The Apprentice: Haggle Rock

Sunrise at the Gherkin. Beautiful.
Girls vs Boys. But which is better, etc? Come on girls. They've not got Stuart Baggs, so that instantly makes them more appealing.
Jamie, don't invoke 'live by the sword, die by the sword'! Did you learn nothing from Nick Bateman?
What is a silva 'tikka'? Is this like a joke where they send the work experience kid to ask for something that doesn't exist? You will find the hallowed turkey-monkey and bring it back for Sugarlumps to feast on raw! Bhahahahaha!
I work near Hatton Garden- exciting.
WTF is this tikka thing? It's driving me mad. Ah, it's like indian head jewellery.
God this task is so fucking BORING.
I'd go to All Saints for the showing machine, they've got millions in there. (Don't invoke the memory of Kris!) Kris who? Be glad if you've forgotten.
The girls are getting thrashed on prices. Will Baggs ride again? I can't stand haggling, it makes me cringe. The girls clearly can't either.
I can't stand Baggs OR Chris. Posh twats. And I like posh people normally.
See her whip that pen off that dude? What a nutcase!
The boys won by £70! LOL. Baggs has actually been half bearable today. The treat is a trip to Eurodisney. Never have I seen such an illustration of the words 'Gay Paris'.
I wonder if Liz will go. Seems a shame if she does, she's a lot nicer than Russian Doll and that hard-faced blonde one. Her eyes look too big for her face, but in a good way.
Alan: 'I'm sure you'd know the price of Louis Vutton bag or Chanel glasses'?! Sexist fucker.
That blonde one is annoying. I think he's going to ditch her. She was quite shirty with him too.
Russian Doll is 22! She looks older than me. Oh he ditched her. I didn't see that one coming.
Ooh bitchiness at the end. Laydeez! Put down your shoes, handbags and diet tips and play nicely.

The Apprentice: Let's get down to crispness

I'm having a hell of a day, and I don't see how The Apprentice will help. Hopefully it will just take my mind off the horror happening in my bathroom (don't ask).
CRISPS! OK, now here's a task I can really get behind. What I don't know about crisps doesn't exist. My current favourite flavours are Walkers Turkey and Stuffing, and Walkers Sour Cream and Chive. My forever favourite is Walkers Roast Chicken.
Stella is project managing . Chris is heading the other team.
Curry crisps! No thanks. They're in Germany; how about beer flavour?
I HATE it when foreigners call crisps CHIPS. They are not CHIPS (although chips are good, too).
Sausage flavour, of course. I had sausage flavour Mccoys recently and they were rank. I was hopeful, too. Mccoys aren't cheap either!
Russian Doll is buckpassing already; 'it's your call!' I hate the way they're always setting the others up for a fall in the boardroom; they're meant to be working as a team.
Do you think Stuart Baggs has ever had sex? If so, how?
Why is Joanna talking to the Germans like they're a bit slow?
I have a feeling that 1pm appointment is going to bite them on the arse.
Sorry, I've been doing my Tesco shopping online so phased out for a bit. I suspect I haven't missed much.
Again they are arguing between the teams. This is bullshit. TEAM WORK! Their appointment should be your appointment. It's not every man for himself.
LOL I knew that appointment would be a problem; wasn't it obvious? Dimwits.
Boardroom! Nick, you tattletale. LOL Alan is teaching them to speak to foreigners like they are idiots! Fantastic stuff.
Well, they all seem to have sold a lotta crisps. Baggsy's safe again! Cool.
Did someone really just say the early worm catches the bird? That must be one big worm.
'RESOOMAY'! Won't somebody tell him? PLEASE. Nick, you're a smart arse, why don't you do it?
Chris is gonna go. I'm not sorry. Step away from 'the plate'. Oh he didn't! I barely even know who that person is he fired. I don't think I have enough space in my brain to remember the contestants that aren't outrageous or hateful.
Apologies, I should be fired from writing this blog. Oh well, back to the bathroom it is.

The Apprentice: The customer is always (third) reich

Pinewood studios: 'I think they make furniture'. Good start to the show. It's actually a film studio, plebs.
Westfields shopping centre! I went there recently, it's quite posh and I had cocktails, it was very girly and unlike me.
Baggs: 'I've seen this a million times before.' Oh, he's such a tool. He's definitely going to go this week. I can feel it in my bones, and so can Lord Sugar.
Sandeesh has eyes like a cartoon woodland creature. Not sure this will make her a great team leader, but it does make her look unusual and kind of cute. I reckon Jamie's got this show in the bag, unless he's a bit too posh. Trust him to go for skiing- 'everyone loves skiing'. No, only posh people like it. Poor people like the beach and binge drinking on holiday.
Why is this Chris guy always the first one up to act like a total prick?
Baggs: 'I have to reign in my own masculinity'. COCK. Stop pissing about in that car; you are going home this week.
OMG I WANT TO STAB THIS CUNT. Is he even a real person? The way he speaks to people is UNREAL!
Jamie sulking because he doesn't get to play with the kiddies!
Getting that toy car was a good coup for that team. Oh no, does that mean Baggsy's team is going to win?! Hell no.
Where is Karrrrrren this week? Nick seems quite joyful without her there.
Those DVDs are shit. When are you ever going to watch it!
LOL to Baggs ringing people up and barracking them for not collecting their DVDs. Nice!
WTF now Karren is in the boardroom commenting on shit? You weren't even there! Either that or I'm really not paying attention.
FUCK Baggs won. Why is he flirting with Alan? That gitfaced-chimp has gotta go SOON.
Now we're going to lose the cartoon woodland creature. Right?
Fuck, Karren was there, apparently. Was she doing a sponsored silence?
Sandeesh is bringing back Chardonnay from Footballers Wives. She looks like she's never seen a stick of makeup before and then been let loose in Jodie Marsh's mirrored beauty closet. Liz, apparently.
That Chris guy talks to people like they're a piece of shit, too. KNOB END.
But apparently 'he's a strong candidate'. These really are the scrapings.
Bye Sandeesh, see you on CBeebies.

The Apprentice: Influenza is Cockney

Oh, Alex... the unemployed Head of Communications. He could call himself an unemployed CEO, turkey-baster or astronaut if he wanted, if you're unemployed you're unemployed. You don't get to keep the job title.
Who the fuck is this Christopher guy? I swear I've never seen him before. Did we get a new contestant like a new Big Brother housemate? Can we evict him?
Incidentally, I did a brainstorm at work today. A top secret brainstorm! I nearly fell asleep, the meeting room lights weren't agreeing with me.
Alex on the Blitz: 'a big bombing thing- and they're dead by now anyway.' LOL! Yeah, fuck that poppy, all those old cunts are six foot under.
'Smash it out the park'. Ugh. I don't mind the stupid octopus idea in principle. At least it's eyecatching.
Octi-kleen! Shouldn't it be Oct-O-kleen? I'm not sure about Robocop cleaner either. Which is better... etc.
Exgerminate! 'Influenza is Cockney'! LOL. I liked that guy's germ voiceover, it was good.
There's not a person on the planet who would say the words 'if only I was an octopus', not even in an advert.
OMG why have they got that kid in the advert when it said keep kids away from it! Gorms. (Sexist and untrue statement coming up) Also, why are they advertising it to kids and men? They don't clean! This octopus crap is even worse though. Sigh.
Germinator (sorry o-ator) looks like weedkiller. But at least it's not sexist like Octo-pus.
Also, octopusses (pi?) don't have hands. Nick was clearly sitting on that 'tramp on chips' line. I wish he'd shut up again this year, to be honest. Leave the jokes to me, Nick.
Karaoke party! That's my kind of prize.
Alex is going to go for not bringing stern russian-looking girl in with him. That blonde guy Chris gets on my wick, too. At least Alex is good TV.
Alan clearly doesn't know the meaning of the word 'unforgivable'- as he forgave Chris. Perhaps someone should explain it to him along with how to pronounce 'resume'.
Bye Alex. I'll miss your buffoonery. But not for long.

The Apprentice: She's in Fashion

My life just got a gazillion times more boring so expect more blogs. I'm eating ice cream alone on a sofa. Boo!
That dude (is it Jamie?) has a wife? I'm sure he was a bit on the gay side. Still, he still could be. Surely Baggsy should be happy you can sell a £2 piece of cotton for £100? Isn't that his dream come true?
LOL to Jamie slagging off the Mancs. They DO have a lot to answer for! Well, so I've heard.
I like the fact the girls are just getting distracted and have started shopping.
Alex is on fire today. Paloma is scary. She doesn't look like a sparkly jacket type. 'we'll be in dialogue with you later.' Eek. I'm not surprised they didn't get it; she seemed totally unimpressed in that shop.
OMG wtf is that recycled business wear? It's gross. I predict a fail. Fucking hell, Karren (ie. the young Margaret) looks like she's been up all night again. You're on telly; put some foundation on, ffs.
I don't trust English people who say 'mall'. Shopping centre is much more rustic.
I've just realised I can't tell Baggs and that other blonder guy apart! They both look like public school boys. They're both total cunts. If I get them mixed up, I apologise.
Do people turn to the right when they walk in shops? Is that scientifically tested?
I'm not sure I would wear a dress made out of old ties! Where the fuck would you wear it? School reunion?
That Amsterdam jibe was low, Nick!
Paloma is digging Alex's grave in preparation for failure. Perhaps she should concentrate more on selling. Oh, she can't cos the stuff is £300.
The advert thing was a good move. OMG that tie dress is so rank. That woman must be completely mental. Paloma: 'well done!' Yeah, well done, you rich idiot. You just threw away £300. There's people dying of cholera in Haiti. Having said that, I like those blue Liquorice dresses.
Ooh Nick didn't like Lord Sugar recycling that Amsterdam joke! That homeboy prefers to say shit behind people's back.
Paloma has got a hell of a bad attitude. I don't like the way she's speaking to old Sugarlumps. I guarantee you right now she's going to get fired.
OMG the way she speaks to people is disgusting! She making me pine for that idiot who went last week.
I actually enjoyed this show a bit more this week. But I accidentally deleted it and my boyfriend is at work and hasn't seen it! Fuckery. Doghouse for me!

The Apprentice: Karmically, they will be retributed

Yes, I am still watching, but barely. It's funny how this show is 'must see' TV for so many, it's more like musty TV to me. Did I really just start my blog like that?! God help us.
Some interesting products for them to sell this week; mostly a variety of torture equipment (who would buy something to stop you slouching, except in some Victorian horror movie?) Also, a babygro that changes colour to tell you when your baby is dying. Marvellous.
Does that Baggs guy really speak like that? He puts the 'o' into odious.
That blonde girl with the glasses is so annoying. She talks like a teenage girl at a bus stop. I'm half expecting her to start kissing her teeth and threatening to put a cap in Lord Sugar's ass.
I kind of wanted team Knobjockey to say 'I'll just demonstrate the babyglow by sticking this baby in the oven'.
That woman in the baby shop was a CUNT! 'I'll just have to stop you there...' I'd like to stop you there with a fist in your gob. I can't stand people who speak like that. What is wrong with people? What planet are people on!
Why is everyone putting so much make up on in the back of those cars? They're trowelling it on!
Shopkeeper: 'it's very masculeene!' That's how gay people say 'masculine'. That Paloma gets on my wick a bit. I can't believe they're having a row on his doorstep when they're trying to sell him something.
I like Jamie. I didn't even realise he was team leader because he wasn't bellowing at everyone like a twat. He has got some animal analogies, though. 'Two birds with one stone... horse had bolted...' Better hope he doesn't end up dead as a dodo.
Wow they all did really well this week! So are they still going to get a bollocking? Is Alan going to send Vicky Pollard packing?
What is a cashastrophe? Jamie is becoming a stuttering mess.
Whoever fucked up with the showerheads should go, in my opinion.
A one-word sentence is just a word, really. Honestly all I do during The Apprentice is spot cliches, correct grammar and pray for the ending! 'Walking on eggshells, fireworks, machine guns.' I fucking wish!
Is that guy really 21? Fuck me. He looks 40.
Aw, I'm sad he fired Rude Girl. 'Ganging up on me.. horrible people.' oh god, don't play the damsel in distress card, not after all that attitude. BRRRRRRAP!

The Apprentice: There was literally two heads on me

'I'm sure you'll agree our thoughts our with him' says Alan of the contestant who had to leave because his brother got blown up in Afghanistan. Silence. They're probably busy hoping there won't be an eviction- sorry, sacking- this week.
Now, lets see how Sure for Men and Lynx Africa do this week.
Beach product ideas: a long hand that applies suncream! A towel with a compartment in! How about sand-proof shoes? The blonde team leader Stella is a bit sour and as red as her lipstick.
I wish I could pull faces like the girls are at my team meetings when other people spoke.
What is the purpose of the little dots on to of the u's in Cuuli? NOTHING.
The other team can't think of an idea. Their team leader Laura is quite strange looking- she's like a Russian assassin. Karren (the new Margaret) looks worn out. She's either got a mega hangover, or she's forgotten her Touch D'Eclat. They came up with a book stand for the beach. Hmm.
LOL to the blokes trying to get their team leader to model a bikini. OMG she's going to go MAD. They've bought her a 'classy' bikini even after she said no. Watching blokes shop for girls makes me weep a little.
OMG she agreed to do it! Is she mad? No, just vain.
I actually like the Cuuli! I always want a pillow when I'm sunbathing (in the park, not on the beach, admittedly).
I like Jamie! Is he gay? I thought he was a wide-boy last week but that champagne comment was quite camp.
Honestly, the way Stella speaks to people is DRAINING.
Note to contestants: 'I can sell ice to the Eskimos' is not only cliched, but racist.
'As a project manager, I should have right of speech'. You don't even have right of a basic grasp of English!
How did they guess her size for that bikini anyway? She doesn't look very sexy on that picture. She looks like a less-happy corpse.
It doesn't look comfortable to sit reading the book on that stand. Plus your suntan would get messed up.
Honestly, this Cuuli presentation blows. I could do better than that.
What's the black girl Joanna's problem? She should be on Big Brother, not The Apprentice. Check out her earrings! The girl's are getting on brilliantly, I must say.
What is 'comfortability'? It sounds like Roseability by Idlewild.
Boardroom! Kick out anyone who doesn't have brilliant blue eyes, I say. Go Hitler on them, Lord Sugar-tits.
The treat is to go to a golf club! Woo hoo. Can women even get in? That's not so much a treat as a threat.
Alan dismissing the laydeez for fighting. I'm surprised he doesn't get Karren and Nick raising their handbags ala Vic and Bob.
Karren: 'you're representing business women, one of which I am.' That's not ENGLISH. You're representing illiteracy.
Joy, your shirt doesn't fit, dude. Next time, instead of 'oh, man' try saying thanks for the opportunity.
OMG neither of them even gave her a cuddle goodbye. Heartless.
Whose responsible? You fucking are. Doesn't Lord Sugar own The Holy Bible?

The Apprentice: Bangers and Gash

Everything I touch turns to sold!
Here we are again; in the contrived world of The Apprentice. I went off it a bit last series so I'm hoping it's a bit better this year. It IS a tired format, though. (I miss Big Brother).
A lot of the women look attractive; the men look like trogs.
Team names: Fusion and Synergy sound like deodorants. I think Odious might be nearer the mark.
This short-haired blonde woman who talks like an East-London IT girl (t.m. Charley) is going to be a cunt, right.
Sausages! They are round near where I work. I never knew the meat market opened in the middle of the night! Why? That's weird. It's like some magical slaughterous underworld. I always wondered what the crack(ling) was round there. I walk through there every day and it's all shut up.
Ugh, all that meat looks gross. Morrissey must be watching between his fingers. I don't want to see what goes in sausages. And I eat them. That sausage meat coming out of that machine like misshapen willies is giving me the eebie jeebies. Pig weep.
The boy's project manager is a complete and utter cockspank. They should shove him in the sausage machine. If he spoke to me like that I'd go all Kat Slater on him.
Jamie seems like the only normal one of the boys and even he's on cliché overload.
Stuart, I have a problem with your sausage energy.
I wish this show was half an hour. The tasks go on for about 20 minutes too long. The boardroom bit is also about ten minutes to long.
The girl team leader calling her team 'raging women'. Way to play into the boys hands.
Boys lost! Kick out the team leader. I'd like to go to a champagne barbecue.
I want to go in that boardroom and make my eyes go all blue and beautiful. Maybe their eyes look so sparkly because they all look like they're going to cry.
I liked it when posh dude called team-leader-cockspank-guy 'shameful' and pointed at him like a politician. Cringeable! LOL.
ALAN STILL HASN'T LEARNT TO SAY 'RESOOMAY' RIGHT. Won't somebody tell him?
Sausage-fail kid: 'I'm one of the most successful people if not in Britain, but the world.' Who is this guy, Simon Cowell? Jay-Z? Bill Gates? No, some dick off The Apprentice.
It's hard to pick who should go out of these three; they are such massive knob-ends.
Oh, rubber face dude went. Next week: Alan tells Bono to get his coat and puts Madonna on her final warning.