Thursday, 18 July 2013

Big Brother 2013: Soar loser

Ooh I thought that was Patrick Wolf at the beginning but it was just Lana Del Rey. Not as good. So they're going to push all this love triangle shit tonight? I wouldn't mind, but the whole thing is completely imaginary! There's no love, it's just a triangle. And it's not even a piece of Toblerone.
I hope Dexter Febreezes that onesie, or he has several the same. It must reek! He knows he's on TV, right? Do people actually sleep in those things? I'd rather be stabbed in the face than set toe in one. When I am ruler of the world, I will send troops door to door to burn onesies, with their owners still in them, if possible. That will be my first policy.
This waxing thing is cruel! Sam did WELL to not react, waxing HURTS! Dan is whimpering. Not really got the hang of this, has he?
Jackie is enjoying watching Callum suffer. I hate Jackie. Hate her!
LOL Dan is so upset. He's 'using his body to win Big Brother'? Haha. Sam has a high pain threshold.
I hear Jack and Joe crack during their task. One of them is trying much harder than the other.
His mum! 'I want a cuddle! What about the task! Dexter didn't get to cuddle his mum! Sophie didn't get to cuddle her boyfriend?
Twin: 'Are we being funny?!' What is this! SHUT UP.  I thought their parents seemed like arseholes like them. No respect for the rest of the housemates. No respect for the task. Notice how all the others were in the garden, too.
Sophie straight away: 'Did you talk to them?' Dexter and Sophie are PISSED! I don't blame them, why do the twins get separate rules to everyone else? They should have got more shit for that.
I quite liked the barbershop quartet and their 'fake' song, it was really funny. Quite imaginative for BB.
This is a task where Big Brother just makes up if they've passed or failed, right. Even if the permitted number of fails is locked in a box, the amount of fails they accumulated could be completely made up.
Once my boyfriend said to me, 'when I reach forty I'll just lose all of my looks, they will slide off like a disintegrating cliff face'. I think this is is happening to Jackie as we speak.
Dexter is CONSTANTLY looking at the memory wall! They're obsessed with saying who's going when.
The twins finally feel sorry for Dexter being up on the block every week. Callum: 'well, he's made a thing of it.' He's not had much choice!
Callum is talking about 'clicks', whatever they are. Ooh, can't wait to see Callum go off at Jackie.
Twin: 'I've never seen Gina wash her hair.' Know much about hair care for black people, you racist? Give him a warning, ha.
Jackie vs Callum, ding ding! Why DOES Jackie hate Callum so much!? It's so random.
Oh dear, why is Dexter telling Callum he fancies Charlie!?
Why are these women being such wind up merchants? Don't tell me Dexter is falling for it!
I've noticed Callum signs with Sam sometimes, I think that's sweet. Jackie is wrong to step in. At least Callum's bothering to communicate with Sam.
Dear Lord, is Sophie still going on about Dan? Just get over it! Ha, why is Sophie telling Dan she was bitching about him? I thought she'd covered it quite well. Her and the twins are coming over BITTAH.
Dexter is arse-licking Jackie. How come Dexter can get away with all the shit he does and Callum gets constantly 'pummeled' to use the word of the night?
Jackie on the show: 'I won't even watch it.' Whatevs. Ha, Dexter wants his mum to be friends with Jackie.
Uh oh, Dan is having a superior moment. 'I've been in the police for ten years, I've got a son of X age'. So what?!
Oh no, CRINGE! Jackie is telling Callum and Dexter to back off Charlie! Tee hee! This is AWKS. Callum's getting mad! A month of bottled up pleasantness is about to pop!
Ooh, Jackie: 'why don't you just get off the bandwagon?' Haha. at least Callum started that bandwagon, Dexter just climbed aboard.
It was the BEST when Callum said to Jackie: 'I'm not quite finished yet.' Callum finally found his balls, yo!
Ooh, Jackie's raring up! OMG Jackie calling Callum aggressive, are you fucking kidding me? He's Mr Agreeable! Just because he stood up to her for once! She is TEN TIMES more aggressive than him!
How rude of Jackie to say 'you probably won't see Charley again.' Doesn't Charlie decide that? (Probably not).
YES! Go Callum! 'Based on fuck all!' Outbursts. This is the first time he's EVER stuck up for himself! He's right, Jackie DOES try and belittle him. Charlie should stick up for him, but she looks too pissed. Jackie 'can't put her finger' on when Callum's been aggressive. That's because he HASN'T! And this bitch was so far up Daley's arse it was unreal! Talk about can't see the wood for the trees. The woman is a fucking joke. I want rid of her so bad. I wish it was a double so we could kick her and the Humpty Dumpty twins - 'are we funny' NO! - to the kerb.
Callum is the most placid man on TV. He's not aggressive in the slightest. Good on him for finally telling her to STFU.
Where's DI Dan when you need him? Oh, going on about himself in the kitchen. Get your cuffs out, Dan! Callum's getting lairy! He thinks he's in Ayia Napa. Don't apologise, Callum!
'ASK ME HOW I AM.' That was kind of aggressive, in a puny way. Isn't it up to Charlie who she goes out with?
Ha, Callum went all common when he said the words 'council estate.' IS it because he's common Jackie doesn't like him? It's possible. I can't see why else she doesn't like him (don't even MENTION the audition tape). Maybe that IS it. And even if it isn't, smart gameplay from Callum there. Play the council estate sympathy card. It's one thing Dexter and Gina don't have up their sleeve.
Jackie: 'no man has ever done that to me.' Done WHAT to you? Talked back to you? Stood up for himself? Where's Mr Travers again? You're making yourself look a prat, Jackie. I'm looking forward to seeing you get the boot.
Yeah, fuck off to bed, Jackie, you spoilsporting old bitch. Ooh, Charlie said night to Dexter but not to Callum! Ha, Callum trying to demean Dexter by saying he'd 'dripped'. That was PASSIVE aggressive.
I love the fact Dexter's in a position of power now, after being the house worm for three weeks.
Callum: 'You'll step on heads to get where you want to be.' Dexter: 'that's not very nice.' But Dexter said loads of shit to him, too. Callum did try and make amends with Dexter, admittedly after he nominated him face to face, before this stupid Charlie non-triangle.
Callum: 'it's all yours.' I don't think Charlie is yours to give away.
OH GOD, PLEASE STOP MENTIONING CALLUM'S VT. I can't take it anymore. Roses and fairies and dances, oh my!
Hazel feels tubby! Don't tell Wolfy.
Dexter: 'Callum has a question mark over his head.' Is he playing Super Mario?
Oh, Callum, just go to bed, you're digging this hole into a grave. You weren't aggressive, you're just at the end of your rope. Who can blame you? Now get off Charlie's hair unless you have a tint brush in your hand.
There is no 'wow' with Charlie except 'wow, why didn't she get her roots done before she went in the house' or 'wow, why does she think those earrings are a good idea' or 'wow, her mum is a psycho.'
'You will SOAR, Charlie Travers!' Yeah, soar out the house and stop boring me to death. SOAR!

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