Saturday, 15 October 2011

The X Factor - Love & Heartache

Well last week's twist was pretty rubbish, wasn't it? It's left us with a bunch of old duffers in the competition and cut decent or fun people like Amelia or 2 shoes.
Nu Vibe on first? They really are being punished for last week, aren't they? See ya!
Did Tulisa just say she can't stand Dappy? Lol. Join the queue.
How can they make With or Without You more palatable? Well, taking Bono off helps. But this is duff. I wonder what 2 shoes would have done this week? Why are they always giving Nu Vibe rubbishy dance tunes? My boyfriend has renamed them 'No Direction'. Where's the cute one? Gary stole Louis's 'no vibe' joke.
I think whoever is styling Tulisa is mates with Cheryl Cole, because they're making her look like crap every week. Last week it was the two-tone highlights, this week a harsh black bun. She looks like she's off to a Greek funeral. I wouldn't mind if she was actually a good judge, but she's not, I've heard more concise criticism round the water cooler.
Why is Sammi going on about her weight? Shouldn't it be about the singing? And why do they make her up to look so old? She looked young and fresh faced in the clip before, but they've made her look like an old granny.
I wish Kelly Rowland would 'put it down'. Gary is so po-faced, what a miserable fuck. It makes me sick all this love for him, he just comes across like a curmudgeon with none of the charm or grace of Simon. My boyfriend has declared him 'Gary Cropper' but I think that's a bit harsh on Roy. At least he's loveable. I think Gary needs to get off that diet and let his hair down a bit. Since when did he become the elder statesman of pop, anyway? Fucking hell, next year they'll probably stick H from Steps (aka Donny Tourette's stepladder) on the judging panel and expect me to eat it. 'Oh H, please put me through! I really want to meet Lee Latchford-Evans' at the judges house stage!'
That song Craig did was rubbish. I like him but he's a bit overrated. I'm not surprised that song was Beyonce. I have a gene that makes me hate every song she's ever put her name to.
Oh piss off with your sob story about liking heavy metal music, Janet. I don't like her performances at all, she just leaves me cold. But I might as well get used to it as she's going to be in for a long time.
Frankie was awful! I love that Coldplay song, and it normally makes me cry, but it showed up the weaknesses in his voice really badly. They took out all the drama and build up in that song, too. Swagger fail, lol.
Johnny at least brings a bit of light to the competition, and I liked 'vogue' and 'you can rub my lamp anytime'. It really is a miracle to make Barlow crack a smile, he's concentrating so hard on looking sour/sexy, which he isn't, and I speak with some conviction, because I used to fancy him in the 90s.
I love Marcus, but that song was dreary. I hope it doesn't put him in jeopardy.
(My computer died for a while so I'm playing catch up, as Roy Walker says).
I really like Rhythmix, I think they're fun and cute, and a bit of a mess vocally, but in a good way. They're like cartoon characters.
Mischa has come as a Quality Street. I said to my boyfriend 'do you recognise this song? It's Charlie and Eddie.' and he goes, 'Oh, that used to be a good song.'
The Risk are perfectly pleasant. I'm already bored by them.
Sophie should have gone last week, yo. Amelia was a lot more exciting and interesting than her (well, she was before they sucked all her natural style out of her, and left her with bedraggled pink hair and frosted lipstick, crying).
At least they gave Sophie a fringe, she needed one. But they've made her look so duff and mumsy. Why can't they make teenagers look a bit cool? It's like they take their natural style and suck it out of them and put it back together like your mum buying you a grotesque jumper and saying 'this is your sort of thing isn't it?' Sophie can sing, but she's got no X Factor.
What's the point in hating Kitty? Everyone knows a Kitty. You just let them get on with it. I like her antagonism towards people booing her. She should go on Celeb Big Brother. She looks rather botoxed. Isn't she only 28? She should have done Hyperballad by Bjork instead. No one can EVER do It's Oh So Quiet as well as Janice Battersby did on Stars in Their Eyes once. That was TV gold. I thought Kitty's version was quite good, too, actually. I'd take her over Janet any day.

No comments: