Friday, 27 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Tobler-gone

Forget that fake alien invasion on BBC1, the 'party' is right here on ITV. Caroline doing her hair! That ship has long sailed. Can you think of one person in Britain with worse hair than Caroline? She even makes Conor's hair look civilised.
I can't BELIEVE Caroline is doing a Harry. If you're going to do a master prank, invent your own. And don't inflame the smokers. Do not upset smokers. They will kill you. Ask Nadia.
Caroline: see you later. 'Why would someone spend money on garlic?' Caroline, it's one thing ordering 50 bars of chocolate, but Fruit and Nut? No one can even eat that! It's like ordering chocolate with grit in it. I used to like that advert with the singing chocolate bar in, though. Sexy. Put a pair of eyelashes on a chocolate bar and it instantly becomes fuckable... right?
She should have ordered Winalot instead. They're all going to be high off sugar at least. She must be pretty sure she's going. She didn't even get a 'did you say 500 Nutellas...' A PALE IMITATION. The squeakquel to Harry's Alvin.
How come Sara is the only one getting a cheer? She's floated her way to this week! It's the first time she's even opened her mouth. Is it a double eviction? I can't work it out.
I just turned over to the Olympics 'thing'. Pyramids everywhere! Illuminati times. Where's Begbie? Is this Abraham Lincoln Vampire Killer? It's like Mary Poppins or something. Are people paying to watch this crud? Are we having to go through the history of the entire UK? ZZZ. This is worse than Cirque du Soleil and that's one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.
She got some good chocs there, Milkybar, Aero. You know she's just trying to make Luke A and Adam kick off, don't you? You can tell Caroline's never lived in a violent household. I'd be shitting myself.
Why is Luke S defending Caroline?! Why does Conor think it's funny, doesn't he like food?
Caroline: 'I don't think we have enough Whole Nut.' Whole Nut is worse than Fruit Nut. Whole Nut is unforgivable. I'd chuck that chocolate in the pool, or melt it and cover her clothes with it.
Nut-hell-urgh. Adam, don't rise to it! Don't let her beat you. 'Absolutely fucking pathetic.' Ah, memories of Marcus. I wouldn't do that to smokers. Smokers be crazy. Caroline is achieving her objective because she's making Luke A and Adam lose it. Wow, Adam is REALLY upset. I think he's going to rip her head off.
Here we go! Caroline does look fat. Must be the chocolate. Conor is twitching. The soldiers are safe. All the goodies safe. OMG, Caroline is so annoying. I hope someone throws a brick at her when she comes out. All the baddies got booed. The writing is now on the wall. Luke S and Conor must be shitting it. Like A: 'I might have some chocolate.' Nice. Diabet-heave.
Sara has not had to fight, so she doesn't deserve to win, IMO. It's too late to float through and then start speaking up now. They're singing God Save the Queen on BBC1 now. Quick, kick Sara out, she's missing it. I've seen more astroturf in the Big Brother garden. The Queen looks THRILLED. Fucking THRILLED. What a LOVELY WOMAN. She looked like she'd just stepped in some dogshit. What time is the alien invasion on? This is like all the worst bits of Eurovision. I'm glad I'm only watching 3 minutes of this at a time.
So it's not a double eviction, they're just dragging this shit out (we're back to Big Brother, not that other crap). Mad-am. Adam, keep cool, or you're going to get a warning. It's not gangland times anymore. Why has no one slagged Caroline off for being a copycat, too? Caroline is so up for eviction next week if she doesn't go out tonight.
'It's a joke.' Is it just mint banter? It's not a joke, you're just trying to bug everyone. Don't they need some multivitamins or something? What would Vinnie Jones make of this? I don't think he'd be happy.
She didn't even get any CRISPS. I could live on crisps for a week. I DO live on crisps for a week. What, BB is giving them tobacco?! Ugh, Caroline bought Milka, too. I don't like Milka. She hasn't even got good taste in chocolate. Where's the chocolate orange?
Fag gate! I think Adam and Luke A have a point about the fags, but they don't own the fags. Is Luke A enjoying that fag? Ratty's getting annoyed. Stub her out.Ashleigh: 'just you wait.' Luke A: 'what you going to do, get Luke S?' LOL. Adam knows prison ways. Fags are like currency in there.
OMG Ashleigh is safe. How?! And Conor! Ugh! It's got to be Caroline going. It can't be Luke S going, can it? But then who would vote to save him? Caroline is doing some serious controller's leg there. Luke S looks properly gutted. Apparently it's in 'no particular order' so interesting they saved the outsiders first, perhaps the producers are trying to redress the balance somehow. I can't believe they're still trying to rinse money out of this thing! Save Caroline! Or don't. I'm not sure?! It should have been Conor or Ashleigh, Luke S and Caroline provide more exitainmentz. Why don't they leave Conor in the bottom 2 sweating? Luke S is unraveling. He looks sooooo upset.

I just turned BBC1 on and Mr Bean is on. Are we that hard up?
I think the outsiders have the numbers now Sara's jumped ship. But don't forget what Sara did! I won't forgive her for her Benedict hate and the Queen love.
As usual Conor's got a stooge to do his dirty work for him, just like he did with Arron with chocolate gate. So did they give Ashleigh a fag in the end, or what? I think Caroline might be the ugliest thing on the planet, inside and out. Adam is sharing the tobacco. Cos he's been told to. Rizla-kicks.
I thought Scott had a pair of hair straighteners in the bath with him then. No such luck. Conor just jumped in. It's not as good as Jedward bathtimes, is it?
Deana is playing it quite cool at the moment. Luke A and Adam are crumbling right now and she's keeping her head down.
Luke S was so sure Ashleigh would leave before him, it would be worth seeing him leave.
Is Adam about to do an armed robbery? What's with the stocking? May I recommend an assault? I hate all this 'being myself' talk. Zzzz.
Caroline: 'people are very spoilt.' LOLZ. You have got to laugh. You really have.
BBC1 check: John Lydon. Is the Queen smiling at that bit? Are we having an acid house bit now? Not even some MDMA could cheer this horrorshow up. Some MK Ultra, maybe. Someone just said the words 'graphic equaliser.' Very modern. Are we celebrating rave? What about when they tried to shut them all down? LAGER LAGER LAGER. It's just all songs from fucking Trainspotting! I love Dizzee Rascal, he's gloriously joyful and stupid. I'd like to see him on Celeb BB.
OK back to BB. It's Crunchie time! You've missed a trick there, Brian.
Fucking hell, Caroline looks so dumpy. You've gone as Mars Bar as you can go. Be-twixed and between.
Adam and Luke A not even saying goodbye to her. Can't really blame them. Arron didn't say goodbye to anyone. This game really can turn on a Dime-bar. Shall I stop with the chocolate puns now?
Why has she come out with a hairbrush? Is it to rape someone with? Perhaps BB told her to confiscate it from Conor.
I'm surprised Ashleigh got more votes than Caroline. Who voted for her?! On BBC1, David Beckham is driving a pink glowing speedboat. 
I hope Caroline gets booed throughout her interview like Lydia did. Caroline's gone hysterical - she's turned into Ashleigh. Off, off, off, off, off!
Caroline: 'I have no redeeming qualities.' Why not try nurturing some? Brian's getting pissed off with her. Do you think anyone's ever had sex with Caroline? I don't.
Caroline looks like hell. What are those shoes? She looks like Miss Haversham. Brian actually just told her she 'overstepped the mark.' Well done, Brian, you spoke sense for once.
Caro-whine. They are giving her quite a bad edit. She did do some lols. One or two. She's not being contrite. Wait til she's on BOTS. Then she'll be contrite, after she's been given a session with the tell-off man.
I've never seen Brian be this hard on anyone! Mind you, whatevs. There's one thing Caroline's not good at: brushing her hair and integrating into society. Oh, that's two.
Are people still wearing ponchos? Ponchos are worse than onesies. Ghastly.
Why is Caroline referring to herself in the third person? Why is Brian telling us who's popular? He's been WELL nasty to her. I mean, I can't blame him. But where's the rhyme or reason?
Hilarious bit of live feed at the end with Sara telling them about a bunch of people beating the shit out of a terrorist. 'It would only happen in Scotland.' And on that note, goodbye. I aint blogging that live feed. I'm going to watch Breaking Bad. Enjoy the Olymp-dicks.

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