|Battle of the cocks.|
They have painted the house GOLD because they are CELEBS. Have they fucking hoovered, and to Jason's (yes he won it two days ago, remember?) exact EU specifications?
First up, Christopher Biggins. Kind of feels like he's already been in there, but I know that's cross-pollination from the jungle. You shouldn't be allowed to go on CBB if you've been in the jungle, or vice versa, IMO. That's my reality rule. Who's gonna be top gay dog, Biggins or Grande?
Oh they've brought back Marcus telling us about each housemate. I hope they've tidied up the house cos the last lot left it like utter tramps.
Oh God, not another Loose Woman. Saira Khan. She seems like one of the less objectionable ones, but that's like being one of the least objectionable Nazis. They must be running out of Loose Women to put in. They need to start genetically modifying them.
Frankie Grande; well, he was on a season of BBUS, BB16 if you want to watch (and you should). He's Ariana Grande's brother, don't you know? If not, he'll tell you a billion times. He's also a known cunt. SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A FRANKIE! Catchphrase alert. I don't really know what to say about Frankie. You'll see. Ha, my friend Dawn said she read something about Frankie and gang rape. I think that's when he said the Zingbot was going to fuck someone, but I can't remember who it was. Christine? I digress. PROPS! But what about that time he won the Battle of the Block single-handedly? That was the best. Now I just want to mention Derrick Lavasseur and Cody and Zach and Caleb but it means NOTHING to anyone, so I'll just shh. But UK people should really watch BBUS, it's fuckin' amazing.
Next up is Fatboy aka Ricky. What did he do to get in the press (in a bad way)? I always liked Fatboy in Eastenders. He was one of the only likeable things in it.
Renee. 'Who doesn't fucking like to swear, it sounds better!' Yes! OMG she's a Mafia wife who's husband because a cocksucker. I think she's threatening to kill people in her VT. Strong VT game. She's going to be good value, I can tell.
Ugh someone off Geordie Shore, Marnie: just shoot me. They all TALK THE SAME. She's bisexual and 'quite classy'. Is that relative to the human race, or the Geordie Shore cast? Mind you, she'll have to stoop pretty low to reach the level of half-human half-dog previous CBB winner and shitty sheet merchant Scotty T.
Next in is James someone, I have no clue. A broadcaster? I have never seen him before in my life. Apparently he saved someone from suicide on air, but he's just coming off a a sexist twat. He's 'not going into the house to have people shouting at him and saying ridiculous things.' Where do you normally go? He's got first boot/ ejected written all over him. 'Please vote me out soon.' Ha. The new Ron Atkinson.
Next in is Aubrey someone from some band I've never heard of. She's 32 so she gets botox. OK. She doesn't want to see Donald Trump in the house. I don't think Endemol has that much clout. She wants to be 'stimulated' by her housemates. Well they all seem gay or old so far, so good luck. NO MALE HOTTIES.
Next is someone from Ex on the Beach called Bear. He looks like a little tit. He's famous for 'kissing all the birds.' He's not the 'cleverest'. He believes the 'world is flat.' Bring back Tila Tequila! I LOVED it when he said 'lump all your money on me to win at 12/1.' Hilarity. Why is he wearing a Hawaiian shirt? He's milking it somewhat. He's a mighty douche.
Next in is Katie Waissel from X Factor. That was soooo long ago. Is she really a celeb? Having said that, she'll probably be OK, I'd imagine she has a screw loose. But she's married now so may be boring.
Next is Lewis from TOWIE. Geordie Shore, Ex on the Beach and TOWIE? You're spoiling us! Ugh. Talking about 'nicking a bird.' God, look at the state of this guy. I'm actually feeling sorry for Frankie Grande at this point. How is he going to understand these people? I'm not sure I can. Emma has to put up with too much sexual harrassment in her role as host! Justice for Emma.
OMG Grant Bovey! MONEY. He's looking like Darren Day. Rats and snakes take the same form. I wanna see Grant Bovey and Frankie either butt heads or make toast. Grant Bovey is one of those people you can't just call Grant, it has to be Grant Bovey. He stroked Frankie Grande's scales. OMG. I liked him asking everyone if they 'know what they're doing.' I doubt it.
Chloe Khan is a Playboy playmate and was also on X Factor. Join the club. Slug lips, annoying voice. I like 'If you don't get booed you must be ugly anyway.' Good reverse psychology. But then she got cheered! Mindgames.
Next in is someone off Storage Hunters called Heavy D (I think, I stopped concentrating at this point). This is a barrel scrape. What next, someone off Homes Under the Hammer? His lime green ice cream print suit is something else. Spectacular. He seems ANNOYING AS FUCK. He's deffo gonna clash with Biggins. I can see him sizing him up already.
Final housemate is Sam Fox. She KNOWS HERSELF. She looks good, if a bit like Sharon off Eastenders. I reckon she's gonna team up with Biggins. Watch this space.
Is that it? Hmm, who can I root for? Mafia woman, Frankie Grande... shit. I'm going to have to root for Frankie Grande. FUCK. Jesus save me.
Oooh secret Head of Household. Frankie, please. I just voted for him on the app. 'You tube sensation'. Bhahahaa. He's a social media mogul!
I like the way they're deciding on the 'secret boss' during the silent disco. Hilarious. OMG it's Biggins. WHY! Was cool the way they did that, I liked it. I also like Biggins rainbow/animal print striped shirt. Him and Henry are gonna have some serious BEEF!
OMG they're telling all the other housemates! They have to wind Biggins up to get nominated! OMG it's actually a good twist. BUT THE REAL TASK IS becomes decent! I can't believe it. A good first night twist. I mean, the housemates are shit. But a good twist. It's a start, isn't it.