Thursday, 19 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I'm being banged by Jedward

Borehamwood swingers party livens up
Did Kim spend the night in the David Gest suite? There's a conspiracy against her, my love.
I love how Kim just comes back into the house with a smile on her face. Calum doesn't like her 'vibe or demeanour.' Jamie looks hungover. My mum said he's 'lovely' and 'handsome'. I had to double check who she was talking about as I thought it couldn't be him.
OK so the task is superheroes and sidekicks but James is refusing to wear lycra. You're an actor, surely you wear whatever you're paid to wear. Also, I'm now imagining what he looks like in the outfit. He can't stop me. I'm picturing him in hot pink lycra.
Jedward are the 'Defensive Duo' and Nicola is their sidekick Mean McLean, haha. I can't be arsed to write down all the other names cos most of them aren't funny. Ha, Calum has to be Kim's sidekick. Unluckly. Bonka from the strip club is Speidi's sidekick.
Kim likes her tea like I do, weak and milky, hehe. I like seeing Calum having to bow and scrape to Kim. I just wish it was Jamie. Jedward are going to spank Nicola until she can't feel her butt? Sounds a bit sexual for them. Nicola is making them a manky cup of tea (ie. how I'd like it). This is not that exciting.
Out of context CBB highlights: Coleen saying, 'I'm being banged by Jedward!'
James C is trying to psychoanalyse Kim. Good luck, mate. I don't think she'll dare take him on. He looks weary. He's war torn in there.
Ooh, Jedward's dark lipstick is kind of sexy in a weird way. They are happy with their superhero outfits cos they enhance their figure. Something about Enya and shamrocks.
Kim is stroking Calum. I love Jedward annoying Nicola. This task is boring, though.
Calum is showing off his package in the diary room. We've already seen it all on Skype, mate. He's got a long skinny one. Eek! So gross.
Kim and Nicola are... making up? Ok, not making up. Nicola is worried Kim isn't getting 'resolvement.' Resolvement sounds like a hangover cure. James C is right, Kim is like a dog with a bone.
The truest thing Nicola ever said was 'how can everyone be wrong and you be right?' Kim: 'They crucified Jesus.' Comparing yourself to Jesus is fun, though.
For the next task, Big Brother is doing CGI. CGI! They could have spent that money on decent housemates. Still got some fish guts left over from yesteryear, though. James C appears to be wearing lycra now he's on the green screen. Turncoat! That part of the task was quite amusing, I guess.
Why have a cold shower?! Just don't have a shower for a day. Who cares? Oh, they were covered in bird shit? Weeeelll.
Kim wouldn't like to sleep with a guy who has a pierced penis or gold teeth. I think you're probably OK, my love. Stick to the mucky movies!
Chloe is gossiping with Jessica about kissing Calum on the lips. Her lips are disgusting, she looks deformed.
The housemates now have to drink a 'truth serum'. Apparently the truth serum is Apple Sours. I have a friend who's mad for Apple Sours. I could find out all his secrets!Nicola has had naughty thoughts in the Big Brother house, and so has James C. Lovely.
James C said he found Kim the most irritating! More irritating than Chloe! Ouch.
Jamie has 'very strong feelings' for Bianca. It's a classic case of Big Brother brain. What a numpty. Run, Bianca, run! He's coming on way too strong.
Jessica is crying about Chloe and Calum again. I love Stacy calling her a clown. Stacy is coming into her own lately. Jessica is absolutely pathetic. The sappiest housemate I've ever seen. Waste of airtime.
Jedward listing Britney songs looked very rehearsed. I don't like that.
Chloe is trying to molest Calum. He looks disgusted by her, yet he lets her sit on his lap. Why? He just loves the attention!
Jessica wants to hang out with Kim outside the house. Yet more evidence of her being deluded. Kim is going to treat her. That was a weird nice side to Kim for a second there. Kim is an enigma. Maybe it's just alcohol that turns her psycho?
Chloe has gone to put a bikini on and is now gyrating on a Jedward. He seemed to like it! They she pushed him over in a chair! Was that John or Edward?! Lol. I think she was trying to make Calum jealous.
Spencer telling Chloe to pursue Calum harder, haha. Nice one.
Jamie in the DR being a sap: 'Bianca's got a fantastic aura.' You don't, you're like a little pug. He's going a bit OTT with her now. Give the girl a break. Stalker alert!
Calum isn't drinking. He's patronising Chloe yet calling her gorgeous. It's a mixed message! The show ends on Jamie and Bianca in bed. WEAK ENDING. Nobody likes a weak ending.
Get someone out! Who's even on the block? What's going on with this show? Who knows? I've decided Kim is good value though, just because impressions and memes of her have been making me laugh all day. Kim to win? Could be worth a squirt!


E said...

Who is worse, Callum or Jamie? Two narcissistic men with big heads who are actually wimps--the worst!

Unknown said...

Callum doesn't seem to be doing much . Some are trying to flirt and he's not playing along with it . Standing he's ground .
Jamie is a bit obsessed with Bianca .