The X Factor: I've got the poison (I've got the remedy)

Double elimination! Surely Katie's gotta go tonight.
I think The Wanted need to waltz off. At least they're proving their not miming by being so out of tune. They are like One Direction's grand dads. Is there a good looking one? Negative. One of them looks like the dude out of the Social Network, one looks like David Platt, and one looks like an alcoholic ex-boyfriend I had a few years back. What a treat.
I don't know much about Justin Beiber except he looks like he needs a good slap. At least he's miming. It's like Peter Beale has drunk too much red bull and done a song and dance routine at Christmas. I've heard less vocoder on 'do you belieeeeeeeve in life after love?'
Nicole Sch.... she's got the poison (I've got the remedy). Why has ever single pop song from Bieber to Perry to Rhianna got a cheesy pathetic 90s trance beat on it right now? it's even got the washing machine sound effect on it. It sucks. She looks like a 60-year-old dominatrix in that get up.
When did Louis's hair turn black? He looks like he's been using engine oil for hair gel. Did Dermot just say 'you did three of One Direction?' Nicole talks exactly like Michael Jackson. Weird.
I'm grumpy now cos we're cooking a roast and it's burning. DAMN YOU OVEN. Who will go? I think it will be Katie and Mary. Well, ideally.
Why did Cheryl look shocked Rebecca got through? Matt and his incredibly flat face are through. Cher's getting some booage. Why?
Fuck, Wagner's in the bottom three! Boo.
Katie is a goner. Finally! Aw shame she didn't get to do a final sing off really. Wagner is a GONER. The judges have been gunning for him for weeks.
Wagner; unforgettable. Well, for about a month. He looks like he's enjoying himself, anyway.
Mary's got a boob tattoo! She's come out fighting. This is better than anything she's done for a while.
Wagbo's mum and dad; united in grief. Touching stuff.
Louis could have said his name right as he sent him home, ffs. Shouldn't he have abstained?
Wagner is such a gent! He's a really good sport. Sucks that Chezza is the nail in his coffin.
Well that's it then. Like a bat out of hell, he's gone.

The X Factor: Rock off

Rock night. I hope they are doing heavy metal, rather than indie pop and calling it rock. I don't like Dermot's suit for starters.
Ooh, Wagner's first. They deffo got the knives out. Aw, Wagner is a cat lover. I knew he was a decent bloke.
Wagner's doing Creep. Well, apart from the fact I never want to hear it again, it's the perfect choice. He's actually singing it good, too! This is ace. He almost sang it in time, too. It seemed very short, though! That was Wagner's best song ever.
Dannii is calling Wagner a creep. Cheryl's got Jordan's make up on tonight. Simon, the song is not called 'I'm a creep'. Louis, neither are the words, 'I'm a winner'- it's 'weirdo', love. Little Thom Yorke is amused, I'm sure (if he's watching from his eco-house). Either way, I like Wagner more than Simon, Louis, Cheryl and Dannii combined.
One Direction doing Bryan Adams; ugh. It would have been better to give them something a bit indie, a bit more edgy like The Libertines or something (snort). This is 12 different kinds of shit; their target audience don't know this song.
I don't like the way Mary is singing this song, and I don't mind it normally (even though it's U2).
Not sure what Cher's singing but it sounds like a tape slowly getting chewed up in a car stereo. She looks about 12 with what she's wearing too. The rap was the best bit.
OMH look at her blusher! It's like how a mental person would put makeup on. I like her lipstick, though. Shame she's such an arsehole. Even the way she asked for people to vote for her was shirty. Was that an Avril Lavigne song? Rawk.
Rebecca. U2 AGAIN. Fuck off. she's doing a jazz version. She should try screaming, it might suit her. This is drab.
Matt is falling on his arse again, this week I see. These shouty ones do nothing for him, his voice just gets lost. He really should be doing Coldplay. Or Travis.
LOL Katie's doing Kings of Leon. Behold the fire! WOO! Backing vocals agogo. This is making me pine for Aiden, he would have smashed rock week. Her voice is too reedy for rock, this reminds me of Jamie Afro's faux rock (frock). All the 'wooing' and 'come on's. Not I won't come on.
Oh, Simon, please crawl out of her arse, you're losing any modicum of credibility you ever had. Cheryl: 'you got into character'. Being a rock singer isn't some sort of hat you can pput on. Her hair looks horrible as well, I'm missing the blonde bird's nest.
Oh Jesus Christ, they're all performing again! I'm going to get a drink. My boyfriend is having a nap and just woke up and I told him they're doing another song and he went back to bed.
Wagner won the first round! Which is why they put him at the start, so people could conveniently forget that he was actually alright. Boo!
Wagner does seem to be more in tune this week, even on this second song. Weird. LOL it had a Harry Hill ending.
WTF are One Direction singing?! This isn't rock. This is cock, not rock. I'd love for them to be in the bottom two. DRIPPY.
I hate MARY. I just do. FAST FORWARD.
Rebecca: I hate this song.
Katie: Everybody Hurts. Hmm. I'm losing the will to live. Simon was a bit unfair on her really; she sang it well, it's not her fault she only gets a minute to sing it.
Matt: ugh. Simon: 'genius'. Oh, do shut up.
Cher's been playing dress up again. I hate this song too. In fact; I hate my life.
Oh Cheryl, just get off with Cher already. Zzzz.
Right: I'm waking my boyfriend up. I think he had the right idea.

Documentary: Alesha Dixon: Don't Hit My Mum

Yes, please don't hit my mum Alesha, she's done nothing to you! Here, beautifully inane Alesha Dixon discusses domestic violence. This is going to be a bit of a minefield for me, both because of the involvement of Alesha, and the subject matter. It's going to get a little personal. But here goes.
One of the children at the very start of this documentary said 'he threw her down the stairs; and for that reason I'll never forgive him.' I understand that sentiment. The thought of all the children out there having to witness that sort of stuff feels horrific. How can parents do that to their children, do that in front of their children? They just don't give a shit. That's the long and short of it.
Alesha's mum's boyfriend beat her up when Alesha was 8. Mine happened when I was 11.
It is a horrible feeling to feel powerless; but it's worse to see your mother powerless. Especially when she has the choice to walk, but she won't. That's the worst part. I do blame my mum for not leaving sooner, and I don't apologise for that. There's a point where a victim needs to gather themselves up for the sake of the children. Once she left everyone was like 'your mum has abandoned you' and I just thought 'good. why on earth didn't she leave three years ago?' It was the smartest move she ever made. I told her a million times to go before that.
Alesha, bless her, hasn't really got the gravitas to tackle this subject with any sort of feeling. She even makes horrific violence seem mildly boring.
It was interesting what she was saying about 'not having a say' in how you were raised; I think that's an important point; once you're an adult you DO have a say. You can choose to separate yourself from violent family members, or situations that are bad for you. I spent my entire teenage years waiting for the next blow up. I am proud that I live in a safe space now. I am reluctant to get dragged down by it all again. 'Victims' have to do the right thing by themselves- and blood isn't thicker than water, especially when you've seen it splashed over the pavement.
Alesha says she feels sorry for her mum, but it sounds like her mum is over it. It's the same for me, my mum couldn't give a shit about what happened, but that stuff scarred me for life. It's different for children; you're developing, and that rips a hole in you.
One girl talked about how she tried to get in the middle of the violence and he carried on hitting her mum like she wasn't there. I remember so vividly trying to get my dad off my mum, and he just didn't even even register I was there. We also ran to our neighbour on that day.
It was interesting to hear the girl talk about picking up with her dad again after 13 years; I don't speak to my dad, and I've noticed myself feeling increasingly guilty about it. But I've always thought; if a stranger did that to your mum, would you ever forgive them? So what's the difference? I always come back to that thought. I will never have children- but if I did, I could never do that to them. Don't you just want to protect them? I just can't make sense of it.
Alesha says 'you should always question why someone acts a certain way, especially if it's a violent way'. But should you? I don't care what drove him to it; he shouldn't ever have done that, and especially not in front of me. I'm not interested in the reasons behind it. It's just thuggery. If that's too hardline, then whatever. It's just an excuse; you have a free choice on how to behave.
It's interesting when you realise your 'role models' are deeply fucked up. But it's also completely annihilating.
The conversation about how witnessing violence at a young age affects the brain was interesting. I 'only' saw one incident of extreme violence; I dread to think how my brain would have been affected if I'd seen that over and over.
The psychologist said the effect of witnessing violence makes you constantly frightened, and that's definitely how I felt as a teenager, constantly on edge.
Wow, Alesha Dixon is quite stunning. Bless her, she's trying.
Ah- Alesha visited a domestic violence incident with the police between a male couple! I've been discussing this with another friend today, so that's interesting. Apparently 11% of domestic violence victims are men. They don't seem to be the ones getting murdered, though. Eek, they played a really scary 999 call with a guy going crazy. DV is no joke. Look at how many men kill their partners (and whole families, if they're a real special case) per year- it's terrifying, and it's largely ignored. Oh, another one. It's just too commonplace.
I can't stress enough for women to leave, for kids to speak out, for men to THINK just think about what you are doing.
OMG! This guy used to make the mum say who she loved more out of him or her daughter and force her to say him! FUCKED.
My mum used to say over and over 'he would never lay a finger on you' as if that made everything OK. I don't think she had a clue what that situation actually did to me; she still doesn't really get it; although she gets it a lot more than she used to, because I forced her to.
I was interested when Alesha talked to a perpetrator at the end; and I do believe men can change- they do. I used to not think that, but I've grown up a bit. Once a wifebeater, always a wifebeater, I did believe that. But I don't now. But even if you can change, it doesn't make what you did in the past forgiveable. It doesn't change what you did. Wow, Alesha is really nodding, it's like a fucking Churchill advert.
I'm not sure about teaching kids about DV in school. Can you teach someone not to be a sadistic bastard? No, I'm wrong actually, it can't hurt, can it. Maybe it never occurred to someone not to be like that.
Footnote: Do you know how I met my best friend twelve or thirteen years ago? Her mum was in a shelter, running away from her dad, very similar situation to mine, and put a pin in a map, and hit Northampton, where I grew up. Unlucky for them, maybe, but lucky for me. It's funny how things turn out.
OK, back to the telly.

The Apprentice: Let's get down to crispness

I'm having a hell of a day, and I don't see how The Apprentice will help. Hopefully it will just take my mind off the horror happening in my bathroom (don't ask).
CRISPS! OK, now here's a task I can really get behind. What I don't know about crisps doesn't exist. My current favourite flavours are Walkers Turkey and Stuffing, and Walkers Sour Cream and Chive. My forever favourite is Walkers Roast Chicken.
Stella is project managing . Chris is heading the other team.
Curry crisps! No thanks. They're in Germany; how about beer flavour?
I HATE it when foreigners call crisps CHIPS. They are not CHIPS (although chips are good, too).
Sausage flavour, of course. I had sausage flavour Mccoys recently and they were rank. I was hopeful, too. Mccoys aren't cheap either!
Russian Doll is buckpassing already; 'it's your call!' I hate the way they're always setting the others up for a fall in the boardroom; they're meant to be working as a team.
Do you think Stuart Baggs has ever had sex? If so, how?
Why is Joanna talking to the Germans like they're a bit slow?
I have a feeling that 1pm appointment is going to bite them on the arse.
Sorry, I've been doing my Tesco shopping online so phased out for a bit. I suspect I haven't missed much.
Again they are arguing between the teams. This is bullshit. TEAM WORK! Their appointment should be your appointment. It's not every man for himself.
LOL I knew that appointment would be a problem; wasn't it obvious? Dimwits.
Boardroom! Nick, you tattletale. LOL Alan is teaching them to speak to foreigners like they are idiots! Fantastic stuff.
Well, they all seem to have sold a lotta crisps. Baggsy's safe again! Cool.
Did someone really just say the early worm catches the bird? That must be one big worm.
'RESOOMAY'! Won't somebody tell him? PLEASE. Nick, you're a smart arse, why don't you do it?
Chris is gonna go. I'm not sorry. Step away from 'the plate'. Oh he didn't! I barely even know who that person is he fired. I don't think I have enough space in my brain to remember the contestants that aren't outrageous or hateful.
Apologies, I should be fired from writing this blog. Oh well, back to the bathroom it is.

Banged Up Abroad (Locked up abroad)

I’m often so busy talking about the shows I don’t like on here, I forget to champion the ones I do. Banged Up Abroad (also called Locked Up Abroad overseas) is a hidden gem, stowed away on the National Geographic channel (me neither). From the title I’d think it was a show like Road Wars, featuring drunks getting nicked in Magaluf. I can assure you it is NOTHING like that, so don’t let the title put you off.
90% of the time, the show follows the same format, which is as follows: person struggles for money in hot country. Person meets X, who offers them the chance to earn big bucks smuggling drugs. Person goes for it, panics a bit, then gets caught.
The format is so simple, and it’s almost the same every week, but what makes it so compelling is that it’s real people telling their stories. Half the show is them being interviewed telling you how it happened, and half is a ‘reconstruction’ of events.
One of the things I like best about Banged Up Abroad is the quality of the lookalikes they use for their reconstructions. You’re so used to reconstructions being almost comically shit, that these ones are actually an art form in comparison. On more than one occasion I’ve thought it was actually the same person as the actor. They really, really make the effort with them, which makes it feel all the more real- especially as sometimes they’ll show you the actual crime photo of the person getting caught with the drugs in the airport and you can see how the lookalike is dressed exactly the same; they really care about the detail.
There’s always a scene where the person gets caught at the airport, and you always know it’s going to happen, but you still feel like you’re there with them when they feel that hand on their shoulder. Half the show is just build up to that moment. Sometimes they get through once or twice and that makes them greedy. I’ve seen ones where people have been conned into it, ones where people have swallowed bundles of coke. Then there’s what happens to them when they’re in prison; and often it’s horrific. Often they do several years before they get out of the most horrendous of jails. I saw one recently where the guy became a junkie and contracted HIV. Grim stuff.
One of the best episodes I saw was of a couple telling their story, and they always give their interview in front of a black background, and at the end, they drew the curtain back, and you realised they were still inside! It was so horrendous, because normally you’re waiting to find out how many years they did. It was a brilliant twist. The girl was like this Manchester raver type, everything was ‘safe’ and ‘wicked’, and it was so weird to think of her still in there.
Sometimes they deviate from the usual formula- we saw this amazing one where this guy got kidnapped by rebels in the jungle and they kept him for months. He told them he was dying of prostate cancer to freak them out and kept shoving a key up his nose so they thought his nose was bleeding from the cancer. So much stuff happened in that episode, it was like a mini film. He was the most amazingly brave person; he was like Indiana Jones.
The whole concept seems like such a simple idea, and didn’t even sound appealing to me at first, but it really is the storytelling that drags you in, and the thought that it could be you. Just one bad decision is all it takes to change the course of your life forever.
I recommend.

The X Factor: A crab came up and pinched your feet

So after Take That, JLS and Westlife last week (all shit, but all quite famous) this week we get Olly Murs. What's with this rubbish ska direction he's gone in? 'A crab came up and pinched your feet!' WTF.
He looks and sounds like Will Young, but with less hair. I find adding height to your hair when you're balding doesn't help. The clothes are dreadful. WHO IS BUYING THIS? It is dire! It is beyond dire. I think this might be the worst song I've ever heard.
I don't like all these 'Idol gives back' rip off things. It's just a dumb entertainment show, let's not pretend otherwise.
They are miming this song. Miming it! Why?! OMG Aiden. Oh, Aiden. Where's Wagner? It's the perfect time to give him a line to sing; when everyone's miming.
Katie's through! Was it the hair that did it? She didn't get booed either.
LOL Cher in the bottom two over Wagner! CHERYL'S FACE! Priceless. Priceless! I love it, because it reminds the judges we are in control, not them. I think Cher's good but she's too cocky. Dannii's face and Louis's face was good too. Shocker!
BYE PAIJE.
Cher sang the most 'loved song of all time' and was still in the bottom.
I like this song Paije is doing. Is Cher seriously going to do the song she did a couple of weeks ago? That shouldn't be allowed. Paije is actually singing this really well! Wow, he's really going for it! Didn't know he had it in him.
I'd like Cher to go in a way just to take Cheryl down a peg or two; she's been unbearable this week. Rise up Wagner fans!
I can't believe she's singing this again! She didn't even have to learn another song. Rubbish.
Cher looks like a snivelling little child. I wouldn't be surprised if Louis saves Paije and takes it to deadlock. He's a cheeky one! He likes the drama.
Ah, well he did the right thing. Cher is much more watchable than Paije, despite everything.
Katie and Wagner WILL NOT DIE. Could Wagner make the final? We decide, not the judges. Don't forget it!

The X Factor: When I dream, I dream of your vest

After the utter irrelevance of Elton John week, comes the tawdry cash-in of Beatles week. I can't stand the Beatles, or anyone who likes them. Do you know how many times I've had someone say to me 'You don't like the Beatles?!' like I've just said I like sucking off dogs. No I don't like the Beatles, they have no relevance to my life whatsoever. I'm sure to their generation they were great; fine, keep it to your generation and don't expect me to bow and scrape at the altar of Fab Macca, because I won't. It says nothing to be about my life. There's a lot of variety, and I'm sure the songs are well-written, but there's no heart to it as far as I'm concerned.
UGH Macca. Toady old twonk. I prefer Heather. Thumb aloft; now fuck off.
Matt. Zzz. Every act I'm just gonna think 'where's Aiden?'
OMG what is Matt doing? He's wearing a vest- not sure he's got the body for it. Sounds like he's got a frog in his throat. I hate this song. I hate ALL BEATLES songs. At least he's doing something different, I guess. His gigantic face just gets on my nerves, though.
Ooh, Louis doesn't like it. Louis has spoken! And Louis is a fan of a man in a vest, I'm guessing.
God I wish they'd take the audience out and shoot them one by one, tbh. Dannii: 'that performance was dripping.' Quite.
Cher is a ruthless little thing. I don't think she'll win it, actually. IMAGINE. Even I know that's not The Beatles. I fucking hate Imagine, too. Is she gonna do a rap in it? They should bring Yoko on to do a rap.
Why is she sitting on the spiral staircase from Carla's flat in Corrie? Is she gonna fly like Prince? Look at her little legs. Simon looks bored to fuck. Louis is gunning for Cher right now. Cher looks like she's going to nut him.
I like the little dark one in One Direction. He's got lovely long eyelashes. I thought their performance was quite good actually. For a manufactured band, they work well together. Dannii is slagging off the one I like! STFU. The crowd situation is fucking dumb; the acts can't even hear what the judges are saying.
Rebecca. Stunning. Lovely. good voice. Turgid song. Louis's right; she is classy. What's up Dannii's (collapsed) nose this week?
My boyfriend just said 'I wonder what Aiden would have done this week?' SOB. My friend emailed last to say 'deleted X Factor out the planner the second Aiden went'. I admire her stance.
OMG are people still saying 'there's something about Mary?' Pass the gun, dear. I confess, I fast forwarded Mary. Look how happy Louis looks when Simon pays him a compliment!
Looking at Paije there when Aiden isn't probably hurts the most. UNDESERVED. Let it be! I can play this on a keyboard. That and 'oh when the saints'. And 'you fill up my senses.' That's my full repertoire, though.
Wow, Paige has got fireworks, a choir, all he needs now is THE X FACTOR.
LOL to Louis. 'Lenny Henry... Martin Luther... Marvin Gaye.' Next week Paige will be 50 Cent!
Wagbo! Ah, a medley. Of course. Seriously, I'm better on karaoke than this dude, and I'm completely flat. Hey Jude is about the only tolerable Beatles song; well, no more. That Ju-ju-judy bit was good though!
WTF is Dannii on about? WOW did you see that look Cheryl gave Wagner?! She's one ruthless BITCH. That will keep him in for another week, guaranteed. Nasty. Wagner's come back to Cheryl was PERFECT. Saying she had 'the manners of a princess' after she just spoke to him like that - lush.
Katie, you're getting your 'stick' and your 'schtick' mixed up. You'll confuse my friend Adam- we spent a whole evening explaining that to him once.
Help! Katie looks like a little monkey with that wig on. It is a wig... right? I like her dress and falsh eyelashes. It's a bit of a dreary version of this song.
VOTE AIDEN! Oh.

BBC3 documentary: Love me Love my face

There's been precious few 'shock docs' on lately; me and my best mate used to base our social life around shows like 'The Boy Who's Skin fell off' and the latest progeria doc. People go 'freak show' but that's not what it's about. These programmes are where you find out what people are really made of; and what society is made of.
This story follows Jono, who has a genetic condition called treacher collins, that means he's basically got no bones in his face. To describe him I'd say his face looks weirdly melted. He kind of looks like a Who from Who-ville, and is more weird-looking than ugly. He's unusual, like he should be in a Tim Burton film, or a cartoon. But he's no more strange looking than half the people you see on Jeremy Kyle each morning (audience members included), in fact, he's much more normal.
Wow, his parents gave him up for adoption because of the way he looked. How horrific.
He's got a pretty girlfriend, and people can't quite wrap their head around it. Sad really, isn't it. I can already tell by the end of this show I'll be used to how he looks. So what is everyone's problem? They both seem like really decent people- is it so hard to believe that she could love him?
Jono is looking for his birth parents, even though they were 'horrified' by his appearance. How heartbreaking. Did his mum not love him and want to protect him? I can't understand that. If he doesn't find them, I hope they watch this show and feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves.
Jono; I don't think the mullet is helping, though. He's slagging off bowl cuts! I've got a bowl cut right now. Watch what you're saying, young man.
Really sad when he was talking about his parents and if they celebrate his birthday, or if they don't mention it. I bet a million quid they're not still together; how could they look at each other?
I'm blubbing now! Oh dear. His adopted mum is so lovely. God, it's so unfair the way some complete wankers can have kids and some really good people can't; the world is fucked.
Jono also has hearing problems. Sucky. I was wondering when plastic surgery was going to come up. Conform! Look like everyone else! But aren't we all guilty of it?
But he doesn't want surgery. You get used to your face, don't you. I respect that.
You have a 50/50 chance of passing on this condition to the baby. But how could you not do it; especially after your parents gave you up? It'd be like saying your life isn't worth living, when it is.
For some reason Jono is now sitting in a wheelie bin full of cold water; not entirely sure why.
I don't think his parents are going to want to know. People like that don't change. Oh fuck,have they rejected him again? OMG what is wrong with people? How can you have no heart like that? It's devastating.
It's obvious this show is just him trying to reach out to those cunts. It's just one big scream of 'I'm here!' and who can blame him? I hope they can't sleep at night. Evil, evil people, and I don't bandy that word around.
I am agog at the cruelty of his parents. Abandoned once; but then just told to fuck off again? Oh god, and he's still making excuses for them! God, don't they realise what they're missing out on? This is a subject that touches a nerve for me; heartless parents who don't give a fuck about their own children. I hope they rot.
Thank god for his adopted mother. I am proper sobbing.
I liked his girlfriend's attitude to it; calling them heartless and castigating them for putting him up for adoption within a few hours. I sometimes wonder how I can live in this world with people like his parents in it. We really are doomed. It really, really is their loss.
Jono went to visit the parents of a little girl who had the same condition as him. She looked lots like him, but her parents kept her.
Turns out his 'real' grandma wrote to him and visited him a few times when he was little. So the whole family weren't callous arseholes. She sent him £30 every Christmas and birthday. I wonder what she thought of her daughter or son's behaviour? Fucked up.
Good luck Jono and Laura; I hope it all works out for you guys.
I leave with you with this thought from Morrissey; 'if the people stare, the people stare. I really don't know and I really don't care.'

The Apprentice: The customer is always (third) reich

Pinewood studios: 'I think they make furniture'. Good start to the show. It's actually a film studio, plebs.
Westfields shopping centre! I went there recently, it's quite posh and I had cocktails, it was very girly and unlike me.
Baggs: 'I've seen this a million times before.' Oh, he's such a tool. He's definitely going to go this week. I can feel it in my bones, and so can Lord Sugar.
Sandeesh has eyes like a cartoon woodland creature. Not sure this will make her a great team leader, but it does make her look unusual and kind of cute. I reckon Jamie's got this show in the bag, unless he's a bit too posh. Trust him to go for skiing- 'everyone loves skiing'. No, only posh people like it. Poor people like the beach and binge drinking on holiday.
Why is this Chris guy always the first one up to act like a total prick?
Baggs: 'I have to reign in my own masculinity'. COCK. Stop pissing about in that car; you are going home this week.
OMG I WANT TO STAB THIS CUNT. Is he even a real person? The way he speaks to people is UNREAL!
Jamie sulking because he doesn't get to play with the kiddies!
Getting that toy car was a good coup for that team. Oh no, does that mean Baggsy's team is going to win?! Hell no.
Where is Karrrrrren this week? Nick seems quite joyful without her there.
Those DVDs are shit. When are you ever going to watch it!
LOL to Baggs ringing people up and barracking them for not collecting their DVDs. Nice!
WTF now Karren is in the boardroom commenting on shit? You weren't even there! Either that or I'm really not paying attention.
FUCK Baggs won. Why is he flirting with Alan? That gitfaced-chimp has gotta go SOON.
Now we're going to lose the cartoon woodland creature. Right?
Fuck, Karren was there, apparently. Was she doing a sponsored silence?
Sandeesh is bringing back Chardonnay from Footballers Wives. She looks like she's never seen a stick of makeup before and then been let loose in Jodie Marsh's mirrored beauty closet. Liz, apparently.
That Chris guy talks to people like they're a piece of shit, too. KNOB END.
But apparently 'he's a strong candidate'. These really are the scrapings.
Bye Sandeesh, see you on CBeebies.

The X Factor: Take That and Tsunami

Why does it look like they're miming on the group song?! What IS this song?
I like Jack the Lad Swing in the most part, they're fairly harmless (except that 'sound of music song'). Hope Marvin from JLS is OK after breaking up with 'the one' who he went out with for a whole seven months. I find if someone is 'the one' it's worth hanging onto them.
What's with the earplugs? This song blows. It's both schmaltzy and rubbish.
Talking of which, here's Westlife. The gay one looks fat. The main one is trying to hide his Steve McDonald receeding hairline with a mohawk. Where's Brian McFadden? Oh. What are they wearing, they've all got flasher macs on.
What's Louis's drinking that's got line floating in it?! That's not going to quench your thirst, Dermot.
Take That. All I can ever think of is that documentary they did and the four of them were waiting in a room for that cunt to turn up and he never did. How he's got the gall to come crawling back after all the things he's said about them baffles me. He doesn't need them. They don't need him. The whole thing is mystifying.
BODIES IN THE BODHI TREE. God, I'd like to punch that arsehole. Every movement he makes infuriates me. I can't explain how angry he makes me! I HATE HIM. If I could wipe him off the planet with a single thought, I would. I'd obliterate that cocky, nasty, egotistical, ugly, revolting, money-grabbing, talentless, rudebox-singing WANKER off the planet. I hope Noel Gallagher is watching in disgust.
This song blows as well. Westlife's song was the best!
I can't even look Mark Owen in the eye these days. When did Howard Donald become the dishiest? Gary looks fat and old.
OMG I think this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen on TV. I've never seen anything so earnestly bad in all my life. They're all kind of shouting it into each other's faces. Did we really wait 15 years for this?
WAGNER'S through! Lols. I thought he had a better week this week!
FUCK. Why is Aiden in the bottom two? Katie: your time is up, love.
Don't dream it's over! if Katie stays over Aiden, there really will be a lynching about to happen. He looks like he's got his dad's trousers on. I like the end, it was good. He's all awkward and wonderful.
I don't mind this song Katie's singing. She always does a better second song. But enough is enough. Minnie Mouse, send Katie home, ffs.
Simon is dragging this out too much, it's cruel. WTF. Aiden better not go.
Deadlock. Surely Aiden can't be less popular than Katie!
OMFG please tell me that didn't just happen. Is this a bad dream? He has got ACTUAL TALENT! This is fucking bullshit. Fucking PAIJE IS STILL THERE, FFS.
'What's next for you?' A beer.
Katie needs to hire a bodyguard. I blame Simon Cowell. I hope he's enjoying the drama. I AM FUMING! This is a travesty. First Adam Lambert, then Ben from Big Brother, now this!

The X Factor: Ban Elton

Why the FUCK are they doing Elton John week? Elton can't stand them! I can only think of three songs of his, and one is Circle of Life. It's meant to be a modern show, ffs. Fuck Elton John. Don't pander to that old buzzard. Even Elton admitted he can't compete in the charts anymore. So why are we bothering?
Bet Matt does Your Song!
Paige has got the death box. Ooh, his part in Harry Potter was good. That's enough fame for one man alone. I think Paije's voice is better than usual this week, and he looks qood in his pink jacket, but I just can't be bothered with him.
It's not Paije's fault he wasn't born when that song was out! No one was (except Louis).
I think Dannii's been on the booze before the show, she's a bit lively tonight. Who wouldn't want to put their hand over Louis's mouth?
Why is Aiden on second? I get him. Well, I'd like to. I think he's got Paije's jacket on by mistake. I like it when he sings flat and out the corner of his mouth. I like all of it, really. He makes me dribble. Why isn't Dannii on her feet? She was for Paije. I like it when Aiden pulls that embarrassed 'vote for me' face.
I'm trying to work out if Simon saying 'it's Louis wrong time of the month' is sexist.
Mary shouldn't be doing Circle of Life, she should be doing something from the Little Mermaid because she looks like the baddie in it. I think she's totally lost it, TBH. I never liked her anyway. I like the star in her hair, though.
They are so blatantly doing this Elton John week just to kiss up to him, it makes me sick. I wish they would get with it and have 90s week (that's how current I am).
OMG Katie's had her roots done; well, if that IS her real hair.
Oh no, it's not cos the roots are back. What is the deal with her barnet? She should come out with it all sleek one day. I think she looks good today. I can't bear these songs though. The dance routines make me fucking cringe, too. Brian Friedman needs putting somewhere out the way.
Liked Simon almost saying 'you're not principled' instead of 'you're not predictable' to Katie.
Everything Katie says makes me feel embarrassed for her. But it's not her fault, it's just how she is, invoking the Pride of Britain, and talking about being true to herself.
Matt's going to give it 110%. is the 10% his hat? Hmm, he's not doing Your Song. Must be Wagner then. NOT REALLY. Cher, obv.
Matt looks like Derren Brown with a cold this week. His face just gets on my nerves. WTF is this song? Fuck you, Elton, you have ruined this show. And you're not even having to sit through it. 44 albums?! That's not quality control.
My boyfriend just said Matt sang that well. Ugh. Don't want to hear it! He leaves me cold (Matt- not my boyfriend).
Cher bear! She looks more like Cheryl than ever this week with the neutral make-up; I prefer her in a neon lipstick. I actually like her voice and I like her rapping. She's different! She's obviously a little madam, but so what? She's a zillion times more interesting than Joe Mcelderry or Alexandra Burke.
Why are they filling before Wagner! Louis's hoping for 'brilliant singing'. LOL! I hope Elton John turns on his TV RIGHT NOW whilst Wagner's on. Well, you know, get David Furnish to do it for him.
Wagner is the lion king! Didn't Mary just do Circle of Life?! Oh, no, same thing though. Don't want to think about Lion King- made me sad when Moustafa died (sorry if you've never seen it).
Dannii is saying 'more talking that singing' but it worked for Jarvis Cocker all these years. PS: can someone buy me Pulp tickets, please?
It's VAGNER, Louis. I love it when he says that. Honestly, no other country in the world would let Louis be on TV, let alone speak.
Why are one Direction standing on top of 'The Cube' (ie. the rectangular cuboid?) Loving the moody shots of them in the background, very subtle.
I can't hear a word any of the judges are saying. NO ONE HAS DONE YOUR SONG YET.
I like Rebecca, I like her voice, and she's stunning, but is it really going to be Rebecca and Matt in the final? I'd much prefer Cher and Aiden.
I like Rebecca's lacy gloves. I might start wearing little lacy gloves around the house. No one has done Your Song! WTF. That is literally his ONLY DECENT SONG. They're doing Sandals in the Bin instead! Even Diana is turning in her grave.
I like Rebecca's chandelier earrings too. She is lovely, and it's been nice watching her blossom. She's just... (whisper it) a bit boring.
I hope you don't mind... well I do mind! Why did no one do Your Song? FAIL.

Natalie Cassidy: Becoming Mum

Natalie Cassidy (aka Sonia from Eastenders) will never go to Hollywood, I suspect. Unlike Barbara Windsor, she won't be starring in any films alongside Johnny Depp. Hell, they didn't even invite her back for Billy's funeral. I'd say she's about my sixth favourite Jackson; and Alan Jackson and Gaffney are obviously way ahead of her. So's the little ginger kid and that little black kid who is of mysterious parentage. But not Ricky Butcher's kid with the baseball cap. I like Sonia more than that little gimp. But anyway, I digress.
So how come this doc is on E4? It sounds like it should have BBC3 written all over it. If this show blows (which it will) I'm going to amuse myself by counting how many times the word 'weight' is mentioned.
Weight count: 4 (that's LOW!)
Natalie Cassidy- notorious party girl? I must have missed that edition of The Sun. She's hardly Calum Best, is she? I have genuinely never read a story where she's been labelled a big drinker, and believe me, I read a lot of noxious gossip. But this is obviously the angle they're going for.
Fuck me, she looks like a dog's dinner in that blue shiny dress. She looks like Joan Collins. Her boyfriend is a total dullard. He recognised her off the TV: no shit.
Magazine deal or no deal? Deal. The journalist is a right crawly creep. Oh god, tealights and rose petals were involved in the proposal. I think I preferred Billy Mitchell proposing via the alphabetti spaghetti.
The boyfriend 'doesn't particularly like the attention' just like Alex Reid hates the paparazzi.
I still can't work out why Alan Carr is working for fucking More magazine. It's a sexist shitrag. It makes the Daily Mail look well-reasoned and at least the Daily Mail is fun to read. That interview was just false as fuck.
Oh poor Natalie being chased by the paparazzi. Come on now, she's not even in Princess Tia'ami's league, let alone Kerry Katona's.
I don't understand people who have 'close families'. It makes me suspicious.
It's 38 minutes in and this is the first time they've even mentioned the baby. They should have just called it 'Natalie Cassidy shows off and chats shit.'
Stop going on about the tabloids! Just don't read them, or fuck off and live in the country like you're threatening. Except then you'll be FORGOTTEN.
When Nikki Grahame is handing out the marriage guidance counselling, forget Relate, just call the local loony bin. (Aw I like Nikki though. I'd like her to listen to my problems with that crinkly frown on her face)
More moaning about paparazzi. Oh I feel so sorry for you. But you pose for the OK shoot and take the money. Don't you see the link between the two? Are you that stupid or just that mercenary?
Mystery surrounds where they've moved to. But let's face it, it's Surrey.

The Apprentice: Influenza is Cockney

Oh, Alex... the unemployed Head of Communications. He could call himself an unemployed CEO, turkey-baster or astronaut if he wanted, if you're unemployed you're unemployed. You don't get to keep the job title.
Who the fuck is this Christopher guy? I swear I've never seen him before. Did we get a new contestant like a new Big Brother housemate? Can we evict him?
Incidentally, I did a brainstorm at work today. A top secret brainstorm! I nearly fell asleep, the meeting room lights weren't agreeing with me.
Alex on the Blitz: 'a big bombing thing- and they're dead by now anyway.' LOL! Yeah, fuck that poppy, all those old cunts are six foot under.
'Smash it out the park'. Ugh. I don't mind the stupid octopus idea in principle. At least it's eyecatching.
Octi-kleen! Shouldn't it be Oct-O-kleen? I'm not sure about Robocop cleaner either. Which is better... etc.
Exgerminate! 'Influenza is Cockney'! LOL. I liked that guy's germ voiceover, it was good.
There's not a person on the planet who would say the words 'if only I was an octopus', not even in an advert.
OMG why have they got that kid in the advert when it said keep kids away from it! Gorms. (Sexist and untrue statement coming up) Also, why are they advertising it to kids and men? They don't clean! This octopus crap is even worse though. Sigh.
Germinator (sorry o-ator) looks like weedkiller. But at least it's not sexist like Octo-pus.
Also, octopusses (pi?) don't have hands. Nick was clearly sitting on that 'tramp on chips' line. I wish he'd shut up again this year, to be honest. Leave the jokes to me, Nick.
Karaoke party! That's my kind of prize.
Alex is going to go for not bringing stern russian-looking girl in with him. That blonde guy Chris gets on my wick, too. At least Alex is good TV.
Alan clearly doesn't know the meaning of the word 'unforgivable'- as he forgave Chris. Perhaps someone should explain it to him along with how to pronounce 'resume'.
Bye Alex. I'll miss your buffoonery. But not for long.

Celebrity Coach Trip

I've never watched this show before but I've been reliably informed it's good, even the civilian version, so what better place to start than this? THIS version has Trevor and Gal from Eastenders, Ben from Big Brother, Raef from the Apprentice. The Chuckle Brothers! Like the Mario Brothers after a hard life. I mean, what more do you want? Imogen from Big Brother? Well, not really. But Bianca Gascoigne? Yes. Ingrid Tarrant? She's no wallflower. She is a dick, though.
Brendon, the tour guide, seems like a 'card'.
So weird that the Chuckle Brothers are still doing kid's TV. I've never been on a coach where all the seats face each other, it's weird. They're in Prague! I don't really understand how a coach trip works. Coaches just remind me of going to festivals.
I wouldn't want to be stuck on a coach with Trev the wife beater. He looks quite friendly, though. But I remember.
They are ballet dancing. What is the POINT of this show? I don't understand. And where is Ben and Raef?! Ah, here they are. Ben's come in his school uniform. Raef looks nicely turned out.
Why is the road moving behind Gal but not behind Raef? Continuity. Hold on, Raef isn't wearing his seatbelt! LOL to Ben getting Ingrid confused with someone else.
Raef declared himself more famous than Trevor from Eastenders! Incorrect! Trevor terrorised a nation for years.
Now they're driving tanks. This is like no holiday I've ever had. Raef is worried about his blue suede shoes.
What are they voting people off on the basis of?! Don't vote Ben off! UGH. It's like Big Brother all over again. At least they get one more chance.
Trevor: you think he'd have learnt his lesson, but he's still an aggressive oik. Ben and Raef FTW. But what is the win? What do they win? What's the premise? I have no idea.
I can't work out if I like this show yet or not. I'll give it another bash tomorrow and find out.

The X Factor: Bring back Leon Jackson

Ooh loving Dannii's lips. Cheryl is dressed like something out of Dynasty. Maybe the divorce settlement just came through.
Group song! Hope they've turned Wagner's mic down. Paije is pulling some funny faces. Cher looks good.
I'm surprised they've got Shayne Ward on, I thought they'd sold him down the river long ago. I always liked Shayne, he was just a genuinely decent guy who just seemed very well mannered even though he came from a dodgy background. But it does make me pine for Leon Jackson, who I also loved, and who they DID sell down the river. The mini Josh Hartnett must be fuming. They SHOULD support their winners; if they don't, who the fuck will? Leon is worth 450 Joe McEdlerry's.
Careful up there, Shayne. It looks precarious. This song is fucking duff. Did it take three years to write? He's still handsome but I prefer him without the beard.
'It's not about where I've been'- I'm sure that's because he's been sitting in his pants watching Jeremy Kyle.
So let's see how Kylie's incredible floating eyebrow is doing. The woman is 42! That makes me feel ancient. She just looks like a waxy child. I wish she'd just be a teensy bit more natural.
My boyfriend said this song sounds like a Scissor Sisters b-side. I think it sounds like something off her disappointing 2nd album. Let's face it, her high points were Confide in Me and Where the Wild Roses Grow. This song's even worse than Shayne Ward's.
I hope they send that miserable old bint Mary home. There's a lot of neon lipstick on the go tonight. I approve.
Ooh Cheryl seething at Wagner going through! That's the public she's sneering at, basically.
Katie and Treyc in the bottom two. Katie looks like a tattered old fairy out of the christmas decorations box in the attic.
Ooh Katie's fluffed it! LOL to her dramatics. She goes 'sod it' and then sits down in the middle of her song. I think she's funny. I also fear it's over for her.
UNBREAK MY HEART. Put Katie through. Treyc- go back to the call centre. You might have X Factor there, but not in my living room. She sounds off. Fabulous lips, though.
Bit cruel making Cheryl vote second. Bit stupid, too. It's just flim-flam. Dermot 'that's part of your job description.' Jobsworth. He's worse than Louis.
Dannii 'you're both off to the top ten.' Bullshit.
Wow, Treyc went. LOL. Katie FTW!

The X Factor: Divs in America

My TV is taping things 15 minutes late and screwed me out of 15 mins of TV Burp! Mean.
Why does Dermot wear that same gross suit every week? And why is Louis wearing the same outfit?
Cher's on first! Death box. I think her eyebrows are getting a bit out of hand. She needs to modify her stencil. OMG I hate this fucking song so much. Fuck Alicia Keys to hell. There's some cunt on a rickshaw. Why? Who is she being cuddled by? I think Brian Friedman needs to get off the crack. Cher looks pretty; she was a bit off but she's alright.
Dannii looks like she's come out wearing a blankee. We have a shiny blankee like that. When I wrap myself up in it, I feel like a Quality Street.
Cher- don't agree with Simon's criticism, especially in that slot, love.
Dermot has now pointed out he's wearing the same thing as Louis, thereby making my observation null and void.
Mary is off as well, she seems nervous. She's out of time and out of tune. I hope the judges don't soft-soap her. But they will. I can picture Mary running a wing in Holloway. Looks like she wants to go home to me. Ooh, Dannii's hair looks better tonight. Mind you,it couldn't have looked worse.
I see Simon hasn't got his sparkly poppy on tonight, but the common-or-garden paper poppy.
My Bt Vision box just screwed up. Better not have lost me Aiden!
Katie's still not done her roots. Even I'm getting mine done this week. This performance is too copycat in my opinion. It's like Stars in Your Eyes. They should bring back Stars in Your Eyes. Harry Hill could present it.
I like Katie crying on the bed in the background, very moving. Her outfit looks awful! Her hair looks gross. I don't think leather trousers look good on anyone. And waistcoats are rank.
Wow, we just saw the Alexandra Palace fireworks from our window! It was loads more entertaining than the X Factor.
AIDEN. Swoon. I don't think he's ever looked better. Don't set him on fire. He is literally smouldering. He is smiling, but it's scary smiling. He missed all the best lines out of that song. Sinead O Connor isn't a yank. My boyf says it Prince. I don't remember him ever singing it.
Paige: some of this got cut off by my BT Vision box but I liked the Outcast bit and I hate that song.
What is Rebecca singing? It sounds boring as fuck. Her eyebrows look ginormous too. She looks good though, and I know she's a good singer, I just find her a bit boring now. I'm not sure she's going to go as far as the judges think. I'm not sure 'eulogies' from the judges should be so praised either!
Wagner seems to be singing better this week than normal, to be honest. My mum will be going mad because she loves Elvis but I'm not bothered. Wagner: 'If sometimes I sing out of tune or out of time, I'm only human.' if only the other contestants could be so honest.
Matt. OMG I hate this song, it makes me want to retch. and it's grammatically incorrect. Does Matt look a bit like Derren Brown? Everyone's crying. Stop snivelling, Matt! Louis stop pointing that biro at everyone. I also don't think Matt will go as far as the judges say.
This song Treyc is singing reminds me of Jade Goody dying. Her and Tweed danced to it at their wedding and I watched the whole harrowing thing and nearly ended up in hospital that day so it's got bad memories.
One Direction. It's all a bit Glee for my liking. Have they hit puberty yet?
That's all folks. See you for Shayne Ward tomorrow. And that bit of Harry Hill I missed.

The Apprentice: She's in Fashion

My life just got a gazillion times more boring so expect more blogs. I'm eating ice cream alone on a sofa. Boo!
That dude (is it Jamie?) has a wife? I'm sure he was a bit on the gay side. Still, he still could be. Surely Baggsy should be happy you can sell a £2 piece of cotton for £100? Isn't that his dream come true?
LOL to Jamie slagging off the Mancs. They DO have a lot to answer for! Well, so I've heard.
I like the fact the girls are just getting distracted and have started shopping.
Alex is on fire today. Paloma is scary. She doesn't look like a sparkly jacket type. 'we'll be in dialogue with you later.' Eek. I'm not surprised they didn't get it; she seemed totally unimpressed in that shop.
OMG wtf is that recycled business wear? It's gross. I predict a fail. Fucking hell, Karren (ie. the young Margaret) looks like she's been up all night again. You're on telly; put some foundation on, ffs.
I don't trust English people who say 'mall'. Shopping centre is much more rustic.
I've just realised I can't tell Baggs and that other blonder guy apart! They both look like public school boys. They're both total cunts. If I get them mixed up, I apologise.
Do people turn to the right when they walk in shops? Is that scientifically tested?
I'm not sure I would wear a dress made out of old ties! Where the fuck would you wear it? School reunion?
That Amsterdam jibe was low, Nick!
Paloma is digging Alex's grave in preparation for failure. Perhaps she should concentrate more on selling. Oh, she can't cos the stuff is £300.
The advert thing was a good move. OMG that tie dress is so rank. That woman must be completely mental. Paloma: 'well done!' Yeah, well done, you rich idiot. You just threw away £300. There's people dying of cholera in Haiti. Having said that, I like those blue Liquorice dresses.
Ooh Nick didn't like Lord Sugar recycling that Amsterdam joke! That homeboy prefers to say shit behind people's back.
Paloma has got a hell of a bad attitude. I don't like the way she's speaking to old Sugarlumps. I guarantee you right now she's going to get fired.
OMG the way she speaks to people is disgusting! She making me pine for that idiot who went last week.
I actually enjoyed this show a bit more this week. But I accidentally deleted it and my boyfriend is at work and hasn't seen it! Fuckery. Doghouse for me!