Big Brother 2011 - Wait until mum sees this

Two blogs on the trot, my laptop is going to cry. Lucky my novel writing has come to a grinding halt lately as I've had some serious techno troubles this week and I could have lost my magnum opus.

I'm looking forward to seeing Anton unravel from all angles tonight.

Showergate! Who DOES shower naked in from of their family? Well, maybe Jedward. Jem is dressed entirely in clothes I own today. Weird.

I think Faye doesn't want Jem to see her naked because she thinks she's out of shape. She's seriously touchy about her body, cos it's all she's got.

Alex is always supporting other people. When does anyone ever support her?

What exactly happened with Louise and Jay? What's the current status? I feel like I'm missing huge chunks of storyline here.

They are pointing out Harry is posh again, in case we've forgotten. They are obviously worried about him becoming a bit too popular. OMG 25 rooms in his house! It shouldn't take that long to count the rooms in your house. Right, it worked, I'm not voting for him. Aw, bootsy baby. Besides, he must still live with his mummy.

As much as I like Aaron it's indicative of the poor quality of housemates that he is winning all the public votes. I HATE it when housemates talk to the cameras, it's the lowest of the low, Big Brother shouldn't show it in my opinion.

Which campus is Jay the big man on? The university of idiots?

Aaron: 'I was a bit of a nincompoop at 19.' LOL. You're now talking to yourself in a garden. Get a grip, man.

Ah, Louise is back in bed with Jay. She must be bored.

I like Alex's pink dress. Aaron and Faye's showmance paid off. My boyfriend noticed that the housemates don't seem to be allowed to get up to hug each other when people get saved. Must be camera angles.

Can't believe Anton wanted to ruin Aden's exit. What a tool. Aden wasn't bothered about going! Lol to the Wolf pack's best bits. I didn't remember Pammy was a member.

Jay: 'he took it like a man'. Aden wasn't getting his limbs blown off in war, ffs. Then Jay started crawling up Aaron's arse. But Aaron still won't bite. Aaron is quite ungracious; be polite like Alex with the gross posh food.

I love the fact Faye and Aaron argue about how to celebrate not being evicted. They are a truly fucked up couple. Tom is right though; Aaron will get so far, but he won't win. It is the Freddie Factor, and it just took Bea to derail that train.

Uh oh, Louise is pissed and saying she fancies Jay again. Jay: 'so why did you say you didn't like us then?' Because SHE WAS SOBER.

Anton, you're not a popular villain. You're an unpopular knob.

I wonder why everyone's getting on? Because Anton and Jay are both on a kiss-ass mission. I like Jem's strawberry hat.

Frosties fight! Imagine finding all those in your pants all week! Aaron is disgusted! People having fun! HEATHENS.

LOl to Alex eating own-brand Frosties out of a shoe. There's one for her best bits. Probably still tasted better than Harry's posh nosh.

Aaron is in shock and awe! Faye's getting involved in the Frosties fight! Dumped again. Aaron is going to get a shock one of these days when his Victor Meldrew runs out of steam and he gets shown the door. And wouldn't it be a turn up for the books if it happened before Anton? Vote wisely this week, housemates.

Big Brother 2011 - Blessed of Brrrrrrrrrrrrrapish

Why is Jay getting cheered? He's a total arsehole. The crowd is full of knobs. If he hears himself getting cheered that will make him even more unbearable. Why is Faye getting cheered, too?

Anton's got his Dustin crown on! Douche.

Anton is plotting. Hopefully he won't be around to make the reign of the wolfpack come true.

Interesting they are pitching it as Aaron vs Anton. It's not quite a two horse race yet.

LOL to Brian flirting with Jem's ridiculously pumped boyfriend.

It took me about seven minutes to work out this game was meant to be Deal or No Deal. I love it when they bust out the kloches. Aden is getting quite a good edit, here. I would have took the phonecall.

Ugh that made me sick to see Jay getting cheered and congratulating himself. Yay, Aaron got the most votes! That's one in the eye for Jay. Aaron's being all humble! They don't normally tell you who got the most votes, interesting.

Why on earth did Aden let Louise cut his hair? Did he not see what she did to Jay? He looks like he's used to posing for mugshots.

Yuck, all that burping is gross. I'm on Aaron's side. I don't burp! Aaron has got the hump because Faye burped at him. My boyfriend is a bit funny about things like that, too, but luckily I don't burp. Aaron is 'scarred by it.' Control freak! Aaron is sooooo prissy.

I am sickened again by Jay getting so roundly cheered! The man is an animal. I can't stand Faye, but I'm glad they said she was safe before him. What's Jem wearing; some sort of hessian hat, a garland and a silver bikini. WTF.

Aaron and Faye are the touchiest couple on the planet! She can't tell when he's joking because he says them with a straight face and she can't hack it. If they're like this after three weeks 'of love' can you imagine what they'd be like after a year? Relationships are supposed to enrich you, ffs.

I might believe Aden was leaving more on Thursday if he wasn't sitting there on Friday night! I remember when John James went crab-eyesing through that very door. Magical moments, they were. Until they put him back in.

I'm so annoyed that Anton is pretending to care that we hate him. He cares a lot. He's just a little boy hiding behind a series of comedy hats. Damn him!

And damn Brian Dowling too, for making me wait an hour to find out what's what. I need to know now!

Love Anton going 'wow' when he realises Aaron and Faye are popular. Aaron shaking his head when Jay did his 'thanks' message was lols. Wolfpack crap. My thoughts exactly.

LOL to Anton surviving. Anton seems grateful for whatever braindead amoeba voted for him. Stop ruining Aden's moment, you prick. Brap! Aden sounds like my cat when he does his telephone noise. My cat makes that noise when he's happy; Aden seem pretty happy, too. Who can blame him?

LOL Anton is crying! I'm fucking thrilled. Are we finally seeing him crack? His friendship with Aden actually seems real. Could this be Anton's turnaround moment? If he does a proper grovel, maybe he could end up winning it. I never thought we would see this moment, when he was begging the crowd to boo him, but he does actually care! I knew it. He'll be cuddling Aaron by the end of the week.

Why DID Aden get such a good reception? Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!

I liked him being embarrassed at seeing himself blubbing. I hate it when people say 'I love you to pieces'. I have a mental image of being in pieces in a bin bag.

I thought Aden came off quite well in the interview. He seemed a lot perkier than in the house. I thought his skinhead looked alright, too, and I liked his interaction with the crowd.

LOL to him being embarrassed at his own rapping. Genuinity indeed! He took that very well. I actually thought he was cute when he went in. And he said Alex FTW. Yay. And a classy message, too.

Rebecca looked like an absolute state, but she looked really happy, like she actually loved him! Weird. What a strange happy ending. I believe in it more than Aaron and Faye, at least they might have some sexual chemistry. Well, for tonight, at least. Lock up your Travelodge!

Big Brother 2011 - Strop over yet? What about now?

What don't you want to hear about your hair in the morning? 'It doesn't look atrocious.' Still, better than 'it does look atrocious', I guess.

Every computer in my house is broken except this one, which is hanging on by a thread. I have to shut it every ten minutes to stop it overheating. If I have to end up writing a BB blog on my phone I'm going to be super miffy-ied.

Jay's in a grump about food again. It's like Groundhog Day. Groundhog Jay.

Anton: 'if my name's not called on Friday I'm leaving.' Not that old trick! Is he doing reverse psychology in the public? What an intelligent man! Evict it! I really miss the vote to evict this year. We were wrong for wanting the vote to save all that time. Vote to evict was amazing.

Could Aaron win it? Could he?

Aw to them buying Alex hair extensions. £30 is extravagant when they've only got £100 to last them a week. We're budgeting in our house at the mo, and I would call that entirely mental. My Avon stuff came today and now we can't even have a drink tomorrow! We had to buy our cats own brand cat food, ffs. Luckily, they eat anything.

I don't think OK magazine would even be interested in Faye and Aaron, they're so dull as a couple. Is it real, or isn't it? Either way, it's boring. I like Aaron, but she just saps me to death. They should have her droning on a loop to get confessions out of child molesters.

Is snap-on hair nice? I hate all hair extensions. Just grow your hair, you lazy buggers. It only takes two years and it doesnt come off in your soup.

LOL to Aden's house meeting. Loving the dramatic music. I wonder if there was one person in that kitchen not thinking 'what a prick.' Uncivil solutions all round, please. Now Anton is sulking in bed like Aaron normally does.

I LOVED Alex and Tom doing the Macarena 28 times. They are so cute together. How do they know all the dance moves? Do some people just come born with that ability to do the Macarena?

Aaron says the stupidest things. But Faye gets upset very easily. Aw, Aaron is cute. Faye can't take a joke and the sister is worse.

Harry is the funniest person in that house, hands down. I'd love a posho to win it. But can it be done? Save Aaron! Boo Jay. And throw things at Anton. Cheers.

Big Brother 2011 - We've grafted all day fighting Yetis

What's all this echoey recapping? Can we just see some new clips, please.

Alex shouldn't admit to Anton that she nominated him. Have you ever heard an intelligent person say 'because obviously I'm intelligent'? Do you think Einstein walked round extolling his own virtues and wearing a 'Wasn't Me' cap?

Bad atmosphere in that house today. The reason Anton's gone mad is because he's lost control and he's lost it badly. I still don't think he'll go, though. I think it'll be Aden.

Snow theme! What's up with Alex? I don't like things that are 'character building.' My character's built.

Aaron's got mirrors on his ceiling. Is that for wanking? He likes the work ethic of what Disney princess? The way Faye goes 'are you kinky?' is like 'have you got herpes?' No, I just like missionary position only Faye, once a week for the rest of our miserable life! Happy now, dear?

Jay was pretty close on the skiing task! Hehe. BB could be bullshitting about him being under time for all we know. I hope so.

Aaron: 'I bought into the concept of us.' Smooth.

Anton: 'Aaron's just a natural dickhead.' That's rich coming from him! I'm glad Louise stood up to him. I think Anton might stab someone soon. Hope it's Jay.

Beware the yellow snow. Ugh they made her eat cow urine? Surely that's against health and safety? She didn't look too pleased about that. Not sure why she tried it again, though.

I don't really like this task, or any elaborate task like this. I prefer the ones where they pull their personalities to bits, or when they just leave things to happen organically. But they never do that anymore.

I sleep with my contacts in, unlike that willyhole Aden. They just stick to my eyes after. Hardcore!

Who's in the Yeti suit? I reckon Holy Moly dude off BOTS. Brrrrrrrrap!

WTF is up with Anton? I think he's going to start clucking like a chicken in a minute. Spiteful little shit. He did well on that task, though, it looked hard.

Is it me or does Jay look quite sexy when they flash up that photo of him? Weird.

Oh god, not more shopping list gripes. Boring! Jay, you've not 'grafted all day fighting yetis', you went on a ski machine for half an hour.

Aaron: 'well done for climbing Ben Nevis but once again you've made a bit of an idiot of yourself.' True, dat. DOES good beat evil every time? Freddy Krueger says otherwise.

My boyfriend just came up with a title for my blog 'ava-lunch'. Too late!

Big Brother 2011 - Wolf pack (your bags)

Guillemots wake up call! I love Guillemots. Makes a nice change from David Guetta. Oh, God, Louise realised she doesn't connect with Jay whatsoever. She is leading him down the garden path a bit then, and she needs to tell him right now, as it's a bit unfair. This Guillemots song is called 'I don't feel amazing now.' Apt.

I've also never seen her with mascara down her face. Reassuring for us mortals. Look at Jay's boxers! I can see Peter Stringfellow in those babies.

I don't think she should get into bed with someone who she just wants to be friends with. Break it to him, and see if he jumps on Jem. I wouldn't be surprised.

Oh, she's actually telling him. That's brave. Not sure he's listening. 'There's no chemistry but I like snogging you.' Mixed messages.

I like Tom's emaciated little body. Is that wrong? Aaron is stirring the pot. Ulterior motive!

I haven't found out the nominations this week. I'm surprised they're not letting Jem nominate! I think her nominations might have counted this week.

I don't like this nomination talk, as it advantages Anton's crew. Faye wants to nominate Louise? What's the point?

Is the osmosis effect 'if you hang around with shit, you'll be shit'? That's not what my science teacher told me. No wonder I only got a C in my GCSE.

Pleeeeeeeaaaase let Anton be up this week! Harry's not that stupid, Anton, you transparent fuck. Anton looks like fucking Zippy today. He looks like you could stick your arm up his neck and use him as a puppet.

Anton needling Harry to find out who he voted for. As if Aaron would vote for Harry! You douche, Anton.

Harry is getting away with banana-gate quite well. Tom looks nice today, I like his hair.

OMG I would kill to see Aden vs Anton. Aaron got the nominations pretty much spot on. Anton is such a TOOL!

Aden is so inconsequential now, he's like a little fucking bug crawling around with a hat on, giggling at Anton's sexism.

Aaron and Harry's patronising Alex corner. She's having none of it.

I'll be very interested to see this eviction. I think people will vote to save Aaron and some meatheads will vote to save Jay. Aden, Anton and Faye are all vulnerable, I think.

If people are booing Jay he'll walk straight out! Bold words. I'm almost tempted to go down there and boo myself.

Anton is sweating about this eviction and I like it. Aaron forgave Faye quickly for nomming him. Harry's clothes are a treat. My boyfriend said he's wearing Ben Duncan's cast-offs. i actually know someone who wears clothes like that in real life, my friend's FIANCE (not yours, Lopez).

Aden, at least Louise told you she nominated you. I wouldn't even waste a vote on you, you're so pointless. He's like those see no evil monkeys, except he's 'speak more bullshit' monkey.

Anton's stirring! Anton is so out of touch with Harry's real feelings it's untrue; even Louise can see through it. Anton is 100% the biggest buffoon to ever walk through those doors.

Aden, you pathetic little weasel, just go and get your heart trampled on by Rebeckah and STFU. I'm sick of the sight of you.

We think Alex can win it. What do you think?

Big Brother 2011 - can you hear me, honeybunch?

I think Louise is just getting caught up in the moment with Jay, but I don't think she really likes him. Mind you, I've been 'persuaded' to like someone before in my time.
Just as Aaron is feeling the 'trust', Big Brother are going to do something really nasty tonight. Mind you, it serves Faye right, she should never have nominated Aaron.
The prizes on that board look good. 'I hope I get the gym session' - wtf! People who are happy about going to the gym are sadistic cunts.
Aden - 'I want a date with Rebeckah'. Really?!
LOL to Jay getting a bunch of bananas, very apt.
OK so Faye hit nominations, so it wasn't really a set up. God, she's such a whinging old bag. Take that woolly hat off, you prat.
Harry won the phone call home on the Deal or No Deal phone. We've seen the crockery ban on BBUSA. They recycle all those ideas! This is quite a good task, though. Decent prizes. They should wheel this out again.
WTF Aden should not be allowed to WRITE in the Big Brother house! Kick him out.
LOL to Jem taking Jay to the gym. Faye took it well, didn't she? How can Aaron find that behaviour attractive? She is odious. She's sulking like a five-year-old who's dropped her lolly.
LOL to Jem slating Faye when she's in the same room! Love it.
Jem: 'if you're up for nomination this week you can go to a gym, can't you?' Brilliant, she just assumes her sister will be evicted.
I wish Faye would go and kill herself, as promised. I thought she wasn't going to watch them train. Their working out is the stupidest thing ever. I like Jay smoking and training. This Big Brother is funny for all the wrong reasons tonight.
WHY does Aaron like Faye? Why, why, why?
We were taking bets on whether Harry would call him mum 'mummy' and he did. AMAZING! I love posh people! Mummy! How could you do it on TV?! They think that's normal!
Oh Jay, you're so romantic. Can't wait to lick your bumhole. Louise's body makes me feel decidedly... wobbly in comparison.
Rebeckah's hair extensions! Mank. I like her bleach job, though. Aden's face when Rebeckah said 'I love you'. Class. Don't worry, Rebeckah Aden is not going to get with another girl because everyone else thinks he's an immature little chimp.
Rebeckah shouldn't be allowed to stir shit about Anton again! Does Tom even like Rebeckah? I think he hates her guts! Bring Rebeckah back in, she's magic as a housemate. I liked Tom with his little dungarees.
At least Faye knows Aaron didn't nominate her now. I love watching them squirm when they show the nominations. Anton was doing mega crab eyes. He actually looked surprised that someone nominated him.
Aaron didn't seem to react to her nominating him. But I think he's going to sit on it and make her suffer. I can see his downward spiral getting it's freak on.
Faye got a LOT of nominations. So now her and Jem are thick as thieves again? Fucking hell, she flip flops more than Nemo trying to get back to the ocean.
How the fuck can Faye sit there and moan about Harry when SHE NOMINATED AARON? She is the biggest hypocrite on the planet. What about what YOU DID, Faye?
Harry and Aaron doing veiled noms chat again! Are they ever gonna get a tell off for that?
I think Big Brother is a bit naughty trying to force Jay and Louise to have sex, especially as she doesn't want to.
Aaron's body language when Faye tried to give him a hug was very telling. All she goes on about is 'me'- 'I feel weird... this has ruined my night.' Can you IMAGINE if Aaron had nominated her? Just imagine it for a minute. Not pretty, is it?
Why doesn't she stop and think about WHY people nominated her. Why doesn't she listen to the reasons?
Are we going to have more lizard tongues now? This flatulence talk is soooo sexy. I HATE silk sheets. We got silky sheets once and they were gross, cold and shiny and I used to slide into to bedside table all the time and knock my glass of water over.
My boyfriend just said 'how long before Jem puts Faye up?'
Spoonies! Talk about doing BB's dirty work for them.

Big Brother 2011 - Toothbrush talk

Recap, recap, recap, it's worse than Watchdog.
'The gag reflex of a trouper' - has she got a medal for that? Hmm, my netbook just died. Now I'm on my laptop that cuts out every 15 minutes. This should be fun. I also have a computer with a bust monitor. Technology isn't on my side this weekend.
Can't believe they coined Alex a 'floater', apparently that term was coined in BBUSA by Rachel. So someone's been watching that.
Aaron ignoring Jay is getting ridiculous now.
I didn't like Jem alluding to Aaron being like a dick in the diary room. That is basically talking about the outside world. Now Faye is giving him a grilling! So unfair. Then she goes on about him 'being a gentleman' in bed, and then goes 'let's not talk about it!' You started it, you arsehole! God, I hate the way she operates.
I wouldn't like Jem coming in and grilling me. She shouldn't make comments about Aaron being a 'player' because theoretically she shouldn't know that. Only she could make 'I'm really looking forward to getting to know you' sound like a threat. Who the fuck does she think she is? She's got about as much warmth as a stalagmite.
Push the button! Don't push the button. The way Faye and Jem talk to each other is almost as appalling as the music they keep playing in the house. Now I understand why they put Jem in; not as a treat, but to drive Faye mad.
Harry's dancing is wicked. I love watching people dance badly.
Liked Anton not falling for Faye's 'joke'. I thought jokes were meant to be funny. If I found out my sister had been grilling my 'boyfriend', I'd be pissed off.
I think I need a translator for Jay tonight, he's talking complete gibberish. Fucking hell, have we got Australians doing the Big Brother voice now? This country really has gone to the dogs! (Just kidding, Angela.)
So did Louise sack Jay off yet, or not? If not, when?
Christ, do we have to hear about Jem's dreams now? Spare me. She sees Aaron as a nocturnal animal in his hole! Lol. Faye and Aaron are in their honeymoon period? If I paid for that honeymoon, I'd be asking for my money back.
Louise, stop being so weak willed! Tell him he's coming on too strong.
Dammit I thought Jem was going to nominate Jay, not befriend him! Yeah, they are similar; big-headed, boneheaded oiks. I hope Jem doesn't nominate Aaron.

Big Brother 2011 - No, you have the Bounty

Can't believe I missed the reptile tongue kissing in my blog yesterday. That was unreal. Do people really kiss like that? Why? Sometimes I miss crucial things cos I'm too busy tip-tapping at my keys!

Aaron is really good at giving people the cold shoulder for ages. I'm rubbish at that! I forgive people quite easily. It's too much of an effort to blank someone.

Louise is not happy with the 'love nest' which might as well be called 'the fuck shack'. Jay has come on too strong and it might be his undoing. Farting in bed is not exactly a winner; I try to hold it in at least until the first 'I love you' has been said.

Anton 'can the public not see he's not liked in the house?' We don't really give a fuck about what you like or don't like. It's who WE LIKE, we decide.

Liked Tom and Alex's Christmas/ Celebrations chat: 'you have the Bounty.' Quite! Alex is coming off very well in this episode.

Well done to Louise for sticking up for Aaron. Anton and Jay pouring poison in her ear!

LOL to Louise not really fancying Jay! Hilarious. Serves him right. Maybe she's onto him a bit. She definitely seems to be distancing herself from the wolfpack.

Jay actually came off better in that garden discussion. Aaron is behaving like a petulant child. Jay was being quite reasonable with him, I thought.

This sister twist can only go one of two ways: either Faye and her sister will team up and busy some balls together, or Jem will drive Faye mad and send her running into the arms of Aaron. They will never be a threesome i.e. working together, I just don't see it.

I could enjoy this sister task! I think they do actually hate each other - lol. I don't want to end up feeling sorry for Faye, though.

Faye's sister has all the charm of Katie Price. I love her coming in and telling Faye off for smoking. Faye should just go 'fuck off'. She's a grown woman, she can do whatever she likes.

Love Alex and Tom trying to guess Jem's age! They were quite generous.

Aaron and Faye hiding from her sister was funny. That sister is a NIGHTMARE!

Aaron is pushing Aden hard here. That situation could go either way, too.

Look at the way Jem is sitting in the DR chair! I've never seen anyone sit in the chair quite like that - completely dominant. She gonna stir some shit up good - now we just have to see which way the wind blows.

Big Brother 2011 - You're his little bitch

One new housemate? Well excuse me if I don't die of excitement. I think we could do with another three, tbh. Anton is sitting round in his dressing gown! Wish they'd evict him like that.

Can't believe Louise and Jay are snogging first thing in the morning. Why are they always so touchy about having sex in the house? I want people who WILL have sex! They're at it like rabbits on the European versions. it's much more cosmopolitan.

Why is Louise announcing that she's snogged Jay and 'she doesn't feel bad'? Why should she feel bad! Honestly, what sort of uptight judge-others society do we live in? OMG that was HILARIOUS that they cut her soppy talk with him SHAVING HIS BUTTHOLE in the Big Brother house. Not in the toilet, but in full public view. Talk about an exhibitionist. I mean, is he likely to get rimmed in the house (not with Louise's prudish attitude towards snogging!)? And why has he got a sock on his knob, is it so his mum and dad can enjoy watching this? Honestly, it's at times like this I have to seriously consider what I'm doing with my life. Jay smells like a real man. Is that of football and beer? OMG I pity the poor camera man in that run. And then he has the audacity to say GO AWAY! He is only DOING it for the attention! Doesn't it HURT to shave your bumhole? If i get Nair in the wrong area, it hurts like fuckery. Surely a razor where the sun don't shine must be painful? I swear, it's a health and safety issue. Mario would be going garrity if he was in that house.

Faye: 'I want you to see the fun side of Faye'. Bit late, now, you dreary div.

Maisy must have been gutted about Faye doing a pre-eviction night snog in a desperate bid to stay in. Let's not forget she nominated Aaron AND didn't speak to him for a whole day.

OMG is Jay seriously clippering Aaron's hair with his ARSE RAZOR? I need a bag to be sick in. The haircut actually looked quite good, amazingly. I guess that's Jay's 'precision' practice for you.

Looks like Harry is going to regret ordering that food colouring. Jay, Aden and Anton are like an inner circle (more butt talk) of twattery. Somehow their prank seems a lot more mean-spirited than Harry's which was just a schoolboy jape.

Did Anton just swear on his mother's life it wasn't him, because it partly was. Aaron is taking it well, as usual, he looks like someone's died. LOL, Anton is stitching Jay up. Anton is a snake! Rebecca was right.

This might have saved Harry from getting put up next week. Aden is seething! He did come off a bit badly there, but it WAS his idea in the first place. Harry has got his just desserts (in a way). But it still seems meaner.

Jay, you lying knob. Banana revenge! LOL to Harry 'you're a liar, you're a fucking dickhead': he's quite bold saying that to Jay. I kind of like Harry when he's angry. It's a bit sexy when a posh person says 'fuck off' for some reason.

Why is Maisy getting booed? What has she done wrong exactly, except be nothingy and well turned out?

Jay fingering Anton! Good. Anton is wrong to swear on his mums life. I like the way Harry shouts and is then a bit sorry afterwards. It wasn't actually Anton's idea, it was Aden's idea.

Harry is disappointed with Anton! Boarding school buddies. Louise 'let's just stay out of it' - yeah, let's not have an opinion, let's just sit here and look pretty. Harry is taking down the supposed 'kids from the street'. Aden was OWNED. He went from Rebecca's little bitch to Jay's little bitch.

LOL to 'if he doesn't like ketchup why did he order 20 bottles?'

Oh God, Aaron's latest DR martyrdom sesh. What's that jumper Aaron has on? He looks like a admittedly handsome geography teacher.

Aden: 'I don't want to come across as slimy.' Harry: 'Just don't come across as a numpty.'

Jay making a little sex palace for Louise is gross. No one wants to emulate Michelle Bass. Not even Michelle Bass.

Jay's passion pit! LOL. I saw them play the Wireless Festival a while back.

Yuck, I like it better when people snog in the dark. Anton: '5 million people are watching'. Yeah, in 2005. It's barely breaking the million mark this series without the live feed.

LOL to Maisy's face when she got booed. Shocker! So Maisy got evicted. That's interesting when Faye has NO redeeming features. Plus I voted to save Maisy 6 times on FB. Louise has got that stupid fucking hat on again.

Hmm, and they're putting someone in who knows Faye? FIIIIIIIIIIX!

I'm pissed off they're putting her sister in. Actually, it would have been better if she'd left and they'd put her sister in.

Louise must be pleased Maisy's going. No more looking at her. I don't like Maisy's outfit tonight. her hair and make up look good, though.

That breakfast biscuit in the ad break is PURE EVIL. EVIL.

Maisy looked genuinely shocked at some of the nominations. Maisy you weren't a 'nice friend' to Faye, you were always rubbing it in her face that you tongued Aaron first. I'm glad Brian had a dig about that, too. I think Brian is wrong, though, Maisy made the first move on Aaron.

Anton is so 'ungenuine'. Yes, he's disingenuous.

I'm glad that Maisy is comfortable in her own skin. That should be applauded. Her voice is super bugging, though.

So for the twist. Replacement housemate roulette! I can tell this is Faye's sister because she has the same Gary Barlow's Dignitas advert accent. Oh, well, if she's going to have a go at Jay I'm all for it.

Faye's sister is 25? She looks about 40. Good camera angle at the top of the stairs there. I don't want Faye to have back up, really. Plus she's got info. Plus I don't believe her when she says she's going to shake things up, Faye's shaken nothing up, and she promised big.

Jen: 'are you angry?' Faye: 'why would I be angry?' Is it because she's stealing your thunder? I don't like Jen already! Hard faced. Booo! Put Rebeckah back in! I miss struggling to spell her name.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm going to kick the life out of every fucking banana

Bothered about Mark! He's done. Next. I seen him on BOTS and OKTV and he was acting like the imbecile he is. Fake, fake, fake. Fuck off. They should play 'I Know It's Over' over all this crying, it's jokes! His parting speech was bullshit, also.

WTF he didn't even pack his own bag? Who does he think he is, Jackie Stallone? He was there all yesterday evening.

Oh Maisy, like hell you don't think it matters about you now. The only thing you care about is you. Harry: voice of reason. COULD Harry win this? Even with the fox hunting under his belt?

Jay: a dream hero/ thug. How romantic.

Faye: 'I'm this sort of person/ I'm that sort of person.' No, you're NOT that sort of person. You'll find out what sort of person you are tomorrow... booooooo!

Why are the men always doing the shopping list (sexist)? 'You'll get what you're given': that's probably what Jay says just before you have sex with him.

Jay: 'I like a good roll about.' No kidding. Louise: 'If you're with someone you'll do anything'. Like what? What is she referring to? I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Ugh, Aden and Anton simultaneously glugging juice from the carton. Anton: 'I'm here to be the cleverest person who's ever played the game.' You're less clever than fucking Dale, who was a shaved chimp, or Bonnie, who couldn't even pronounce her own name.

What's with Harry and the bananas? Is he trying to get nominated?! He's going to get fucking lynched.

God, I hate Aden. He's just so pathetic in every way. Try hard dullard, baby, he doesn't know himself.

I actually feel nervous for Harry right now. I don't think he realises what people can be like. Especially about food. This is pure boarding school behaviour! Harry's gone all red in the face with excitement.

OMG imagine if he hadn't got the tobacco as well. There'd be a fucking murder. I've not seen so many bananas in the Big Brother house since Jedward trollydashed round Lidl.

Uh, oh Jay is unravelling. I can't STAND aggressive men. I can't stand men who throw things or hit things, because the next thing they throw or hit is YOU! Give him a warning!

Notice Anton instigating! He knows this is bad news for Harry and he's going to milk it for all it's worth. I could live on chocolate and bananas very easily. That would be a healthy improvement on my diet.

Jay is going to 'kick the life out of every fucking banana'. Are you going to tell him, or am I? Oh, he really fucked those bananas up good. Proper hard man, he is. I thought apes liked bananas?

Now Maisy is upset that they didn't get alcohol. They're going to get even more pissed if they have alcohol on empty stomachs.

Jay's getting seriously mad. Is he going to shit in the freezer again (which they never showed?) Fuck Jay, I'm really starting to hate him. Why haven't we seen him getting told off for being aggressive? Jokey non-racism is bad, but throwing things is OK?

LOL to the green butter and the blue milk. I think the food colouring was the final tyrannical touch. At least Harry can make them milkshakes. It's not even Frosties they got. It's Frosted Flakes! Own brand anger.

Jay is an aggressive cunt. I can't stand him now. I would personally be scared if someone was punching the shit out of an inanimate object in there, I don't find that acceptable at all, it's threatening. You can say 'oh he's getting his anger out' but I don't want to be anywhere near someone who can contain that much anger. No thanks. Honestly, just give him a club and a caveman outfit and be done with it.

Faye seems to think that's OK. It isn't. Louise thinks it's sexy. Yeah, it's so sexy until you end up with a broken nose or in the morgue as another statistic. Interesting she said he's making her nervous. Satiate his need! Geordie caveman cannot survive without food or fucking!

Jay's happy now he's got a beer in his hand, now. Aaron must not believe his eyes that Louise is so besotted with Jay. I'm totally perplexed by it, but my only conclusion has to be, she's thick as shit. Shame, as I like her.

Jay looks like he's wearing a dress. All that snogging and moaning under the covers is gross! This is Britain! Show some decorum. Nah, not really, go for it, why not? 'It felt natural so i'm going to do it.' says Louise. Faye: take notes.

Big Brother 2011 - Doll (de)parts

'What's meant to be is meant to be.' Almost as duff as 'it is what it is'.

Mark seems quite a tragic figure, really. So why is he really leaving? Was it that he couldn't keep up the act? Perhaps he'd run out of material. It's a shame in a way that we never got to see the 'real' him, but I have an inkling if he'd done the full stretch, we would still never have seen it. Maybe he's just as shallow as Maisy. But him walking says otherwise. Something was going on up there, but who knows what?

I guess the toy factory task is better than doing nothing. Maisy pronounced 'reject bin' as weirdly as Jeremy Kyle pronounces 'lie detector'-with the emphasis in exactly the wrong place.

On Digital Spy today someone said they wanted to 'give their TV screen a good wipe after Jay had been on it' which tickled me. It will never be clean!

The task 'twist' is quite funny. Who will twig first? Let's be honest, probably none of them. Tom's little face as he was stuffing those bears; pure determination.

Why has Jay been given a pen and paper? Besides, I thought he was illiterate. He'll probably try to eat it or fuck it.

Doll part fight! They should play Hole over that montage.

Ad break. I have NEVER watched an episode of Friends and NEVER WILL! Everyone in it is insufferable! And yes, I say that watching Big Brother. I'm bold!

Who made Jay the boss anyway? And put Aden and Anton as his henchmen? Aaron is taking his frustrations out on the dolls. Aden bossing Aaron about was pathetic. I liked Aaron just ignoring him. What's up with Aden? You don't call your workforce 'a fucking wanker' or' a prick'. I still have almost no idea what's going on, another dodgy edit tonight.

'Jack, ace, king, queen, no, no, no, no, no, no,no...' as Morrissey once sang. Followed atrociously by 'aces doing time... jack's are doing fine' by Placebo. I can't think of any more playing card related songs, can you?

Lol to Aaron's 'I think this is about the promotion' when they got called to the office for tell off times. 'Blues brothers' was also pretty funny. I like Harry more every day. Mind you, compared to that house full of tossers, I'd like pretty much anyone. The house needs a serious overhaul as all these conflicting personalities worked well at first, but have basically now run out of steam. Did Jay just say 'disobedience'? That's a long word for a very thick man.

Is Mark leaving because of 'the cameras'? I think he must be dying for a wank. I think 'end of my sell by date' is right, he's phrased it correctly. I think I would have stuck it out in the hope of the 100K. How many times in life are you going to have a one in 12 or less chance of winning that cash?

Anton will be THRILLED that Mark is leaving. I think he knows he's quite popular.

Mark: 'I don't want to be filmed no more.' Everyone: 'what are you on about?' as if that's an alien concept. I know how Mark feels when you feel like your time somewhere is done. He can't even sneak off without saying goodbye, like I do on most nights out. I'd hate everyone going on at me to stay. Once you know you've got to go, you've got to go. I felt like that on a cruise ship on the River Nile once, and called my mum who got me on a plane home the next day (she had cash in those days, ! wonder where it all went!). Sometimes, you'd just got to go. I understand completely.

Tom looked genuinely upset and Aaron did his introverted sit-in-a-corner schtick. Mark: 'it's not you, it's the cameras.' Even Jay is crying! The producers must be quite worried. If the clown leaves the party, what are you left with? It's going to be like a wake. Even when someone they hate goes they get sad.

Aw, Tom and Alex crying in the loo was so cute. Their friendship is so lush. And Aden giving Jay a cuddle! Really sweet.

What? Mark 'can't not be the centre of attention'?! That really is sad. It's nice that everyone is so upset and loves him so much. He has to leave now just to save face! I get the feeling once he makes up his mind, that's it.

Wow, emotions are running high in that house! I hope Mark gets what he wants, whatever it is. And I hope we get what we want: new housemates (and live feed *said in very fast voice to indicate small print*)

Big Brother 2011 - Discrimination station nominations!

I've managed to avoid the nomination results, somehow (well, easily, because no one's watching it). Hate seems quite evenly spread so who knows who would be up this week.

LOL to Mark getting sick of his own act. if he's sick of it, how does he think we feel? Note, anyone self proclaimed 'odd/ weird/ crazy' is normally the most boring motherfucker on the planet. The maddest person I know thinks she's perfectly normal. And she has Fred and Rose tattooed on her toes (she doesn't watch BB so I should get away with this - besides, she's lush).

This Guillemots song has been going through my head all day, and I want to dedicate it to Faye:

'And to those of you who moan your lives through one day to the next, well let them take you next/ can't you live and be thankful you're here, cos it could be you tomorrow next year..' Listen and learn from Fyfe Dangerfield, young lady.

Wow, that was interesting seeing Jay let rip at Aaron (well, behind his back). He's right about Aaron, though. Why is Mark talking through his fingers? Oh, for God's sake, Aaron, Jay didn't mean anything by it. People say fucking stupid things sometimes, but you can normally seperate the race hate from the boneheadedness, unless you DELIBERATELY don't want to. Not that I'm suggesting that (much!) I'm starting to think Faye and Aaron deserve each other, it's like one giant sulking competition. Which Aaron is winning.

Mark, people can still tell you're talking, and people can still hear you. Stop attention seeking. Aaron, you can only win this thing if you get a grip and pull yourself together, you're being a complete freakshow. Remember when he came in the house, all cock of the walk? Look at him now - he's gibbering.

How come they aren't confined to a smoking area this year? Mega bad buzz in the house today. Aaron is going to be SO up for nomination today. 'I can't even LOOK at them at the moment.' It's not the first time I've heard him come out with that melodramatic claptrap. Fucking hell, Aaron, at my writing group alone we've got black people, foreign people (I know, it's London, mad innit), people in wheelchairs, drunks, nutters, psychopaths. If I took offence on behalf of all that lot every day I'd be hospitalised. I hear more offensive things than that in my mother's living room.

Glad Harry nominated Faye. Kick her aht! All female nominations. I guess Harry's not used to being around women.

Fucking hell man, my cat Towie keeps switching my lamp off and on and he's driving me NUTS! Let me enjoy these nominations! Why is Maisy putting talc in her hair. I like her hair. Maybe I should try it.

Aden, you immature little boy. You got a LOT to learn! Yay, Faye's racking up a few votes. LOL she nominated Aaron. Hilarious. 'I really like you' - not much. Faye vs Aaron eviction? I'd pay to see it.

Yay more votes for Faye for her drink dramas. Get her up. Interested Jay didn't nominate Aaron but nominated Mark for 'licking crotch'. Pecking order nominations!

Louise nominates Maisy again for 'watching her'. Yes, more Faye noms! I thought they all loved Faye! They don't, they're just appeasing her grumpy old guts and now it's time to take revenge.

[Aaron going on about] this joke isn't funny anymore! Tom and Alex are flying RIGHT under that radar this week.

Faye overthinks things? Never. LOL Faye's almost got a full house this week. I'm thrilled. I think it will do Faye good to come out and 'know herself' and how she comes across to others.

Anton nominated Maisy? I guess that birthday kiss never happened then. Shocker!

Faye and Maisy up! Wish it wasn't two girls, to be honest. And will Faye even go over Maisy? Maisy is quite odious and completely shallow. I mean, what have we learnt about her in the past few weeks? Fuck all. And the worst part is, they'll ship new women houseguests in, but not men! We need some new male blood, badly!

I like the way Harry and Aaron amuse themselves with Alex, it's quite sweet and reminds me of having older brothers. I don't think for one minute think Alex thinks Willy Wonka is real. She's having them on as much as they're having her on.

Louise: 'I think non-stop, me.' Jay: 'do you normally have one person for cuddles and that?' Is that like a fuck buddy? I can see a solution to this problem. Cuddle each other! Louise: 'do you put mats down when you have a brew?' I love that this is her gold standard of someone with a posh house. Super cute.

Oh, god when Faye and Maisy find out they're up they're going to be even more horrendous than normal. How did Aaron dodge that bullet? Even he's shocked! Aaron, this isn't about you right now. Oh I forgot. Everything is about you, always.

Mark is like a little moping monkey in that bath. Why is Aaron shaking his head? Shouldn't he say 'are you OK?' to Faye?

'If it's my time to go, it's my time to go!' Hilarious, that's a proper BBUSA-ism.

DID Aaron nominate Faye and Maisy? No. He nominated Jay and Anton! Aaron sooo doesn't like it when Tom stands up to him. Why can't everyone just toe the line and run around after him like Mark does, hey?

How does ANTON dodge that bullet every week, too? He's the biggest knob on the planet, the biggest cunt to have EVER walked through those doors, worse than Mario (health and safety, not mole), Vinnie Jones, Sam Pepper, Alex *pow pow pow*, Marco, Anthony Hutton, Charley, Sezar and Tina Malone combined.

I hope Faye goes this week, and I hope she realises that it's not Aaron's fault, it's hers. Yes you snogged someone, so you're a 'hussy'. Who even uses the word 'hussy'? I'm a feminist and I'd rather be called a slag, at least it's honest. But you're not a slag for kissing someone, ffs. In fact, on Channel 5 you're barely a slag if you participate in a spitroast. Just do it with a fucking smile on your face and we won't even mind.

Big Brother 2011 - Unhappy meal

Hello! I'm back from Amsterdam in one piece and won't be going anywhere again for a while, except bed or work.

I quite enjoyed catching up on BB, there were a few funny highlights. Can't believe I missed my chance to use the title 'Heaven sent (home); I'd been sitting on that one for a while. And BOTS played 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now' so good on to them. I enjoyed her fall up the stairs, too.

What else? Faye: should have 'what do people think?' tattooed on her forehead. Louise and Jay: stupidly cute. Louise: 'It was so intelligent the way he phrased things with those sweets with love hearts on'. Yes, Louise, we call them Lovehearts. Also, it's not like you can be THAT creative with Lovehearts. You can't say 'howay, give us a fuck, lass' with them, can you (I'm sure he tried)? If Louise is that easily pleased with a packet of sweets, god knows how she'd react to say, a meal or a holiday.

Anton's birthday: Anton got the Dustin edit (in BBUSA Dustin was made 'king of the house' and then became evicted the same week because the power went to his head and he was insufferable and smug). Are BB trying to do the same to Anton (King Cunt-ute)? Wouldn't have to try too hard, really. Prick is as prick does, after all. I'm hoping people will remember his mean-spiritedness and egotism when they sit in the DR on nom-noms day. The trick they played on him with the single was like Rodrigo meets the Queen minus the charm. I don't think he really bought it; but it's not due to his astronomical IQ. It's due to his shit song. I heard Aden thinks Anton's raps lack finesse.

God, it would be brilliant to go out with Faye, wouldn't it, and have her listing all your faults so early in the morning. She's like some girlfriend your best male friend brings round and says how wonderful she is, whilst she sits there sulking and criticising your wallpaper/ music taste/ sexual boundaries. And believe me, your friend will end up married to that miserable sow. I've seen it happen! And even after 20 years of low level mental abuse and soul erosion, he'll still be trying to convince you (and himself!) that she's got a good sense of humour, or she makes a mean roast dinner. But you've been for her roast dinner. And the chicken was all shrivelled. And she's still criticising him and everything he stands for, as they clear up after their surly, sour-faced kids who look and act and treat him just like her.

So Aaron was married before! I never knew that. I like Aaron. I like his pincers and his faux naivety. I like his tolerance of Faye pick-pick-picking at him. He's emotionally manipulative, but he does it in such a way, you can't really call him out on it or he'll just go 'my son is watching!' and run off for a cry.

This hotdog stuff is quite boring, I wish I'd been writing my blog yesterday instead! I had loads of material, honest.

Aaron virtually telling Harry to nominate Tom and Anton was unsubtle. Oh, Maisy, you liar, you made the move on Aaron. Behave, as your dad saw fit to aeroplane over (allegedly).

I'm not surprised at ALL that Faye likes to be dominated in the bedroom, I bet she just lies there, criticising and complaining. I don't think there's ever been a housemate in Big Brother history who promised so much and delivered so little.

Why is Faye cuddling Anton? A bit of context might be nice. LOL to Jay getting into trouble for racism. He's not having a great day, is he? I'm still waiting for Maisy to have her 'yo, my niggas' moment. Give it time.

This coded conversation is brilliant. Aaron's horror! This film 'White Chicks' sounds like a must-not see. Yet that sort of racism gets made into films! And idiots watch it. Just like Big Brother.

Faye is talking to herself now! What is going on? What is up with Aaron? Is he upset about all the racists in the house? Oh come on, Aaron, it's hardly Romper Stomper, isn't it? Oh, it's the disabled comments he's upset about. No it isn't! It's Faye cuddling Anton, isn't it? Probably doesn't help that he's black, either.

Bad edit, tonight, BB. Should have had less hamburger eating and a bit more context of that row, as I couldn't make head nor tail of it. And remember in the final, a vote for Jay is a vote for WHITE POWER! You racist.

Big Brother 2011 - Wine whines

The houseguests are not respecting those fixtures and fittings! Tom and Maisy moaning about being fat is rather tiresome. Tom is borderline anorexic.

Pet suckers! How did they fall for that one? Faye probably does treat her pets like that, she treats her men worse.

A science lesson with Heaven and Aden. I think she must have said melanin about seventy-five times then. Lol to Harry and Jay trying to order wine gums and Heaven ordering avocado. Hopefully Heaven won't be around to eat the avocado. What sort of person takes chocolate OFF a shopping list? This show has been quite boring so far.

My friend just pointed out that the show might be suffering from a lack of Rebeckah. She's right. There's barely any tension, just pranks and people talking shit.

If in doubt, force drink down their throats. Then they'll have an argument. Maisy, taking something that doesn't belong to her that she doesn't even want? Never.

Louise looks drunk! How many drinks does she have to have before she succumbs to Jay's 'charms'?

God, there's so much tittle-tattle in that house! Anton is chief shit stirrer. How can he say 'it wasn't me' wearing a hat that said 'wasn't me'. Faye feels victimised. I wish someone would really give her something to moan about. Also, what's she wearing, a leotard and harem pants? Also, why is Faye all chummy with Maisy? Maisy has a boyfriend yet snogged the man Faye fancied, just for a laugh.

Don't be shady over a bit of wine! Faye's sitting in the corner crying. It's not exactly Fight Night is it? Jay would never leave a man behind on the Big Brother battlefield.

Harry to Mark: 'your advice is somewhat unorthodox at times.' Brilliant.

Don't refer to yourself as a 'bird', Louise, it's self-hating.

Faye: 'I'm the most [insert word here] person in the house.' Why have you got a love bit on your neck? How does Faye get away with the way she acts towards everyone? She sucks the oxygen out of a room.

Sorry this blog is shit, but blame C5. Right, I'm off to Amsterdam. Save Aaron and see you Monday.

Big Brother 2011 - Nice one, dickhead

Sad song on the wakey-upey montage today, serious times. Let's all bow our heads.

Does Alex SERIOUSLY think that's a real gorilla? It's made of fucking acrylic! It's just that dude off those Cadburys adverts dullards like. They've spent a few quid on that cage, why not stick Mark in there?

Also it would be extremely cruel to have a real gorilla in there. They had to take the chickens away after the first year because they couldn't look after them - they couldn't even be trusted with a pot plant. What is 'the end game' they're going on about?

I wonder why Aaron thinks Faye doesn't fancy him when she says things like 'if you do that again I'll elbow you in the face.' Passive aggressive, much?

Phil Collins! They're trying to subliminally sell us Cadburys. This gorilla shit is boring. Should have got a Zingbot instead.

Maisy doesn't give head? That's a sure fire way to make your boyfriend go fuck a prostitute. Plus, how selfish. I like that toothy bitch less every day *sexist*. Oh Anton, you desperate little child. Louise isn't 'wild in bed'- she's just normal, and she's never going to fuck you. Ever. Birthday or leap year or five minutes before the nuclear winter.

I like those cuddly monkeys- want one! They're probably trying to sell us them, too. (Where can I get one?)

I'd go fucking nuts if Harry sprayed that garlic on my bed. R-Pattz would go fucking garrity, also. Bed is a sacred place; not to be fucked with. Oh, they're all doing it. Gross!

Why does Aaron look all golden? And more to the point, is he still leaving? Oh no, he's just leading everyone on again.

Louise is sooooo far out of Jay's league it's untrue. Look at his little side parting today. He looks like a right plank.

Willy willy willy! The greatest song ever written on Big Brother, even better than Aden's raps and (Triple) Spiral's ditties.

Harry's getting a bit overexcited! It's all going to end in tears. There's no Carole or Kerry Katona to get them in line. They need a mummy or daddy to point at the rule book and raise an eyebrow. Oh, Heaven's having a go. Why has Harry turned sick? Be aggressive, be-eee aggressive. Heaven didn't do anything that bad. That's the day to kick off anyway, way after nominations, not the day before (take note, Aaron).

Faye is looking increasingly desperate, and I'm starting to think Aaron will get off with anything. His Mr Innocent act is wearing ever thinner. 'You take a chance if you're given it, and you fall in love with anything' as Roddy Woomble once sang.

Why DID Harry snap? I think they must have cut that a bit strangely, as it didn't seem to make sense.

How often is there a naked man standing in the middle of the room as you have a big row? Well, depends where you live, I suppose.

Big Brother 2011 - Martyr-dumb

Anton. Repeat after me: I am not Slick Vic. I am not Slick Vic. Cos you see... you've got no charm.

Oh Jesus, are we going to have to go through kissgate all day today as well? Maisy is quite heartless, she doesn't give a shit about Aaron, just her shoes.

Tom is taking it a bit far, now. You're not his boyfriend! Seriously, relax. Why aren't they playing the alarm to get Aaron out of bed? I bet they never play the alarm anymore. They only need a couple of hour's footage, so they only need them awake a few hours.

Why does Aaron have to say sorry? He's not in a polygamous relationship with Tom and Faye. Maisy looks like she couldn't give a shit if Aaron lived or died. Aaron is not helping himself either, his martyrdom act is getting a bit hammy.

Anton is talking about the tax-free £100K winnings! Don't clear any space in your bank account, mate, because there's more chance of Jay running the country than you getting your hand on that green.

Maisy, don't go into counselling, you're not exactly warm. Bet you Maisy nominates Aaron! Aaron is making himself such an easy target sulking in bed. They WANT to send you home! Stop inviting them to.
OK, I'll confess, Mark has made me laugh two or three times in the past two days. But let's never speak of it again.

If Aaron doesn't pull himself together he is going to get voted out. OMG Aaron called Tom 'a disgusting person.' Harsh! Oh fucking hell, stop going on about going home. Just walk if you feel like that!

This is getting really fucking boring now. Tom, you owe Aaron an apology for saying you were gonna smack him in the face.

Nom noms! I know who's up (thanks, Digital Spy). Good nominations, Alex, voting for Anton and Aden. My thoughts exactly.

Anton voted for Aaron out of JEALOUSY! You got beat. Accept it. Aden voting for Heaven? Shocker!

Faye, what did you have for breakfast? Sour grapes? You nagging old shrew! I pity the man you finally ensnare.

Hmm, I wonder why Maisy doesn't like Louise? Is it because she's stunning? I wonder. Maisy was lucky not to be up this week. I'd like to have seen her shown the door.

Interesting that everyone says Aden's changed. Mark's nominations might as well have been scripted.

Interesting no one nominated Harry! He's well under the radar now. Floaters (don't) grab a life-vest.

All Maisy cares about is being desired, and she doesn't care who she hurts along the way. She's about as sensitive as a Coke can.

I don't know why Aaron is bothering to appease Faye. I'd drown her in the pool if I was in there.

Is ANYTHING ELSE going to happen in this episode? FFS. Can we have a bit of comedy or a task or something? Anything?

Faye: 'I want you to stay, I don't want you to go.' Why did you nominate him then? Also, what is that jumper Aaron is wearing?

That hug between Aaron and Maisy was super uncomfy. They SHOULD have had sex for all the grief it caused!

I thought Aaron was quite cold with Tom at the end. I think he is a bit of a emotional headfucker, like Rebeckah (I wrote it again!) in a way. But still, save him! Let's show Heaven the door this week. Negative energy! I should coco.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm not a bed hopping sex fiend

Oh readers, I was relying on you, and you let me down. Turned my back on you and you voted out Rebeckah. I hope you're enjoying Aden sobbing and doing mournful raps and Heaven with a newly pumped-up ego, talking about herself in the third person. I hope you're proud of yourselves!

I was glad Rebeckah didn't apologise for her behaviour, and her goodbye video was inspired. 'The rest of you pale into insignificance' - brilliant. On the bright side, I don't have to spell 'Rebeckah' like that ever again.

I did make some vague notes about the catch up episodes, but I lost most of them. From yesterday's, the main things were: what'a all the fuss about a man weeing sitting down? If Faye is that icked out by that she must be really fucking boring in bed, as well as being a dull-as-fuck housemate. Same for the wanking competition, clearly just a bit of fun, yet Alex saw fit to call it 'inappropriate'. Inappropriate? In the Big Brother house? It's like a fucking nunnery in there.

The only other thing of note was I wanted to say something about how interchangable all the romances seem. It's like anyone will get off with anyone. I liked the little exchange between Tom and Aaron yesterday; that seemed like where the genuine feelings were to me.

I also want to say: Anton is probably the biggest prick to ever walk through the Big Brother doors. Ever. EVER. Just consider that.

My boyfriend just said they should have thermal imaging in the bedroom so we can see exactly what goes on under the covers. Take note, BB.

I like Aaron, and the way he's just bumbling through this situation. Maisy gave it to him on the plate and he couldn't say no. He doesn't fancy Maisy. He doesn't really like Faye. He used to like Louise!

I don't think Faye even likes Aaron. She just wants something to cling onto. The relationships in that house are last less long than my diet plans.

Everything Faye says I disagree with. She's a dour, fun-hating, narrow-minded bore who only got in because of that body, which she's covered up every day since. Put that nice dress on again or just fuck off, because you're a waste of airtime.

God, what is such a big deal about having a cheeky snog? No one is committed to anyone on that house! it's Big Brother: get naked and run around and snog everyone! What else are you in there for?

Harry: 'that fox in London that ate that child' - is he working for the Daily Mail? *insert picture of angry fox snarling here*

All Anton ever talks about is rating the girls on a sliding scale! He's gross. He's like a 15 year old 'fingers in all the pies, literally'. Intelligent? He's barely sentient. Heaven's crab eyes rolling when Anton dished the dirt about Aaron and Maisy. Classic.

At least Tom was honest that he was jealous not like all that Kerry Katona/ Lucien bullshit. I prefer it straight up.

Loved them ripping Aaron about Maisy's age. Honestly, they've got too much time on their hands in that house. The tiniest of incidents has been blown out of all proportion. Look at them all peeking round the door! Have they never seen anyone have a snog before? Fucking hell, I've got less grief over snogging someone whilst IN a relationship before. If Aaron properly got it on with Tom they'd have to send in the smelling salts.

Maisy has been cleaning her teeth for about three hours so far. It's really not becoming of Maisy to lie about this bullshit. It's a SNOG! Just go 'yeah, I snogged him. I'm single. What of it?' End of discussion.

OMG Faye what rights do you have to Aaron?! NONE! You got out of that bed and said 'spoon Maisy.' You got what you wanted! Who the fuck is she to say shit about his son? Fuck her, man. Fucking bitch. Yeah, you don't know him, you're not his fucking girlfriend so just shut your mouth.

Why is everyone having a go at Aaron and not Maisy? Is she a member of victim club now, too?My boyfriend thinks it's because they're giving them so much booze in the house they've all gone mentals. I think they're just all mentals.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm a 19 year old boy! *blub*

Two blogs in a row? My fingers hurt. I also write all day for my job. No wonder I'm so fat. Mind you, get your money's worth out of me, as there'll be no BB blogs Friday and Saturday. I'm going to a conference (whoop!) so I'm going to miss the Rebeckah/ Heaven eviction! Nooooo. I promise to do a big catch up on Sunday or Mon at the latest, if I'm half dead on Sun, which I might be after lots of smiling and running about. Come on, wait for me. It's not like I'm on death row.

I like Tom's policy on 'barber shop banter'. Anyone who likes talking to their hairdresser or enjoys going to the hairdresser is a freak. I don't blame him for not getting his hair cut off. In BBUSA Muslim heartthrob Kaysar had to shave his head for a task and I didn't fancy him anymore. It ruined the next next few... well days, before he got voted out (again).

I don't blame Faye for not getting that tattoo either. I reckon Jay would have done it, though.

I like Alex and Tom's relationship. Why does Rebeckah talk in such an enunciated way? It's like she's talking to a toddler.

LOL to Alex 'I didn't change my quilt for seven months, but I febreezed it.' Just as good!

Aden has actually got a bit of a problem now, hasn't he, it's gone from cute, puppy love to a bit obsessive. Rebecca is ENJOYING his pain! Man, she is evil.

I know BB wants Rebeckah to stay this week, but killing Heaven via bungee jump isn't on. I've done a lot of stupid things in my time, but you wouldn't catch me doing that fucker, It should be illegal in my opinion. Either way, Heaven gets a good edit out of it.

What is that willy willy willy song they do? I heard them sing a pussy pussy pussy one once so at least they're equal opportunities. Mind you, that's not getting as much airtime.

Ooh Aden is getting foot rub rage. You're NOT HER BOYFRIEND, Aden. You could be a stalker, though. Aden's not letting it get to him. He's all good. Yeah, right.

Aden on Maisy: 'trust me if I wanted to, I could get Maisy.' Not in this lifetime, kiddo. God, he sounds like such a prick when he's talking to Anton. He's like a different person.

I like the evilness of BB threatening to show the nominations. They should have gone for it, that would have been AMAZING TV.

I like Tom's haircut. This envelope is going to have '1' written on it, isn't it? Ah, they passed! Boo.

Aden is being SUCH a muppet. He's REALLY immature. Maisy is crying because Aden said she had a spot. Spotgate! LOL. Get a grip, Maisy. Was that Aden 'putting the moves' on Maisy. yeah she's going to be in bed with him before you know it with chat up lines like that.

Rebeckah is thrilled that Maisy is upset. Ha, Maisy fancies him, says Rebeckah. She can't fucking stand him.

Harry and Jay's clothes swap was quite funny, I would have liked to have seen that in the Diary Room.

How does Maisy get her hair like that? I want her hair. If we had live feed we could unravel this mystery.Is the camera zooming in on Maisy like that so we can see her spots?

She looked like she was going to laugh when Aden started blubbing. Then she looked like she was going to fall asleep. I think she's pissed. I think they're both pissed.

Aden doesn't care about Rebeckah's past? That's big of him. Was she asking for his approval? God, he's making such a dick of himself.

What's got up Faye's nose? I can't STAND her. Talk about flying off the handle for no reason. I like Tom! Aw to Alex counselling him. Fight! Fight! Fight! How much have they had to drink? Heaven is being stupid. OMG Rebeckah you're NOT A COUNSELLOR! STOP SAYING IT! You give Samaritans a bad name.

On an unrelated note, see you at the end of the weekend. Vote to save Rebeckah! Do it on FB, it's only 7p. Miss you.

Big Brother 2011 - I know exactly which cake I'm going for

How's your day been? I started mine by crashing my car. I'd like to say it got better; it didn't. Perhaps BB can cheer me up? This yes/no game looks like it might have potential.

I liked Alex going 'I know exactly which cake I'm going for'. My kinda girl.

Harry's 'I voted for her twice' is one of the best lines in Big Brother this series. The po faces! Can't they take a joke?

Jay has got tattoos on his KNEES! Ouchy.

What is Faye upset about? Is it because she's a boring bastard? Alex's spray tan task was quite funny. I like Alex! I think she'll like being orange. I've seen people look more orange in Heat magazine. I love Harry laughing at it. I like Harry loads these days! If only he wasn't a bloodthirsty toff.

My cat just unplugged the telly. Thanks!

Aaron, I don't think your little boy is going to want a manky old cake you've frozen. Don't get excited about it. Christ, if Jedward were in there you'd have something to complain about. Why aren't BB showing us the instigators? Oh, it was Maisy. Cakegate! I don't think Aaron is accepting this apology. I don't think Maisy could give a shit, to be honest. Why is she groping her own bosoms? There's not much there to speak of. I do like her hair, though. I wonder how she gets it like that.

I love the fact they gave Anton a bright orange electric shock task outfit. What? I hear you ask, they're wheeling out that old electric shock task again? Yes. Yes, they are.

I've realised who Maisy reminds me of. She's just Peaches "spoilt shit" Geldof, isn't she? Like we needed another one!

Oh, I've gone off Harry now he didn't do that task. Cop out! Foxhunting scum. Not risking your reputation? You're on Big Brother, you knob! Punish him!

Why did Rebeckah choose Mark for that task? She should have chosen Harry as it would have been more realistic after he said no. I liked it when she said 'oops' and did an evil cackle. She's brilliantly bad.

Aaron: 'he's in there and he's wearing mainly orange.' Mmm, who could that be? I'd much rather see Aaron get with Louise than Faye.

When is BB going to fix it for Rebeckah to stay? They cannot afford to lose her now! Sort it aht.

Big Brother 2011 - Who's gonna lie when there's a house full of cameras?

Chicks before dicks! OMG I take it all back. I bet in an earlier blog we'd hear 'bros before hos' now I'm hearing chicks before dicks! To all men: I apologise. I've never even HEARD of the phrase 'chicks before dicks'. Sexist in BOTH directions! Genius.

Rebeckah, you DID say Heaven was eating the biscuits. Rebeckah was the FIRST to eat a biscuit. You're taking the mick. Having said that I can't believe we're still talking about biscuits a week later. Is this what my life is for?

Come on, Jay, call Rebeckah out! Come on! 'I can't remember.' What a cop out. She's got them well trained, hasn't she? Rebeckah is lying to Jay's FACE. I respect him for covering for her in a way, but she is a disgrace to put him in that position. OK, I'm fed up with this, now. Next!

The only person putting you in a viscous cycle of bad men is YOURSELF, Rebeckah. I can't stand women who are like 'all men are bastards' or 'I like bad boys'. With that attitude you get everything you deserve, you really do.

She loves Aden, now? Oh come, come. Get a grip. Ah, I've just twigged, it's NOMINATIONS today! No wonder they're doing a quick patch-up job. Bet you a MILLION QUID Heaven and Rebeckah still nominate each other after making up. A million!

Everything's bless, yeah? Yeah. It's all good.

Nom noms! It's so easy for everyone to nominate Heaven and Rebeckah this week. They got a big target on their back! LOL to Aden nominating Tom for having a go at Rebeckah. My hero.

Bad energy in that DR today. They get through these nominations quick, don't they. Anton's noms are so contrived! Contrived, contrived, contrived. Who's more contrived out of Anton and Mark? It's hard to say, they are both acting their little socks off.

Faye is getting on my nerves! I don't like nominating! I don't like this! I don't like that! Piss off, then, dullard.

Maisy is getting a few votes! I've not really seen much of Maisy, so can't get the measure of her. I'm fairly sure she's a dick, though.

Heaven didn't nominate Rebeckah! You got played, m'dear. Jay isn't the instigator, there. Nice work, Rebeckah.

OMG Maisy is nearly up! Yay, I'd like to see Maisy go. I don't want Heaven or Rebeckah to go now, really. Not this week.

Bless Jay, he's quite an innocent thing, really. Maisy's nominations completely at odds with the rest of the house, I love it.

Rebeckah nominating Jay for 'causing trouble'. Hilarious. Oh, Rebeckah, please watch the tapes when you get out and realise why you got the worst booing in Big Brother history, because it's going to happen. You need to take a good hard look at yourself, and get some therapy fast.

Ha, Rebeckah is no fool, she still nominated Heaven. Perfect!

Heaven vs Rebeckah! This is going to be a good one. Aaron received NO nominations this week? He turned that round pretty well. Anton received no nominations?! WHY!? Describing women as 'loose' or 'respectful'- what a highly DISRESPECTFUL categorisation, if I may say so.

I didn't like Faye and Tom teasing Aaron. Go back to Louise again! Why is Faye digging him out? He wasn't even interested in her a few days ago.

LOL check out the body language when Faye asked Aaron if he was bi! His leg started going like the fucking clappers! 'Never say never' equals 'I'm bi.' In fact bi's are generally quite straight up, I'm calling closet case.

I think a woman being bi and a man being bi is a bit different, as a man has to make more of a commitment to be bi, plus socially it's less 'acceptable' and you MUST BE GAY (oh hold on, I just made that generalisation!). It's quite easy for a woman to to snog another woman with no feelings involved and no eyebrows raised. Either way, I'd rather see Aaron and Tom in bed than Aaron and Faye, so get on with it.

I wouldn't say you're unpopular, Rebeckah, but if Hitler was on the block with you, I still couldn't call the eviction percentages. She's got a defence mechanism in place of a personality.

LOL to Harry calling Heaven's nominations 'idiotic'. Er, Heaven, you're not meant to tell people who you nominated.

I really want Heaven to go over Rebeckah as literally half my blog will disappear is Rebeckah's not in there (and 80% of my titles). Save Rebeckah! Can you really be bothered to vote to save Heaven? Come on, let's stick it to her and her positive energy! Let the evilness remain!