Sunday, 6 January 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: A coven of witches, with all due respect

Ok so I did some research today (by watching The Hills on MTV) and it turns out Spencer has completely brainwashed Heidi and cut her off from her family (and his, actually). He proudly told someone he doesn't let her watch TV or read papers as he doesn't want her being 'influenced by the Matrix' whilst she sat there smiling dumbly. She also cut off her friends and said she 'needed to concentrate on love right now.' That's not love, it's a hostage situation. I heard they think 9/11 is an inside job (well, he does, as he thinks for the both of them) so it's not all bad.
These tasks are dull... drains, electricity, what is this, DIY SOS? How ARE they gonna rig it to keep David Koresh and Barbie in there?
Did Heidi and Spencer agree to give the luxury breakfast to the basement dwellers? I've never seen anybody get so excited about breakfast, not even Chris Evans.
Paula: 'One person, lips are moving.' Well there's a black mark against you.
Ooh, Lacey called Rylan 'the star of the show'. Don't say that to Spencer! She said 'Kathy's son got his head flushed down the toilet by Phil Mitchell.' Er... that wasn't real. Now Phil Mitchell in the Big Brother house! That I'd pay to see.
You can tell Heidi doesn't get out much, because she's a nightmare in social situations. I also hate people who say 'British accent.' There's no such thing as a British accent, there's probably more than 500 'British accents'. I'm sure the Scottish and Welsh don't appreciate some hokey impression of the Queen being defined as their accent. Plus the only two British accents Americans know are from films: posh and cockney.
LOL, Heidi: 'These housemates are all icons.' I can assure you Trisha Penrose is NOT an icon, she's not even a pixel. I love the fact every year the American housemates think the UK housemates are household names. Some of these are barely household implements.
I don't think Rylan comes over as 'cocky.' He's quite self-effacing.
Frankie's being a martyr again, bless him! He's a smart cookie, isn't he, throwing himself to the sharks? But it's true, it's very unlikely he'll be voted out. I think the 'ultimate sacrifice' is something a bit more than putting yourself head to head with the Pratts.
I'm glad that stupid task is over. I hate divisive tasks. Razor in the bath: no thanks. And referring to women as 'birds' - lovely.
Oh dear, Heidi's not having kids because of Spencer. On the Hills I saw earlier she was trying to accidentally get pregnant. She's a 'servant of love.' No, you're a fucking weirdo. You're a Stepford wife. If someone like knocks against her accidentally and messes with her settings maybe she's just wake up and go 'Where am I?' then look in a mirror and scream.
The press have made out Paula's a nutter 'because she didn't have an agent or a manager.' Isn't it because you drunk-drove into a tree? I couldn't be less interested in Paula, Trisha, Gillian or Claire at the moment. I think they are suffering in the edit, though, but they're just not that interesting. Middle-aged women in the Big Brother house rarely are, I'm afraid to say.
I'm surprised Razor is getting on so well with Rylan. I think it's because Rylan and Frankie are tight. This farting thing could have definitely been left out of the edit; puerile.
I hate it when women start feeling other women's boobs on Big Brother. I'd knock someone out of they came near my boobs. It's such a weird thing, I've only ever seen it happen on Big Brother. Perhaps it's in their contracts?
How come Heidi is being so nice to Claire now? I think they're trying to do a bit of damage limitation here, like good cop/bad cop. I think it's too late.
Paula in her bikini, I mean she's not bad for her age but still, do we have to dwell on it? I'm glad didn't focus on Claire getting in the pool, like I thought they were going to, just to be nasty.
Are they allowed to talk about Heidi and Spencer being obvious nominees? Surely not. Could this be the get out clause?
Cooking wars between Claire and Paula! There's ALWAYS a battle over the kitchen isn't there, and it's always fucking DULL. Paula is a name-dropper and a braggard. Hope she goes this week. Bring on the nom noms!

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