Big Brother UK 2017: Election crimes

I'm back, bitches! Yes, I'm as cliche as Big Brother itself and definitely as tired. I have so far managed to avoid house spoilers and people spoilers (what happened to good old fashioned finding out on the night, hey!)
Emma is dressed like a contemporary doily. Her neck is going a bit Deirdre Barlow. I'm not even going to mention the hair. Where's the house tour! Instead we get a lecture about pulling together. Save it for the tribute concert. This is Big Brother, get back to the backstabbing (not literally).
So the twist is we get to vote one person in. Boring. Andrew, Simone, Sue and Tom. They all look dull as fuck.
They are bringing in people from all over the UK. Just like always! 'The United Kingdom of Big Brother.' Not that catchy, really.
So they've got Rylan on the main show now. What's going on with the beard.
First in is Arthur. Good laugh he's got there. I love poshos. A house full of poshos, please! Where the fuck is Dunsford. 'Hold on mum and dad I'm going in Big Brother, I'm going to be a superstar.' 'I love a mug, I'm a teapot, let's have a tea party.'
I'm liking the chintz. My house is like a cross between that and an abandoned squat, too.
Ellie is in next. They've obviously cut the budget cos they're filming their VTs themselves. She likes fish and chips 'but will make do with a ham sandwich.' It's good to have standards. 'I'd have to do something terrible not to win.' Called Donald Trump an 'orange man'. Pot, kettle, orange. Don't pretend you don't know what he's called! You know! Even someone as thick as you. She looks like a sausage. I didn't know people were still slut dropping. I guess that what goes on in Castleford, wherever the fuck that is.
Arthur: 'It's so jokes.' What bad language did Arthur do?
I can't vote poundland Russell Brand Andrew in, not with that accent. Simone is representing the North East. No thanks. She has more sides to her than a new pound coin. At least she gave good gusto to her speech. Simone is no wallflower. 'Power to the people!' Tom from Swansea looks like a chav. I don't like any of these people. Can we have a no-alition?
Next in is Lotan, a dreamboy from Braintree in Essex. Looks like every day is a bad hair day for Lotan. His willy is insured for 12 million. What are his premiums on that? My co-host Gaz says 'he seems like he's intelligent.' Yes, I will quote him on that. Why is he trying to force sweets into Emma Willis's mouth? Peculiar.
Lotan can't understand what Emma's saying. Emma: 'Can we just get you in there?' Lotan: 'Yeah fuck it.'
Lotan said 'you look black' to Ellie, oh dear. She's just got back from 'Magaluff'.
Next in is Imran and Sukhvinder. She's Sikh and he's Muslim. The new Jack and Joe. I like their dog. They look very young to have such old children. Ooh, they're individual players! I think that makes it more interesting. She thinks she's going to last longer than him, ha. They're doing it for their children, Jasmine and Gadaffi, ahem. I find the 'he's a Muslim, she's Sikh' thing patronising and heavy handed. Yes, we all know people from different cultures, you're hardly breaking new ground, Big Brother.
Ooh, they are mentioning the auditions as pairs.
Arthur: 'Do you drink?' to Imran straight away, haha.
Next in is Charlotte and Mandy, mum and daughter. Fuck, the last thing we need is the new Jackie and Charlie Travers. I'm hoping the mum is more Karen BBCAN5 than Jackie. Woah, what is Charlotte wearing going in? Candy pink bolero sleeves, not good. The mum looks better. It's creepy that they're holding hands, unless one is helping the other across the road.
Arthur was checking the mum out, 100%!
Stop giving Andrew the mic, please. He's irritating as fuck! Nikki backs him! Legends shouldn't back desperation.
Next in is Deborah and Hannah from Nigeria/East London. They seem like normal people (ie. Londoners). Fake laughs FTW. Interesting choice of outfits to into the house there. They both look like they aged 30 years. They're bringing glittery backs. It's like half traditional dress, half wheel of fortune assistants. It's an eek from me.
Joe is some old dude from South London. He looks like he's got eyeliner on. He looks melted. 56! He looks 65. 'Don't say it in the diary room, say it to my face.' Say it in the DR and they'll play it to your face. He used to run a nightclub in Tenerife. TERRY TIBBS. Talking of drowning, he's like they melted Showbiz and Barrymore together. He's my pick to get kicked out for being racist.
Simone can understand people. I can't understand her. I don't want any of these four to go in!
Next in is Keiran and Rebecca. He's a honeytrapper and 'man whore'. I think she's his pimp. Rebecca has come out dressed like a granny on a cruise ship. Put down the lace and sequins. Keiran's got a birds' nest on his head. That's Emma's job. No escaping humidity! That was an awkward interview. Keiran 'revels' in female attention.
Joe/Terry Tibbs is like 'it's brutal out there' and Keiran is like 'it's alright'.
Next is Kayleigh. She looks like she should be on Love Island. Her stories are shit, something about a dream and her mum. That's like the worst sort of work colleagues' stories. She looks like she's wearing some old wallpaper from a haunted house.
Kayleigh knows Keiran! Fix, etc.
The audience look extra chavlicious tonight. Where do they ship them in from, Home Bargains?
Sue wants to go in cos she's a 'black girl with an Asian dress' and she's going to 'stir, cook and serve.' I can't believe you have to pay to vote for this! It should be on the app. I'm not paying for that! I do feel they've mistimed the vote. Everyone is new to us, so who cares about 4 new people? Two weeks in and we might want fresh blood and actually vote.
Raph is half American/ half Japanese and believes 'love is a weakness'. I'm getting Andrew from last year vibes. I like him! Him and Arthur. Those green shorts, though! He watches Big Brother Canada and the other international Big Brothers! Woo. He's my pick to win. Seemed super friendly going in, like a puppy. I don't care if he voted Trump! People are moaning at me on Twitter about it. Who gives a shit! I don't give a fuck who people vote for in the Big Brother house, what do I want, a house full of people like me? Fuck that! I'm guessing it's like when Jordan Parhar pretended to be ultra conservative to get in the Big Brother Canada house and then just went to sleep during the veto. I hope Raph isn't going to be similarly over-confident as I might put a couple of quid on him.
Liked Raph's intro to Suchvinder 'I like that it's diverse, I'm half Japanese myself.' Strong gameplay!
Chanelle is next from Manchester. Looks like Scarlett from Gogglebox got spliced with Katie Price. I like all her chins and her enormous boobs and her silly eyebrows. Fanny flaps mention FTW. Ooh mentioning Manchester! Shrewd gameplay here. Now we're dealing with the big guns. Her and Raph are in here for business, just like Kevin Robert Martin. I've got my eye on her. 
At least this Tom idiot put some of the others on blast.
This 'twist' is ruining the atmosphere. Bring back the golden ticket!
I like the mouldy-looking round couch. Oh, so the new person going in is going to be head of household, basically.
Why do they never have any good strong female housemates on BBUK! We rarely get shrewd, smart women in there.
Time to find out who's going in! (Who cares?) Andrew is crying hot tears of future lost magazine deals. In last place is Simone. She took it well. We'll never get to find out her hidden secrets. Sue didn't get in either! I'm surprised.
Who the hell voted for Tom?! Must have been cos he was on last. I was glad to see Andrew's hopes dashed, I must admit. But Tom is like a pointless little pitbull.
Tom is 'the people's housemate'. A bit like when Eric Stein was 'America's player.' So Tom is going to get info from the outside world, from the idiot general public. So they're going to split the house. I HATE house splits and I hate them the first night, especially. I hated it Kate Lawler's year and I hated in in BBAU when Tim was in there. It ruins the flow of the house and the dynamic of the relationships.
No Prosecco left for Tom, unlucky! But we can chat to him on Facebook live later. If we could understand what he's saying. OUTSIDE CONTACT etc.
PODCAST INCOMING in the next couple of hours! Keep your eye on this: https://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm
I promise to try and keep the blog up this series... wish me luck.