Thursday, 22 August 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Launch night

There I was moaning about too much Big Brother, then on the two days it wasn't on, I got bored. I miss Dexter, ha. I don't like the celeb version as much as the normal version, but hey ho.
Let's see what A list stars they've got lined up, then.
First up, Louis Spence. I cannot STAND him! His lisp drives me nuts. Bring back Andrew Stone! He's enough to turn a gay man straight. No 'scrote hanging out though', so that's something. Are they going to put in Jim Davidson next? I heard he got off his sex charges.
Ha to Louis going 'Thank God they got rid of the eco shit' and tidying up!
OMG Lauren Harries is next. She gets on my nerves. I used to like her when I was a kid and she was the little antiques dude. She looks so old! How old is she? She needs to sort that lippy out. Who's next, Helen Lederer? Some other person of BOTS we don't like? Fuck me, look at her boobs! She's got Big Brother eye earrings. Illuminati. Lauren 'are you single and ready to mingle'? Let's hope not.
Well, so far I hate these two people. I think my boyfriend just said 'imagine if you fancied Lauren Harries'? I'll get him to clarify this comment later on our podcast.
I feel like Sophie Anderton has already been in there. Oh, she was the jungle. I think she was a cow. 'You may remember me for the Wonderbra advert.' No, most people who've heard of you remember you from being a coke head. I don't think jungle people should be allowed in BB. It's like Corrie and Eastenders. Never the twain shall meet. Ugh, I hate everyone. If I was Sophie and I walked down those stairs and saw that pair I'd walk back up again.
Louis has clearly been watching the show as he knows about the eco stuff and knows where the Diary Room is. Ooh, they've jazzed up the DR chair. It's gone gold. I'm laughing at Louis is despite myself.
Lauren doesn't know what a cult is. It's where you go to drink the Kool Aid. Give her an extra large cup.
Louis is obsessed with cushions! Louis knows about the illuminati. OMG they're putting robes on. Are they going to drink some babies blood?
Louis 'doesn't drink normally.' I'm officially watching how much he drinks from now on.
OMG Les and Janice! Where's the horse fleece?! Are they one housemate?! Don't let Les drink, he's an alkie! I saw him on Jeremy Kyle recently. Where's Rosie Webster? Where's Chris Fountain? Put your money down now on Les getting kicked out. Oh, they are individual housemates! Janice FTW. I can't stand him but I like her.
Janice is impressed with the Aga. They don't have those in Corrie.
Next in is Courtney Stodden. I don't even know who her husband is, let alone her. She's missed her lips with the lipstick. I like the American housemates, though. She's going to be confused by Les and Janice. She looks emaciated. She looks like she's going to topple over with those boobs. Why is she getting booed? She seems to be having a problem with her boobs. I think they're trying to escape. OMG you can see her knick knocks! Wow. Keep it classy.
LOL to Janice telling her she had lipstick on her teeth! What a trouper. I heart Janice. My boyfriend is moaning about the people. But the people are always shit. What is he expecting?
ABZ! Of 5ive fame. He said he a sugar mommy on the Big Reunion. Why does he talk like a 12 year old boy? He doesn't like people talking shit? Curious. He's got an eye on his t-shirt too! Not liking his facial hair. Ha to him saying he needs the money and lives with his Auntie. He does not, he lives on a farm! 'I'm from a pop band.'
Aw, it made Courtney feel bad being booed. Why are we making guests in our country feel bad? Courtney's hair is like candyfloss.
Why aren't the cult leaders saying anything? Or I can't hear them saying anything. Lauren doesn't appear to be saying a word.
Who the fuck is Danielle Marr? Johnny's bad enough. Dexter is more famous than her. What the hell is Dublin Wives? I hope they evict her. She seems like an arsehole and she looks like Claire from Steps' mum. She looks like she's got a bridesmaid dress on. But the bride hates her.
Next up is Screech from Saved by the Bell ie. Dustin Diamond. Wasn't he in a porno? I am too young for Saved by the Bell. He looks very different to when he was younger. He's going to struggle to understand what Abz is saying. I sure do.
I like Janice's hair colour. She does look skinny!
The cult lot are not even watching this show, they're talking about bloody eye masks!
I don't watch Geordie Shore so I don't know who Charlotte Crosby is. I liked her 'orifices' speech! She seems like a good laugh, haha. Peeing, shitting, pubes. She's like the opposite of Mary Berry. I think she's got bladder incontinence. She could be the new face of Tena Lady. 'She doesn't ever wear a bra'. She needs to. They'll be round her ankles!
Janice is being rude about Charlotte already! They've given them warm booze? How rude. Stick it in the freezer. Like Jay McKray's poo.
Oh no, it's someone from TOWIE. Just what we need - another Kirk Norcross. At least I know who Arg is. I don't know who this guy is. He looks like he's dressed as a bridegroom. He'll get on well with that bridesmaid. He's not doing very well with the questioning. 'I'm a mummy's boy.' OK then.
Lauren Harries is good, isn't she! She could be the new Spiedi at this rate.
Oh Lord, when Carol McGiffin is one of the most famous people in the house, you're really screwed. At least she's better that Denise Welch. Mind you, that's not hard. Carol is modelling a dress from the hunchback collection. LOL she's drunk! She's acting the goat. I think she's on coke. She rubbed her nose as well!
Everyone is calling Dustin 'Justin'.
I can't hear a word the people in the 'safe house' or whatever it is are saying.
Finally it's Ron Atkinson. Does he really need the money? I can't stand football so I'm not interested. I could see him and Bruce teaming up and being a pair of old misery guts. Didn't he get pulled up for saying something racist and/or sexist? Or am I confusing him with some other fusty old football dude?
No one is even saying hi to people when they walk in! How rude.
This is a bunch of bullshit.
Ron Atkinson and Mario look like they're going to be firm friends. Kill me now.
Oh here's the 'twist'. Who's the most famous housemates? What scale are we using? I'd say Ron and Les or Janice. Then Carol.
Oh they've gone for Les and Janice. Geordie Shore isn't happy. They've got to sleep in the garden. Is that the best they've got? Janice and Les should be used to sleeping together.
Oh, dear. I am not liking this lot AT ALL. Who is there to root for? I have a bad feeling about this series. I don't feel excited! Shame as the cast for the 'civilian' series was so good, except the winner, obviously. Not that I'm still bitter! Listen to our podcast in an hour or so for a wrap up the real Big Brother and some bile about this bunch of dickheads.

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