Celebrity Big Brother 2017: You'll never be cleverer than Big Brother

Hobo-chic

Frank discussion about gun control laws? You tease us, Big Brother!
Brandon does not look good in the morning. Or at any other time, honestly.
Austin is calling the water hiding 'a crime.' Bit strong.
It wasn't four bottles they took, it was at least eight. But enough with watergate. Let's move onto tonight's argument. Oh, no, still with the water.
Ray J thinks Heidi is 'spiritual'. 'Why can't people just drink the tap water?' The man speaks sense. Stacy: 'There's poison in tap water.' Ray J: 'No this is British tap water.' First the UKIP shirt, now toadying to our tap water. The man is a gamer!
There's one bed left and we presume Jedward share a bed, so it's fine. Coleen is not happy about the prospect of Jedward coming in. Hopefully they'll cause her to have a 'Frank Carson's dressing room' moment like her (equally) sour-faced sister.
The Americans are teaching James Jordan about guns. Austin: 'Brits will never get it.' I fucking hope not. James: 'Cos we're more intelligent.' I hate being on James Jordan's side in an argument.
Ugh, this 'love triangle' storyline with the two divs and Jasmine is going to get my goat.
Jamie seems like a bit of a spiteful shrew. He's always whining about money. He wants to be 'a little bit appreciated for paying out a fortune for his kids.' They're YOUR FUCKING KIDS. Who else is gonna pay for them? Danielle Lloyd's racist magazine deals aren't going to feed three boys. He wants to have a life for himself. Cry me a river.
Nicola is one upping other 'WAG's. What's her job again? And sticking the knife in Danielle Lloyd! That's my job. Me and Jamie O Hara.
Coleen is right, Heidi is a bit of a Stepford wife. But it's something weirder than that. And more interesting.
Calum is bitching that Katie Price nommed him in the house. Get over it! You were both boring fencesitting dullards. Bring back Perez! Angie trying to have a go at Heidi for no reason. Talk about ready for a row.
I hate this little footballer toad. He's so ugly. Jasmine is way out of his league. She said she missed CBB after she left last time. Missed Lee Ryan's charms, more like. I'd much rather get off with Lee Ryan than Calum or Jamie.
Nicola is jealous that Bianca and Jasmine are BFFs and she's not, ha. What a shame.
Austin and Stacy doing a little slutshaming of Jasmine, who hasn't even kissed anyone (yet).
Angie is trying to hook Jasmine up with Jamie (to keep her away from Calum). Jamie is starting to look a little desperate.
Coleen: 'You'll never be cleverer than Big Brother.' Well, you definitely won't. And Big Brother is thick as shit.
James C: 'Is it alright if I go in and wind up the housemates by pretending to pack?' LOL. What a dude.
Stacy is happy to see James C fake go. I love James going 'you wish!' Haha. What a monkey.
Jedward time! Ray J: 'Are they big?' Nicola: 'No.' Cackles. Ray J: 'Are they just joking?' Weeeeellll.
Austin is eyeing up Jedward. They like girls though; ahem.
I love Edward in the DR without John. He can't cope. Ha, he needs to see the medic already. He's 'ready for his examination.'
Angie and Coleen both hating on Jedward cos they loathe fun.
Jedward and Speidi bonding over the joint names, haha. And it's winding Austin up!
Edward feels like he has a pole in his back. He's also got curly hair. And he's got to go to hospital. Hahaha. 'Jedward in crisis.' In a way it would be fun to see how one Jedward coped in a vacuum.
Austin is having a crack up in the store room. His neck vein is throbbing. 'It's unlike me to be in a closet crying.' You can write your own jokes here. He's such a drama queen! He can't hack it when the attention isn't on him. And I like Austin but I think I'm increasingly in the minority.
I like Jasmine's bushy eyebrows. I think Ray J could go deep. He's playing quite a calculating game, but he seems innocent and he's charismatic so I think he'll go far.
We have to keep James C around! He's just a genuine normal guy. Normal; not boring.
John: 'I like my own company sometimes.' Heidi is acting like she's Spencer's twin. I like her trying to understand John. Speidi and Jedward are both unknowable. John likes to keep his relationships interesting. I bet. He's probably got Edward under the bed to jump out halfway through.
John is slagging off Brandon Block, hahaha. Spencer: 'You need to tell him that.' Haha. Yes!
Jamie's 'bromance' with Calum is pathetic. They'll soon be daggers drawn over Jasmine. Jamie is seething already. I hate the way he sits in that DR chair, so I can see up his nose. Ugh.
Jasmine hates Stacy! Ooh. For giving her an evil look. Jasmine looks more like Carla Connor every day. They need to set her a knicker stitching task. 'Stacy wants to sit next to me cos I'm cuter than her and she'll get more airtime.' Jesus! That's some next level ego there. Meanwhile, the Twitter trolls are already calling her a slag. Sigh. I'm gonna have to block a lot of people, I can feel it.
Edward has returned from hospital looking like a drowned rat. Spencer: 'What did they do to your hair at the hospital?' Ha!
Calum in bed with Jasmine: 'Your boyfriend's coming.' Bit of a mean way to talk about your 'bromance.'
The boys are now having a Jasmine sandwich. Has there been a threesome on Big Brother yet? Like a proper one? Ugh look at all those tattoos on the pair of twats. Grim.
Are Jedward sharing a bed? Adorbs. Show it! That's way more interesting than this fake ass love triangle. All in all though, I think it's shaping up well. And I don't think anyone gets evicted until next Friday? So that's a long time to wait after noms. And be angry. This time last CBB I think about three people had walked by this point!