The Apprentice: There was literally two heads on me

'I'm sure you'll agree our thoughts our with him' says Alan of the contestant who had to leave because his brother got blown up in Afghanistan. Silence. They're probably busy hoping there won't be an eviction- sorry, sacking- this week.
Now, lets see how Sure for Men and Lynx Africa do this week.
Beach product ideas: a long hand that applies suncream! A towel with a compartment in! How about sand-proof shoes? The blonde team leader Stella is a bit sour and as red as her lipstick.
I wish I could pull faces like the girls are at my team meetings when other people spoke.
What is the purpose of the little dots on to of the u's in Cuuli? NOTHING.
The other team can't think of an idea. Their team leader Laura is quite strange looking- she's like a Russian assassin. Karren (the new Margaret) looks worn out. She's either got a mega hangover, or she's forgotten her Touch D'Eclat. They came up with a book stand for the beach. Hmm.
LOL to the blokes trying to get their team leader to model a bikini. OMG she's going to go MAD. They've bought her a 'classy' bikini even after she said no. Watching blokes shop for girls makes me weep a little.
OMG she agreed to do it! Is she mad? No, just vain.
I actually like the Cuuli! I always want a pillow when I'm sunbathing (in the park, not on the beach, admittedly).
I like Jamie! Is he gay? I thought he was a wide-boy last week but that champagne comment was quite camp.
Honestly, the way Stella speaks to people is DRAINING.
Note to contestants: 'I can sell ice to the Eskimos' is not only cliched, but racist.
'As a project manager, I should have right of speech'. You don't even have right of a basic grasp of English!
How did they guess her size for that bikini anyway? She doesn't look very sexy on that picture. She looks like a less-happy corpse.
It doesn't look comfortable to sit reading the book on that stand. Plus your suntan would get messed up.
Honestly, this Cuuli presentation blows. I could do better than that.
What's the black girl Joanna's problem? She should be on Big Brother, not The Apprentice. Check out her earrings! The girl's are getting on brilliantly, I must say.
What is 'comfortability'? It sounds like Roseability by Idlewild.
Boardroom! Kick out anyone who doesn't have brilliant blue eyes, I say. Go Hitler on them, Lord Sugar-tits.
The treat is to go to a golf club! Woo hoo. Can women even get in? That's not so much a treat as a threat.
Alan dismissing the laydeez for fighting. I'm surprised he doesn't get Karren and Nick raising their handbags ala Vic and Bob.
Karren: 'you're representing business women, one of which I am.' That's not ENGLISH. You're representing illiteracy.
Joy, your shirt doesn't fit, dude. Next time, instead of 'oh, man' try saying thanks for the opportunity.
OMG neither of them even gave her a cuddle goodbye. Heartless.
Whose responsible? You fucking are. Doesn't Lord Sugar own The Holy Bible?

The Apprentice: Bangers and Gash

Everything I touch turns to sold!
Here we are again; in the contrived world of The Apprentice. I went off it a bit last series so I'm hoping it's a bit better this year. It IS a tired format, though. (I miss Big Brother).
A lot of the women look attractive; the men look like trogs.
Team names: Fusion and Synergy sound like deodorants. I think Odious might be nearer the mark.
This short-haired blonde woman who talks like an East-London IT girl (t.m. Charley) is going to be a cunt, right.
Sausages! They are round near where I work. I never knew the meat market opened in the middle of the night! Why? That's weird. It's like some magical slaughterous underworld. I always wondered what the crack(ling) was round there. I walk through there every day and it's all shut up.
Ugh, all that meat looks gross. Morrissey must be watching between his fingers. I don't want to see what goes in sausages. And I eat them. That sausage meat coming out of that machine like misshapen willies is giving me the eebie jeebies. Pig weep.
The boy's project manager is a complete and utter cockspank. They should shove him in the sausage machine. If he spoke to me like that I'd go all Kat Slater on him.
Jamie seems like the only normal one of the boys and even he's on cliché overload.
Stuart, I have a problem with your sausage energy.
I wish this show was half an hour. The tasks go on for about 20 minutes too long. The boardroom bit is also about ten minutes to long.
The girl team leader calling her team 'raging women'. Way to play into the boys hands.
Boys lost! Kick out the team leader. I'd like to go to a champagne barbecue.
I want to go in that boardroom and make my eyes go all blue and beautiful. Maybe their eyes look so sparkly because they all look like they're going to cry.
I liked it when posh dude called team-leader-cockspank-guy 'shameful' and pointed at him like a politician. Cringeable! LOL.
ALAN STILL HASN'T LEARNT TO SAY 'RESOOMAY' RIGHT. Won't somebody tell him?
Sausage-fail kid: 'I'm one of the most successful people if not in Britain, but the world.' Who is this guy, Simon Cowell? Jay-Z? Bill Gates? No, some dick off The Apprentice.
It's hard to pick who should go out of these three; they are such massive knob-ends.
Oh, rubber face dude went. Next week: Alan tells Bono to get his coat and puts Madonna on her final warning.