Sunday, 10 July 2016

Big Brother UK 2016: No honour amongst (milk) thieves

Just thinking.
The warning boasts of 'vomiting and sexual scenes' which I hope happen at the same time for maximum thrills.
So there's four female housemates and eight male housemates. Good work, great British public, you sexist gits.
Jayne: '25 years ago I could have had Alex.' Gross.
Evelyn has got post-awkward cuddle with Alex regret. OMG her arse out on his lap. Dear me. The thing is, if they were outside the house, he'd bang her, he's just so caught up on his public perception (like Jason) that he doesn't want to do it in the house. Transparent. Ooh, a friend on Twitter just speculated that Alex is gay. It would certainly explain a lot and why he's twitching about his funeral speeches etc if he's that deep in the closet.
Hughie and Ryan are shoring up their alliance. Good stuff. Hughie has kind of fat fingers. Weird, cos he's not fat. Actually, I got sight of him a little later, and he has done a bit of a Jade Goody (not not racially abused a visitor to this country, put on a little weight in the house). RIP.
How were the teams picked for this sports day? Ghetto slide! BB staple. AND spin the bottle is coming up later. Win/win. Puking?! Blerrrrrgggghhh! I can't actually watch these tasks. Barf zone. I'm putting these tabards on the eek list. Insert 'Evelyn's good at swallowing' joke here- if you're a sexist, that is. Chicken feet! Marcellas flashback. Bleuuurrrghhh. I know who would be good/bad at this task: Gordon Ramsey.
Now they are racing in a 'sack full of horse manure'. How much did the task team spend on that mess? I'd say a fiver, tops. Also, you can't see them getting covered in shit, so it barely works.
Fish guts! Fucking hell, bring on the electric shock suits and we'll call it a wrap. Hughie going on about the smell of the stuff is hilarious. I like it when Hughie and Ryan argue as well as cuddle, cos it's like a real relationship.
The shit has attracted flies. Mmm.
Yay, Hughie vs Jackson. But shit, the housemates evict each other this week. Hughie needs to keep his head down (briefly!). I'm not sure Jackson screamed at Hughie.
Jackson kissing Hughie and trying to force him to smile. Sexual assault.
Andy is shitstirring in the diary room about Hughie. 'Nasty, aggressive, argumentative', shut up. Others see a nice Hughie. 'He's not thinking nice things when he looks at me.' Me either, Andy. 'I think he's made up some myth about me.' No, he just sees through your bullshit.
Jackson and Chelsea in the gangsta corner bitching about Hughie. Chelsea is like a pressure cooker waiting to go off... boof. He's going to beat someone up 'cameras or no cameras'. Chelsea: 'I've done business, you know the score, it's street all the way.' Jackson's face said it all. That was reminiscent of Jimmy Savile and Louis Theroux. Tracksuit wearing old man boasting with creepy undertones.
I think Hughie's on his period today, he's not a happy man. Ha, Jackson is grassing up what Chelsea said to Sam and Lateysha. Where's the street code when you need it? Where's the honour amongst (milk) thieves?
There's a lot of heat on Chelsea tonight. He's obviously going to get annihilated this week.
Alex is grinding on Lateysha. Maybe he fancies her more than Evelyn? Jackson is doing lots of mugging to the camera tonight. Andy's face when Evelyn was going on about Alex. Funny. Evelyn is annoying as hell. Lateysha is obviously in love with Alex.
Ryan to Hughie: 'You can sometimes take things the wrong way.' Aw. They have a such a good relationship, they are actual equals.
Andy is having a cuddle with Alex. 'I wouldn't approach you in a bar.' Ha.
Jackson to Chelsea: 'It's going round now that people are intimidated by you.' Cos you told everyone. Jackson came out of that conversation smelling of roses! Good work. 'Much respect.' Lol.
Big Brother is trying to slutshame Laura as normal. Also, a crap camera angle on the faux lesbo kiss. Will none of the men step up? The straight women are having to kiss each other for entertainment, and that was before spin the bottle!
Alex and Jayne have more chemistry than him and Evelyn. I do kind of like Jayne now, which is annoying.
Andy: 'How do you think 12 people is going to become 5 in two weeks?' Good question. ANNIHILATION! Andy is getting his knickers wet at the thought of doing face to face noms. Sadistic bastard.
Oooh this is going to be soooo cringe! Evelyn talking about Alex while he's sat on the sofa. How is the boring slab of meat going to handle this? NO EMOTION on his face as Evelyn says she wants to sit on it. I'd pretend to be asleep. I feel sorry for Evelyn, it's the WORST feeling when you get caught out like that. Haha, how will she try and style it out? How can they not see Alex there? He's not a chameleon. Mind you, he is quite inanimate.
God, the conversaition is just going ON AND ON. It's awful. Hahaha. And brilliant. Laura and Evelyn are obviously drunk and cooking AS USUAL. Ha, the moment when Laura realised Alex was sat there. HILARITY. TV GOLD. Alex is 'just thinking'. Well, we know that's a lie. I would have loved to have seen what happened next. No such luck.

No comments: