Save Spencer and Heidi! I've phoned twice, I think that's my limit. So today my 'research' found that Spencer was touting a sex tape of Heidi and one of those twins Denise Welch sexually assaulted last year when they split up. That's true love, right? It's probably why she got back with him, just to shut him up.
My boyfriend wants Frankie out and thinks people might forget to vote for him. Plus it would serve him right for thinking he's so popular he'll stay in. I'm not so sure, I'm pretty sure Paula's a goner.
Crowd are chanting 'get Paula out'. That will be good for her mental illness. Drop her out!
The thing with Heidi and Spencer is they've threatened shit, but they've not done anything except be a bit frigid and controlling. They were even bigging up Toadfish yesterday. Where's our super villians? Toadfish probably thinks that's gonna win him the show. Which goes to show how little he knows.
Shit-stir task! I love the shit-stir tasks. And Heidi gets to pick on Lacey. Gunge is a bit 80s, though.
Razor on Gillian covered in gunk: 'like her face when she got out of the Range Rover.' Gillian was quite a good sport about that. Razor hasn't bugged me as much as I thought he was going to so far.
Is Paula actually helping out on this task? Or just piously telling Heidi's she's got everything wrong?
What did Paula do in Take That's last video? Make the tea?
'If you said you fell in a ditch, she'd say she fell off a cliff.' Paula: 'I don't even know what that means.' Get a sense of humour, you miserable cow. ALL of them have said similar things about Paula. Negative?! Fucking hell, she should know. Get her out! Paula got a bigger boo after that. She's got her coat on, so she's obviously ready to roll. I wanted to see what dirt they said about Heidi and Spencer in that task.
Vote beg. Will Heidi and Spencer even do it? Rylan: 'say something about horses.' Heidi and Spencer: the jetlag defence. I'm surprised they even bothered. Spencer didn't get a word in edgeways.
Paula looks nice with a bit of slap on.
The first thing out of Sam's mouth this week and he says 'trollop'. Should have kept that mouth shut, you sexist dick.
It's grannies bathtime; mind the gap. Don't worry, I'm an equal opportunities hater; Razor is more grotesque than all of them. Paula is being a bit aggressive with that bottle. Seal off the area.
What is Rylan squirting at people? Crisp and dry?
Gillian's non-blowjob account is about as realistic as Paula's 'swerved to avoid a deer' story.He had pancreatic problems and he undid his trousers? WTF. Lacey: 'so what if you did.' LOL. 'We can't lie, everyone's done it.' Speak for yourself! That made me laugh. I would like to have seen a close up on Heidi's face when she said that.
Yeah let that trollop Sam push the button. Fail, fail, fail! They passed! See Razor's tattoo? 'To dare is to do.'
Can I just make my position on onesies clear? They are vile. They suit no one. They are babygros for adults. We will look back and laugh at all those who ever zipped themselves into one. Not even skinny people look good in them. Here ends the onesie speech.
Paula: 'you're a jockey, what the hell do you know?' What 'career' does Paula have? Tabloid nutcase.
Rylan's hair looks AWFUL. It's too black. I'd like to see his ginger roots.
Spencer in the Diary Room: 'I wouldn't want to hang out with us, either.' Ha. Hold on, what about the jetlag? Have they still got it? Did they change their mind overnight?
Kevin Bacon would be good in CBB. I think he costs a bit too much, though.
What the fuck is with these Neighbours adverts with Toadfish in? It's like brainwashing!
If you're watching on Channel 5 plus 1, go fuck yourself.
Paula's got something for Heidi. Is it the stash? Why is Spencer always wearing teacher fleeces? Heidi is giving Paula a bracelet that's 'divine love from God and everything like that.' Cool. This is like Alcoholics Anonymous or something. It will be a shame to break up this party.
WTF is a karate license? Which colour belt is that? She's quite threatening! Hide the knives.
Frankie on Rylan on X Factor: 'another fucking dickhead putting it on.' Charming! Frankie needs to work on his 'reassurance'. He's really upset him! Ha. Drop me out, Rylan. Pull yourself together.
Notice how Frankie's getting a bad edit now the voting has closed? Skulduggery!
LOL to Razor telling it like it is, 'so you've upset him'. A bit of straight talk doesn't go awry in that house. Rylan: 'it was just a tired cry - I just needed five minutes.' Rylan's looking pasty.
Rylan to Paula: 'you keep me sane.' Enough said.
Natalie Cassidy: get off my screen or I'll get my mascara out. What's going on with her fringe? Honestly, she was on The Wright Stuff this week, too. The only place I want to see Natalie Cassidy is on Very Important People and I think they've cancelled that show (boo). A Natalie Cassidy advert followed by an advert about tackling 'soapscum'. These jokes write themselves.
Brian: 'I'm actually quite excited.' Don't go overboard. 'Get Paula out.' There's nothing wrong with her ears, is there.
Why has she come out in John McCruick's hat? Diet Coke! It is a bit of a shame she's gone considering how much deadwood there is in the house, but I suppose it's to be expected and at least it wasn't the terrible twosome. That was the shortest time before an ad break ever. It's like watching US TV.
Is that Brian's earpiece we can hear? That could be interesting! How does he concentrate with that in his ear? Notice it was all the dullards who voted Paula out.
The crowd shouting 'who are ya?' Charming! Is that it for Paula's interview? That was about three seconds. 'Off, off, off, off!' We're a charming bunch, you can see why Alex Jones hates us all. Why does Paula hate Frankie so much?
Paula looks livid watching her best bits. Start blaming the editing!
This twist is going to be good because everyone's going to be slagging them off when they're in the 'bedsit'. God save the Queen! LOL and they get immunity next week! Hilarious. I'm looking forward to seeing the new basement. What does that house smell like?!
LOL to Spencer dismissing Heidi's strategy. So what was the twist going to be if Spencer and Heidi weren't saved? FIX, etc. Do you think they had a Paula-style basement set up too? No. I think it will the be like the 'crypt'; TV gold, except this WILL be TV gold. Could do with some live feed now!
Showing posts with label paula hamilton. Show all posts
Showing posts with label paula hamilton. Show all posts
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Celebrity Big Brother 2012: My brain had gone all rubbery
Don't you just love it when your Sky planner misses off the first part of your favourite show? Paula's brain has gone 'all rubbery'. Take that sheepskin hat off, then. Her 'products' do just revolve around sheep shearing, don't they? Somewhere in Wales, there's a field of sheep, shivering. And somewhere just above Wales, there's a spaceship full of sheep, zooming off into the galaxy. Baaaaaaaaaa!
The randomiser machine: is that just Guinevere by a different name? Set of balls number one! I hope there's an independent adjudicator present. I always think that independent adjudicator on Deal or No Deal has the cushiest job ever. She seals boxes. It's just like working for Amazon, but she gets to hang out with Noel Edmonds, too. Win.
Heidi's got a bad mood task face on! How come they didn't get Heidi to pass the item it to a boy and see if Spencer kicked off? I've met girls like Heidi before; insecure bags of slop who think every woman on the planet fancies her boyfriend/ husband, whatever it is. Don't worry, Barbie, no one fancies it! I think Spencer is enjoying the jealousy. Bet he wouldn't want to go mouth to nearly-mouth with Rylan.
Heidi is 'not OK'. Aint that the truth. I hate it when people say 'inappropriate' in the Big Brother house! Nothing is inappropriate in the Big Brother house except racism, all the other isms and violence. Heidi's a bit of a cunt, isn't she? She simpers enough to him, but then takes out all her rage she's holding in on others.
Of course Spencer 'doesn't want to do it'. Is he growing that beard again? Ban the bum fluff! When is he going to have HIS surgery? He fucking needs it. Heidi did a cry-trip. LOL.
Spencer smirking in the DR. 'Big Brother doesn't care about marriages.' Nor do you, haven't you been married three times? What is that red shirt Spencer is wearing? He looks like a fucking elf.
This task is dumb. Are they trying to poison the housemates this year? I'm surprised Heidi and Spencer are doing it. I wouldn't put that pig's tongue in my mouth for a million quid. What is this, I'm a Celebrity? I'm not interested in people eating gross stuff. That's not what Big Brother is about. Who threw up in the sick bag?! That fish is so gross. I would rather die.
LOL Spencer just yacked. Hilarious. Thought they were going to throw this task! I think they were enjoying it. They're quite competitive in a way.
'And no kissing!' cheers the chipmunk. I'd rather my boyfriend snogged Lacey and wore her pants on his head than I had to put a bull's penis in my mouth.
LOL, Razor and Claire are 'thinking about working out.' Like the Chawners! I watched seven of those 'Chawners last chance' shows about Britain's 'fattest family' in a row. I loved their excuses for not exercising: 'It's a bank holiday', 'Peter Andre's show is on.' Then the girls were saying they walked for four hours a day and they were eating 600 calories whilst piling the pounds on. Then one grassed the other up for eating a million scones. The dad was the biggest joke though refusing to work in a florists as he had to work for a woman and it would make him 'look like a poof.' Lovely, lovely people. Actually the girl's are OK, they just need to run for their LIVES. Literally. RUN!
Heidi's 'the happiest she's ever been in her life'. Really?
Rylan, you get what you want, and you never want it again. The great goddess Courtney Love wrote these words and she's not often wrong (well...)
Heidi's got a big butt on her, are those implants? Rylan: 'She's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met.' Even Toadfish is brighter than that dumb bitch. Imagine if Rylan met Will Self, or even Nicky Campbell. His brain would explode.
I suppose Rylan IS a Brian Belo type, but I loved Brian Belo, and all the hate for him puzzles me. Brian and Samanda were legends. Funny, guileless, dumb as fuck. Entertaining housemates! Why would people moan about entertaining housemates? It's like people who hated Nikki Grahame; or morons, as I like to call them. You couldn't write a character like her. Fair enough when she went back in she played up to her stereotype, but that was Big Brother's fault, not hers. They created that monster. I liked her and Pete's romance. That improbably small girl and large willy. *goes misty eyed*
Anyway, I digress. Paula is hanging out with some pebbles. Fair enough. Makes a change from the coconut.
This is another task that looks dangerously close to kissing. Heidi's got her stony face on. Paula: 'you've got to respect religion, you've got to respect their vows.' FUCK OFF. I don't respect killjoys, it's a just a stupid game. That said, I wouldn't want to lock lips with Razor Ruddock. Paula looks like a puffa fish. She's desperate to stay in, bless her.
LOL to Toadfish sticking up for Heidi and Spencer's 'religion'. Has there ever been a man more aptly named than Toadie? Get him a fucking fence to sit on! What IS their religion? Scientology? They're pretty weird Christians. Having said that, Christians love a tear up, don't they? I think Spencer has brainwashed the housemates as well as Heidi! Careful, they'll all be found dead under blankets come morning after drinking Spencer's 'Jesus Juice'. Except Spencer, of course. He'll be like, 'Did I say the world was going to end? I meant my career...'
Claire is getting the Basshunter/Lady Sovereign in a drawer treatment. Except it's not as funny. You can't recreate those magic moments, like Alex Reid vs the snowman.... aiishhhhhhhh! Where's the Tree of Temptation? In Big Brother Australia they had this cockney fish called Surly who was like the Tree of Temptation, he was lush. I've still not finished watching that show. But goddammit, I will! I'm on the final fortnight, ay.
They could have at least played a decent Steps song in the torture room. Oh...
Uh oh, stealing food/drink NEVER goes down well. Mind you, there's enough of them sharing it; what have they got, one beer? Rylan: 'Paula wouldn't want to be woken up, even if there was a fire.' It looks like that ship has already sailed, tbh.
Is there an eviction tomorrow?! Bring it on, baby. I'll get the old boot in, you can bring the bull's willy.
The randomiser machine: is that just Guinevere by a different name? Set of balls number one! I hope there's an independent adjudicator present. I always think that independent adjudicator on Deal or No Deal has the cushiest job ever. She seals boxes. It's just like working for Amazon, but she gets to hang out with Noel Edmonds, too. Win.
Heidi's got a bad mood task face on! How come they didn't get Heidi to pass the item it to a boy and see if Spencer kicked off? I've met girls like Heidi before; insecure bags of slop who think every woman on the planet fancies her boyfriend/ husband, whatever it is. Don't worry, Barbie, no one fancies it! I think Spencer is enjoying the jealousy. Bet he wouldn't want to go mouth to nearly-mouth with Rylan.
Heidi is 'not OK'. Aint that the truth. I hate it when people say 'inappropriate' in the Big Brother house! Nothing is inappropriate in the Big Brother house except racism, all the other isms and violence. Heidi's a bit of a cunt, isn't she? She simpers enough to him, but then takes out all her rage she's holding in on others.
Of course Spencer 'doesn't want to do it'. Is he growing that beard again? Ban the bum fluff! When is he going to have HIS surgery? He fucking needs it. Heidi did a cry-trip. LOL.
Spencer smirking in the DR. 'Big Brother doesn't care about marriages.' Nor do you, haven't you been married three times? What is that red shirt Spencer is wearing? He looks like a fucking elf.
This task is dumb. Are they trying to poison the housemates this year? I'm surprised Heidi and Spencer are doing it. I wouldn't put that pig's tongue in my mouth for a million quid. What is this, I'm a Celebrity? I'm not interested in people eating gross stuff. That's not what Big Brother is about. Who threw up in the sick bag?! That fish is so gross. I would rather die.
LOL Spencer just yacked. Hilarious. Thought they were going to throw this task! I think they were enjoying it. They're quite competitive in a way.
'And no kissing!' cheers the chipmunk. I'd rather my boyfriend snogged Lacey and wore her pants on his head than I had to put a bull's penis in my mouth.
LOL, Razor and Claire are 'thinking about working out.' Like the Chawners! I watched seven of those 'Chawners last chance' shows about Britain's 'fattest family' in a row. I loved their excuses for not exercising: 'It's a bank holiday', 'Peter Andre's show is on.' Then the girls were saying they walked for four hours a day and they were eating 600 calories whilst piling the pounds on. Then one grassed the other up for eating a million scones. The dad was the biggest joke though refusing to work in a florists as he had to work for a woman and it would make him 'look like a poof.' Lovely, lovely people. Actually the girl's are OK, they just need to run for their LIVES. Literally. RUN!
Heidi's 'the happiest she's ever been in her life'. Really?
Rylan, you get what you want, and you never want it again. The great goddess Courtney Love wrote these words and she's not often wrong (well...)
Heidi's got a big butt on her, are those implants? Rylan: 'She's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met.' Even Toadfish is brighter than that dumb bitch. Imagine if Rylan met Will Self, or even Nicky Campbell. His brain would explode.
I suppose Rylan IS a Brian Belo type, but I loved Brian Belo, and all the hate for him puzzles me. Brian and Samanda were legends. Funny, guileless, dumb as fuck. Entertaining housemates! Why would people moan about entertaining housemates? It's like people who hated Nikki Grahame; or morons, as I like to call them. You couldn't write a character like her. Fair enough when she went back in she played up to her stereotype, but that was Big Brother's fault, not hers. They created that monster. I liked her and Pete's romance. That improbably small girl and large willy. *goes misty eyed*
Anyway, I digress. Paula is hanging out with some pebbles. Fair enough. Makes a change from the coconut.
This is another task that looks dangerously close to kissing. Heidi's got her stony face on. Paula: 'you've got to respect religion, you've got to respect their vows.' FUCK OFF. I don't respect killjoys, it's a just a stupid game. That said, I wouldn't want to lock lips with Razor Ruddock. Paula looks like a puffa fish. She's desperate to stay in, bless her.
LOL to Toadfish sticking up for Heidi and Spencer's 'religion'. Has there ever been a man more aptly named than Toadie? Get him a fucking fence to sit on! What IS their religion? Scientology? They're pretty weird Christians. Having said that, Christians love a tear up, don't they? I think Spencer has brainwashed the housemates as well as Heidi! Careful, they'll all be found dead under blankets come morning after drinking Spencer's 'Jesus Juice'. Except Spencer, of course. He'll be like, 'Did I say the world was going to end? I meant my career...'
Claire is getting the Basshunter/Lady Sovereign in a drawer treatment. Except it's not as funny. You can't recreate those magic moments, like Alex Reid vs the snowman.... aiishhhhhhhh! Where's the Tree of Temptation? In Big Brother Australia they had this cockney fish called Surly who was like the Tree of Temptation, he was lush. I've still not finished watching that show. But goddammit, I will! I'm on the final fortnight, ay.
They could have at least played a decent Steps song in the torture room. Oh...
Uh oh, stealing food/drink NEVER goes down well. Mind you, there's enough of them sharing it; what have they got, one beer? Rylan: 'Paula wouldn't want to be woken up, even if there was a fire.' It looks like that ship has already sailed, tbh.
Is there an eviction tomorrow?! Bring it on, baby. I'll get the old boot in, you can bring the bull's willy.
Monday, 7 January 2013
Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Nom-cry
Hello, I've been out drinking woo woo's so who knows how this will go. So I already know who's up for nomination because I watched BOTS, and I'm pretty sure Psycho Kid and his moll will survive up against Paula. Why do they get up so early in the morning? WTF is he doing in the garden? Heidi 'likes everyone'. Only if Spencer says so. I like the fact they have collective and not individual nerves to get on. These two are one piece of work. Spencer is such a kiss arse, pretending he's interested in Frankie's plane crash. Spencer is only interested in one thing; mind control. Alivina the chipmunk is excited about nominations. She'll be excited when she gets all ten votes.
Paula crashed her car 'to avoid Bambi.' Yeah, OK. Frankie 'allegedly' failed the drug test. Doesn't seem like there's much allegedly about it.
People who make anagrams out of words i.e. 'bitch' bore me senseless. Same with people who quote things, talk in proverbs or riddles. Just come up with something original, you drongo, as Toadfish would say. You dags!
Rylan is going to be hammy about nominations, isn't he? Ham, ham, ham. He needs to cool it a bit. Nominating Lacey equals eliminating the competition for Sam! He doesn't like Lacey interrupting 'serious conversations.' What serious conversations is Rylan having? The abortion limit? Quantitative easing? Syria?
Sam doesn't like the middle-aged harridans. Fair enough. He's just as dull, he's just prettier.
Interesting hearing Gillian talk as I don't think I've heard a word out of her yet. She didn't nominate Heidi and Spencer for genuine reasons. Just say they're arseholes. I like her voice.
Tricia nominated Sam. It's like the bland leading the bland. Paula is fucking boring. Me, me, me, me. Namedrop, namedrop, namedrop. Get rid! Interesting Lacy nominated Claire. I wonder what's going on there?
I like Paula describing Heidi and Spencer as caviler. That's a good word to describe them. Sam's getting a decent amount of nominations for someone so inoffensive. Maybe his inoffensiveness is offensive.
Paula: 'I've got an amazing nose.' Claire is doing some good 'harrumphing'. Probably not good to criticise someone's cooking mid-nominations, Paula. Claire is doing a nom-cry. She seems quite depressed in general. Paula is just plain annoying. I can't imagine anyone voting to save her.
I miss Toadfish's mohawk. He's probably not had it for about 15 years. Ah, Razor is one of those 'I'm trying to sleep' nominators, ie. a killjoy.
Is Heidi going to get to speak during these nominations? Oh, she did. That was gracious of him.
I like the way they gave out the numbers for the nominations, that put a nice little spin on it. They do that on the Australian show, too and it shit-stirs quite well. I think Spencer might go a bit 'Incredible Hulk' now.
Spencer has 'a feeling we're going to win.' Hmm. Not sure about that. 'The universe is quite strange.' True.
LOL to Rylan pretending to be in a relationship with David Beckham. 'Dave, give me a break.' Rylan: 'He could do worse.' Razor: 'He has.' Haha. Take that, Posh!
Paula: 'I'm going to pack and go now.' Fuck off then, you old toad. I'm tired of her histrionics already. She's such a martyr. She IS like Jasmine Leonard's mum.
Spencer whispering in Heidi's ear that no one likes her. Control freak alert! No one likes YOU, gimp.
Paula: 'this is going to affect my brand.' What brand? Toothless alcoholic?
Paula's going to 'jump the wall.' I hear members of Steps make good stepladders. Probably H is more useful than Claire, though. Paula: 'Big Brother, you've ruined my life.' Big Brother didn't vote for you, you old soak. It was your housemates!
Rylan: 'chop me out, drop me out': Stop it!
Paula to Big Brother: 'Stop talking like that, talk in your normal voice.' The Australian Big Brother would have no truck with that! When he gets pissed off with the housemates, he just sets the DR door to open automatically, it's so good.
What 'products' did Paula want to launch? Sheepskin coats? God, she's so spoilt. I can't bear it. 'I was really into helping you making this a great show.' Don't flatter yourself, you ninny.
Spencer is right in a way, it is in our hands, but the more he brags about being saved, the less people will vote for his annoying plate-face and his blow-up wife.
You don't have to be 'highly intelligent' to work out you're going home, Paula. Even Lacey could work it out. I think Paula is highly narcissistic. She's damaged goods, completely. It's a bit sick having her in there in a way, but no sicker than Trevor and Little Mo.
Is that fleece part of Spencer's own wardrobe? 'Magic kiss'? I'll pass.
Why is Paula blaming the women in the house for nominating her? Batshit crazy, that's why. She needs to get her head out of her arse. And off my screen. G'night!
Paula crashed her car 'to avoid Bambi.' Yeah, OK. Frankie 'allegedly' failed the drug test. Doesn't seem like there's much allegedly about it.
People who make anagrams out of words i.e. 'bitch' bore me senseless. Same with people who quote things, talk in proverbs or riddles. Just come up with something original, you drongo, as Toadfish would say. You dags!
Rylan is going to be hammy about nominations, isn't he? Ham, ham, ham. He needs to cool it a bit. Nominating Lacey equals eliminating the competition for Sam! He doesn't like Lacey interrupting 'serious conversations.' What serious conversations is Rylan having? The abortion limit? Quantitative easing? Syria?
Sam doesn't like the middle-aged harridans. Fair enough. He's just as dull, he's just prettier.
Interesting hearing Gillian talk as I don't think I've heard a word out of her yet. She didn't nominate Heidi and Spencer for genuine reasons. Just say they're arseholes. I like her voice.
Tricia nominated Sam. It's like the bland leading the bland. Paula is fucking boring. Me, me, me, me. Namedrop, namedrop, namedrop. Get rid! Interesting Lacy nominated Claire. I wonder what's going on there?
I like Paula describing Heidi and Spencer as caviler. That's a good word to describe them. Sam's getting a decent amount of nominations for someone so inoffensive. Maybe his inoffensiveness is offensive.
Paula: 'I've got an amazing nose.' Claire is doing some good 'harrumphing'. Probably not good to criticise someone's cooking mid-nominations, Paula. Claire is doing a nom-cry. She seems quite depressed in general. Paula is just plain annoying. I can't imagine anyone voting to save her.
I miss Toadfish's mohawk. He's probably not had it for about 15 years. Ah, Razor is one of those 'I'm trying to sleep' nominators, ie. a killjoy.
Is Heidi going to get to speak during these nominations? Oh, she did. That was gracious of him.
I like the way they gave out the numbers for the nominations, that put a nice little spin on it. They do that on the Australian show, too and it shit-stirs quite well. I think Spencer might go a bit 'Incredible Hulk' now.
Spencer has 'a feeling we're going to win.' Hmm. Not sure about that. 'The universe is quite strange.' True.
LOL to Rylan pretending to be in a relationship with David Beckham. 'Dave, give me a break.' Rylan: 'He could do worse.' Razor: 'He has.' Haha. Take that, Posh!
Paula: 'I'm going to pack and go now.' Fuck off then, you old toad. I'm tired of her histrionics already. She's such a martyr. She IS like Jasmine Leonard's mum.
Spencer whispering in Heidi's ear that no one likes her. Control freak alert! No one likes YOU, gimp.
Paula: 'this is going to affect my brand.' What brand? Toothless alcoholic?
Paula's going to 'jump the wall.' I hear members of Steps make good stepladders. Probably H is more useful than Claire, though. Paula: 'Big Brother, you've ruined my life.' Big Brother didn't vote for you, you old soak. It was your housemates!
Rylan: 'chop me out, drop me out': Stop it!
Paula to Big Brother: 'Stop talking like that, talk in your normal voice.' The Australian Big Brother would have no truck with that! When he gets pissed off with the housemates, he just sets the DR door to open automatically, it's so good.
What 'products' did Paula want to launch? Sheepskin coats? God, she's so spoilt. I can't bear it. 'I was really into helping you making this a great show.' Don't flatter yourself, you ninny.
Spencer is right in a way, it is in our hands, but the more he brags about being saved, the less people will vote for his annoying plate-face and his blow-up wife.
You don't have to be 'highly intelligent' to work out you're going home, Paula. Even Lacey could work it out. I think Paula is highly narcissistic. She's damaged goods, completely. It's a bit sick having her in there in a way, but no sicker than Trevor and Little Mo.
Is that fleece part of Spencer's own wardrobe? 'Magic kiss'? I'll pass.
Why is Paula blaming the women in the house for nominating her? Batshit crazy, that's why. She needs to get her head out of her arse. And off my screen. G'night!
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Celebrity Big Brother 2013: A coven of witches, with all due respect
Ok so I did some research today (by watching The Hills on MTV) and it turns out Spencer has completely brainwashed Heidi and cut her off from her family (and his, actually). He proudly told someone he doesn't let her watch TV or read papers as he doesn't want her being 'influenced by the Matrix' whilst she sat there smiling dumbly. She also cut off her friends and said she 'needed to concentrate on love right now.' That's not love, it's a hostage situation. I heard they think 9/11 is an inside job (well, he does, as he thinks for the both of them) so it's not all bad.
These tasks are dull... drains, electricity, what is this, DIY SOS? How ARE they gonna rig it to keep David Koresh and Barbie in there?
Did Heidi and Spencer agree to give the luxury breakfast to the basement dwellers? I've never seen anybody get so excited about breakfast, not even Chris Evans.
Paula: 'One person, lips are moving.' Well there's a black mark against you.
Ooh, Lacey called Rylan 'the star of the show'. Don't say that to Spencer! She said 'Kathy's son got his head flushed down the toilet by Phil Mitchell.' Er... that wasn't real. Now Phil Mitchell in the Big Brother house! That I'd pay to see.
You can tell Heidi doesn't get out much, because she's a nightmare in social situations. I also hate people who say 'British accent.' There's no such thing as a British accent, there's probably more than 500 'British accents'. I'm sure the Scottish and Welsh don't appreciate some hokey impression of the Queen being defined as their accent. Plus the only two British accents Americans know are from films: posh and cockney.
LOL, Heidi: 'These housemates are all icons.' I can assure you Trisha Penrose is NOT an icon, she's not even a pixel. I love the fact every year the American housemates think the UK housemates are household names. Some of these are barely household implements.
I don't think Rylan comes over as 'cocky.' He's quite self-effacing.
Frankie's being a martyr again, bless him! He's a smart cookie, isn't he, throwing himself to the sharks? But it's true, it's very unlikely he'll be voted out. I think the 'ultimate sacrifice' is something a bit more than putting yourself head to head with the Pratts.
I'm glad that stupid task is over. I hate divisive tasks. Razor in the bath: no thanks. And referring to women as 'birds' - lovely.
Oh dear, Heidi's not having kids because of Spencer. On the Hills I saw earlier she was trying to accidentally get pregnant. She's a 'servant of love.' No, you're a fucking weirdo. You're a Stepford wife. If someone like knocks against her accidentally and messes with her settings maybe she's just wake up and go 'Where am I?' then look in a mirror and scream.
The press have made out Paula's a nutter 'because she didn't have an agent or a manager.' Isn't it because you drunk-drove into a tree? I couldn't be less interested in Paula, Trisha, Gillian or Claire at the moment. I think they are suffering in the edit, though, but they're just not that interesting. Middle-aged women in the Big Brother house rarely are, I'm afraid to say.
I'm surprised Razor is getting on so well with Rylan. I think it's because Rylan and Frankie are tight. This farting thing could have definitely been left out of the edit; puerile.
I hate it when women start feeling other women's boobs on Big Brother. I'd knock someone out of they came near my boobs. It's such a weird thing, I've only ever seen it happen on Big Brother. Perhaps it's in their contracts?
How come Heidi is being so nice to Claire now? I think they're trying to do a bit of damage limitation here, like good cop/bad cop. I think it's too late.
Paula in her bikini, I mean she's not bad for her age but still, do we have to dwell on it? I'm glad didn't focus on Claire getting in the pool, like I thought they were going to, just to be nasty.
Are they allowed to talk about Heidi and Spencer being obvious nominees? Surely not. Could this be the get out clause?
Cooking wars between Claire and Paula! There's ALWAYS a battle over the kitchen isn't there, and it's always fucking DULL. Paula is a name-dropper and a braggard. Hope she goes this week. Bring on the nom noms!
These tasks are dull... drains, electricity, what is this, DIY SOS? How ARE they gonna rig it to keep David Koresh and Barbie in there?
Did Heidi and Spencer agree to give the luxury breakfast to the basement dwellers? I've never seen anybody get so excited about breakfast, not even Chris Evans.
Paula: 'One person, lips are moving.' Well there's a black mark against you.
Ooh, Lacey called Rylan 'the star of the show'. Don't say that to Spencer! She said 'Kathy's son got his head flushed down the toilet by Phil Mitchell.' Er... that wasn't real. Now Phil Mitchell in the Big Brother house! That I'd pay to see.
You can tell Heidi doesn't get out much, because she's a nightmare in social situations. I also hate people who say 'British accent.' There's no such thing as a British accent, there's probably more than 500 'British accents'. I'm sure the Scottish and Welsh don't appreciate some hokey impression of the Queen being defined as their accent. Plus the only two British accents Americans know are from films: posh and cockney.
LOL, Heidi: 'These housemates are all icons.' I can assure you Trisha Penrose is NOT an icon, she's not even a pixel. I love the fact every year the American housemates think the UK housemates are household names. Some of these are barely household implements.
I don't think Rylan comes over as 'cocky.' He's quite self-effacing.
Frankie's being a martyr again, bless him! He's a smart cookie, isn't he, throwing himself to the sharks? But it's true, it's very unlikely he'll be voted out. I think the 'ultimate sacrifice' is something a bit more than putting yourself head to head with the Pratts.
I'm glad that stupid task is over. I hate divisive tasks. Razor in the bath: no thanks. And referring to women as 'birds' - lovely.
Oh dear, Heidi's not having kids because of Spencer. On the Hills I saw earlier she was trying to accidentally get pregnant. She's a 'servant of love.' No, you're a fucking weirdo. You're a Stepford wife. If someone like knocks against her accidentally and messes with her settings maybe she's just wake up and go 'Where am I?' then look in a mirror and scream.
The press have made out Paula's a nutter 'because she didn't have an agent or a manager.' Isn't it because you drunk-drove into a tree? I couldn't be less interested in Paula, Trisha, Gillian or Claire at the moment. I think they are suffering in the edit, though, but they're just not that interesting. Middle-aged women in the Big Brother house rarely are, I'm afraid to say.
I'm surprised Razor is getting on so well with Rylan. I think it's because Rylan and Frankie are tight. This farting thing could have definitely been left out of the edit; puerile.
I hate it when women start feeling other women's boobs on Big Brother. I'd knock someone out of they came near my boobs. It's such a weird thing, I've only ever seen it happen on Big Brother. Perhaps it's in their contracts?
How come Heidi is being so nice to Claire now? I think they're trying to do a bit of damage limitation here, like good cop/bad cop. I think it's too late.
Paula in her bikini, I mean she's not bad for her age but still, do we have to dwell on it? I'm glad didn't focus on Claire getting in the pool, like I thought they were going to, just to be nasty.
Are they allowed to talk about Heidi and Spencer being obvious nominees? Surely not. Could this be the get out clause?
Cooking wars between Claire and Paula! There's ALWAYS a battle over the kitchen isn't there, and it's always fucking DULL. Paula is a name-dropper and a braggard. Hope she goes this week. Bring on the nom noms!
Saturday, 5 January 2013
Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Haves cannot stand us have-nots
Someone ticked the 'blah' box yesterday so I'd better watch myself! Blahblahblahblah. That's all this is! Just me blethering on.
Hi, everyone else! How are you? I feel a bit split between my £50 on Rylan and my enjoyment of the Spencer and Heidi. It would be criminal if they were out first, but how could it go any other way? I watched the clip on Spencer kicking off on I'm a Celeb US and he is a PROPER nutcase. He was soooo aggressive. Someone peeled a label off Heidi's dry shampoo and he started ranting about 'arts and crafts' and slapping things out of people's hands. You'd be out on your ear for that kind of aggression on our show *suddenly remembers Conor... not so sure*. Talking of Conor, I thought they were meant to apologise for his disgusting scumbaggery at the start of the show as Ofcom ruled that he was a sexist douchebag, or whatever? Oh well, as long as I never have to see his spudhead again, I'll be happy. But I'll never forget!
Anyway, on with tonight's festivities. I don't mind Frankie at all, actually, I think he might be my second favourite.
Paula is quite well camouflaged on that sofa under her Del Boy coat, I was hoping someone was going to slag her off! 'Really sick' - she seems OK now. I do give her respect for that actressing. Not bad at all.
I think the other housemates like Steps more than Claire does. I've always got the feeling she hated her own music.
Are they really poisoning them in the basement? Surely that's not allowed.
It's weird the way Heidi just laughs at everything Spencer says, even when it's not funny. It's like she's had her personality removed. From what I've read, he really controls her and cut her off from her family. She's obviously deeply disturbed, and I suspect, a bit thick.
Paula: 'In England, we say hello to people.' Yeah in America, they just go 'Put 'em up!'
I feel a bit sorry for Rylan because he's on the backfoot, but it's not his fault he had to make those choices at the beginning. I feel like Big Brother set him up a bit because he's such an obvious favourite. Ok, so he could have gone into the basement, but I wouldn't have.
Spencer looks angry when Heidi talks. She looks sad in general. That's why they're interesting to watch.
Rylan, I don't think semen 'eats away at the wall of the vagina.' That sounds like something out of a horror film.
Spencer and Heidi have been given a task: to be villians. Rylan: 'suit your fucking self.' LOL. I love the way he talks, he reminds me of my boyfriend a bit, not the accent, but the turns of phrase.
I don't think Rylan is helping this Montag situation. Heidi talks like a fucking chipmunk. Razor is rabble-rousing!
I wish they had shown Spencer slagging them all off in the basement Diary Room. Spencer is like an army general. No wonder he's got the camo on. When is someone going to break it to him that the BB house isn't a mansion, but just a TV studio?
Surprise, surprise, chief fence-sitter Toadfish offers to unblock the drains, a job that's quite suitable for such a dull man. It's not like it's real shit in there. The Scott and Charlene wedding music was a nice touch. Toadfish aint stupid, he wants to grab a few votes. I'd rather Alf or Fisher were in the house.
Spencer: 'that girl's not cute.' Heidi: 'which one?' Spencer: 'Any of them.' He prefers his women shop-bought.
I like Frankie's dry humour, and the fact he's letting Rylan hang himself. He played a shrewd game because he got himself off the hook with the Montags by sending them back up to luxury, plus making Rylan deal with the fallout. Best buddies, not quite!
Sam seems quite cool, just keeping his head down and his mouth shut. Good to stay under that radar, unless you're someone I want out.
Footballers Wives WAS ace and it had Nicky Platt in it as the David Beckham type. I'd love to know what Rylan's 'nest of tables' looks like.
LOL to Heidi and Spencer hiding under the foil when Spencer came in, what a pair of immature, rude bastards. No wonder he sent them upstairs; get shot! That was a purely selfish decision on his part.
They wanted Toadie. They got the Pratts. Hilarious. Notice they left the basement quick enough!
Frankie: 'I think it's going to kick off now, that's why I done it.' Ha! Brilliant.
I think Spencer preferred martyrdom in the basement, don't you? Aw, Frankie, 'Look after my Rylan and the girls will you?' Don't pretend to care now, we know your game!
I'm still not impressed with that DR chair, it's like someone's chucked an old rug on it.
Rylan is right not to trust that couple. They're not people, they're just characters. Anyway, I heard they're all out of the basement now, and I'm pleased. I despise tasks that separate the housemates, it's against the natural order of the show. Let relationships develop naturally. Let villains be the person you least expect. Let it be 2002.
Hi, everyone else! How are you? I feel a bit split between my £50 on Rylan and my enjoyment of the Spencer and Heidi. It would be criminal if they were out first, but how could it go any other way? I watched the clip on Spencer kicking off on I'm a Celeb US and he is a PROPER nutcase. He was soooo aggressive. Someone peeled a label off Heidi's dry shampoo and he started ranting about 'arts and crafts' and slapping things out of people's hands. You'd be out on your ear for that kind of aggression on our show *suddenly remembers Conor... not so sure*. Talking of Conor, I thought they were meant to apologise for his disgusting scumbaggery at the start of the show as Ofcom ruled that he was a sexist douchebag, or whatever? Oh well, as long as I never have to see his spudhead again, I'll be happy. But I'll never forget!
Anyway, on with tonight's festivities. I don't mind Frankie at all, actually, I think he might be my second favourite.
Paula is quite well camouflaged on that sofa under her Del Boy coat, I was hoping someone was going to slag her off! 'Really sick' - she seems OK now. I do give her respect for that actressing. Not bad at all.
I think the other housemates like Steps more than Claire does. I've always got the feeling she hated her own music.
Are they really poisoning them in the basement? Surely that's not allowed.
It's weird the way Heidi just laughs at everything Spencer says, even when it's not funny. It's like she's had her personality removed. From what I've read, he really controls her and cut her off from her family. She's obviously deeply disturbed, and I suspect, a bit thick.
Paula: 'In England, we say hello to people.' Yeah in America, they just go 'Put 'em up!'
I feel a bit sorry for Rylan because he's on the backfoot, but it's not his fault he had to make those choices at the beginning. I feel like Big Brother set him up a bit because he's such an obvious favourite. Ok, so he could have gone into the basement, but I wouldn't have.
Spencer looks angry when Heidi talks. She looks sad in general. That's why they're interesting to watch.
Rylan, I don't think semen 'eats away at the wall of the vagina.' That sounds like something out of a horror film.
Spencer and Heidi have been given a task: to be villians. Rylan: 'suit your fucking self.' LOL. I love the way he talks, he reminds me of my boyfriend a bit, not the accent, but the turns of phrase.
I don't think Rylan is helping this Montag situation. Heidi talks like a fucking chipmunk. Razor is rabble-rousing!
I wish they had shown Spencer slagging them all off in the basement Diary Room. Spencer is like an army general. No wonder he's got the camo on. When is someone going to break it to him that the BB house isn't a mansion, but just a TV studio?
Surprise, surprise, chief fence-sitter Toadfish offers to unblock the drains, a job that's quite suitable for such a dull man. It's not like it's real shit in there. The Scott and Charlene wedding music was a nice touch. Toadfish aint stupid, he wants to grab a few votes. I'd rather Alf or Fisher were in the house.
Spencer: 'that girl's not cute.' Heidi: 'which one?' Spencer: 'Any of them.' He prefers his women shop-bought.
I like Frankie's dry humour, and the fact he's letting Rylan hang himself. He played a shrewd game because he got himself off the hook with the Montags by sending them back up to luxury, plus making Rylan deal with the fallout. Best buddies, not quite!
Sam seems quite cool, just keeping his head down and his mouth shut. Good to stay under that radar, unless you're someone I want out.
Footballers Wives WAS ace and it had Nicky Platt in it as the David Beckham type. I'd love to know what Rylan's 'nest of tables' looks like.
LOL to Heidi and Spencer hiding under the foil when Spencer came in, what a pair of immature, rude bastards. No wonder he sent them upstairs; get shot! That was a purely selfish decision on his part.
They wanted Toadie. They got the Pratts. Hilarious. Notice they left the basement quick enough!
Frankie: 'I think it's going to kick off now, that's why I done it.' Ha! Brilliant.
I think Spencer preferred martyrdom in the basement, don't you? Aw, Frankie, 'Look after my Rylan and the girls will you?' Don't pretend to care now, we know your game!
I'm still not impressed with that DR chair, it's like someone's chucked an old rug on it.
Rylan is right not to trust that couple. They're not people, they're just characters. Anyway, I heard they're all out of the basement now, and I'm pleased. I despise tasks that separate the housemates, it's against the natural order of the show. Let relationships develop naturally. Let villains be the person you least expect. Let it be 2002.
Friday, 4 January 2013
Celebrity Big Brother 2013: I'm in the basement, you're in the sky
Recap, recap, recap! So I found out Razor was the replacement for Jim Davidson, which is surprising when he's one of the most famous in there. Seriously, they must have spent about 25p on the housemates this year.
So I heard Paula's already out of the basement for 'health reasons'. Is it cos she needs her coconut? My boyfriend reckons she's got her stash in there. COKE-a-nut? Sniffy sniffy!
Why would everyone hate Lacey for being a page 3 model? I think they'd more likely hate her for having a stupid name. How can they do live nominations tonight when they've not even lived together? I hope they organise it a bit better than last time when we spent about 40 minutes waiting for Hev to nominate. Big Brother Australia knows how to do it, he rules with an iron fist.
Rylan to Claire: 'you changed my life.' Christ. How? Frankie seems alright so far.
Spencer trying to ingratiate himself with the other inmates was funny. Apparently The Hills is 'very posh.' I didn't even know Americans said the word 'posh'.
Heidi: 'I thought you all worked here.' The end of the sentence is because 'you're too ugly to be celebrities.'
Frankie why are you wearing a scarf indoors? You're not in the basement. Spencer is right; they are like a bunch of weirdos.
It's good that they can talk to each other through the garden. That's so weird that Spencer and Heidi didn't go up and say hello: weak gameplay! Sloppy. Cut your nose off to spite your face society! Haha, I liked their conversation and their fake English accents. How do they know about 'reem'?! It's kind of funny they can't be bothered to come up. I admire that stubbornness.
They've all researched each other! Aren't they meant to be in sequester before? Singer and jockey boy? How does he know all this?
Lacey's got an annoying voice! Sam is 'technically, totally single.' Lacey: 'That means you're not.' She's not that stupid, is she? That doesn't make sense.
Spencer and Heidi are really endearing themselves to the British public, aren't they? LOL, crumpets and tea. Spencer is a pisstaker extraordinare.
Spencer would have sacrificed himself and gone into the basement! Yeah, right! He's hilarious, but he's not for real, he's just a reality contestant by numbers. I like him, though! He's entertaining. He's a good villain.
I just wouldn't wash if I had to wash with a bucket of cold water. I'd happily not wash for a week.
The house looks nice, kind of chintzy. Frankie: 'eventually they're going to have a task where someone's got to sleep with someone.' It's not that sort of show, is it?
Are they seriously going to eat that food off the floor? Have they ever heard of the five second rule? That is disgusting.
Lucy Banghard has took her skirt/trousers off already. Isn't it cold in the igloo? That's not going to endear her to the general public.
Did I mention I put £50 on Rylan FTW last night? I'm a little bit worried now, because Spencer seems like a reality TV pro and he's got Rylan in his sights. Perhaps I was a little rash with my betting!
Razor finds 'Stacey and Spencer a bit strange'. That's a bit rich coming from him. Those beds look really nice in the main house.
Bogey talk in the basement. Eww. Heidi is sleeping with tin foil over her head.
I hate to hate on the page 3 girl but she's getting on my nerves already. Put some clothes on.
Uh oh, Rylan's coming over a bit Darth Vader in the Diary Room. Don't go evil, Rylan! I'm counting on your camp humour to win me the big bucks.
Paula's pretending to have a health problem to get out of the basement. I admire her chutzpah. Nice one! She's probably withdrawing off the coconut. You sly old dog. You've got to respect that level of bullshit.
Ok we're onto nominations now. How can they nominate when they've not even met all of them? 'Do not swear.' Not even a please!
Rylan, sacrifice yourself to the basement! It's the only way I'll win my £50. Lacey's got no clothes on again. We need Aaron in here to fix the vote, like when he did over Jay McKay (well, Faye, actually).
Those sofas look nice. I want to sit round there with Rylan. Frankie: 'I'm a man, I can do it.' Yeah cos a woman couldn't take those conditions of a dark TV studio.
Frankie: 'I am standing up.' At least that was funny. What is all this 'it's a man's job' bullshit? This isn't nominations. This is just writing names on an etch a sketch.
Rylan drew a horse, bless. He should have gone down, this is going to count against him! I'm worried now!
Frankie's used to going in crack dens to pick up his coke anyway. Ha, Spencer and Heidi still can't be bothered to go into the garden, they're like part of the Flowers in the Attic dynasty. They need sunlight! Where the hell are they? Are they not even saying hello to Frankie? Their gameplan is nutso!
Frankie digging Heidi and Spencer out for not coming upstairs! He's brave. I wouldn't mess with them. Send Spencer and Heidi upstairs to get rid of them. Toadfish is being a basement martyr, baby!
Heidi's not annoying at ALL, is she? Take her, Lacey and Spencer and drown them in the pool. Why are they all kissing Razor's booty? Just trying to get shot of him, I think.
Well this didn't go the way Big Brother hoped, did it?
Hold that thought! BRILLIANT! Frankie ignored all the toadying and sent Spencer and Heidi up. He just wanted rid of them, didn't he? That was marvelous. Razor's going to be fuming!
AWKWARD! 'Hi, I'm Heidi, nice to meet you.' Eventually.
Rylan's crawling to them! I don't blame him. This is good, this is going to make much better TV than sending Razor up there.
Heidi has got a really annoying voice, too. Be careful jumping on those cushions, Heidi, don't break your face. I'd be after a shower, I think, not the champers. Razor and Toadfish are the nicest people Spencer has ever met? He needs to get out more. Out of the basement! And into the ether. Let the games begin.
So I heard Paula's already out of the basement for 'health reasons'. Is it cos she needs her coconut? My boyfriend reckons she's got her stash in there. COKE-a-nut? Sniffy sniffy!
Why would everyone hate Lacey for being a page 3 model? I think they'd more likely hate her for having a stupid name. How can they do live nominations tonight when they've not even lived together? I hope they organise it a bit better than last time when we spent about 40 minutes waiting for Hev to nominate. Big Brother Australia knows how to do it, he rules with an iron fist.
Rylan to Claire: 'you changed my life.' Christ. How? Frankie seems alright so far.
Spencer trying to ingratiate himself with the other inmates was funny. Apparently The Hills is 'very posh.' I didn't even know Americans said the word 'posh'.
Heidi: 'I thought you all worked here.' The end of the sentence is because 'you're too ugly to be celebrities.'
Frankie why are you wearing a scarf indoors? You're not in the basement. Spencer is right; they are like a bunch of weirdos.
It's good that they can talk to each other through the garden. That's so weird that Spencer and Heidi didn't go up and say hello: weak gameplay! Sloppy. Cut your nose off to spite your face society! Haha, I liked their conversation and their fake English accents. How do they know about 'reem'?! It's kind of funny they can't be bothered to come up. I admire that stubbornness.
They've all researched each other! Aren't they meant to be in sequester before? Singer and jockey boy? How does he know all this?
Lacey's got an annoying voice! Sam is 'technically, totally single.' Lacey: 'That means you're not.' She's not that stupid, is she? That doesn't make sense.
Spencer and Heidi are really endearing themselves to the British public, aren't they? LOL, crumpets and tea. Spencer is a pisstaker extraordinare.
Spencer would have sacrificed himself and gone into the basement! Yeah, right! He's hilarious, but he's not for real, he's just a reality contestant by numbers. I like him, though! He's entertaining. He's a good villain.
I just wouldn't wash if I had to wash with a bucket of cold water. I'd happily not wash for a week.
The house looks nice, kind of chintzy. Frankie: 'eventually they're going to have a task where someone's got to sleep with someone.' It's not that sort of show, is it?
Are they seriously going to eat that food off the floor? Have they ever heard of the five second rule? That is disgusting.
Lucy Banghard has took her skirt/trousers off already. Isn't it cold in the igloo? That's not going to endear her to the general public.
Did I mention I put £50 on Rylan FTW last night? I'm a little bit worried now, because Spencer seems like a reality TV pro and he's got Rylan in his sights. Perhaps I was a little rash with my betting!
Razor finds 'Stacey and Spencer a bit strange'. That's a bit rich coming from him. Those beds look really nice in the main house.
Bogey talk in the basement. Eww. Heidi is sleeping with tin foil over her head.
I hate to hate on the page 3 girl but she's getting on my nerves already. Put some clothes on.
Uh oh, Rylan's coming over a bit Darth Vader in the Diary Room. Don't go evil, Rylan! I'm counting on your camp humour to win me the big bucks.
Paula's pretending to have a health problem to get out of the basement. I admire her chutzpah. Nice one! She's probably withdrawing off the coconut. You sly old dog. You've got to respect that level of bullshit.
Ok we're onto nominations now. How can they nominate when they've not even met all of them? 'Do not swear.' Not even a please!
Rylan, sacrifice yourself to the basement! It's the only way I'll win my £50. Lacey's got no clothes on again. We need Aaron in here to fix the vote, like when he did over Jay McKay (well, Faye, actually).
Those sofas look nice. I want to sit round there with Rylan. Frankie: 'I'm a man, I can do it.' Yeah cos a woman couldn't take those conditions of a dark TV studio.
Frankie: 'I am standing up.' At least that was funny. What is all this 'it's a man's job' bullshit? This isn't nominations. This is just writing names on an etch a sketch.
Rylan drew a horse, bless. He should have gone down, this is going to count against him! I'm worried now!
Frankie's used to going in crack dens to pick up his coke anyway. Ha, Spencer and Heidi still can't be bothered to go into the garden, they're like part of the Flowers in the Attic dynasty. They need sunlight! Where the hell are they? Are they not even saying hello to Frankie? Their gameplan is nutso!
Frankie digging Heidi and Spencer out for not coming upstairs! He's brave. I wouldn't mess with them. Send Spencer and Heidi upstairs to get rid of them. Toadfish is being a basement martyr, baby!
Heidi's not annoying at ALL, is she? Take her, Lacey and Spencer and drown them in the pool. Why are they all kissing Razor's booty? Just trying to get shot of him, I think.
Well this didn't go the way Big Brother hoped, did it?
Hold that thought! BRILLIANT! Frankie ignored all the toadying and sent Spencer and Heidi up. He just wanted rid of them, didn't he? That was marvelous. Razor's going to be fuming!
AWKWARD! 'Hi, I'm Heidi, nice to meet you.' Eventually.
Rylan's crawling to them! I don't blame him. This is good, this is going to make much better TV than sending Razor up there.
Heidi has got a really annoying voice, too. Be careful jumping on those cushions, Heidi, don't break your face. I'd be after a shower, I think, not the champers. Razor and Toadfish are the nicest people Spencer has ever met? He needs to get out more. Out of the basement! And into the ether. Let the games begin.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Launch show
Well, hello there and happy new year. Tonight's the night! And the best part: no Jim Davidson! That could have been a bit awkward after he called Brian 'a shirtlifter' and worse on another reality show, so I'm sure Brian is feeling smug that old Jim was arrested for sex offences, ironically whilst flying into Heathrow to appear on BB. I hate people who talk of karma, but it does seem quite just. On the other hand, Brian is looking quite botoxed, so not sure he could have frowned at Jim anyway.
Hmm, not sure about this 'theme' stuff - it normally interrupts the flow of things.
First up, Frankie Dettori, jockey and cockhead. Has he got 'little man syndrome'? We'll soon find out. 'One minute of madness.' Yeah, right. Just one line was it? Wasn't that the same excuse Frankie Cocozza gave? Is this the best they could do for the first housemate? We all know sportspeople have no personality.
Christ, look at the crowd, it's like Shaun of the Dead.
Yay, Rylan! Now we're talking. It might be worth putting a few quid on Rylan, you know, who could beat him? He's funny as fuck. I'll never get over his anecdote about being mugged by a fox; just pure poetry. I'm so glad they put him in. Are some people actually booing Rylan? You homophobes. My boyfriend just honestly went 'who's this child' about Frankie Dettori still standing on stage. I think they might get on well.
So Rylan and Frankie get to choose who goes in the basement; well JLC is first up, if he's going in the house. I'm in the basement, you're in the sky, etc.
When Rylan's having to explain a task to someone, you know you're in trouble. The Diary Room chair looks like the Streetcars chair in Corrie, like someone's just chucked an old rug on it.
Morrissey wrote a song about this situation: 'I feel too cold... and then I feel too warm again.' Actually, on second thoughts, this task doesn't seem too bad. So Rylan and Frankie choose out of pairs who gets to live in luxury and who lives in squalor. It depends who they pair them up with, I suppose.
Frankie's strategy is to 'see how the celebrities walk'. Rylan: 'if they're horrible, fuck 'em off.' Sounds like a better strategy.
So Paula Hamilton is up next. She's barely a celebrity. Didn't she drunk drive into a tree recently, and said she was going out to get Lemsip or some shit. 'Boris is a coconut and I speak to him.' WTF. Don't 'summon yourself up', Paula. She's like a poor man's Stephanie Beecham or Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's mum. Lemsip, Beechams, what's next? Send this bitch to the basement. She's got Del Boy's jacket on so she'll be warm in that basement.
Who the fuck is Trisha Penrose? Is this Jim Davidson's replacement? This is a fucking barrel scrape. She needs to put some Spanx on. Some people shouldn't wear body-con dresses (and I'm one of them). She looks like mutton dressed as offal. I don't remember her from Corrie. Good friends with Denise Welch? I wouldn't admit to that, the old lush.
The basement is probably what Paula Hamilton's crack den looks like anyway.
I love Rylan's turn of phrase: 'this is just muggy.' Big Brother: 'they are both bubbly.' Well, Paula's not that fat. Rylan: 'we're fucking sorry about this.' Say it how it is.
They've got name badges on, I'm sure they don't normally have them, it's like an episode of Deal or No Deal.
At least Paula's jacket will keep her warm. That tap dripping would drive me fucking nuts. She won't be laughing for too long.
What's the betting either Frankie or Rylan have to go to the basement, too? I think Rylan will nominate himself if it comes to it.
Toadfish times. You can't trust a man who stays in a soap for 18 years, it's like Ken Barlow. He looks skinnier than I remember. That car crash looked good. I hope he doesn't say 'ay' at the end of every sentence like the housemates on Big Brother Australia. I can't imagine him being that interesting. So his name is Ryan Maloney. I'd rather see Toad from Mario Kart or Christopher Maloney in there.
Next up is Gillian Taylforth, also known as Ian Beale's mum, reminiscing about her wonderful rape storyline. What about her wonderful getting caught giving her husband a blowjob in a lay-by storyline? Oh no, that was real life. She looks quite good actually, she obviously has a good surgeon. I used to think she was good in Footballers' Wives. LOL to Frankie calling Gillian 'Kathy'. I'm surprised they sent Toadfish down. I think Frankie just wants to meet Kathy. I could see these two harridans getting on (Gillian and Trisha).
Paula couldn't even be bothered to get up when Toadfish came in. Ha, she thought he was a member of staff. 'I'm an actor'. Can you call yourself an actor when you've played the same role for 18 years?
My boyfriend is whittling about the format but it's no worse than the normal slog of the launch show.
Fucking hell, man someone who was in Corrie when he was 10. Sam Robertson. I've watched Corrie all my life and I don't recognise him. Is he the fill in for Jim Davidson? It's hard to choose, isn't it. Terrible line-up. Really poor. He's not bad looking but I bet he's boring as fuck.
Lacy Banghard. I'm guessing she's a porn star? Just a hunch. She's quite cute, but I find the glamour models so dull. Still, the Playboy twins last year broke the mould by having personalities, and interesting ones at that.
I think Sam fancies himself the most. Brian can't hear what's going on - oh dear. Rylan wants Sam upstairs! Haha, outvoted. Lacy looks pleased as punch. It would probably have been more fun to see her suffer. 'Hi, I'm Lacy Banghard, how do you do?'
So far I have recognised less than half of these people. 12 seems like a bit of a tight number of celebrities too, I'm sure they have more.
Next up is Claire Richards. At least she's famous. She seems like a right moody bitch in all those Steps reality shows. Lets hope she's less of a fence-sitting little sniveling bore than her bandmate H who stood back and watched Shilpa Shetty get racially abused when not moonlighting as Donny Tourette's stepladder. She's my favourite member of Steps though, if it was Lisa Scott-Lee or Faye 'HR' Tozier I couldn't bear to watch. My boyfriend is commenting unkindly on her size, but we've just got a new TV and I think it's making her look a bit squashed. She has got murder gloves on. I like her hair colour. I think she's really pretty.
Neil Razor Ruddock. He's another wife-beater, isn't he? He's definitely a sexist prick. Another fat, gross sportsperson. Just stick him, Gazza and Phil Tuffnell in a blender and we'll be done. We don't need another Vinnie Jones, thanks. Send this cunt to the basement. I knew Rylan would want to meet Claire. LOL, Frankie doesn't like Razor.
It's all women in the house, it's like when they all waited for Ziggy and Brian Belo to arrive. It's like a really rubbish hen party.
Lastly, it's Heidi and Spencer Pratt. I know nothing about them except he's a knob and she mutilated herself beyond words. I think these two will actually be good value. Unlike almost everyone else we've seen so far. Why is he wearing that camo gear? I think he's prepared for the basement. Are they counting as one housemate or two? Why had no one done the back of her hair? He's really fucking ugly. I think I'm going to love to hate him. Did Heidi just call Rylan 'a big popstar'?
Ha, Rylan and Frankie sent Heidi and Spencer to the basement together rather than take their place there. I don't bloody blame them! Spencer is mad. Frankie: 'there's plenty of shit coming on the horizon.' Spencer is going to be a great villain, I think. Married three times? Publicity whores!
Rylan on Heidi: 'she seemed half decent, she's had a lot done, but good luck to her.' Ha!
I want to put £50 on Rylan. I'm sure his odds are awful as he's probably the deadest cert since Mad Pete, but really, who could beat him?
No need to play Florence at the end to compound the misery. Depending on how long they're in the basement, it could really make a difference to the outcome, I hope they don't drag it out too much, I hate it when they do that with tasks.
Now where the fuck were Justin Lee Collins and Meatloaf?
This will all be extrapolated on further on our silly podcast, if you care to listen at in an hour or two, you can click on it, just on the right there. *points* Goodnight!
Hmm, not sure about this 'theme' stuff - it normally interrupts the flow of things.
First up, Frankie Dettori, jockey and cockhead. Has he got 'little man syndrome'? We'll soon find out. 'One minute of madness.' Yeah, right. Just one line was it? Wasn't that the same excuse Frankie Cocozza gave? Is this the best they could do for the first housemate? We all know sportspeople have no personality.
Christ, look at the crowd, it's like Shaun of the Dead.
Yay, Rylan! Now we're talking. It might be worth putting a few quid on Rylan, you know, who could beat him? He's funny as fuck. I'll never get over his anecdote about being mugged by a fox; just pure poetry. I'm so glad they put him in. Are some people actually booing Rylan? You homophobes. My boyfriend just honestly went 'who's this child' about Frankie Dettori still standing on stage. I think they might get on well.
So Rylan and Frankie get to choose who goes in the basement; well JLC is first up, if he's going in the house. I'm in the basement, you're in the sky, etc.
When Rylan's having to explain a task to someone, you know you're in trouble. The Diary Room chair looks like the Streetcars chair in Corrie, like someone's just chucked an old rug on it.
Morrissey wrote a song about this situation: 'I feel too cold... and then I feel too warm again.' Actually, on second thoughts, this task doesn't seem too bad. So Rylan and Frankie choose out of pairs who gets to live in luxury and who lives in squalor. It depends who they pair them up with, I suppose.
Frankie's strategy is to 'see how the celebrities walk'. Rylan: 'if they're horrible, fuck 'em off.' Sounds like a better strategy.
So Paula Hamilton is up next. She's barely a celebrity. Didn't she drunk drive into a tree recently, and said she was going out to get Lemsip or some shit. 'Boris is a coconut and I speak to him.' WTF. Don't 'summon yourself up', Paula. She's like a poor man's Stephanie Beecham or Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's mum. Lemsip, Beechams, what's next? Send this bitch to the basement. She's got Del Boy's jacket on so she'll be warm in that basement.
Who the fuck is Trisha Penrose? Is this Jim Davidson's replacement? This is a fucking barrel scrape. She needs to put some Spanx on. Some people shouldn't wear body-con dresses (and I'm one of them). She looks like mutton dressed as offal. I don't remember her from Corrie. Good friends with Denise Welch? I wouldn't admit to that, the old lush.
The basement is probably what Paula Hamilton's crack den looks like anyway.
I love Rylan's turn of phrase: 'this is just muggy.' Big Brother: 'they are both bubbly.' Well, Paula's not that fat. Rylan: 'we're fucking sorry about this.' Say it how it is.
They've got name badges on, I'm sure they don't normally have them, it's like an episode of Deal or No Deal.
At least Paula's jacket will keep her warm. That tap dripping would drive me fucking nuts. She won't be laughing for too long.
What's the betting either Frankie or Rylan have to go to the basement, too? I think Rylan will nominate himself if it comes to it.
Toadfish times. You can't trust a man who stays in a soap for 18 years, it's like Ken Barlow. He looks skinnier than I remember. That car crash looked good. I hope he doesn't say 'ay' at the end of every sentence like the housemates on Big Brother Australia. I can't imagine him being that interesting. So his name is Ryan Maloney. I'd rather see Toad from Mario Kart or Christopher Maloney in there.
Next up is Gillian Taylforth, also known as Ian Beale's mum, reminiscing about her wonderful rape storyline. What about her wonderful getting caught giving her husband a blowjob in a lay-by storyline? Oh no, that was real life. She looks quite good actually, she obviously has a good surgeon. I used to think she was good in Footballers' Wives. LOL to Frankie calling Gillian 'Kathy'. I'm surprised they sent Toadfish down. I think Frankie just wants to meet Kathy. I could see these two harridans getting on (Gillian and Trisha).
Paula couldn't even be bothered to get up when Toadfish came in. Ha, she thought he was a member of staff. 'I'm an actor'. Can you call yourself an actor when you've played the same role for 18 years?
My boyfriend is whittling about the format but it's no worse than the normal slog of the launch show.
Fucking hell, man someone who was in Corrie when he was 10. Sam Robertson. I've watched Corrie all my life and I don't recognise him. Is he the fill in for Jim Davidson? It's hard to choose, isn't it. Terrible line-up. Really poor. He's not bad looking but I bet he's boring as fuck.
Lacy Banghard. I'm guessing she's a porn star? Just a hunch. She's quite cute, but I find the glamour models so dull. Still, the Playboy twins last year broke the mould by having personalities, and interesting ones at that.
I think Sam fancies himself the most. Brian can't hear what's going on - oh dear. Rylan wants Sam upstairs! Haha, outvoted. Lacy looks pleased as punch. It would probably have been more fun to see her suffer. 'Hi, I'm Lacy Banghard, how do you do?'
So far I have recognised less than half of these people. 12 seems like a bit of a tight number of celebrities too, I'm sure they have more.
Next up is Claire Richards. At least she's famous. She seems like a right moody bitch in all those Steps reality shows. Lets hope she's less of a fence-sitting little sniveling bore than her bandmate H who stood back and watched Shilpa Shetty get racially abused when not moonlighting as Donny Tourette's stepladder. She's my favourite member of Steps though, if it was Lisa Scott-Lee or Faye 'HR' Tozier I couldn't bear to watch. My boyfriend is commenting unkindly on her size, but we've just got a new TV and I think it's making her look a bit squashed. She has got murder gloves on. I like her hair colour. I think she's really pretty.
Neil Razor Ruddock. He's another wife-beater, isn't he? He's definitely a sexist prick. Another fat, gross sportsperson. Just stick him, Gazza and Phil Tuffnell in a blender and we'll be done. We don't need another Vinnie Jones, thanks. Send this cunt to the basement. I knew Rylan would want to meet Claire. LOL, Frankie doesn't like Razor.
It's all women in the house, it's like when they all waited for Ziggy and Brian Belo to arrive. It's like a really rubbish hen party.
Lastly, it's Heidi and Spencer Pratt. I know nothing about them except he's a knob and she mutilated herself beyond words. I think these two will actually be good value. Unlike almost everyone else we've seen so far. Why is he wearing that camo gear? I think he's prepared for the basement. Are they counting as one housemate or two? Why had no one done the back of her hair? He's really fucking ugly. I think I'm going to love to hate him. Did Heidi just call Rylan 'a big popstar'?
Ha, Rylan and Frankie sent Heidi and Spencer to the basement together rather than take their place there. I don't bloody blame them! Spencer is mad. Frankie: 'there's plenty of shit coming on the horizon.' Spencer is going to be a great villain, I think. Married three times? Publicity whores!
Rylan on Heidi: 'she seemed half decent, she's had a lot done, but good luck to her.' Ha!
I want to put £50 on Rylan. I'm sure his odds are awful as he's probably the deadest cert since Mad Pete, but really, who could beat him?
No need to play Florence at the end to compound the misery. Depending on how long they're in the basement, it could really make a difference to the outcome, I hope they don't drag it out too much, I hate it when they do that with tasks.
Now where the fuck were Justin Lee Collins and Meatloaf?
This will all be extrapolated on further on our silly podcast, if you care to listen at in an hour or two, you can click on it, just on the right there. *points* Goodnight!
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