Sunday, 13 January 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: I've woke up with the hump

I'm watching Britain's most incompetently-produced show alone tonight, which is sad. However, we solved the not-calling-them-Speidi dilemma last night, by coining the 'Spontag.' I thought of something too, on Spontag's non-kissing policy: they kissed that American flag when they went in the basement! Maybe they only kiss inanimate objects. Heidi did a little kiss in Spencer's direction, but he barely reciprocated. It's not rubbing it in people's faces when you're hiding in the basement. You just don't fancy each other! I've seen Simon Cowell and his girlbeards look more in love.
So what will happen tonight? Will Frankie be camouflaging himself against a tree perhaps, or a furry cushion? Will Razor imitate any other aquatic creatures? It's all to play for; if they ever stop recapping last night.
Why is Razor grovelling to Big Brother again? Come on, big man, it was the best thing you ever did in that house. Don't turn into a pity party.
Claire has basically turned into a wet fish, now. I saw half this shit on BOTS yesterday. Why can't they give us some fresh stuff! They got 24 hours of it. Fucking useless.
I love it when people say 'I've got the hump'. Rylan: 'I'm not worried, I'm nervous.' Isn't that the same thing? I think Rylan underestimates the clout of 'Claire from Steps'. One: no one likes Steps. Two: she's a miserable cow. If it was a head to head, he'd walk it. I like fact they're making them sweat on it, though. Razor: 'I understand. It would be like going up against Lee Ryan from Blue.' Er... what?! Random! Actually, put him in the house, he's renowned for his stupid statements. And Brian Harvey, too.
Spencer on Heidi kicking off: 'you were so awesome.' Aw, how romantic.
Oh Claire, stop going on! Just stand by what you said or shut the fuck up.
How come Spontag get to stay up til 5am and then sleep all morning? Special treatment!
Why is Spencer having a hot flush, is he going through the menopause? My friend thinks Spencer is ill because he always looks sweaty. It's probably because he's always wearing those teacher fleeces. Can't she sort out his clothes for him? She spends a zillion dollars on surgery and she can't buy him a nice shirt, or something? Drop me out. Heidi is clutching one of her 56 toothbrushes. At least because they really want to win now, they won't walk. Spencer: 'don't think I don't relate to zits.' OK, then.
Ha, British contestants get so pissed off when Americans say they want to win. But at least it's honest! Razor on them winning: 'you fucking aint.' We'll see!
Gillian always looks like she's either tired or crying; maybe both. Rylan is so skinny! You can see his ribs. Rylan wears more make-up than I do.
Spencer on Claire: your career with Steps ended ten years ago.' If only! Spencer's face is twice the size of Heidi's. It's a bit rich of him to call Rylan and Claire 'hermits' when they keep bunking up in the basement every five minutes.
Why is Spencer carrying that huge bottle of water round with him? He could use it as a weapon at any time. It's like Paula all over again.
I like the fact that Rylan hangs out with Razor and Frankie. I like Lacey's leopard print dressing gown, too. She's playing a smart game, keeping Heidi sweet. Not as dumb as she pretends, methinks.
Interesting to see Toadfish and Lacey (sort of) strategising. Toadfish NOT agreeing that Spontag are nice people. I guess Lacey doesn't like some of the coven and is seeking a new alliance. I like her better because of that.
I hate these tasks where they try and make girls look dumb. I also hate it when they have outside people in the house, but that goes without saying.
Spencer is eating two packets of crisps during this task. Now, that's the kind of behaviour I can get behind. Is there any particular reason Razor is being waxed?! Or just to get him back in line after his puffa fish impression?
I've noticed Heidi does touch Spencer but he never touches her. Oh, Rylan, put a sock in it. He wouldn't let it lie! Tricia is brave questioning the motives of Spontag. She'll be next on her shitlist. Spontag are still laughing at Rylan's jokes. At least they all had a chat about it again.
Razor's girlfriend is 31! LOL. That's like me going out with a fat old puffa fish. What does she see in him?
What the actual FUCK are Spontag doing in the basement again? That is totally wrong. Did Saul Goodman organise that for them? Is he going to bury Rylan in a ditch for them, too? Are they seriously not going to explain it? Another dick move by Big Brother. Blatant hardballing by Spontag and Big Brother pandering to them; ie. bullshit.
Ooh, Spencer strokes Heidi's back! NEWSFLASH. And now they're back out of the basement again?! WTF. Is that just their little private area? That is sooooooo unfair. If they don't want to sleep with the others they should be made to sleep in the igloo.
Have Spontag's got OCD? What is it with them and bacteria? I think Spencer is dying. They are so weird. Still you've got to love them. Otherwise you're stuck trying to spot Frankie Dettori as he nestles under teacup.

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