Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Launch Night

So it's back. Hurrah! Jade couldn't kill it with her mightly, ugly mouth. Davina wearing Pete Burns old coat. Davina's tour of the house; zzzz. Do we care about the tokens? No. Nice throws, though.
La Toya. That other Jackson dude was pretty dull so why would this one be any different? They are so desperate for publicity but have nothing to offer except funny noses and a creepy upbringing. I'd rather see some dumbass page 3 girl in there (which I'm sure will happen). Note: very grating laugh.
Mutya! I reckon she'll be alright. At least she has a personality. Leg tattoos! Why not? I wouldn't fuck with her.
Mini Me makes me feel a bit sick. Isn't he in a porno? He's my least favourite dwarf; I prefer the one in Bad Santa. Got a cheer just cos he's a midget! Special entrance! Aw. I've warmed to him already. Don't patronise him Davina, he's small, not stupid (well he could be stupid, I'll keep my options open).
Tommy. Scottish politician. PVC bondage gear. Only one of these things is interesting, and it's the one that's not true (allegedly). Lucy Pinder. Oh, the dumbass I spoke of. A tory page 3 girl! Double idiot. 2 a-levels?! I take it all back, the girl is a genius.
Why are they all obsessed with reading that card when they come in? Oh, so they don't have to talk to each other, right.
Next, Ben Adams from A5. I'd be more excited if they had a member of Bewitched in there. Curtained charisma void.
Tina from Shameless. Mentioned she was fat twice. Yeah, we can see you, you don't need to announce it. I don't watch it. I'm not that impressed with these celebrities so far. How long before someone describes her as bubbly? Bring on Ulrika-ka-ka-ka!
Next up was Coolio. He looks a bit rough. His eyeballs look a wee bit boggly. I hate to cast aspersions but I'd say there were a few drugs available in the Gangsta's Paradise. Weird mask/ condom type thing on his head.
Michelle Heaton! Everyone's least favourite Liberty X-er. Actually, she was more famous to me for trying to force her boyfriend to marry her via the pages of OK for about 3 years (even dressing up in wedding dresses, I seem to recall- subtle!) When she finally pushed him into it; it lasted about ten minutes. I think she'll be good value; she was knickerless and pissed on celebrity Come Dine With Me and that was a mere 60 minutes. She was the first interesting housemate since Mutya.
Terry Christian is alright. I always kind of liked him. I wonder what he's been doing all this time? He still looks quite young. What are they booing him for? Bring on the zombies to eat the chavs! I predict an early winner.
And finally, Ulrika-ka-ka-ka. Sven-shagger extraordinaire. My mum HATES Ulrika, cos she fancies John Leslie. I think John Leslie is a creepy cunt and I liked Ulrika from Shooting Stars days (that special was good the other night, wasn't it?) She looks kind of skinny and bloated-faced and weird in the clip, but good when she faced the crowd. I think she'll be OK.
And that's it. A crushing disappointment as always, but give it a day or two to settle, and there'll either be a race riot or a fist-fight, fingers crossed.