Celebrity Big Brother 2017: All star family (mis) fortunes

This should be peak CBB excitement for me, if I wasn't sick, therefore can't podcast, and have not seen another person for about a week. Putting all that aside, plus any other existential crap about 'is Big Brother past it's sell by date' 'why do I still watch?' 'Is that still on?' 'What about the live feed?' etc and just looking at tonight's show in a vacuum, it will no doubt still be a bunch of shit.
HOWEVER. The show must go on, and so must I, even if I'm a used up format, writing in a used-up format, about a show that's a used-up format. But I still have more historical Big Brother (UK and international) knowledge in my addled brain than I know what to do with. It's not useful, but I have it in there.
Normally at this point I'd have a large drink on the go. Instead, I have a sachet of Beechams. The glamour never starts. I have avoided MOST spoilers so far. So let's see who they've managed to line up and set free in the wilds of Borehamwood for the 32834784378 year in a row. 
I like the retro/ comic book theme, but I don't really like the eye that much. Oh well, who cares about the eye. Not I.
Emma looks great! I love her hair shorter. The darker colour is cool as well. Not sure about the panto jacket and work trousers, but we can't have it all. One thing is a start.
Woah, the house is very bright. It looks like a children's TV programme. I like the coloured loo roll. Diary room looks fucking cool, too. It's all very Nickelodeon.
First in is Speidi. Legends. You can't deny it. I like Spencer moaning about the vote against Rylan, ha. One percent in it. Spencer actually looks better than the last time I saw him, at least he's had a haircut. Still wearing the teacher fleeces in his VT, though. Spencer's illuminati leather jacket is going straight on the chic pile. Mentioning gameplans already: check. Not here to make friends: check. Looking for the booze immediately: check. Oh, I've missed them, the nutty pair.
James Jordan. Ick. Otherwise known as Gary Busey's chief bum-wiper. And if there's no Gary Busey in the house, then we have a problem. I could see him chumming up with Spencer. He's not a 'love to hate' housemate, he's just a 'I fucking hate his guts' housemate. Ugh, Speidi don't befriend the enemy.
Jasmine Waltz. Lee Ryan's female catnip. I enjoyed the love triangle. She looks like an anorexic Carla off Corrie. She looks like she's aged about 45 years since she was last on. Hope they bring the fanny rat back, too. Her boobs look stuck on. Jasmine knows what the illuminati is. Yes. I personally think this is a good start. Four cunts in straight away. Start as they mean to go on.
Ooh so they've put these four in a secret room to 'influence storylines': ahem. It's not like Big Brother to do that, is it (much). I like their office. 'Big Brother producers; - well, Ted's been editing shit out for years now.
Heidi's fake teeth look humungous, like Brandon Flowers levels of veneers there.
When they said 'Kim Kardashian' I thought Jonathan Cheban was going back in. No such luck, it's Ray J, someone who fucked KK on tape once. I like his union jack shirt. Well, not really. He seems like a total dick. Join the club, I guess.
Bianca Gascoigne is in next. She's more your TOWIE level of housemates. Her hair looks like the nylon hair your doll has when you are a kid. She 'inspires to be a mermaid'. Well we know her dad loves the drink. (Sorry)
Bianca is toadying to Ray J pretending she knows his music. What music?! The 'producers' are being nice about everyone. Er, that's not what we want when we interfere with the housemates.
I actually like the mixture of old and new housemates. It should always be this way. Cut out the deadwood (ie. Ex on the Beach chaff, please.) I like the line up so far. Some true gamers in the fold. No Gemma Collins, PLEASE.
Austin Armacost is next. I love Austin. OMG he's broken up with his husband! Aw, poor Austin. I know how you feel, mate! And I just finished your 2016 calendar. It's all gone wrong! OMG he hates Heidi and Spencer. Hahahaha. Brilliant. Austin is getting the wub wubs, which he richly deserves.I hope Austin doesn't blow the goodwill he built up last time. But if he does, it doesn't matter. He's still a great housemate. 'You're a CUNT!' etc. And lest we forget the mantub.
Haha Austin being all pleasant to Speidi after he just slagged them off.
Coleen Nolan. WHY. Why do we have to have a Loose Woman? WHY! It's bullshit. Fuck off. I hate her anyway. Hate, hate, hate her. It's the first bit of lazy casting. I expect the rest to be downhill from here. She's so annoying.
Why are they sending so many downstairs?! There's going to be no one left upstairs!
Next is James Cosmo, an actor from Game of Thrones. I have no clue who he is, and nor does my mum, who texted describing him as 'an old fart'. I can't tell if he's being sarcastic about liking Eminem. He's got first boot written all over him, like he's just ended up in the wrong place, like Evander or Ron Atkinson. Maybe he signed the wrong contract somewhere along the way. Good to have an old fogey in there, though, unless they're like Reg Holdsworth or Biggins.
God, there's a lot of alpha in that producers room.
Next is Stacy Francis, 'who you probably know from being a finalist on the X Factor USA'. I don't. Also drove Whitney Houston to her death, appaz. I thought it was going to be Tiffany from the sillhouette and I'm annoyed it wasn't. WHO IS SHE?
Brandon Block is next which makes me feel old as my serious ecstasy-taking days are twenty years ago now and we used to go see him and Judge Jules at Homeland and Passion and I still feel that age and I'm not, so it's depressing really. Thanks, Brandon. He's looking a bit Jim Royle. Jim Royle with a Dappy hat.
Spencer: 'He looks like he has more juice than the other elderly guy.' Haha.
Ugh, Nicola McClean is basically the female James Jordan. She talks just like Katie Price. And like her, she acts hard but she lets her husband fuck around on her. And didn't Farrah smack her one with a wine glass? Shred shred shred the bitch. I hate her. Awful person. Her and Coleen have got to go. And now she's slagging off Brian Dowling! Fuck you. Don't diss the two time winning alumni. Such disrespect! PS: Your dress doesn't fit.
Next housemate is Jamie O Hara, a footballer. Was previously married to Danielle Lloyd. Poor cunt. 'What could go wrong?' Just watch the tapes back of when your wife was in the house to find out. He looks like a little hobbit.
Calum Best is no all star. 'I'm a red blooded male.' Deffo gay. Doesn't he have history with Bianca Gascoigne? Oh he's not going to sit on the fence this time. Bullshit. He came third? How! Pointless third place, fencesitting, dead wood airtime deficit. Why waste my time! And he's wearing hotel wallpaper for a suit. Velveteen!
And they're also putting Calum Best's mum Angie in. WHY? Where's Jedward? This bitch couldn't even write him a letter from home, had to get Rudyard Kipling to do it. Who really cares how Calum Best gets on with his mum? They're obsessed with family connections on Big Brother, and they're rarely interesting.
Calum Best's reaction when she came in was hilarity though. His voice went really high. Poor sod. Haha. 'Oh my God, that's my mother!' James Jordan rubbed it in as well. Ha, they should have edited her out. Bet Calum wants to.
The other housemates are watching the 'producers' choose who to 'edit out'. It's supposed to be the 'least interesting person'. They're just choosing who they like the least. Heidi wanted to edit out the footballer! Good choice. They are choosing the black woman! Well, there's a surprise. These reality TV tropes write themselves. Racists. Poor Stacy had to go sit in the garden where it was cold (yeah it's England in January) in an unflattering hoodie. Welcome to every smoker in the UK's family Christmas.
So that was it. Oh the whole, I think the line up is good. I'm just relieved there's no Charlotte Crosby or her uninteresting, vulgar ilk. But really, what the people moaning on Twitter don't get, or even what my mum doesn't get, texting that they're 'all twats', is that it doesn't matter if you know the people, or hate the people. It only matters how they interact with each other. And that's what makes a good Big Brother series.
Anyway, all is not lost, as apparently Jedward are going in Friday! Bring on the trolley dash!
PS: I hope to do a podcast at some point if I get my voice back!