Friday, 27 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Picture the scene. 2018. Denise's liver packs up. It's your fault.

Ok I basically just snuck out of the seminar I was in 15 mins early so I'm in time for the first eviction! I'm going to get the fucking sack! But all I was thinking about was Big Brother, anyway. Fucking hell, man. My career is going down the toilet. And for what?
A lot of things are wrong with this situation. I can't turn the telly up loud enough in this hotel room. The telly is really tiny. The contrast is buggered. I can't move my netbook because there's no wireless connection and the cable is too short. Oh, and twins just got evicted. I'm going to get the sack and it's just to see my winners evicted NOW. Not happy.
This is because I didn't vote today, isn't it? I was the only one keeping them alive! This is total turkey monkey. I'm all on edge and sad. WHY! Whhhhhhhhhhyyyyy?
Jesus, look at three of your final four! Denise, Frankie, Gareth... are you proud of yourselves? I hate it when Big Brother doesn't go my way. Generally, it goes my way. My hopes went up big time when Kirk and Natalie were shown the door, which is why I think this hurts so much.
Has Brian got loads of make up on or is the contrast on my TV completely fugged? Someone please shoot the morons shouting 'off'. It's making me REALLY angry. I am ashamed of my country.
I'm surprised the twins are cool with them showing pantsgate. I hate the way they're being interviewed. I love the fact they're not backing down. This is depressing viewing because of the crowd. Brian needs a cattle prod. I like the fact the twins said they became closer. They don't need anyone else. When you share the same womb, and the same bed with Hef, some idiots in tracksuits calling you slag don't really matter. You're determined!
Please, please, public pile your money on Michael. I don't think I can watch this otherwise. Oh God. I feel like crying. Is this normal? I like that split screen but this result is whack. Michael is OUT!
I can't stand Denise, Frankie or Gareth. There's never EVER been a final three I hated. Never.
I'm really glad I didn't leave my seminar just now (ie when I was supposed to) and come out to Michael and the twins being gone or I would probably have slit my wrists in the bath.
Honestly, I have had such a stressful day. Am I out of touch? I'm out of touch, aren't I? I'm GLADLY out of touch, though.
I've never felt so depressed about a final ever. This is so rubbish. I've got an en-suite bath. I'm going to have a bath during Gareth's non-interview. I honestly don't care who wins. Denise wins: vindication for being an alcoholic mess. Frankie wins: vindication for being a sexist div. Gareth wins: a victory for fencesitting. Seriously, how to choose between them? OK, I'm going to. FRANKIE TO WIN. There. I'd rather a sexist idiot won it than a drunken old mess or a boring nothingy non-celebrity.
Michael's interview was criminally short. He's a funny man, a real character, the closest thing to a celebrity we had in there, and they chose DENISE over him.
I have a 12 hour day tomorrow. I've not had a drink. There's nothing for me to eat here, like not one thing. The LEAST you could have done is thrown me a BB crumb.
I'm THRILLED Gareth is out next. At least a 'controversial' character will win now, rather than someone's ugly dad.
I bet ratings dropped dramatically after Michael's interview. My only friends on Facebook still watching it turned over.
Well done, Gareth. The most interesting thing you did in the house was dress up as a bit of sushi. Aw, he loves his mum. They could use Gareth's 'best bits' as an insomnia cure.
Normally at this point in a BB final my hearts pounding and I'm getting to jump around the room. As it is, I'm planning what I'm going to have for breakfast tomorrow.
Digital Spy's BB forum has also been down pretty much all night! So I don't even have anyone to complain to!
I'm probably less pleased about the prospect of Denise winning than I was about Ulrika winning. At least Ulrika didn't sexually assault or persistently harrass someone.
Does Denise get a trowel instead of a sponge with her foundation? She looks like she's come as a ventriloquist's dummy. I don't think Frankie should be allowed to wear sunglasses on eviction night.
I feel nothing about Denise winning. Nothing! I don't feel sad, angry, happy, any emotion I want to feel about my Big Brother winner.
I can't hear Frankie, is his mic fucked? Along with Digital Spy, and the general public's collective brain? Oh well, nevermind, I doubt if he has anything of interest to say. I've seen it all before anyway: birds, shagging, Danny Dyer. That's the lump sum of his personality.
And so people I actually like on Twitter are going 'yesssssss' about Denise winning, and I'm thinking, why? She's 50 odd, acts like she's 17, gets her boobs out, oversteps personal boundaries, hounds people trying to have five minutes on their own, gets annoyed when people aren't endlessly fascinated with her showbiz tales, and then cries for sympathy. Wow, what a winner. I'm really proud right now.
My friend JOTV just said 'Denise is a laugh' but in my opinion Denise is a laugh like David Brent is a laugh, she's someone to be laughed AT, not with. I find her quite tragic. I thought she'd come out of the house and take a good hard look at her behaviour. Instead, she's been REWARDED for being an old soak. It's topsy-turvy! Normally at the end of a series, you get some sort of vindication or sense of satisfaction. This just feels like a punch in the face.
Yeah go have a drink, Denise. And when Denise dies of liver cancer in five years time, let's just remember those laughs. You could have stopped that. You could have put her in rehab. You could have saved her!
I think the thing that offends me most about Denise is really, she's just someone's mum, which is fine, but surely our reality TV winners should be something more than that. She's just like someone you work with who gets on your nerves a bit. What has she done to win? Really? She's just everything I don't like in a person; lewd, contrived, desperate for people to like her. It's just the exact opposite of what I want in a winner.
Maybe I just outgrew Big Brother? I read Just 17 for about five years longer than I should have. I read NME for about five years longer than I should have. Maybe it's time to pack those childish things away and start watching Strictly.
Ha! No, it's just time for the British public to go read a book or go on a course and stop worshipping MORONS.
Night, and thanks for reading. Love you really.

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