Celebrity Big Brother 2017: You water know (yourself)

Other Jedward obscured by dry ice

Hiya! It better be Jedward going in. I wanna see Speidi and Jedward together. Who could out mindgame Spencer? John and Edward, that's who.
Oh, Emma's ruined her hair already. That didn't take long. You never see anyone in real life with slicked back hair, do you? Not unless it's slicked back with grease. Emma also has a work suit on. Why is she always wearing office wear? Does she secretly yearn for a job as a PA where she doesn't have to interview difficult Big Brother contestants like Marc O Neil?
OMG the way James Jordan speaks to people! He's so patronising! Gary Busey flashbacks. Stacy, please stop singing.
Coleen doesn't want to be told what vitamins and nutrients are in an apple. She'd rather just sit and bitch 24/7.
Ray J was conveniently off to get his shoes when Whitney died. He doesn't want to sell a story, he just wants to milk the story endlessly on CBB. Do you think it's in his contract that he has to discuss it? Stacy is probably in there just so he has to. Storylining!
Coleen blunders in assuming Whitney killed herself. Didn't she just pass out and drown cos she was high as fuck? Jamie: 'Typical loose woman.' Says the typical footballer.
Spencer's ju-jitsu is the lols.
God, Brandon Block needs a makeover. Can't someone run a comb through his hair? Him, perhaps?
Coleen is 51! I thought she was 60 odd. I guess being that miserable will do that to you.
Ray J is actressing and squeezing a tear out in the DR.Enough Whitney talk now. Let the woman rest in peace.
Angie is worried about the smokers in the house. Mind your own business. Coleen's back is WELL UP. Angie is stepping well over the line here. It's her life, let her smoke if she wants. Angie: 'All your family have died around you.' Bit much! Also, why sit in the smoking area? Passive smoking! Does Calum drink or smoke? Worry about your own spawn!
The housemates are roleplaying. Snooze. Hold on, Angie just molested Bianca. This am dram between the footballer, Jasmine and Calum is pure cringe.
Oh, they are editing out two more housemates. Yawn. Bianca is shy? She doesn't look it. Or Be-yonk-a as the Americans say.
Love James C namedropping Mel Gibson. Ooh, sausage rolls. Why is Spencer stealing a load of bottles of water? Is he a prepper?
Austin is in a 'really strange place right now.' On airtime patrol, by the looks of it. I think Spencer meant 'they could have picked a lot of other people than you' in a nice way, weirdly.
Bianca: 'No more H20.'
Austin went at Heidi very aggressively there. 'Security!' Austin has a really bad temper. Spencer: 'You want to go and see your boyfriend.' James J: 'He's not worth it, pal.' Lol.
Austin is ruining the magic of the DR. Are there no taps in the Big Brother house? We know there are from the Lee Ryan days. It's just fucking water. You're not in the desert. Calm down. It's like the kosher wine all over again. I've missed Austin's rants, though. But I'm a bit worried that he's a bit too easy to wind up for Spencer. Plus, isn't Austin worried about putting off his new boyfriend?! I guess he's probably seen it all already.
Spencer: 'I can't believe they let him stay.' Settle down, Spencer, he only shouted. If shouting was banned in the Big Brother house, there'd be no show. I like Bianca trying to calm down Austin.
Spencer calling: 'Bonka from the strip club the shadiest trick in the game.' Nice.
Austin: 'Can we be done saying they're alright people now.' Haha. Seems like everyone is team Austin, not team Speidi. Speidi will survive anyway. Speidi could survive the apocolypse.
So Jamie and Angie have been given 'great power'. They are so bland, it's impossible to say what they'll do with it. Might as well have given the power to the bottled water.
OK, we're back. I like Ray J sitting with a fag in his mouth, haha. Oh god, don't make them do speeches to save themselves.
Brandon pulling out the big guns with his speech; 'We're going to open a business together.' Strong!
Bianca actually seems like a nice person. Angie is so dumb, she tried to save Bianca as well. She obviously forgot Stacy's name as well.
Jamie saved Ray J. Good. Angie saved Brandon, which puts James GOT on the block. Aw. I think he would struggle in a vote to evict or a vote to save, to be honest, but I'd like him to stick around. Mind you, Jedward will probably drive him dollally.
Yay! 'I'm John, I'm Edward.' I'll never get tired of hearing those words. I still won't be able to tell them apart. Apparently one is more simple than the other. 'If someone eats your food, nominate. If someone looks at you funny, nominate.' Good strategy.
Did we miss one of Jedward falling over? That's a shame. You fell over!
Jedward: 'Can we hear the girls scream?' Aw, they're pretending they like girls.
They watched the opening night! Couldn't they put them in a hotel for two days? Does the budget not stretch to a twin room in the Travelodge?
Emma has no control over Jedward whatsoever. She's dreaming of that secretarial role again.
The housemates know it's Jedward already. Zero tension! I wanna see Jedward annoy the fuck out of James Jordan. Who will be their new Tara Reid? Hopefully Bianca and not Nicola.
Ray J hopes to see Jay Z. Instead he can barely see Jedward through all the dry ice. It's like Charlotte Crosby's win all over again.
I LOVE Speidi dancing to Jedward. Jedward are always falling over! They're like Lauren Harries on overtime. Good tune though, lol. Shame they can't sing. Their spaceman outfits look like the other housemates made them for a task.
I don't object to them performing their song in the garden. Beats Sheryl Crow.
OMG it just occured to me. What if Jedward TEAM UP with Speidi to create the ultimate housemate annoyer? Stronger than Bear! Time and space will implode. I want to see it!
Already they start flattering Spencer 'you don't age' - no, you don't age, Jedward. And more importantly, you do not get old. Go create TV magic!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: All shook up

Hi! Have we got going yet? I haven't, but I'm still grateful for the lack of TOWIEs and Geordie Shores. If Calum Best and Coleen Nolan are the biggest duds, at least they're wallpaper and won't be pissing and shitting all over my favourite programme. At least, I hope not.
Ray J is being a 'sleeping on the couch' martyr. Prob doesn't want to share a bed with 'a gay boy.'
Angie pretending she's not a true gamer. Spencer knows!
Ray J has designs on being a diary room warrior. He can't share a bed because he's married. Especially not with Nicola McClean. Don't blame him.
Brandon Block looks like he's wearing comedy teeth and glasses. Angie thinks she's Queen Bee already. She knows she's untouchable with double the vote. She's a lot more interesting than Calum, though. Mind you, so's the back of a shampoo bottle.
Not sure about Bianca's S&M dinosaur look. On launch night, I can overlook it, but it's not daytime wear. Busting out the 'escape goat' as well. That shit is older than I am.
Coleen wants to be a house that gets along by quietly bitching about people behind their backs. 
Spencer is fingering Angie for her gameplanning. 'Calum was bred for this.' Hopefully he'll suffer the same fate as Paulie from BB18 who was also 'bred for this.' Heidi: 'It's good to get along with people.' Don't lie!
Calum: 'It's brilliant we're doing it together' to his mum. Is he trying to convince himself or her? He's had to recalibrate his gameplan from being fanny rat to gentleman.
I like Ray J's shredded white jacket. Has Nicola McClean had her mitts on it? He looks like the Michelin Man.
Ray J is spilling the boring beans about Kim Kardashian. You've never crossed paths with Kim since cos she probably has good security. Oh, hang on.
The all stars have to decide which of the new stars are least entertaining. Zzzzzz.
Calum's mean little side parting is driving me mad. It's like someone has Pritt-Sticked some coconut fur on an onion. Did he pay money for that hair? Robbed.
Brandon Block does not look impressed with Angie's Elvis kiss and tell. Nor does Ray J. Hold on, she didn't even kiss him! 'Do you even kiss, mate?' (Deepcut Big Brother Bile Spencer vs Toadfish reference there).
Angie: 'No one knows the real Spencer. You wouldn't know if you were having a sincere conversation with him.' Good point.
Bianca has just kissed Calum! I thought they'd gone out after Love Island back in the day.
James Jordan seems annoyed by Ray J being a bit sleepy. He's probably tired cos he had to sleep on the couch to avoid catching 'the gay'.
Ray J spent 30K on a birthday party for his dog. James Jordan is trying to needle him. Twat.
Heidi's hair is looking somewhat orange already. Get the girl a toner. Ha, Spencer wants to edit out Angie. Sweet. Calum refused to do it and chose Brandon! Fuck that. Brandon is annoyed about it; don't blame him! Where's the democracy?
Even thicko Calum has worked out he has the numbers over Speidi. But Spiedi will have the backing of the IGP (idiot general public).
Stacy was 'shook' when Ray J walked in. SHAKEN.
Spencer regaling Angie with tales of his popular social media: ie. showing her who's boss. Angie is unimpressed at Spencer's ability to eat 40 tacos. Apparently said video has only 2,000 views on youtube. I have blogs with higher numbers. Admittedly, only one a decade.
Nicola McClean playing the 'as a mother' card hard. Yawn. Go home if you can't hack it.
Stacy telling Coleen about the Whitney Houston files. I'm bored of this storyline already. Run Stacy a bath.
I'm team Jasmine all the way against the boot-faced Nicola. Boo hooing in the DR. Don't milk it.
Jamie is after Jasmine, but Spencer is standing in his way. Was it Jasmine or Casey who had 'taps on' time with Lee 'fanny rat' Ryan? I feel like it was Casey, but he fiddled with Jasmine in a UFO (fact check that).
Breast implant chat, classic bantz. Zzz.
Jasmine's 'type' isn't a 'newly divorced guy with three kids.' Me either.
I like Spencer's Coleen impression, ha. They are all scrambling because of him! They can't hack it.
I like Jasmine the best out of the girls so far, she wants to play Spencer at his own game, and if she beefs with Nicola, even better. If she does get off with the midget footballer, I will lose respect for her, though.
Jedward tomorrow? Come on, you know it makes sense, or whatever Lidl's catchprase is.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Pop art-ifice

Desp-air time

Oh hello again. I still can't speak! Luckily, I have fingers.
So someone started moaning at me for 'body shaming' on Twitter yesterday for my rather good 'anorexic Carla Connor' observation. Who am I shaming in that situation!? Carla Connor is hot. Anorexic Carla Connor (aka Jasmine) also looks good. Settle down!
I don't mind body shaming, but I prefer IQ shaming, which luckily, I get to do shitloads of watching Celebrity Big Brother. Let's begin!
RECAP time. All these recycled housemates makes me want to recycle some of my old blog/podcast titles.
Ooh what was that moment between Stacy and Ray J? What's their history? Ooh, apparently her fight with Whitney was over him. Interesting!
Nicola McClean bum licking Spencer by saying he was a great housemate, but NOT Heidi! Or that's the way they cut it. She could have been talking to them both. Don't trust the edit!
James J: 'Footballers have got good banter.' Football commentators even more so, just open up the 'sling one up the back of her' files. Footballers do NOT have good banter. See Ched Evans audio/visual work for details.
James Jordan well rail-roaded Stacey to be 'edited out.' I love Heidi trying to get Jamie put up. No such luck.
Stacey didn't stay on that chair in the garden for long, she was inside by the time the live feed was on.
Bianca trying to get the dirt on Ray J and Stacey: subtle. Ray J: 'It was a tragic thing.' Some of the others seem genuinely concerned.
I feel like Spencer was trying to be quite genuine when he comforted Stacy but she got mad straight away. Spencer's all like: 'We had it worse in the basement.You weren't there, man.' Heidi's frosty manner doesn't help.
I can see why Stacy is annoyed, it's a bit much with the Ray J thing (whatever that is) then getting edited out. This negative first impression of her is what the other housemates will zoom in on, though. And being a black woman? She's fucked.
But still, she's not so much edited out as an airtime hog. Spencer saying the others aren't allowed to talk to her! Mean. What does 'edited out' even mean? You don't get edited out. People can still talk to you. It should just be called being 'beige hoodied.'
I am so sad that Austin has split from his husband! Aw.  If Spencer and Heidi ever split, it's game over for love.
Stacy is crying in a chair and Spencer is just talking at her. OK, he is just trying to wind her up now.
I'm looking forward to Austin vs Spencer and Heidi, even though I like both sides. Austin, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows on your series! I remember you calling Janice Dickinson a cunt and yelling at everyone. It was brilliant.
Spencer: 'I retired that personality' about stirring shit up, haha. Stacy is playing right into Spencer's hands. She's making it too easy for him. 'Sitting in a chair' gate. Heidi and Stacy are both being annoying. Just stop talking if you can't agree.
Coleen bragging about her boring singing career/ dead relatives. No one cares. But if you do, watch C5 at 10pm for more wailing.
Jamie is talking about his ex wife known racist and cunt Danielle Lloyd. Danielle didn't want him to talk about her. We already know who you are, Danielle, don't worry. Nothing he could say could possibly make you look worse, considering you're most famous for causing an international race row. Nicola: 'Marriage is marriage.' Yes, and it's even better if your footballer scummy husband doesn't cheat. Easier to keep the marriage together then, right?
Now the other housemates have to edit out another person. Ooh, I like the pop art bedding/ cushions. They all decided to edit out James C of GOT fame. Spencer is right, James C is not making a good reality star. I wonder how much he got paid? I like the fact he's pretending to sleep so he doesn't have to speak to Stacy. Maybe he does know how to play the game after all!
Calum Best's ears are freaking me out. He looks like a gargoyle. I just think 'spud head' every time I see him. Can't believe he used to be hot 20 years ago.
James Jordan trying to one up Coleen, but she came second on her series. He came third, I think.
I love all the cushions and everything, it's so cute, it looks like my bedroom! The DR is amazing as well.
The fight for beds begin. Edited outs should have to sleep on the floor. In the garden. Like Busey on the Celebrity Scrapheap.
Angie: 'Spygles, Speegles' about Speidi. I love this. She's onto them! Angie's got a built in alliance with Calum, plus Spencer and Heidi are one housemate, so Angie has the advantage. It's a numbers game! Plus, she writes a mean letter from home. Actually, scratch that, she doesn't.
Austin's horror at the thought Bianca thinks Spencer is nice. Ha. She did seem shitfaced, though.
Calum's diary rooms make a good insomnia cure. He is going to stick around for WAY too long. Hope his mum beats him.
Was Coleen being a cunt there at the end? Probably. I can't work out if I'm enjoying it yet, possibly because my ears are ringing and I can't see straight. Give me a couple of days to work it out!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: All star family (mis) fortunes

This should be peak CBB excitement for me, if I wasn't sick, therefore can't podcast, and have not seen another person for about a week. Putting all that aside, plus any other existential crap about 'is Big Brother past it's sell by date' 'why do I still watch?' 'Is that still on?' 'What about the live feed?' etc and just looking at tonight's show in a vacuum, it will no doubt still be a bunch of shit.
HOWEVER. The show must go on, and so must I, even if I'm a used up format, writing in a used-up format, about a show that's a used-up format. But I still have more historical Big Brother (UK and international) knowledge in my addled brain than I know what to do with. It's not useful, but I have it in there.
Normally at this point I'd have a large drink on the go. Instead, I have a sachet of Beechams. The glamour never starts. I have avoided MOST spoilers so far. So let's see who they've managed to line up and set free in the wilds of Borehamwood for the 32834784378 year in a row. 
I like the retro/ comic book theme, but I don't really like the eye that much. Oh well, who cares about the eye. Not I.
Emma looks great! I love her hair shorter. The darker colour is cool as well. Not sure about the panto jacket and work trousers, but we can't have it all. One thing is a start.
Woah, the house is very bright. It looks like a children's TV programme. I like the coloured loo roll. Diary room looks fucking cool, too. It's all very Nickelodeon.
First in is Speidi. Legends. You can't deny it. I like Spencer moaning about the vote against Rylan, ha. One percent in it. Spencer actually looks better than the last time I saw him, at least he's had a haircut. Still wearing the teacher fleeces in his VT, though. Spencer's illuminati leather jacket is going straight on the chic pile. Mentioning gameplans already: check. Not here to make friends: check. Looking for the booze immediately: check. Oh, I've missed them, the nutty pair.
James Jordan. Ick. Otherwise known as Gary Busey's chief bum-wiper. And if there's no Gary Busey in the house, then we have a problem. I could see him chumming up with Spencer. He's not a 'love to hate' housemate, he's just a 'I fucking hate his guts' housemate. Ugh, Speidi don't befriend the enemy.
Jasmine Waltz. Lee Ryan's female catnip. I enjoyed the love triangle. She looks like an anorexic Carla off Corrie. She looks like she's aged about 45 years since she was last on. Hope they bring the fanny rat back, too. Her boobs look stuck on. Jasmine knows what the illuminati is. Yes. I personally think this is a good start. Four cunts in straight away. Start as they mean to go on.
Ooh so they've put these four in a secret room to 'influence storylines': ahem. It's not like Big Brother to do that, is it (much). I like their office. 'Big Brother producers; - well, Ted's been editing shit out for years now.
Heidi's fake teeth look humungous, like Brandon Flowers levels of veneers there.
When they said 'Kim Kardashian' I thought Jonathan Cheban was going back in. No such luck, it's Ray J, someone who fucked KK on tape once. I like his union jack shirt. Well, not really. He seems like a total dick. Join the club, I guess.
Bianca Gascoigne is in next. She's more your TOWIE level of housemates. Her hair looks like the nylon hair your doll has when you are a kid. She 'inspires to be a mermaid'. Well we know her dad loves the drink. (Sorry)
Bianca is toadying to Ray J pretending she knows his music. What music?! The 'producers' are being nice about everyone. Er, that's not what we want when we interfere with the housemates.
I actually like the mixture of old and new housemates. It should always be this way. Cut out the deadwood (ie. Ex on the Beach chaff, please.) I like the line up so far. Some true gamers in the fold. No Gemma Collins, PLEASE.
Austin Armacost is next. I love Austin. OMG he's broken up with his husband! Aw, poor Austin. I know how you feel, mate! And I just finished your 2016 calendar. It's all gone wrong! OMG he hates Heidi and Spencer. Hahahaha. Brilliant. Austin is getting the wub wubs, which he richly deserves.I hope Austin doesn't blow the goodwill he built up last time. But if he does, it doesn't matter. He's still a great housemate. 'You're a CUNT!' etc. And lest we forget the mantub.
Haha Austin being all pleasant to Speidi after he just slagged them off.
Coleen Nolan. WHY. Why do we have to have a Loose Woman? WHY! It's bullshit. Fuck off. I hate her anyway. Hate, hate, hate her. It's the first bit of lazy casting. I expect the rest to be downhill from here. She's so annoying.
Why are they sending so many downstairs?! There's going to be no one left upstairs!
Next is James Cosmo, an actor from Game of Thrones. I have no clue who he is, and nor does my mum, who texted describing him as 'an old fart'. I can't tell if he's being sarcastic about liking Eminem. He's got first boot written all over him, like he's just ended up in the wrong place, like Evander or Ron Atkinson. Maybe he signed the wrong contract somewhere along the way. Good to have an old fogey in there, though, unless they're like Reg Holdsworth or Biggins.
God, there's a lot of alpha in that producers room.
Next is Stacy Francis, 'who you probably know from being a finalist on the X Factor USA'. I don't. Also drove Whitney Houston to her death, appaz. I thought it was going to be Tiffany from the sillhouette and I'm annoyed it wasn't. WHO IS SHE?
Brandon Block is next which makes me feel old as my serious ecstasy-taking days are twenty years ago now and we used to go see him and Judge Jules at Homeland and Passion and I still feel that age and I'm not, so it's depressing really. Thanks, Brandon. He's looking a bit Jim Royle. Jim Royle with a Dappy hat.
Spencer: 'He looks like he has more juice than the other elderly guy.' Haha.
Ugh, Nicola McClean is basically the female James Jordan. She talks just like Katie Price. And like her, she acts hard but she lets her husband fuck around on her. And didn't Farrah smack her one with a wine glass? Shred shred shred the bitch. I hate her. Awful person. Her and Coleen have got to go. And now she's slagging off Brian Dowling! Fuck you. Don't diss the two time winning alumni. Such disrespect! PS: Your dress doesn't fit.
Next housemate is Jamie O Hara, a footballer. Was previously married to Danielle Lloyd. Poor cunt. 'What could go wrong?' Just watch the tapes back of when your wife was in the house to find out. He looks like a little hobbit.
Calum Best is no all star. 'I'm a red blooded male.' Deffo gay. Doesn't he have history with Bianca Gascoigne? Oh he's not going to sit on the fence this time. Bullshit. He came third? How! Pointless third place, fencesitting, dead wood airtime deficit. Why waste my time! And he's wearing hotel wallpaper for a suit. Velveteen!
And they're also putting Calum Best's mum Angie in. WHY? Where's Jedward? This bitch couldn't even write him a letter from home, had to get Rudyard Kipling to do it. Who really cares how Calum Best gets on with his mum? They're obsessed with family connections on Big Brother, and they're rarely interesting.
Calum Best's reaction when she came in was hilarity though. His voice went really high. Poor sod. Haha. 'Oh my God, that's my mother!' James Jordan rubbed it in as well. Ha, they should have edited her out. Bet Calum wants to.
The other housemates are watching the 'producers' choose who to 'edit out'. It's supposed to be the 'least interesting person'. They're just choosing who they like the least. Heidi wanted to edit out the footballer! Good choice. They are choosing the black woman! Well, there's a surprise. These reality TV tropes write themselves. Racists. Poor Stacy had to go sit in the garden where it was cold (yeah it's England in January) in an unflattering hoodie. Welcome to every smoker in the UK's family Christmas.
So that was it. Oh the whole, I think the line up is good. I'm just relieved there's no Charlotte Crosby or her uninteresting, vulgar ilk. But really, what the people moaning on Twitter don't get, or even what my mum doesn't get, texting that they're 'all twats', is that it doesn't matter if you know the people, or hate the people. It only matters how they interact with each other. And that's what makes a good Big Brother series.
Anyway, all is not lost, as apparently Jedward are going in Friday! Bring on the trolley dash!
PS: I hope to do a podcast at some point if I get my voice back!