Big Brother 11: Launch Night (before your very eyes)

I was 19 years old when Big Brother first started; almost a child. My twenties just finished, and aptly, Big Brother is folding now, too. It's time to move onto adult things. It's time to grow up.
Ha, fuck that! I read an interview in Heat where Davina said 'never say never' about moving to a different channel to present BB, which made me feel oddly hopeful. Five must be scouting for it. They aren't afraid to churn out a tired old formula; they show Home and Away every day.
So here it is, our last stand. Let's meet our new friends and enemies. I am watching this on the PLUS ONE! Unacceptable, I know.
What's all this about 80 people or so waiting to be picked? Doesn't that guarantee a few duds? Couldn't they pick 12 decent people themselves?
It's weird seeing the house in daylight! BB launches should take place under the cover of darkness.
Ooh the house looks really nice. I like the swirliness of the walls and the bedroom looks really plush. ZOLTAR. PARROT. Ooh, look at the whirlpool and the nest. The nest looks super comfy. They've spent a few quid on it this year. Why have they made the tree of temptation into a chest of drawers, but they are still calling it the tree of temptation? They should call it the chest of coercion. The diary room chair is pretty but too small. I prefer the ones where they can have a pile up in it.
1st in. Josie. Mrs. Justin Lee Collins. 25? She looks frumpy. She looks like she's wearing her mum's dress. I said to my boyfriend 'is that dress unflattering or has she got a huge arse?' and he said 'both'.
2nd. Steve, one of those soldiers the BB producers mawkishly recruited. Looks like England fan. Did he just say he had eight kids? 'What you see is what you get'. Well, in that case, can I have my money back? He's just Mario with a limp.
I don't understand this format. Is the live crowd not being shown the footage of the housemates going in (because the new housemates aren't allowed to see it?) I'd feel pretty jibbed if I'd gone down for that.
I don't get this 81 people thing at all. If they're already chosen, what's the point? There better be a twist, but BB just probably just got confused. I HATE the fact they all know each other, it's not 'quite nice'; Davina. it's rubbish. The whole point is WE watch them getting to know each other, idiot. The producers still don't fucking know their arse from their elbow.
Ben. 'Welcome to my lair'. AT LAST a good housemate. DOSS PAD. Mannequins! Is he 4 realz? He's got to be gay. 'Some sort of prison designed by Boy George'! Boy George has had the inspiration, anyway. My boyfriend said 'he obviously had that written down weeks ago'. Who cares? I LIKE BEN. BEN FTW. Mind you, his competition is dreadful so far.
Next: Rachael. I said 'Fiona Lewis' and my boyfriend said 'Feyonce' so I'll leave you to work that one out. She just seems like a dullard.
That fairground music does not have the required gravitas. Next in Nathan. Jack Branning on the Slim Fast diet. A lad's lad. I look forward to him missing the World Cup. Are we going to get anyone good looking in there?
Ad break! Cheryl Cole and that lipgloss advert. There's not a lip gloss on the planet you could bite on your lips and not come away with it on your teeth, you lying harpy. I recognise all this advert music, that car music and that hair gel advert. Peculiar.
The house isn't in the same place as normal, is it? I see trees, I see grass.
Next: Dave. Oh God, not more Christians. Heavenly intoxication and bliss bashes; sounds like a gay hardcore night. BOO to the God botherer.
Caohme. (I think I misspelt this) She looks cool in her sunglasses. Urgh, I don't like these names I can't spell and that you pronounce differently. She seems like more of a normal person and not an airhead. She's quite attractive.
Govan. Gay? I liked the way he said 'funny'. He seems quite sweet but I think he could go either way; he'll either be dead cool or a total nightmare.
I like the carpet. I like all the house. The Davina wallpaper is a nice touch, too. Shame about the housemates.
Shabby is in next. I thought she was a bloke. She's a Kitten type. I preferred her when I thought she was a boy. She's a lesbian. SHOCKING. (as Dr Drew would say). Oh God, I'm getting shades of Shabnam. And that's not a good thing. Just pure fakery.
Next: Ife! My friend saw someone with a bag that was masquerading as Miffy the bunny rabbit and called it 'Iffy'. That's a good joke. I wonder who she's not going to get on with. FIANCEE, is my bet. Borin'. Ben looked how I felt.
John. Looks like a boil-in-the-bag boyband member. Australian. Does he like Neighbours? His clothes look BRAND NEW. Zzzz.
Sunshiiiiiiiiiine! She looks like Lady Gaga crossed with Kate Walsh. Beware the person who says they like having intellectual conversations. She was trying overly hard to be kooky but there's something I like about her. It was weird the way she just sat down and shook hands with people, like she didn't know where to put herself.
Corin is next. FJORDAN. Corin/Fjordan is really ORANGE. I couldn't hear anything she said because they obviously fucked up the mikes and all you could hear was Davina going 'does anyone have a tissue?' Corin could have said she was a child molester for all I know.
Adverts. IAN WRIGHT WRIGHT WRIGHT! God this football thing is INTERMINABLE. DROP DEAD ALL WHO SAIL IN IT!
Last time they picked a housemate at random we got that dreary old cunt Suzie, so not holding out much hope for this wildcard. Mini Mario! He looks very happy at least. I like him, he looks geeky and green. Mario can't read! Aw, I want to see his entrance video.
There was literally an advert break about 10 seconds ago. GUESS WHAT CUNTS NOT EVERYONE LIKES FOOTBALL! DIE. Oh and now for a perfume ad. That's OK then. I don't think I want to smell like Fergie. The smell of the crack den! YUM.
The first night tasks really suck shit. Davina's jokes are dreadful. It feels arduous. Yet still we cling.
I don't think the people they've chosen are as good as last year. We just have to hope the interesting people don't get binned first. Stay tuned.