Big Brother 2011 - I know that from flipping Krispy Kremes

Sorry I'm late, I've been trekking across London tonight. Fuck London, man. I hate you, London. I nearly murdered someone on the tube, I'm so out of practice, my patience-o-meter was at zero. I want Big Brother and kitten times. The outside world is not for me.

Oh, Rebeckah, your cruelty is unbecoming. That hug shows it will be bros before hos all the way, and don't think they wont utter those fateful words at some point.

Mark's lettuce/cucumber/knobbing story is so contrived. It's like he's got them all written on a card along with the dates he's going to scratch them off.

Haha, Rebeckah has got Aden apologising to her! That girl has got some game. 'I'm doing it as much for you'. She's a piece of work! Nice boxer shorts, Aden. He's got the whole package, hasn't he?

Is Aaron cooking up a showmance with Louise? Rebeckah accusing Aaron of 'winding all the girls up'. Hilarious! 'I think Mark's going to win'- shows how out of touch they are.

Rebeckah; working for Samaritans does not make you a counsellor. Samaritans listen. They don't give advice and they definitely don't judge. She scares me. She's a reputational risk!

I'm surprised the other girls aren't judging Rebeckah more. Maybe they are and they're cutting it out. I think Rebeckah might be madder than Bea. Madder than Bea! Who'd have thought it possible?

I thought Carpe Diem might be 'that's life' as well. But my education didn't cost as much as Harry's.

Jay struggling to name is own country's Prime Minister. Doesn't it make you proud?

It's not really that that bad getting gunged when you have a swimming cap and goggles on.

I know who wrote Bleak House. I got that right on Pointless the other day cos I had to read it at school. I can't remember a word of it, but if you forced me at knifepoint, I bet I could remember at least 10 Big Brother contestants name's from each series. What does that tell you?

Tidy up tell-off times. I wish Harry wasn't so grotesque to look at. I'm sure I'd be more forgiving about the animal cruelty. I'm definitely worried that the 'brains' are going to get voted out early and we're going to be left with Heaven, Tashie and Anton braying at each other.

I think Aden is trying to have sex with you, Rebeckah. You're just not letting him.

Jay fancies Louise! I don't think the feeling is mutual. The way Jay talks about women is as if they're subhuman. Mind you, he's not much evolved from Mr Potato Head himself.

I don't get this thing about the beds. But it's been a long day. I'm off to Nod. G'night.

Big Brother 2011 - Is it?

I'm a bit pissed off cos I watched Bit On the Side last night and now I know who's up for nomination. Spoilerised myself good. Won't do that again.

Are they waking up to Fool's Gold? Well, makes a change from The Saturdays.

Look at Louise flossing her teeth. Do you know ANYONE who regularly flosses their teeth? I can barely be fucked to brush mine. But that's English people for you. It's not just me, is it? Shit.

Do you want to look at my knob? No, not really. This conversation is super weird. Is that what men talk about in the showers? Makes me pine for Jedward in the bath.

You can say 'describing words'. And I'm a writer, so that will be the last word on the matter.

Why is Anton so thick when he went to private school? What did he learn there exactly? His mum should ask for her money back. Name and shame the school!

It's weird that the three most irritating people are immune from eviction but good for the show.

Aden 'when I lost my cape Tom wasn't there and it hurt my feelings.' Fucking hell, man. Think about what you just said. What a sad sack.

What DOES Alex do? Doesn't she work in McDonalds? Anton: 'this is not fakeality TV.' Wanna bet? You've been practicing that soundbite since before your auditions, I suspect. Anton nominating the other men. Did he not learn the difference between 'wary' and 'weary' at private school?

Faye looks dowdy today. I've not seen much of her personality yet. I hope she's got one.

Yay to Jay nominating Harry for hunting. Eat what you kill! Eat.Kill. Eat. Kill. Murder! (tm. Moz)

I think I hate the Wolfpack and like Louise and Aaron and that side. Even though I don't really like them, I don't want them to be taken out by the inane side. Support your local underdog.

Mark is getting a couple of nominations. People are seeing through his Mr Bean act a bit. I liked his nomination of Anton for eating a boiled egg, though. His other nomination seemed contrived.

Even though I agreed with Rebeckah's nomination of Harry, the way she did it was so annoying. And how can Aaron make you feel like a piece of shit? Just fuck him off. It's all your shit, Rebeckah, no one else's. She's got more baggage than a handbag museum.

Tashie: 'Harry's comments have made me feel uncomfortable about being a woman.' Christ!

I'm glad Harry got nominated for foxhunting, though, serves him right. But you can't even foxhunt no more! I do think it was a bit of a cop out vote, though. I like Aaron as a character. I don't want him to go. I'm glad Alex isn't up but I wish Anton was up.

Fish finger gate! Tashie is such a drama queen! I wish she'd get a grip. I kind of want her to leave this week, but she is entertaining, so it's a quandary. I'm not sure I can stick her in the long term, though. I'm not really sure what Heaven did to her (nothing, I suspect). I don't think she did anything. I can see why Tashie got bullied at school. You don't have to answer to anyone, you idiot! Stop being such a prick!

Aw, Tom's granddad died. That sucks. I'm glad they didn't show him getting told, that would have been too exploitative. I'm glad they let him speak to his mum and dad, too. What, he can go funeral?! Not sure about that. I don't think that should be allowed, that could change the game completely. He should walk if he wants to do that. Of course, the flexi rules on contact with the outside world leave them wide open to that sort of stuff. In the old days it would have mattered because people could tell him who's favourite. But I suppose, who really cares anymore? It shouldn't be that way, though. Heaven's over the top crying was really ridiculous. It's not your bereavement, love.

Rebeckah: 'you've gone weird' to Aden, she says, going weird. She has no interest in Mark whatsoever, she's just playing him and Aden. It's working a treat, though.

Ha, Tashie actually looked shocked she was up for eviction. How could she look shocked, the way she goes on? LOL to her proper blubbing. She's lucky it's not a vote to evict or she'd be Jedward's toast tower.

Tashie is going to think of it like everyone voted for everyone. Yeah, everyone voted for everyone, but you got more than everyone else. That's how it works.

Tashie can see herself unpacking. Let's make that fantasy die! Yes, the moon is crying for you, Tashie. It's crying because someone like you actually exists. Fucking hell, does she ever put a sock in it?

Rebeckah's antics are so transparent, it's barely worth talking about. My fingers can't be bothered to rise to it!

I always thought I'd like the vote to save, but it's not been good so far. Look, if you can afford it (it's 7p on facebook, ffs, you aint that poor), just vote to save Harry and Aaron, and it's like voting to evict Tashie. I know it's a bit galling having to vote for a foxhunter, but I think if the 'wolfpack' alliance really takes hold, we're in for a hellish summer. Summer! LOL.

Big Brother 2011 - Cuddles denied.

Is Pamela still in there? Anyone know how much she got paid? I wanna know!
Rebeckah needs some therapy. It said on OKTV she's a Samaritan. I'm not sure I'd want her talking me down off the ledge. She is mixed messages and then some.
Too many 'A' names in this house. So they've invented a gang called 'the wolfpack'. That's what Patrick Wolf fans are called. I don't think there are any Patrick Wolf fans in that house. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I can't see the Magic Position playing as they exit stage left across the Big Brother eye. Much less The Childcatcher. But I digress.
This episode has been quite juvenile and boring so far. I don't like the male/female divide in the house, either. 'Maisy gets sarcasm and dry humour' - well, hold the fucking front page! Girls understand fings!
Does Rebeckah's children's dance school 'even things out'? It doesn't even out her psychotic tenancies, does it? I can see the hysterical Daily Mail headline now; 'Big Brother stripper teaches kids to pole dance'.
Also, my mum's boyfriend read my blog again yesterday and complained about the swearing. To (sort of mis)quote Bright Eyes: 'I do not read the reviews. I am not singing for you.' This is my turf! Get off my land if you don't like it, Dave! :)
I'm glad Rebeckah got the swimsuit cos she's an interesting character and if she was up she'd be out faster that you could say girls-are-not-going-to-get-her-one-bit.
Aden was quite miffy-ied about the whole swimsuit carry-on, wasn't he. I suppose you would after you'd been wearing it for two days. I don't think I've ever seen such bad sportsmanship in that house. Normally people are 'I don't want to nominate' or 'I don't mind if I go' but people are clinging onto those swimsuits as if they were tickets to Sugar Hut (!) I think they realise that the odious quotient is super high in that house and when they are up for the chop they are all as likely to go as each other.
Sorry, I haven't written as much of this blog as I'd like because my cat decided to sit on my chest and almost smother me. I swear, he's tripled in size in the past two weeks.
What did I miss? Oh, Pamela is off. She did have a room after all. So they say. They could have knocked that up in a couple of hours.
Anton and Aaron both like BB being nasty. Remember that, Big Brother. Crack down on the pair of them.
Oh, Rebeckah. I want to defend you, but you're making it. very. difficult. She's actually quite cruel. I know what Dan Savage would say. If all your relationships have been a car crash, the one consistent factor in those relationships is YOU, not the other people. Think on, young lady.

Big Brother 2011 - Tonight we got to get on the floor

Why can't we see inside Pamela's suite? Because she's in a fucking hotel, that's why. And who can blame her? They're a bunch of absolute drongos. The men in particular are bringing new meaning to the word 'gorm'. And the women are all totally deluded. Except maybe Faye and Louise.
Why WOULD you shower with someone else? I don't even like showering on my own. I don't think I've even seen a single person talk to Alex yet.
Louise is really grumpy. This pseudo-feminist conversation is making my teeth itch, to quote Cruella off Dragon's Den.
I saw Pamela on OKTV talking about having appeared on Big Brother India and meeting such intelligent wordly people who'd travelled to so many different countries. Enjoy Elstree!
Tashie, Tashie, Tashie. She's like Makosi meets Shabnam meets Shabaz.
Maisy is like poor little rich girl, me, me, me. It's all about her, and she hasn't got that much to offer, except her horsey charms. She's obviously used to being top dog but in that house, she's not even top frog.
I like the way Pamela is in the house. She seems totally detached from it, like she's from a different planet, which I guess she is.
Tom's body! I mean, normally I like skinny men, but please. He's not only pigeon chested but pigeon-brained. He's like a little weasel.
There are so many different examples of ways to fry your hair with peroxide in that house. It's making me want to dye my hair red as an antidote.
I doubt Aden can even spell 'therapist'. I like Maisy's hair, actually. I don't find her as repulsive as I did the first night, except for her personality, obviously.
I think Anton is putting on that crap in the DR. He's not really like that. He CAN'T be. Can he?
Rebeckah having a go at Aaron for reminding her of her ex. That's like having a go at someone for what they do in a dream. Rebeckah is a psycho, but that makes her interesting. I don't think her opinion of men is going to be improved by the offerings in that house.
This party looks like hell on earth. Maisy is so OTT and entitled. She's worse than Harry, and he kills animals for the lols.
That Jennifer Lopez song is the stupidest thing ever. Bloody catchy, though. My cat loves it.
Rebeckah: 'your version of cheating and mine are very different.' I'm sure! She's literally judge, jury and executioner. What sort of impression does she think she's giving off? Mind you, she did miss his 'banged a lot of Welsh chicks' speech. I wonder what he'll say after he gets his own way with her?
Tom: would you want a bisexual dad? What difference does it make, you don't fuck your dad. His sex life is none of your biz. Tom doesn't 'know himself' TM.
Aaron's parenting class: 'you can't just leave a baby on the side.' My kitten got stuck in the bath yesterday, so I know how he feels.
Eww, Aden touching Rebecca's feet. If he touched my feet, I'd kick him in the face. Oh, the gold shorts, the glasses, the baseball cap. Aden is really bringing sexy back right now. Whatever happens in that bed, it can only end in disaster, misery, and possibly a murder. Bring it!