah more. Maybe they are and they're cutting it out. I think Rebeckah might be madder than Bea. Madder than Bea! Who'd have thought it possible?

I thought Carpe Diem might be 'that's life' as well. But my education didn't cost as much as Harry's.

Jay struggling to name is own country's Prime Minister. Doesn't it make you proud?

It's not really that that bad getting gunged when you have a swimming cap and goggles on.

I know who wrote Bleak House. I got that right on Pointless the other day cos I had to read it at school. I can't remember a word of it, but if you forced me at knifepoint, I bet I could remember at least 10 Big Brother contestants name's from each series. What does that tell you?

Tidy up tell-off times. I wish Harry wasn't so grotesque to look at. I'm sure I'd be more forgiving about the animal cruelty. I'm definitely worried that the 'brains' are going to get voted out early and we're going to be left with Heaven, Tashie and Anton braying at each other.

I think Aden is trying to have sex with you, Rebeckah. You're just not letting him.

Jay fancies Louise! I don't think the feeling is mutual. The way Jay talks about women is as if they're subhuman. Mind you, he's not much evolved from Mr Potato Head himself.

I don't get this thing about the beds. But it's been a long day. I'm off to Nod. G'night.

Big Brother 2011 - Is it?

I'm a bit pissed off cos I watched Bit On the Side last night and now I know who's up for nomination. Spoilerised myself good. Won't do that again.

Are they waking up to Fool's Gold? Well, makes a change from The Saturdays.

Look at Louise flossing her teeth. Do you know ANYONE who regularly flosses their teeth? I can barely be fucked to brush mine. But that's English people for you. It's not just me, is it? Shit.

Do you want to look at my knob? No, not really. This conversation is super weird. Is that what men talk about in the showers? Makes me pine for Jedward in the bath.

You can say 'describing words'. And I'm a writer, so that will be the last word on the matter.

Why is Anton so thick when he went to private school? What did he learn there exactly? His mum should ask for her money back. Name and shame the school!

It's weird that the three most irritating people are immune from eviction but good for the show.

Aden 'when I lost my cape Tom wasn't there and it hurt my feelings.' Fucking hell, man. Think about what you just said. What a sad sack.

What DOES Alex do? Doesn't she work in McDonalds? Anton: 'this is not fakeality TV.' Wanna bet? You've been practicing that soundbite since before your auditions, I suspect. Anton nominating the other men. Did he not learn the difference between 'wary' and 'weary' at private school?

Faye looks dowdy today. I've not seen much of her personality yet. I hope she's got one.

Yay to Jay nominating Harry for hunting. Eat what you kill! Eat.Kill. Eat. Kill. Murder! (tm. Moz)

I think I hate the Wolfpack and like Louise and Aaron and that side. Even though I don't really like them, I don't want them to be taken out by the inane side. Support your local underdog.

Mark is getting a couple of nominations. People are seeing through his Mr Bean act a bit. I liked his nomination of Anton for eating a boiled egg, though. His other nomination seemed contrived.

Even though I agreed with Rebeckah's nomination of Harry, the way she did it was so annoying. And how can Aaron make you feel like a piece of shit? Just fuck him off. It's all your shit, Rebeckah, no one else's. She's got more baggage than a handbag museum.

Tashie: 'Harry's comments have made me feel uncomfortable about being a woman.' Christ!

I'm glad Harry got nominated for foxhunting, though, serves him right. But you can't even foxhunt no more! I do think it was a bit of a cop out vote, though. I like Aaron as a character. I don't want him to go. I'm glad Alex isn't up but I wish Anton was up.

Fish finger gate! Tashie is such a drama queen! I wish she'd get a grip. I kind of want her to leave this week, but she is entertaining, so it's a quandary. I'm not sure I can stick her in the long term, though. I'm not really sure what Heaven did to her (nothing, I suspect). I don't think she did anything. I can see why Tashie got bullied at school. You don't have to answer to anyone, you idiot! Stop being such a prick!

Aw, Tom's granddad died. That sucks. I'm glad they didn't show him getting told, that would have been too exploitative. I'm glad they let him speak to his mum and dad, too. What, he can go funeral?! Not sure about that. I don't think that should be allowed, that could change the game completely. He should walk if he wants to do that. Of course, the flexi rules on contact with the outside world leave them wide open to that sort of stuff. In the old days it would have mattered because people could tell him who's favourite. But I suppose, who really cares anymore? It shouldn't be that way, though. Heaven's over the top crying was really ridiculous. It's not your bereavement, love.

Rebeckah: 'you've gone weird' to Aden, she says, going weird. She has no interest in Mark whatsoever, she's just playing him and Aden. It's working a treat, though.

Ha, Tashie actually looked shocked she was up for eviction. How could she look shocked, the way she goes on? LOL to her proper blubbing. She's lucky it's not a vote to evict or she'd be Jedward's toast tower.

Tashie is going to think of it like everyone voted for everyone. Yeah, everyone voted for everyone, but you got more than everyone else. That's how it works.

Tashie can see herself unpacking. Let's make that fantasy die! Yes, the moon is crying for you, Tashie. It's crying because someone like you actually exists. Fucking hell, does she ever put a sock in it?

Rebeckah's antics are so transparent, it's barely worth talking about. My fingers can't be bothered to rise to it!

I always thought I'd like the vote to save, but it's not been good so far. Look, if you can afford it (it's 7p on facebook, ffs, you aint that poor), just vote to save Harry and Aaron, and it's like voting to evict Tashie. I know it's a bit galling having to vote for a foxhunter, but I think if the 'wolfpack' alliance really takes hold, we're in for a hellish summer. Summer! LOL.

Big Brother 2011 - Cuddles denied.

Is Pamela still in there? Anyone know how much she got paid? I wanna know!
Rebeckah needs some therapy. It said on OKTV she's a Samaritan. I'm not sure I'd want her talking me down off the ledge. She is mixed messages and then some.
Too many 'A' names in this house. So they've invented a gang called 'the wolfpack'. That's what Patrick Wolf fans are called. I don't think there are any Patrick Wolf fans in that house. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I can't see the Magic Position playing as they exit stage left across the Big Brother eye. Much less The Childcatcher. But I digress.
This episode has been quite juvenile and boring so far. I don't like the male/female divide in the house, either. 'Maisy gets sarcasm and dry humour' - well, hold the fucking front page! Girls understand fings!
Does Rebeckah's children's dance school 'even things out'? It doesn't even out her psychotic tenancies, does it? I can see the hysterical Daily Mail headline now; 'Big Brother stripper teaches kids to pole dance'.
Also, my mum's boyfriend read my blog again yesterday and complained about the swearing. To (sort of mis)quote Bright Eyes: 'I do not read the reviews. I am not singing for you.' This is my turf! Get off my land if you don't like it, Dave! :)
I'm glad Rebeckah got the swimsuit cos she's an interesting character and if she was up she'd be out faster that you could say girls-are-not-going-to-get-her-one-bit.
Aden was quite miffy-ied about the whole swimsuit carry-on, wasn't he. I suppose you would after you'd been wearing it for two days. I don't think I've ever seen such bad sportsmanship in that house. Normally people are 'I don't want to nominate' or 'I don't mind if I go' but people are clinging onto those swimsuits as if they were tickets to Sugar Hut (!) I think they realise that the odious quotient is super high in that house and when they are up for the chop they are all as likely to go as each other.
Sorry, I haven't written as much of this blog as I'd like because my cat decided to sit on my chest and almost smother me. I swear, he's tripled in size in the past two weeks.
What did I miss? Oh, Pamela is off. She did have a room after all. So they say. They could have knocked that up in a couple of hours.
Anton and Aaron both like BB being nasty. Remember that, Big Brother. Crack down on the pair of them.
Oh, Rebeckah. I want to defend you, but you're making it. very. difficult. She's actually quite cruel. I know what Dan Savage would say. If all your relationships have been a car crash, the one consistent factor in those relationships is YOU, not the other people. Think on, young lady.