The Apprentice: Haggle Rock

Sunrise at the Gherkin. Beautiful.
Girls vs Boys. But which is better, etc? Come on girls. They've not got Stuart Baggs, so that instantly makes them more appealing.
Jamie, don't invoke 'live by the sword, die by the sword'! Did you learn nothing from Nick Bateman?
What is a silva 'tikka'? Is this like a joke where they send the work experience kid to ask for something that doesn't exist? You will find the hallowed turkey-monkey and bring it back for Sugarlumps to feast on raw! Bhahahahaha!
I work near Hatton Garden- exciting.
WTF is this tikka thing? It's driving me mad. Ah, it's like indian head jewellery.
God this task is so fucking BORING.
I'd go to All Saints for the showing machine, they've got millions in there. (Don't invoke the memory of Kris!) Kris who? Be glad if you've forgotten.
The girls are getting thrashed on prices. Will Baggs ride again? I can't stand haggling, it makes me cringe. The girls clearly can't either.
I can't stand Baggs OR Chris. Posh twats. And I like posh people normally.
See her whip that pen off that dude? What a nutcase!
The boys won by £70! LOL. Baggs has actually been half bearable today. The treat is a trip to Eurodisney. Never have I seen such an illustration of the words 'Gay Paris'.
I wonder if Liz will go. Seems a shame if she does, she's a lot nicer than Russian Doll and that hard-faced blonde one. Her eyes look too big for her face, but in a good way.
Alan: 'I'm sure you'd know the price of Louis Vutton bag or Chanel glasses'?! Sexist fucker.
That blonde one is annoying. I think he's going to ditch her. She was quite shirty with him too.
Russian Doll is 22! She looks older than me. Oh he ditched her. I didn't see that one coming.
Ooh bitchiness at the end. Laydeez! Put down your shoes, handbags and diet tips and play nicely.

The Apprentice: Let's get down to crispness

I'm having a hell of a day, and I don't see how The Apprentice will help. Hopefully it will just take my mind off the horror happening in my bathroom (don't ask).
CRISPS! OK, now here's a task I can really get behind. What I don't know about crisps doesn't exist. My current favourite flavours are Walkers Turkey and Stuffing, and Walkers Sour Cream and Chive. My forever favourite is Walkers Roast Chicken.
Stella is project managing . Chris is heading the other team.
Curry crisps! No thanks. They're in Germany; how about beer flavour?
I HATE it when foreigners call crisps CHIPS. They are not CHIPS (although chips are good, too).
Sausage flavour, of course. I had sausage flavour Mccoys recently and they were rank. I was hopeful, too. Mccoys aren't cheap either!
Russian Doll is buckpassing already; 'it's your call!' I hate the way they're always setting the others up for a fall in the boardroom; they're meant to be working as a team.
Do you think Stuart Baggs has ever had sex? If so, how?
Why is Joanna talking to the Germans like they're a bit slow?
I have a feeling that 1pm appointment is going to bite them on the arse.
Sorry, I've been doing my Tesco shopping online so phased out for a bit. I suspect I haven't missed much.
Again they are arguing between the teams. This is bullshit. TEAM WORK! Their appointment should be your appointment. It's not every man for himself.
LOL I knew that appointment would be a problem; wasn't it obvious? Dimwits.
Boardroom! Nick, you tattletale. LOL Alan is teaching them to speak to foreigners like they are idiots! Fantastic stuff.
Well, they all seem to have sold a lotta crisps. Baggsy's safe again! Cool.
Did someone really just say the early worm catches the bird? That must be one big worm.
'RESOOMAY'! Won't somebody tell him? PLEASE. Nick, you're a smart arse, why don't you do it?
Chris is gonna go. I'm not sorry. Step away from 'the plate'. Oh he didn't! I barely even know who that person is he fired. I don't think I have enough space in my brain to remember the contestants that aren't outrageous or hateful.
Apologies, I should be fired from writing this blog. Oh well, back to the bathroom it is.

The Apprentice: The customer is always (third) reich

Pinewood studios: 'I think they make furniture'. Good start to the show. It's actually a film studio, plebs.
Westfields shopping centre! I went there recently, it's quite posh and I had cocktails, it was very girly and unlike me.
Baggs: 'I've seen this a million times before.' Oh, he's such a tool. He's definitely going to go this week. I can feel it in my bones, and so can Lord Sugar.
Sandeesh has eyes like a cartoon woodland creature. Not sure this will make her a great team leader, but it does make her look unusual and kind of cute. I reckon Jamie's got this show in the bag, unless he's a bit too posh. Trust him to go for skiing- 'everyone loves skiing'. No, only posh people like it. Poor people like the beach and binge drinking on holiday.
Why is this Chris guy always the first one up to act like a total prick?
Baggs: 'I have to reign in my own masculinity'. COCK. Stop pissing about in that car; you are going home this week.
OMG I WANT TO STAB THIS CUNT. Is he even a real person? The way he speaks to people is UNREAL!
Jamie sulking because he doesn't get to play with the kiddies!
Getting that toy car was a good coup for that team. Oh no, does that mean Baggsy's team is going to win?! Hell no.
Where is Karrrrrren this week? Nick seems quite joyful without her there.
Those DVDs are shit. When are you ever going to watch it!
LOL to Baggs ringing people up and barracking them for not collecting their DVDs. Nice!
WTF now Karren is in the boardroom commenting on shit? You weren't even there! Either that or I'm really not paying attention.
FUCK Baggs won. Why is he flirting with Alan? That gitfaced-chimp has gotta go SOON.
Now we're going to lose the cartoon woodland creature. Right?
Fuck, Karren was there, apparently. Was she doing a sponsored silence?
Sandeesh is bringing back Chardonnay from Footballers Wives. She looks like she's never seen a stick of makeup before and then been let loose in Jodie Marsh's mirrored beauty closet. Liz, apparently.
That Chris guy talks to people like they're a piece of shit, too. KNOB END.
But apparently 'he's a strong candidate'. These really are the scrapings.
Bye Sandeesh, see you on CBeebies.