Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: My brain had gone all rubbery

Don't you just love it when your Sky planner misses off the first part of your favourite show? Paula's brain has gone 'all rubbery'. Take that sheepskin hat off, then. Her 'products' do just revolve around sheep shearing, don't they? Somewhere in Wales, there's a field of sheep, shivering. And somewhere just above Wales, there's a spaceship full of sheep, zooming off into the galaxy. Baaaaaaaaaa!
The randomiser machine: is that just Guinevere by a different name? Set of balls number one! I hope there's an independent adjudicator present. I always think that independent adjudicator on Deal or No Deal has the cushiest job ever. She seals boxes. It's just like working for Amazon, but she gets to hang out with Noel Edmonds, too. Win.
Heidi's got a bad mood task face on! How come they didn't get Heidi to pass the item it to a boy and see if Spencer kicked off? I've met girls like Heidi before; insecure bags of slop who think every woman on the planet fancies her boyfriend/ husband, whatever it is. Don't worry, Barbie, no one fancies it! I think Spencer is enjoying the jealousy. Bet he wouldn't want to go mouth to nearly-mouth with Rylan.
Heidi is 'not OK'. Aint that the truth. I hate it when people say 'inappropriate' in the Big Brother house! Nothing is inappropriate in the Big Brother house except racism, all the other isms and violence. Heidi's a bit of a cunt, isn't she? She simpers enough to him, but then takes out all her rage she's holding in on others.
Of course Spencer 'doesn't want to do it'. Is he growing that beard again? Ban the bum fluff! When is he going to have HIS surgery? He fucking needs it. Heidi did a cry-trip. LOL.
Spencer smirking in the DR. 'Big Brother doesn't care about marriages.' Nor do you, haven't you been married three times? What is that red shirt Spencer is wearing? He looks like a fucking elf.
This task is dumb. Are they trying to poison the housemates this year? I'm surprised Heidi and Spencer are doing it. I wouldn't put that pig's tongue in my mouth for a million quid. What is this, I'm a Celebrity? I'm not interested in people eating gross stuff. That's not what Big Brother is about. Who threw up in the sick bag?! That fish is so gross. I would rather die.
LOL Spencer just yacked. Hilarious. Thought they were going to throw this task! I think they were enjoying it. They're quite competitive in a way.
'And no kissing!' cheers the chipmunk. I'd rather my boyfriend snogged Lacey and wore her pants on his head than I had to put a bull's penis in my mouth.
LOL, Razor and Claire are 'thinking about working out.' Like the Chawners! I watched seven of those 'Chawners last chance' shows about Britain's 'fattest family' in a row. I loved their excuses for not exercising: 'It's a bank holiday', 'Peter Andre's show is on.' Then the girls were saying they walked for four hours a day and they were eating 600 calories whilst piling the pounds on. Then one grassed the other up for eating a million scones. The dad was the biggest joke though refusing to work in a florists as he had to work for a woman and it would make him 'look like a poof.' Lovely, lovely people. Actually the girl's are OK, they just need to run for their LIVES. Literally. RUN!
Heidi's 'the happiest she's ever been in her life'. Really?
Rylan, you get what you want, and you never want it again. The great goddess Courtney Love wrote these words and she's not often wrong (well...)
Heidi's got a big butt on her, are those implants? Rylan: 'She's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met.' Even Toadfish is brighter than that dumb bitch. Imagine if Rylan met Will Self, or even Nicky Campbell. His brain would explode.
I suppose Rylan IS a Brian Belo type, but I loved Brian Belo, and all the hate for him puzzles me. Brian and Samanda were legends. Funny, guileless, dumb as fuck. Entertaining housemates! Why would people moan about entertaining housemates? It's like people who hated Nikki Grahame; or morons, as I like to call them. You couldn't write a character like her. Fair enough when she went back in she played up to her stereotype, but that was Big Brother's fault, not hers. They created that monster. I liked her and Pete's romance. That improbably small girl and large willy. *goes misty eyed*
Anyway, I digress. Paula is hanging out with some pebbles. Fair enough. Makes a change from the coconut.
This is another task that looks dangerously close to kissing. Heidi's got her stony face on. Paula: 'you've got to respect religion, you've got to respect their vows.' FUCK OFF. I don't respect killjoys, it's a just a stupid game. That said, I wouldn't want to lock lips with Razor Ruddock. Paula looks like a puffa fish. She's desperate to stay in, bless her.
LOL to Toadfish sticking up for Heidi and Spencer's 'religion'. Has there ever been a man more aptly named than Toadie? Get him a fucking fence to sit on! What IS their religion? Scientology? They're pretty weird Christians. Having said that, Christians love a tear up, don't they? I think Spencer has brainwashed the housemates as well as Heidi! Careful, they'll all be found dead under blankets come morning after drinking Spencer's 'Jesus Juice'. Except Spencer, of course. He'll be like, 'Did I say the world was going to end? I meant my career...'
Claire is getting the Basshunter/Lady Sovereign in a drawer treatment. Except it's not as funny. You can't recreate those magic moments, like Alex Reid vs the snowman.... aiishhhhhhhh! Where's the Tree of Temptation? In Big Brother Australia they had this cockney fish called Surly who was like the Tree of Temptation, he was lush. I've still not finished watching that show. But goddammit, I will! I'm on the final fortnight, ay. 
They could have at least played a decent Steps song in the torture room. Oh...
Uh oh, stealing food/drink NEVER goes down well. Mind you, there's enough of them sharing it; what have they got, one beer? Rylan: 'Paula wouldn't want to be woken up, even if there was a fire.' It looks like that ship has already sailed, tbh.
Is there an eviction tomorrow?! Bring it on, baby. I'll get the old boot in, you can bring the bull's willy.

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