Friday, 6 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: You water know (yourself)

Other Jedward obscured by dry ice
Hiya! It better be Jedward going in. I wanna see Speidi and Jedward together. Who could out mindgame Spencer? John and Edward, that's who.
Oh, Emma's ruined her hair already. That didn't take long. You never see anyone in real life with slicked back hair, do you? Not unless it's slicked back with grease. Emma also has a work suit on. Why is she always wearing office wear? Does she secretly yearn for a job as a PA where she doesn't have to interview difficult Big Brother contestants like Marc O Neil?
OMG the way James Jordan speaks to people! He's so patronising! Gary Busey flashbacks. Stacy, please stop singing.
Coleen doesn't want to be told what vitamins and nutrients are in an apple. She'd rather just sit and bitch 24/7.
Ray J was conveniently off to get his shoes when Whitney died. He doesn't want to sell a story, he just wants to milk the story endlessly on CBB. Do you think it's in his contract that he has to discuss it? Stacy is probably in there just so he has to. Storylining!
Coleen blunders in assuming Whitney killed herself. Didn't she just pass out and drown cos she was high as fuck? Jamie: 'Typical loose woman.' Says the typical footballer.
Spencer's ju-jitsu is the lols.
God, Brandon Block needs a makeover. Can't someone run a comb through his hair? Him, perhaps?
Coleen is 51! I thought she was 60 odd. I guess being that miserable will do that to you.
Ray J is actressing and squeezing a tear out in the DR.Enough Whitney talk now. Let the woman rest in peace.
Angie is worried about the smokers in the house. Mind your own business. Coleen's back is WELL UP. Angie is stepping well over the line here. It's her life, let her smoke if she wants. Angie: 'All your family have died around you.' Bit much! Also, why sit in the smoking area? Passive smoking! Does Calum drink or smoke? Worry about your own spawn!
The housemates are roleplaying. Snooze. Hold on, Angie just molested Bianca. This am dram between the footballer, Jasmine and Calum is pure cringe.
Oh, they are editing out two more housemates. Yawn. Bianca is shy? She doesn't look it. Or Be-yonk-a as the Americans say.
Love James C namedropping Mel Gibson. Ooh, sausage rolls. Why is Spencer stealing a load of bottles of water? Is he a prepper?
Austin is in a 'really strange place right now.' On airtime patrol, by the looks of it. I think Spencer meant 'they could have picked a lot of other people than you' in a nice way, weirdly.
Bianca: 'No more H20.'
Austin went at Heidi very aggressively there. 'Security!' Austin has a really bad temper. Spencer: 'You want to go and see your boyfriend.' James J: 'He's not worth it, pal.' Lol.
Austin is ruining the magic of the DR. Are there no taps in the Big Brother house? We know there are from the Lee Ryan days. It's just fucking water. You're not in the desert. Calm down. It's like the kosher wine all over again. I've missed Austin's rants, though. But I'm a bit worried that he's a bit too easy to wind up for Spencer. Plus, isn't Austin worried about putting off his new boyfriend?! I guess he's probably seen it all already.
Spencer: 'I can't believe they let him stay.' Settle down, Spencer, he only shouted. If shouting was banned in the Big Brother house, there'd be no show. I like Bianca trying to calm down Austin.
Spencer calling: 'Bonka from the strip club the shadiest trick in the game.' Nice.
Austin: 'Can we be done saying they're alright people now.' Haha. Seems like everyone is team Austin, not team Speidi. Speidi will survive anyway. Speidi could survive the apocolypse.
So Jamie and Angie have been given 'great power'. They are so bland, it's impossible to say what they'll do with it. Might as well have given the power to the bottled water.
OK, we're back. I like Ray J sitting with a fag in his mouth, haha. Oh god, don't make them do speeches to save themselves.
Brandon pulling out the big guns with his speech; 'We're going to open a business together.' Strong!
Bianca actually seems like a nice person. Angie is so dumb, she tried to save Bianca as well. She obviously forgot Stacy's name as well.
Jamie saved Ray J. Good. Angie saved Brandon, which puts James GOT on the block. Aw. I think he would struggle in a vote to evict or a vote to save, to be honest, but I'd like him to stick around. Mind you, Jedward will probably drive him dollally.
Yay! 'I'm John, I'm Edward.' I'll never get tired of hearing those words. I still won't be able to tell them apart. Apparently one is more simple than the other. 'If someone eats your food, nominate. If someone looks at you funny, nominate.' Good strategy.
Did we miss one of Jedward falling over? That's a shame. You fell over!
Jedward: 'Can we hear the girls scream?' Aw, they're pretending they like girls.
They watched the opening night! Couldn't they put them in a hotel for two days? Does the budget not stretch to a twin room in the Travelodge?
Emma has no control over Jedward whatsoever. She's dreaming of that secretarial role again.
The housemates know it's Jedward already. Zero tension! I wanna see Jedward annoy the fuck out of James Jordan. Who will be their new Tara Reid? Hopefully Bianca and not Nicola.
Ray J hopes to see Jay Z. Instead he can barely see Jedward through all the dry ice. It's like Charlotte Crosby's win all over again.
I LOVE Speidi dancing to Jedward. Jedward are always falling over! They're like Lauren Harries on overtime. Good tune though, lol. Shame they can't sing. Their spaceman outfits look like the other housemates made them for a task.
I don't object to them performing their song in the garden. Beats Sheryl Crow.
OMG it just occured to me. What if Jedward TEAM UP with Speidi to create the ultimate housemate annoyer? Stronger than Bear! Time and space will implode. I want to see it!
Already they start flattering Spencer 'you don't age' - no, you don't age, Jedward. And more importantly, you do not get old. Go create TV magic!

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I miss your podcasts.