Big Brother 2011 - Wolf pack (your bags)

Guillemots wake up call! I love Guillemots. Makes a nice change from David Guetta. Oh, God, Louise realised she doesn't connect with Jay whatsoever. She is leading him down the garden path a bit then, and she needs to tell him right now, as it's a bit unfair. This Guillemots song is called 'I don't feel amazing now.' Apt.

I've also never seen her with mascara down her face. Reassuring for us mortals. Look at Jay's boxers! I can see Peter Stringfellow in those babies.

I don't think she should get into bed with someone who she just wants to be friends with. Break it to him, and see if he jumps on Jem. I wouldn't be surprised.

Oh, she's actually telling him. That's brave. Not sure he's listening. 'There's no chemistry but I like snogging you.' Mixed messages.

I like Tom's emaciated little body. Is that wrong? Aaron is stirring the pot. Ulterior motive!

I haven't found out the nominations this week. I'm surprised they're not letting Jem nominate! I think her nominations might have counted this week.

I don't like this nomination talk, as it advantages Anton's crew. Faye wants to nominate Louise? What's the point?

Is the osmosis effect 'if you hang around with shit, you'll be shit'? That's not what my science teacher told me. No wonder I only got a C in my GCSE.

Pleeeeeeeaaaase let Anton be up this week! Harry's not that stupid, Anton, you transparent fuck. Anton looks like fucking Zippy today. He looks like you could stick your arm up his neck and use him as a puppet.

Anton needling Harry to find out who he voted for. As if Aaron would vote for Harry! You douche, Anton.

Harry is getting away with banana-gate quite well. Tom looks nice today, I like his hair.

OMG I would kill to see Aden vs Anton. Aaron got the nominations pretty much spot on. Anton is such a TOOL!

Aden is so inconsequential now, he's like a little fucking bug crawling around with a hat on, giggling at Anton's sexism.

Aaron and Harry's patronising Alex corner. She's having none of it.

I'll be very interested to see this eviction. I think people will vote to save Aaron and some meatheads will vote to save Jay. Aden, Anton and Faye are all vulnerable, I think.

If people are booing Jay he'll walk straight out! Bold words. I'm almost tempted to go down there and boo myself.

Anton is sweating about this eviction and I like it. Aaron forgave Faye quickly for nomming him. Harry's clothes are a treat. My boyfriend said he's wearing Ben Duncan's cast-offs. i actually know someone who wears clothes like that in real life, my friend's FIANCE (not yours, Lopez).

Aden, at least Louise told you she nominated you. I wouldn't even waste a vote on you, you're so pointless. He's like those see no evil monkeys, except he's 'speak more bullshit' monkey.

Anton's stirring! Anton is so out of touch with Harry's real feelings it's untrue; even Louise can see through it. Anton is 100% the biggest buffoon to ever walk through those doors.

Aden, you pathetic little weasel, just go and get your heart trampled on by Rebeckah and STFU. I'm sick of the sight of you.

We think Alex can win it. What do you think?

Big Brother 2011 - can you hear me, honeybunch?

I think Louise is just getting caught up in the moment with Jay, but I don't think she really likes him. Mind you, I've been 'persuaded' to like someone before in my time.
Just as Aaron is feeling the 'trust', Big Brother are going to do something really nasty tonight. Mind you, it serves Faye right, she should never have nominated Aaron.
The prizes on that board look good. 'I hope I get the gym session' - wtf! People who are happy about going to the gym are sadistic cunts.
Aden - 'I want a date with Rebeckah'. Really?!
LOL to Jay getting a bunch of bananas, very apt.
OK so Faye hit nominations, so it wasn't really a set up. God, she's such a whinging old bag. Take that woolly hat off, you prat.
Harry won the phone call home on the Deal or No Deal phone. We've seen the crockery ban on BBUSA. They recycle all those ideas! This is quite a good task, though. Decent prizes. They should wheel this out again.
WTF Aden should not be allowed to WRITE in the Big Brother house! Kick him out.
LOL to Jem taking Jay to the gym. Faye took it well, didn't she? How can Aaron find that behaviour attractive? She is odious. She's sulking like a five-year-old who's dropped her lolly.
LOL to Jem slating Faye when she's in the same room! Love it.
Jem: 'if you're up for nomination this week you can go to a gym, can't you?' Brilliant, she just assumes her sister will be evicted.
I wish Faye would go and kill herself, as promised. I thought she wasn't going to watch them train. Their working out is the stupidest thing ever. I like Jay smoking and training. This Big Brother is funny for all the wrong reasons tonight.
WHY does Aaron like Faye? Why, why, why?
We were taking bets on whether Harry would call him mum 'mummy' and he did. AMAZING! I love posh people! Mummy! How could you do it on TV?! They think that's normal!
Oh Jay, you're so romantic. Can't wait to lick your bumhole. Louise's body makes me feel decidedly... wobbly in comparison.
Rebeckah's hair extensions! Mank. I like her bleach job, though. Aden's face when Rebeckah said 'I love you'. Class. Don't worry, Rebeckah Aden is not going to get with another girl because everyone else thinks he's an immature little chimp.
Rebeckah shouldn't be allowed to stir shit about Anton again! Does Tom even like Rebeckah? I think he hates her guts! Bring Rebeckah back in, she's magic as a housemate. I liked Tom with his little dungarees.
At least Faye knows Aaron didn't nominate her now. I love watching them squirm when they show the nominations. Anton was doing mega crab eyes. He actually looked surprised that someone nominated him.
Aaron didn't seem to react to her nominating him. But I think he's going to sit on it and make her suffer. I can see his downward spiral getting it's freak on.
Faye got a LOT of nominations. So now her and Jem are thick as thieves again? Fucking hell, she flip flops more than Nemo trying to get back to the ocean.
How the fuck can Faye sit there and moan about Harry when SHE NOMINATED AARON? She is the biggest hypocrite on the planet. What about what YOU DID, Faye?
Harry and Aaron doing veiled noms chat again! Are they ever gonna get a tell off for that?
I think Big Brother is a bit naughty trying to force Jay and Louise to have sex, especially as she doesn't want to.
Aaron's body language when Faye tried to give him a hug was very telling. All she goes on about is 'me'- 'I feel weird... this has ruined my night.' Can you IMAGINE if Aaron had nominated her? Just imagine it for a minute. Not pretty, is it?
Why doesn't she stop and think about WHY people nominated her. Why doesn't she listen to the reasons?
Are we going to have more lizard tongues now? This flatulence talk is soooo sexy. I HATE silk sheets. We got silky sheets once and they were gross, cold and shiny and I used to slide into to bedside table all the time and knock my glass of water over.
My boyfriend just said 'how long before Jem puts Faye up?'
Spoonies! Talk about doing BB's dirty work for them.

Big Brother 2011 - Toothbrush talk

Recap, recap, recap, it's worse than Watchdog.
'The gag reflex of a trouper' - has she got a medal for that? Hmm, my netbook just died. Now I'm on my laptop that cuts out every 15 minutes. This should be fun. I also have a computer with a bust monitor. Technology isn't on my side this weekend.
Can't believe they coined Alex a 'floater', apparently that term was coined in BBUSA by Rachel. So someone's been watching that.
Aaron ignoring Jay is getting ridiculous now.
I didn't like Jem alluding to Aaron being like a dick in the diary room. That is basically talking about the outside world. Now Faye is giving him a grilling! So unfair. Then she goes on about him 'being a gentleman' in bed, and then goes 'let's not talk about it!' You started it, you arsehole! God, I hate the way she operates.
I wouldn't like Jem coming in and grilling me. She shouldn't make comments about Aaron being a 'player' because theoretically she shouldn't know that. Only she could make 'I'm really looking forward to getting to know you' sound like a threat. Who the fuck does she think she is? She's got about as much warmth as a stalagmite.
Push the button! Don't push the button. The way Faye and Jem talk to each other is almost as appalling as the music they keep playing in the house. Now I understand why they put Jem in; not as a treat, but to drive Faye mad.
Harry's dancing is wicked. I love watching people dance badly.
Liked Anton not falling for Faye's 'joke'. I thought jokes were meant to be funny. If I found out my sister had been grilling my 'boyfriend', I'd be pissed off.
I think I need a translator for Jay tonight, he's talking complete gibberish. Fucking hell, have we got Australians doing the Big Brother voice now? This country really has gone to the dogs! (Just kidding, Angela.)
So did Louise sack Jay off yet, or not? If not, when?
Christ, do we have to hear about Jem's dreams now? Spare me. She sees Aaron as a nocturnal animal in his hole! Lol. Faye and Aaron are in their honeymoon period? If I paid for that honeymoon, I'd be asking for my money back.
Louise, stop being so weak willed! Tell him he's coming on too strong.
Dammit I thought Jem was going to nominate Jay, not befriend him! Yeah, they are similar; big-headed, boneheaded oiks. I hope Jem doesn't nominate Aaron.

Big Brother 2011 - No, you have the Bounty

Can't believe I missed the reptile tongue kissing in my blog yesterday. That was unreal. Do people really kiss like that? Why? Sometimes I miss crucial things cos I'm too busy tip-tapping at my keys!

Aaron is really good at giving people the cold shoulder for ages. I'm rubbish at that! I forgive people quite easily. It's too much of an effort to blank someone.

Louise is not happy with the 'love nest' which might as well be called 'the fuck shack'. Jay has come on too strong and it might be his undoing. Farting in bed is not exactly a winner; I try to hold it in at least until the first 'I love you' has been said.

Anton 'can the public not see he's not liked in the house?' We don't really give a fuck about what you like or don't like. It's who WE LIKE, we decide.

Liked Tom and Alex's Christmas/ Celebrations chat: 'you have the Bounty.' Quite! Alex is coming off very well in this episode.

Well done to Louise for sticking up for Aaron. Anton and Jay pouring poison in her ear!

LOL to Louise not really fancying Jay! Hilarious. Serves him right. Maybe she's onto him a bit. She definitely seems to be distancing herself from the wolfpack.

Jay actually came off better in that garden discussion. Aaron is behaving like a petulant child. Jay was being quite reasonable with him, I thought.

This sister twist can only go one of two ways: either Faye and her sister will team up and busy some balls together, or Jem will drive Faye mad and send her running into the arms of Aaron. They will never be a threesome i.e. working together, I just don't see it.

I could enjoy this sister task! I think they do actually hate each other - lol. I don't want to end up feeling sorry for Faye, though.

Faye's sister has all the charm of Katie Price. I love her coming in and telling Faye off for smoking. Faye should just go 'fuck off'. She's a grown woman, she can do whatever she likes.

Love Alex and Tom trying to guess Jem's age! They were quite generous.

Aaron and Faye hiding from her sister was funny. That sister is a NIGHTMARE!

Aaron is pushing Aden hard here. That situation could go either way, too.

Look at the way Jem is sitting in the DR chair! I've never seen anyone sit in the chair quite like that - completely dominant. She gonna stir some shit up good - now we just have to see which way the wind blows.

Big Brother 2011 - You're his little bitch

One new housemate? Well excuse me if I don't die of excitement. I think we could do with another three, tbh. Anton is sitting round in his dressing gown! Wish they'd evict him like that.

Can't believe Louise and Jay are snogging first thing in the morning. Why are they always so touchy about having sex in the house? I want people who WILL have sex! They're at it like rabbits on the European versions. it's much more cosmopolitan.

Why is Louise announcing that she's snogged Jay and 'she doesn't feel bad'? Why should she feel bad! Honestly, what sort of uptight judge-others society do we live in? OMG that was HILARIOUS that they cut her soppy talk with him SHAVING HIS BUTTHOLE in the Big Brother house. Not in the toilet, but in full public view. Talk about an exhibitionist. I mean, is he likely to get rimmed in the house (not with Louise's prudish attitude towards snogging!)? And why has he got a sock on his knob, is it so his mum and dad can enjoy watching this? Honestly, it's at times like this I have to seriously consider what I'm doing with my life. Jay smells like a real man. Is that of football and beer? OMG I pity the poor camera man in that run. And then he has the audacity to say GO AWAY! He is only DOING it for the attention! Doesn't it HURT to shave your bumhole? If i get Nair in the wrong area, it hurts like fuckery. Surely a razor where the sun don't shine must be painful? I swear, it's a health and safety issue. Mario would be going garrity if he was in that house.

Faye: 'I want you to see the fun side of Faye'. Bit late, now, you dreary div.

Maisy must have been gutted about Faye doing a pre-eviction night snog in a desperate bid to stay in. Let's not forget she nominated Aaron AND didn't speak to him for a whole day.

OMG is Jay seriously clippering Aaron's hair with his ARSE RAZOR? I need a bag to be sick in. The haircut actually looked quite good, amazingly. I guess that's Jay's 'precision' practice for you.

Looks like Harry is going to regret ordering that food colouring. Jay, Aden and Anton are like an inner circle (more butt talk) of twattery. Somehow their prank seems a lot more mean-spirited than Harry's which was just a schoolboy jape.

Did Anton just swear on his mother's life it wasn't him, because it partly was. Aaron is taking it well, as usual, he looks like someone's died. LOL, Anton is stitching Jay up. Anton is a snake! Rebecca was right.

This might have saved Harry from getting put up next week. Aden is seething! He did come off a bit badly there, but it WAS his idea in the first place. Harry has got his just desserts (in a way). But it still seems meaner.

Jay, you lying knob. Banana revenge! LOL to Harry 'you're a liar, you're a fucking dickhead': he's quite bold saying that to Jay. I kind of like Harry when he's angry. It's a bit sexy when a posh person says 'fuck off' for some reason.

Why is Maisy getting booed? What has she done wrong exactly, except be nothingy and well turned out?

Jay fingering Anton! Good. Anton is wrong to swear on his mums life. I like the way Harry shouts and is then a bit sorry afterwards. It wasn't actually Anton's idea, it was Aden's idea.

Harry is disappointed with Anton! Boarding school buddies. Louise 'let's just stay out of it' - yeah, let's not have an opinion, let's just sit here and look pretty. Harry is taking down the supposed 'kids from the street'. Aden was OWNED. He went from Rebecca's little bitch to Jay's little bitch.

LOL to 'if he doesn't like ketchup why did he order 20 bottles?'

Oh God, Aaron's latest DR martyrdom sesh. What's that jumper Aaron has on? He looks like a admittedly handsome geography teacher.

Aden: 'I don't want to come across as slimy.' Harry: 'Just don't come across as a numpty.'

Jay making a little sex palace for Louise is gross. No one wants to emulate Michelle Bass. Not even Michelle Bass.

Jay's passion pit! LOL. I saw them play the Wireless Festival a while back.

Yuck, I like it better when people snog in the dark. Anton: '5 million people are watching'. Yeah, in 2005. It's barely breaking the million mark this series without the live feed.

LOL to Maisy's face when she got booed. Shocker! So Maisy got evicted. That's interesting when Faye has NO redeeming features. Plus I voted to save Maisy 6 times on FB. Louise has got that stupid fucking hat on again.

Hmm, and they're putting someone in who knows Faye? FIIIIIIIIIIX!

I'm pissed off they're putting her sister in. Actually, it would have been better if she'd left and they'd put her sister in.

Louise must be pleased Maisy's going. No more looking at her. I don't like Maisy's outfit tonight. her hair and make up look good, though.

That breakfast biscuit in the ad break is PURE EVIL. EVIL.

Maisy looked genuinely shocked at some of the nominations. Maisy you weren't a 'nice friend' to Faye, you were always rubbing it in her face that you tongued Aaron first. I'm glad Brian had a dig about that, too. I think Brian is wrong, though, Maisy made the first move on Aaron.

Anton is so 'ungenuine'. Yes, he's disingenuous.

I'm glad that Maisy is comfortable in her own skin. That should be applauded. Her voice is super bugging, though.

So for the twist. Replacement housemate roulette! I can tell this is Faye's sister because she has the same Gary Barlow's Dignitas advert accent. Oh, well, if she's going to have a go at Jay I'm all for it.

Faye's sister is 25? She looks about 40. Good camera angle at the top of the stairs there. I don't want Faye to have back up, really. Plus she's got info. Plus I don't believe her when she says she's going to shake things up, Faye's shaken nothing up, and she promised big.

Jen: 'are you angry?' Faye: 'why would I be angry?' Is it because she's stealing your thunder? I don't like Jen already! Hard faced. Booo! Put Rebeckah back in! I miss struggling to spell her name.

Big Brother 9: So Solid Strong

Remember I told you! I love the fact that during Alex's tirade, no one even reacted to it in the slightest, except Darnell who thought she meant music hook-ups rather than gangsters. But she was a million percent threatening! Rex is right: the room did go cold when she walked in, nasty cunt. I'm too scared to blog now in case she gets her homies onto me! She's gonna pop a cap in my ass! Eek!
Rebecca's 5am half-asleep singing was pretty funny. Why was Darnell still up then?! Hardcore! I liked what he said about Rebecca seeming like trouble at first. I agree, she seems to have calmed down. I would like to have seen more of Rex singing!
Rachel: would you stand there whilst Alex calls you stupid? Because I wouldn't. Even so, Lisa was wrong to slag off Rachel. 'Obnoxiously nice' said Luke, and 'deluded' said the perfectly sane Mario. I know who I'd rather be stuck in a lift with.
I thought it was weird when Mario didn't want to talk about his kids, it's slightly unnatural. They probably don't like him either.
Kat: now totally fast-forwardable.
Dale: officially duller than the block of wood he smashed. That ridiculous drum roll was funny though. That wood looked like it was born to fall apart.
I loved it when Big Brother read her statement back to Alex, especially 'so solid strong' and 'remember I told you'. Big Brother didn't do context; it just read it as is. 'Isn't that a bit incriminating?' said Alexandra. And the answer was: yes. Bye bye. She wasn't sorry. She was just angry. She never crumbled, did she? No tears for Alex. Just anger. What a sad life. She wasn't born like that. Someone made her that way. I hope they are sorry.
Other thoughts: Luke loved reading that card out. Mario trying to look impassive after he found out he was safe. Michael spelt our P-R-I-C-K. Why?
So that's that. And yes the BB producers are culpable for putting such a damaged person as Alex in. But they stopped caring long ago.

Big Brother 9: Instrumental!

If like me, you peruse the digital spy messageboards for a bit of extracurricular BB goss, you'll know by now Alex has been ejected from the house (for threats to kill!) I'm only sorry she wasn't ejected from the planet, the thick cunt.
'You'll have my friends and family to answer to.' she told Mo. No he won't, you stupid fucker. But YOU'LL have the whole nation to answer to, so good luck, darling. Charley got a slap off someone, Grace got scarred for life, hopefully you'll get an upgrade on the pair of them. You're a disgrace to HUMANITY. I'm glad Mohamed stood up to her, as much as he could. She's actually made him seem quite interesting and a sympathetic character. You cannot argue with her, it's impossible. As if Alex would look up to him under any circumstances.
'How can I intimidate a grown man?' Easily. You're a menace.
Alexandra lying like Cleopatra in the bathroom! Don't awake the beast!
The moral of the story is: wearing a skirt- bad. Threatening to kill- perfectly acceptable. That's OK then.
I liked the Japanese task. I like karaoke and the decor and stuff. They should have made them do a Takeshi's Castle-style obstacle course. I liked Rebecca's stupid singing just because it was a bit of light relief. Even Alex made me laugh. At least they made her look like a dick before she went. PS. You don't sing the word 'instrumental'.
Loved Luke taking the mickey out of Mario's 'massive fanbase'. It was done with such style. But we're stuck with old Mazzer for another week and a half! Hey ho.

Big Brother 9: Paranoid Picnic

Nomination stations! I wish we could have seen them all. Lisa's was funny, 'maybe Jennifer is a bit jealous of me.' It's fairly unlikely, Lisa, you look like Xena the Warrior Princess thirty HARD years later. I was surprised a how FEW people voted Alexandra. Surely she should have had a clean sweep? Luke nominating Mario for patronising Mikey was perfect. I couldn't have put it better myself.
Dale: so thick he needs subtitles. He does have a bit of Jamie Oliver mouth disease, doesn't he? Like, like, like, like, like.
Why was Alex so annoyed about Mo dressing up as a woman? It was only a bit of fun, narky cow. He looked quite nice really. Mo's diary room conversation being broadcast over the loudspeaker was no technical hitch, that's classic BB trying to fuck with them. I half love it, half think it's pure evil. It's Mo's birthday! Give him a break. Him not being able to get his bra off was pure comedy.
Alex's 'we as Muslims' rant was PURE HYPOCRISY. She did not have a leg to stand on. DICKHEAD! Fuck off.
Quote of the night: Mo: 'If I want to cross dress, I will cross dress!' I like him, you know. He's alright. He kept that eyeshadow on a fair while, didn't he? Good on him, nothing wrong with a bit of harmless androgyny.
Alex- burn baby burn! You donkey.
At least it will be a good eviction this week between Alex and Mario. I really wish we could kick the pair of them out tomorrow.

Big Brother 9: Crisps! *excited*

Poor Mohamed, every time he puts food in his mouth, he's treated like a pariah. Alex's bathroom rant was SHAMELESS, can't believe she didn't shut it when Mohamed came in with the towels. She's unstoppable.
Make up horrors: Lisa's brown lipstick. I liked Mario dissing it, it reminds me of every relationship I've ever had. Men don't appreciate a garish lipstick, the fools. Jennifer: went to the Mikey-school of putting mascara on.
Crisp task! Wor-chester sauce! Hehe. Mmm, crisps. I couldn't stop myself eating them! Mario: 'can I just make a suggestion?' equals 'You'd better do this or else.'
Jennifer: crisp hater! If you hate crisps, you hate life. Damn you to hell, you don't deserve to live on this planet. Begone!
Oh dear: Tissue-gate! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. Haha that was quite funny when he dropped his tissue in. Gross. Even I may have been deterred at that point. Also, how did Big Brother decide the results of the task? Did they have to relick them? I demand to know.
I can see why Dennis was annoyed at Sylvia, she did sell him out a bit the other night. She could have ingratiated herself with both sides without dragging Dennis's name into it.
Forehead watch: Rachel vs Alex- both giving Mario's buddy Ant McSixhead a run for his money. So what if someone called Rachel Mother Teresa? It's better than being called Satan, innit. It might have helped us as a viewer if they'd actually shown us who'd said it. (I'm guessing Alex)
The table meeting was dull as fuck- Alex: 'I'll say it to your face' equals 'I'm a rude fucker.' Mario cliche generator: 'you need to earn respect.' Zzzzz. They came across like a bunch of pathetic school kids.
So I guess the friendship is over between Sylvia and Alexandra. What a shame. But can Sylvia be redeemed in our eyes? I think it will take time for her to prove herself again.
Quote of the night goes to Luke in the Diary Room: 'if I was going to say something about someone I'd say it in here, behind their back.'
Loved BB thwarting Mario's attempts to get it on, they spoke for a nation in putting a stop to those shenanigans. 'Rocking off to sleep'! Is that what the old folk call it these days? Blergh!

Big Brother 9: Super(emely annoying) Mario

How's that for a pun? Eat that, Sun writers!
Mario! Now officially more infuriating than Alex. His vanity and arrogance know no boands. Why is he trying to manage everyone? I know you do it for a living, you fat-necked fuck. You're not at work now, you're on Big Brother. Relax!
The task was quite tedious. Mario going 'you said it' to Darnell when he'd said pretty much nothing was frustrating. Darnell seemed quite likable and vulnerable tonight.
And poor Mikey, stuck between Lord of the Manor Mario and the frigging triangle. We predicted that one. That waistcoat was uncalled for though, blind or not.
Dunno what Alex was on about with the Rex thing, I think she's mentally ill. Rex is a chef, he probably will criticise your cooking. Apparently Mo is perfectly capable of cooking OK, but hold up, Rebecca wasn't last week. Can we spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E?
What the fuck was Lisa wearing, by the way? She looks like Barbie on steroids. That cap should have been burned in the 80s. And why does she never react to anything? It's driving me nuts.
Mikey pissed me off with what he said about Jennifer. Why is he so obsessed with her not dressing up? He can't see anyway. Plus there's a big difference between a snog and a shag (and Dale and Jennifer haven't even snogged! And so what if they did? It's hardly earth-shattering).
I was impressed with the fact that they were all onto Alex today: they are not such a stupid bunch this year. I liked Mo and Rex going twos up on a fag in the ashtray. Mo knows Alex was just trying to fuck with him and she failed. Good.
Mario vs Alex next week, surely? Come on, housemates. You know you want to.

Big Brother 9: Male, Female, Cats, Dogs, Whatever

BB was kind of annoying tonight. Endless obsessing over minor details. And whilst the real romance in the house was over before it began (Rex and Steph) we have to put up with the dreary courtship of Jennifer and Dale. Rex's girlfriend obviously spent her friday night wisely, speed dialling the number to evict Steph. But it was a shame, as she brought out an interesting side to him, and let's face it, most of the housemates have barely one side between them.
And so we're left with Lisa and Mario. Mario's soundbites for tonight: 'we're very popular people', 'we;ve got a fanbase', 'Ant and Dec better have voted for me', what you see is what you get', 'it's the cat sat on the mat' (what?!) and my favourite, 'the legend continues.' Urgh! Just way too smug. I'm sorry I ever said he was alright. He's not. And Lisa's fixed smile is getting on my nerves. They are in danger of drowning that house, just like Carole, the most controlling mother figure on earth, did last year.
It was interesting that Sylvia sought to distance herself from Alex, but I couldn't work out of she came off looking sensible or two-faced. I'm reserving my judgement. I don't think Alex will be if she finds out though. Sylvia's matchmaking attempt was also pretty ham-fisted.
Jennifer got WAY too much air-time tonight. I can't stand her. She's completely stuck-up and sour, and those ratty hair extensions are just revolting. She's like the world owes her a favour, flouncing off when Dale said he fancied her. It was interesting that the world's most gormless PE teacher said Rex got on his nerves sometimes; he's clearly jealous of Rex's power in the house (and the fact he is an articulate man). Jennifer continued to suck the fun out of anything and everything, with her and Dale's late night chat making Romeo and Juliet look like a fairytale romance.
Just snog him or don't! No one actually gives a fuck except you, you boring old bitch. You're a bit of fanny that he wants to nail. That's about all there is to it, so I wouldn't bother over-thinking it too much. If you want something with a bit more substance, try Luke.

Big Brother 9: Stephanie Evicted

What is Davina wearing? It's rankazoid.
NB. On the live feed today I heard Dale say 'On the sly I fancy indie girls'. Indie girls; you have been warned.
Jennifer: 'When Alex argues, it's funny.' Really? I must have had my funny-bone removed. Jennifer and Dale, this years Ziggy and Chanelle, except more shallow, have less chemistry than Ken and Barbie, and they're also considerably thicker.
Why did Lisa say she was a housemaid? Weird! She sits around with a very smug look on her face at all times, it's kind of annoying. NOTHING phases her.
Dunno why they played the Ting Tings to a bunch of chavs as they obviously didn't know it. Dennis's dance routine made me cringe.
And so Steph got the boot. Typical British public, ditch the pretty girl. I think I would have preferred it to be Mario after all. I mean I'd rather watch Steph snog Dale/Rex than Mario and Lisa rutting. Blergh. And that was a bit of a swizz with Davina doing the result from the studio, so the house couldn't hear the 'get Alex out' chants. Why should Alex get special treatment? She's a twat! Boo.
Aw Steph looked well nice when she came out. Hasn't she got nice teeth? She is stupid though; Mario was JOKING in the diary room about loving her. I quite liked the new studio.
So there's been a rumour on on digital spy that Mario and Lisa aren't a real couple either? And Davina did seem to be labouring on that point tonight a bit? Watch this space. Well, not this one. But the one on your telly.
But all in all... a pretty boring eviction. Bring on Alex. Bring on the baying for blood. Remember I told you!

Big Brother 9: Damaged Goods

Many years ago my best mate and me texted the big brother live feed thing saying the should give the housemates electric shocks in their beds to wake them up when we were bored in the early hours. Today that dream came true!
It was BRILLIANT watching the BB contestants getting zapped (seemingly up the arse) for the task. Are Big Brother actually allowed to electrocute them? Is there a health and safety issue there? Oh who cares, it was hilarious. And how funny that Alex was the first to crack. Remember I told you. Pathetic. Loving Rex. 'Rex is a bully and dictatorish...' Alex is projecting bigger than the fucking IMax screen.
If I was trying to do that task and everyone was sticking their oar in I'd have freaked. No wonder they lost. Too many cooks! I would deffo have shocked them one more time for luck at the end. Morons!
Dale punching the bed... aggressive. Kick him out. I can't stand aggressive men. It's intimidating. He's only aggressive because he's utterly inarticulate. Poor Dale can't stuff his face. Boo hoo.
There's such a bad atmosphere in the house at the mo, it's a bit depressing. I want a bit of fun and silliness, and a bit of romance, like real romance, not that fake shit between Dale and Cheryl Tweenie. All the regional accents are really grating too. (racist!)
Dennis crying in the ashtray whilst Alex barked like a dog must have been a great comfort to him.
Sylvia and Luke reminiscing about food was a moment of lightness. But it was literally one moment.
Alex: please grow up. Someone using your cigarette lighter is not a violation. We can see you're hurting but you can't heal yourself by ripping up everyone else.

Big Brother 9: Cookiegasm

Cookiegasms are gross. Is there crack in those cookies? Kat is uber-annoying. BUT I too like those big, squidgy cookies. Yum. But really, Kat you've had enough cookies.
The editing was poor tonight! I couldn't work out how half the arguments started. They got through the meeting unscathed though which I was surprised at. It made me laugh when Mario was talking about trip hazards. The expression 'trip hazard' pretty much makes my day. He pulled out the old Mikey card again, too! He's shameless.
Now I want to discuss the rules being broken. On launch night Davina clearly said smokers could only smoke in the designated smoking area with their feet inside the ashtray. I have seen them smoking with their feet OUTSIDE the ashtray, and I've witnessed Rex walking off smoking! When are they going to be jailed? BAD Big Brother. Jail them!
Actually, don't jail Rex cos he actually stood up to Alex and called her a hypocrite.
I didn't like that row between Darnell and Jennifer, despite not knowing how it started. I don't like either of them and I especially didn't like him punching the air as if he was going to punch her, there was something threatening about that which made me feel quite uncomfortable.
Dennis: idiot. Mario: idiot. Moaning about two girls in their underwear is a bit rich when he's lying there in his underpants. Dick.
Jennifer- no self worth. She shouldn't be ashamed of that body: she's got a good figure. No one should make her feel bad about it. But how weird that Alex was suddenly kind and sympathetic? I didn't like that! I want my villains black and white please. The grey areas are unsettling.

Big Brother 9: Ever-Ready

'You'll never be ready.'
And after knickergate came chipgate. When is Alexandra going to be thrown into the BB prison (or better still thrown out on her ear)? The rage inside me as she ranted on and on- I haven't felt this way since Jade/Charley. I've never seen anything so offensive in my life. I don't know what annoys me more: the fact BB do bugger all about it, or the fact no one dared stand up to her. The men in particular proved themselves to be pathetic, swineless spines and should be ashamed of themselves. This is the face of the kind of person who would look the other way as you got stabbed on the tube. We have a house full of people like that. Alex is the classic school bully and a complete and utter CUNT and one day I hope she learns to read and reads this. I don't care if it's twenty years from now, you'll still be a fucking stupid, boorish, ignorant, ugly, nasty, pathetic piece of shit. The world would genuinely be a better place without you.
So at least we should give Steph a bit of credit for trying, even if she did get called 'thick' and 'simple' for her troubles. Can you imagine if someone called Alex that? Please, just imagine for a minute. The irony is, all they need to to is do it. All they need to do it tell her to go fuck herself and she's lamp them and then be removed. Problem solved.
Other observations: Mario and Lisa (dressed as a stick of rock) in the diary room- gross. What an exhibition. All that was missing was the tripod. Sylvia: has been utterly dragged down by Alex. There's one idiot limpet every year and she's decided it should be her. Shame. Dennis- vile. Dale and Jennifer's love affair: officially less sexy than watching paint dry, although he did manage one entire sentence today (he struggled a bit though). Darnell telling Mikey he wasn't a nice person just because he was blind- hehe.
There definitely aren't enough likeable people in the house... or in the absence of likable, funny would do. I'm almost hating everyone, even Luke. I like Rachel but dear God, please get a grip. All it would take is three of you to stick together and dethrone Alex from her cunt-stump.
i know it's gonna happen someday... but I wish it was sooner rather than later.

Big Brother 9: Launch Night

'We hate it when our friends become successful, and if they're Northern, it makes it even worse...' And thus, they stuffed the BB house full of Northerners, foreigners (daily mail alert!) and a couple of people with impediments for good measure. And then the crowd with racists and homophobes. Perfect!
So first things first. The house looked really good, I liked the luxury bedroom and the diary room chair. Davina was the same. And the twist (splitting up the couple and making Mario pretend he was dating Stephanie) was actually good, which was a start. So onto my rash snap judgements all of which are true for today and expire in about 24 hours.
Excuse the capitals, but there doesn't appear to be an option for bold on this wanky old Mac.
MARIO & LISA... Sleazy Sylvester Stallone with big ears. Boobs. Looked like a pair of doggers. I didn't really see the point of them until the twist came in. I thought for one scary moment they were going to put ALL couples in... that would have sucked.
LUKE... Bat ears. Booed back at the crowd which was a good sign. Extra brownie points for saying 'Am I the child?' when the twist was announced. My favourite.
STEPHANIE... generic wannabe WAG type, but I thought she didn't seem toooo bad. Felt a bit sorry for her when she got teamed up with the slimy Mario. And Lisa will obviously hate her, but it's not Stephanie's fault BB is a bitch. My guess at the twist was that they were going to make Luke and Stephanie pretend to be a couple, which I think may have made better TV to be honest.
RACHEL... admitting you're annoying does not mitigate you. She got on my nerves almost instantly. However, later on she was looking out for Michael so I warmed to her a little.
DALE... 'If there's any fanny in there, I'm going to nail it.' Clearly the feminist quote of the night. Redeemed himself slightly by saying 'I'm a PE teacher but I can't stand kids.' Amusing. Annoyingly good-looking, but clearly a twat with little legs and the only person to preen in front of the mirror as he went in. It was so obvious he was sent in there to be Ken to Steph's Barbie.
SYLVIA... Rude girl! Nice dress. Interesting face. Hard to judge but I'm suspecting she's going to fall into the bitchy harpie category.
DENNIS... and here we have your gay cliche for the night! Looked like a Who from Whoville. Pranced into the house to the sound of homophobic booing. Least likely to get along with Dale, I'd hazard a guess.
MICHAEL... welcome to your Pete Bennett style everyman with a heartbreaking affliction. Will he win because he's blind? Not unless he's cool. Mentioned Super Mario Kart, so he's already won my heart.
ALEXANDRA... another black girl with attitude, BB is obviously keen to dig up Charley's bones. But there's only one Charley. And you'll never find a bigger cunt than that. Alexandra got badly booed (racists!) but didn't help by generally pouting like a twat. Most likely to befriend Sylvia and slag off anyone remotely ugly.
REX... Good opener with 'Most people don't like me'. Gay dad! Ginge. Bizarre hair, it was like a little hat or something. It was obvious that he and Dale were going to chum up and wank off about expensive jeans or something. Zzz. Might be an interesting character if they don't go down the 'jungle cats' route, or even worse, the Anthony Hutton route.
MOHAMED... Afro... white trousers... I literally cannot think of anything else to write about him. he left no impression whatsoever.
REBECCA... I said Vicky Pollard before they did, but she was also a bit Beth Ditto-ey. I actually thought she looked quite good in that dress and her entrance was funny, but she had Shabnam written all over her with the screaming. If she doesn't befriend Dennis, I'll eat his stupid little hat.
DARNELL... american albino. He looked paler than me! I like albinos, they are interesting to look at. The jury is out on him, I haven't made up my mind.
JENNIFER... pretty. Obnoxious views. Very thin- how did she ever give birth?
KATHREYA... cookie monster. What an outfit... Pink wedgie and ginger spice's old shoes. I thought it looked like she had a willy when she was going downstairs, so you heard it here first if she turns out to be a geezer. Bet she teams up with Rebecca and Dennis in the 'assorted freaks' section.
And that is pretty much it. I didn't feel let down like I did last year on opening night, and there's quite a good mix of characters. Could have done with a cute guy who wasn't a complete bell-end, but hey... that's life. I think having someone blind in there will be a good barometer to sort the good from the evil and the kind from the exploitative. Surely it will be hard for him to get used to all the different voices, and imagine having to rely on that lot to take you to the toilet.