Big Brother UK 2017: 'It's 210 times harder to get into Big Brother than Harvard'

Here we go again! I was asked why I watch Big Brother today when it's full of 'low lives, gays, slags, whores and scum.' I know, nice, right? I guess I feel at home in that company!
So let's find out a bit more about my new best friends.
Oh God, it's the recap part.
I like Arthur not knowing what a dreamboy is. Wow, Sukvinder and Imran have been married 22 years! That's cool. I still believe in love!
Do not be calling Sukhvinder Sukh. She is NOT keen. I like the way she says it with a smile on her face. I guess I'd better get used to spelling it right then.
Arthur seems a bit out of his depth with all the magazine dealers. Cos he just seems normal. NORMAL is the keyword isn't it. As Morrissey says, there's no such thing in life as normal.
Haha, Keiran calling Chanelle a 'handful' when she comes in. We can SEE that much!
Someone doesn't know what 'having your citizenship revoked' means. Ask Donald Trump.
Arthur getting into the pool was a bit anti-climatic. Like an old person lowering themselves into the shallow end.
I HATE this Tom guy. MORON. Who voted for him! You fuckheads.
Joe doesn't like Arthur undressing the mannequin. Who cares! Mannequin gate has zero rings to it. Who did Arthur go 'what's your problem love' to? Boo.
I would like to have seen more than one sentence of Arthur and Sukhvinder's conversation about religion ie. 'Sikhs come from India.' Literally then show us one sentence conversations. Editing!
Oh no, Joe likes Raff (I'm spelling it how it's pronounced so I pronounce it right on my pod) and Tom doesn't cos he's seen his VT. I hate people getting judged on VTs. It reminds me of Jackie Travers vendetta against Callum cos of all the imaginary women he'd slept with.
I love Raff strategising with Chanelle. They're gonna have 'psycho chats'. I'm sure! He's enjoying talking to her. 'It's important to find someone you can trust.' ALLIANCE. He's gonna use Chanelle as a meat shield, lol. OMG at 'It's 210 times harder to get into Big Brother than Harvard.' AMAZING. I HATE everyone who says he's gonna be first boot. He's EXACTLY what I want from my Big Brother contestant. I look at his Twitter today, he was chatting about KEVIN ROBERT MARTIN. He is us.
People say, oh it's all Love Island people and it is, but I still feel this same familiar feeling in my heart, that my favourite is going out first week. And maybe I like that feeling. Cos it gives me more to moan about.
Tom has been called to the 'intelligence centre.' Uh oh. How did he get past the doorman?
Ooh! Tom sees Lotan as his competiton! Good, I want them to fight and take each other out.
Why is Lotan plugging Head and Shoulders? Oh I know, cos Ted told him to. He makes the Twistos twist look subtle.
Who cares what the 'people of Facebook' think. I hate the fact Raff has got thrown under the bus cos of his VT. Dickwad shouldn't have even seen his VT.
I didn't note down who the public like or don't like. I hate the way Tom spoke to Rafe. So he's been nice so he's playing a game? Fuck off, he's being polite on the first night, you thick fuck.
So dimwit has to split the house in two. 
Ooh, he's splitting the sisters up. That's not going to go down well. It's good though cos we'll then see them under the cosh. Oh he's split up the couple, too! Meanie. Basically everyone he is putting on the poor side, I like.
I like Chanelle screeching in Tom's face, ha. 'Cos you're loud and annoying.'  
Ooh Tom has drawn first blood against Lotan! Nice. Let the young bucks fight it out, to the death preferably. 'Time to go big game hunting!' as Karen BBCAN5 said.
Chanelle on her boyfriend: 'He's got a ten inch dick and he's a very giving person.'
Blowjob talk! 'I haven't got the patience to do it until they come.' Half arsed!
The man whore is explaining his strategy for honey trapping. Haha, I like them saying he's out of a job. He's like a cut price Derrick Lavveseur who can't go back to pretending to be a hipster park co-ordinator/undercover cop.
I don't like that outdoor DR one bit! Unsettling. If I wanted to watch outdoor things, I'd watch fucking Survivor. I like things INDOORS. Like my social life. I want to feel relaxed, like I can wear a dressing gown like Jo O Meara. OK, maybe not that relaxed.
The sisters don't like anyone. Weeelllll.
Have they actually been exiled yet? I can't tell the difference between the exile side and the other side.
Lotan: 'United citizens of who the gives the fuck.' That was almost a sentence.
The mum and daughter like Rafe! Yay. He is cute.
OMG I LOVE the bedroom furniture. I have those net curtains, basically. I like the wallpaper, the poofe, the rug... everything. The artwork looks very me, too.
I realise where I recognise this honeytrapper woman now... This Morning. I couldn't give a fuck what she thinks about anything. Boring!
Sukhvinder has got the hump: 'I don't want to come on some dumb show.' Um. Her husband looks weary already, ha.
Ellie: 'I love drinking, me.' Well, it's moving on from blinking, I guess.
I don't really get the split when they can both hang out on both sides (like Chanelle's boobs). What's the point?
Chanelle: 'I'm not gonna lick anyone's arse.' She won't even give anyone a blowjob, so...
Argh they're all worrying about Raff being a gameplanner. Annoying! Stupid Tom!
I like the decor in the exile room too. It still has nice cushions, etc even though they've made the walls look mock grubby.
Woah, that bathroom is very green. Toothbrush strategy first night! Bold.
Arthur is doing a stirring speech to the exiles. Ooh I like this sister saying 'we have to win.' The exiles wanna start a riot. Start by burning Tom's jeans.
That seemed to go by really fast, which I think is a good sign?
I'm just enjoying having BBUK back on and all the Twitter fun, really. The house will take shape and what will be, will be. We can't affect it. We don't decide.
Ooh, did you check out our launch night podcast by the way? Thanks if you have a chance to listen.