Thursday, 5 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Launch show

Warning! This blog is homophobic, then sexist, then racist. But as it's all bases covered, I think it cancels itself out. If not, arrest me for hate crimes. I'll go quietly.
Why, Big Brother, back so soon? Thank God, my blog's been deader than the Brand nuptials. Brian is looking quite chic in his leather gloves.
They're getting on with it quick, I love it! No turgid trawls around the house. Davina, you're a dim and distant memory. The house looks good from the little they've shown.
First up: Natalie Cassidy. Trumpet times. I hope they're putting her ex in as well, restraining order permitting. I used to think she was alright but then I watched a show with her in and she was insufferable. What weight is she now, as that's the only currency she sells magazines in. Do you think she's as famous as it's going to get? I do.
They've called her to the Diary Room (DR secret task at the ready!) I hope they're going to give her a trumpet and force her to say she takes it everywhere with her. Oh they've given her an ear piece and they're going to embarrass her. Well she's an actress, she should be able to handle it.
JLO is advertising Fiat now? Ok.
Is Michael Madsen a big druggie, or is that the other one who's dead? Tom Sizemore would have been good. Is he the dead one? I saw him on Celeb Rehab a while back. This guy should be good, looks like he's going to take some names. Loving his blond highlights! Super.
Brian seems to be stuck in an 'I like it' loop. Quick, replace his batteries, or failing that, pull his string.
Lovely shirt Michael's got on. I think Sonia is ingratiating himself with him. I've decided to just call her Sonia, it's easier. Welcome pack times! Michael: 'it's a good gig'. He's here for the cash, obv. Friends with Vinnie Jones? I hope he's not going to commandeer the kitchen and get beaten by a snowman-destroying orange bonehead like the V man. Actually, that was ace.
OMG Andrew (gall) Stone! Really? I can't stand this twonk. That really is beyond the pale. He's already said about fifteen cliches in a row. A tenner on MM to knock his block off. Do you mind if I call Michael Madsen MM because I always have to think how to spell Michael, it's like a mental hole in my brain. Let's do nicknames for everyone, that won't be confusing, will it? Looks like they've been using the same Sun-In as him, too. Andrew actually looks better than I've ever seen him look before. He is a total bender though, I don't care what anyone says. I just ran the phrase 'total bender' past a member of the LGBT community and apparently it's completely unacceptable, even when you use it about a closet case. I take it back. I actually feel like Andrew's a bit low rent for Big Brother. Low rent for Big Brother! Can you imagine?
Brian: 'I like that!' Is he nervous or what? I hope someone's told him off in the break.
Next up are some siblings who have both sucked Hugh Hefner's grisly old cock. Their noses look a bit peculiar, too. I'm sure they're lovely girls, though. Great personalities.
Hold on, why didn't BB make Sonia have a go at Andrew Stone? Too easy?
I bet those twins have never seen someone as ugly as Natalie Cassidy. They normally have to get paid to hang around people that disgusting. Well they're getting paid, but at least they're not having to fuck someone for it.
Frankie is going to wind me up something chronic but he's going to be an entertaining housemate because of that. Tonight's going to be a good, good night! Shagging birds! Phwoar! Skinny jeans! Boooooooo! I think he might even be too much of a caricature for me to get annoyed with him. It's like getting annoyed at Rugrats.
Frankie: 'I'm not fussy.' LOL. That must be a comfort to all the 'birds' he's 'shagged'.
Michael to Frankie: 'that's quite a hairdo you've got there.' Indeed.
Andrew Stone smarming up to Frankie Cocozza must be a new low on NATIONAL television. Desperation!
Natalie is actually being a good sport. OK, I'll call her Natalie whilst she's being cool, when she's being a dick again, it's back to Sonia, and back on the naughty step with the trumpet. Kissing Frankie! Well, he said he wasn't fussy.
The two Barbies look stiff as a board. You probably have to stick some money in a slot at the back of their necks every half an hour to reanimate them.
Well, so far in this blog I've been homophobic and sexist. Hopefully they'll put a black person in in a minute so I can do the full Diane Abbott.
The line up is actually looking quite good so far.
Ah, the first outwardly gay rugby player. He can give Andrew a talking to about coming out of the closet. Sportspeople aren't very interesting though, are they? It's all about eating raw eggs and having to win everything. I can't be bothered with it. Him and Michael to chum up as the alpha males.
I think Brian is on a secret host task to say he loves everything, bless him. He's cracking under the pressure.
I HATE Nicola Mclean. Anorexic, thick, bitchy, acrylic hair, she's just a waste of what little space she's still taking up. I can't STAND people who don't let their husbands see them without their make-up on, crazy Stepford wife behaviour. I like the fact Nicola called Natalie 'Sonia from Eastenders', though. The ultimate diss. Still, at least 'Sonia from Eastenders' is a real job that requires talent. I don't like the impression that Nicola made already coming in and 'fuming' about not being given booze. What a harridan.
They should have made Natalie say something nasty to Nicola like 'your tan is streaky' or 'your boob job is really good.' I think Natalie really hates her. And who wouldn't? Is Sonia going to end up becoming my hero?
You could tell MM liked Frankie as soon as he came in. You know when you just see someone and know they're a bit of rough like you? I think it was like that.
I don't know who people off TOWIE are because if I want to watch bad acting, I just stick Eastenders on and wait for a Moon to come on the screen. I hate the fact these Towie people are on everything because they're thick and uninteresting. It was bad enough when we had to suffer through Jack Tweed and his magnetic armpit of a personality.
Next up is the Bobby Sable of the group, Kim Kardashian lookalike 'swimwear model' someone something or other. Did Brian Dowling just call her 'it'? He's on fire tonight, he's more offensive than I am! My boyfriend just said Brian 'looks like a murderer from the 1800s in that outfit.'
Too many dolly 'birds' in that house. Where are the intellectuals?! Failing that, where's the male totty? (My principles are reasonably flexible)
They've changed the bath. It's not 'the shape of an egg t.m' anymore!
It's going to be like Heathers in there with all the Barbie's teaming up against Natalie's natural grotbagsness. Fight the plastics!
A few Big Brother topics are finally trending on Twitter! It's a miracle.
Next up: Natasha Giggs. Is she a celebrity? Booooooo, burn the witch! Slut! Etc. It IS wrong that someone is 'famous' for sleeping with someone. But it's BB who's put her in there. And what's wronger will be the outpouring of anti-female hate we'll have to hear for the next three weeks. At least she looks like a real person. LOL her mum has to tape it and censor it before her babies see it 'because they don't need to know about Uncle Ryan' says my boyfriend. The hate is beginning right on this sofa!
LOL to Nicola going 'I shouldn't have made judgements'. Her feet must be getting tired from all that back-peddling.
I thought Romeo from So Solid Crew was Alesha Dixon's ex. But that's Harvey. Harvey is a hottie. This guy, not so much. OK here's my final offensive thing for the full house: how come black people can say 'tasks' but not 'ask'? Have I taken it too far now? I will issue a full Twitter apology tomorrow. No I'll issue it right now. I'm not a racist!
Romeo's real name is Marvin Dawkins. Ace. I will endeavour to call him that from time to time. He seems very charming. 21 seconds to go, etc.
What did MM just whisper to Romeo? 'There's a lot of chickens in here...' Romeo: 'say no more'. The plot thickens! I loved that exchange.
That's mean of Big Brother to say to Natalie 'tell them you do a lot of modelling'. She looked really embarrassed. I don't like them humiliating her like that, it's unnecessary as she probably feels self-conscious in that house full of dollies anyway. Slapped wrist, BB. I love the blank looks from the Americans about Eastenders. Sonia: 'Eastenders is like Dallas.'
Denise Welch! I know for a FACT she's still a massive cokehead. Don't ask me how I know, but I know someone who knows. *taps nose* Allegedly, in case she sues me. I hope that's not real fur. It doesn't really look like it as it's a bit ratty, hardly Kelly Rowland-esque (I'm still joking, I don' t support animal cruelty, or racism, or oppression in any form. Except against Towie cast members.)
They should make Natalie say something mean about Denise's coat. Aw, holding hands is too cute. Let the chickens cluck! I'm surprised no one has twigged she's on a task. I think Natalie did brilliant. She's earned her keep. Crying is not that weird in the Big Brother house. Rebeckah (remember her?) cried when she first walked in. I can see Natalie and Denise being mates. They're both common as muck.
This flashback at the end is weird. It's been so good this season! Nah, the line up is alright, but could have done with one handsome indie boy. Now where is that crumb of live feed they've promised us?

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