Hungry, Chris? Time for some humble pie. Don't change your 'perspection' of Chris, even though it's clear when he drinks he becomes psychotic. Apart from that he's been such a charming housemate. Just look at all the good things he's done like... er...
Adam seems alright - he seems quite chilled out. Chris is continuing his round of shit-eating. Benedict is talking about his schlong.
I quite like Becky's dress, but she is basically just Peter Kay in a drag. She said 'Deana is funny'. Really? She's no Doug Stanhope. Becky is getting on my wick, I must admit. She's just too OTT.
Lydia: 'I'm astute, I'm quite sharp.' You showed otherwise last week. I hate people who are like 'I'm this, I'm that.' I'LL decide what you're are, thanks.
Chris fingering his armpit, then sniffing his finger was a true delight. I hope he goes to make them all a lovely meal now. Arron's middle name is 'I'm not gonna lie'. He's like fucking Robin Hood stealing that banger for Chris. Sausage surprise!
There's a lot of Fair Isle knit in that house. That onesie is really getting on my nerves. It must stink by now. Ooh, Arron baby, you're so hot in your onesie, let me unzip it and get your sweaty, stinky and probably tiny cock out, I don't think. I'd like to see Arron vs Chris. Let's get some boys out for once.
Lauren seems a bit annoying but I can't quite put my finger on why yet.
I hate it when they talk about noms! Conor and Luke are making an alliance! The pastel hoodie alliance. Lydia is shoehorning her way into their gang. Ruthless! The uneasy alliance.
Now Lydia's doing some eavesdropping! I like her style, she's a playing a shrewd game. Lydia was thrilled when she realised they weren't talking about her. I like Lauren just storming in on the toilet tittle-tattle; that takes balls, I might have sat on it. But I can't work out what this argument's about.
'I was going to nominate her over a sausage.' Confront her? About what? Sausages or stroking someone's hair? I can't make head nor tail of it. Oh fuck me, they ARE still arguing about sausages. What sort of sausages were they? They're probably fucking Tesco value ones. Now if we're talking Walls, then it's a different story. I like the e-numbers that make them that unnatural shade of pink. Oink.
Chris: 'I eat an onion like an apple once a month. It keeps me healthy.' I wish I could look that healthy. Don't pigs on a spit roast have an onion in their mouth? Oh no, it's an apple, isn't it. Oh well, the imagery is still the same.
Lauren's having a crack up. To Adam: 'Can you go and stick up for me?' Can't she stick up for her fucking self? 'The sausage incident' is becoming like the Battle of the Somme.
I don't like that square toilet. Edges frighten me. How come only half of them know that they can talk about nominations? It's a bit of an unfair playing field. Is Lydia playing both sides? She's playing a dangerous game. I think I prefer her group of Adam, Scott etc to the preening men.
Another non-ending. Sort your editing out, BB. PS: SAUSAGES.
Showing posts with label sausages. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sausages. Show all posts
Sunday, 10 June 2012
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
The Apprentice: Bangers and Gash
Everything I touch turns to sold!
Here we are again; in the contrived world of The Apprentice. I went off it a bit last series so I'm hoping it's a bit better this year. It IS a tired format, though. (I miss Big Brother).
A lot of the women look attractive; the men look like trogs.
Team names: Fusion and Synergy sound like deodorants. I think Odious might be nearer the mark.
This short-haired blonde woman who talks like an East-London IT girl (t.m. Charley) is going to be a cunt, right.
Sausages! They are round near where I work. I never knew the meat market opened in the middle of the night! Why? That's weird. It's like some magical slaughterous underworld. I always wondered what the crack(ling) was round there. I walk through there every day and it's all shut up.
Ugh, all that meat looks gross. Morrissey must be watching between his fingers. I don't want to see what goes in sausages. And I eat them. That sausage meat coming out of that machine like misshapen willies is giving me the eebie jeebies. Pig weep.
The boy's project manager is a complete and utter cockspank. They should shove him in the sausage machine. If he spoke to me like that I'd go all Kat Slater on him.
Jamie seems like the only normal one of the boys and even he's on cliché overload.
Stuart, I have a problem with your sausage energy.
I wish this show was half an hour. The tasks go on for about 20 minutes too long. The boardroom bit is also about ten minutes to long.
The girl team leader calling her team 'raging women'. Way to play into the boys hands.
Boys lost! Kick out the team leader. I'd like to go to a champagne barbecue.
I want to go in that boardroom and make my eyes go all blue and beautiful. Maybe their eyes look so sparkly because they all look like they're going to cry.
I liked it when posh dude called team-leader-cockspank-guy 'shameful' and pointed at him like a politician. Cringeable! LOL.
ALAN STILL HASN'T LEARNT TO SAY 'RESOOMAY' RIGHT. Won't somebody tell him?
Sausage-fail kid: 'I'm one of the most successful people if not in Britain, but the world.' Who is this guy, Simon Cowell? Jay-Z? Bill Gates? No, some dick off The Apprentice.
It's hard to pick who should go out of these three; they are such massive knob-ends.
Oh, rubber face dude went. Next week: Alan tells Bono to get his coat and puts Madonna on her final warning.
Here we are again; in the contrived world of The Apprentice. I went off it a bit last series so I'm hoping it's a bit better this year. It IS a tired format, though. (I miss Big Brother).
A lot of the women look attractive; the men look like trogs.
Team names: Fusion and Synergy sound like deodorants. I think Odious might be nearer the mark.
This short-haired blonde woman who talks like an East-London IT girl (t.m. Charley) is going to be a cunt, right.
Sausages! They are round near where I work. I never knew the meat market opened in the middle of the night! Why? That's weird. It's like some magical slaughterous underworld. I always wondered what the crack(ling) was round there. I walk through there every day and it's all shut up.
Ugh, all that meat looks gross. Morrissey must be watching between his fingers. I don't want to see what goes in sausages. And I eat them. That sausage meat coming out of that machine like misshapen willies is giving me the eebie jeebies. Pig weep.
The boy's project manager is a complete and utter cockspank. They should shove him in the sausage machine. If he spoke to me like that I'd go all Kat Slater on him.
Jamie seems like the only normal one of the boys and even he's on cliché overload.
Stuart, I have a problem with your sausage energy.
I wish this show was half an hour. The tasks go on for about 20 minutes too long. The boardroom bit is also about ten minutes to long.
The girl team leader calling her team 'raging women'. Way to play into the boys hands.
Boys lost! Kick out the team leader. I'd like to go to a champagne barbecue.
I want to go in that boardroom and make my eyes go all blue and beautiful. Maybe their eyes look so sparkly because they all look like they're going to cry.
I liked it when posh dude called team-leader-cockspank-guy 'shameful' and pointed at him like a politician. Cringeable! LOL.
ALAN STILL HASN'T LEARNT TO SAY 'RESOOMAY' RIGHT. Won't somebody tell him?
Sausage-fail kid: 'I'm one of the most successful people if not in Britain, but the world.' Who is this guy, Simon Cowell? Jay-Z? Bill Gates? No, some dick off The Apprentice.
It's hard to pick who should go out of these three; they are such massive knob-ends.
Oh, rubber face dude went. Next week: Alan tells Bono to get his coat and puts Madonna on her final warning.
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Freaky Eaters: The Return!
Here's the news: when people call you bubbly, it's not a compliment. It means you're fat.
They have new presenters now; good, the old ones were really intimidating and weird. The new ones are more kid's TV and bearable.
Tonights subject Nikita was addicted to burgers and bacon; mmm, dead flesh. Her mum said 'you hair has gone stringy from your diet'; no that's just a bad bleach job, love (I should know, I have one!) Then her partner of 11 years said he was going to leave her 'if things didn't change'- aw.
Mmm, the dead pigs hanging up were a nice touch. The statistics of her eating in a year were: 300 rashers of bacon, 1875 slices of bread, 200 cans of beans and sausages, 60KGs of chips and 250 beefburgers. What a waste of food to have that all splodged all over the place just to prove a point. There are people starving in the world you know (believe me, I do).
As usual, I could relate to the poor unfortunate freak, especially in the psychologist's chair, because I am one. Recently I had counselling about my own eating disorder and it was very obviously linked to me needing things to be safe, familiar and heavily controlled by me. Sadly I only had 6 sessions and she told me I needed a year or two with a decent psychotherapist. So my stupidness lingers on.
I felt physically sick when she ate that tomato and cucumber together. Tomatoes have runny stuff in them! Eek! *childish*
What was that bit where they tried to force her to have a conversation with a stranger about? I'd run screaming if they did that to me.
Then she tried natural yoghurt. Yes, the smell is familiar from the LAST TIME YOU HAD THRUSH. Who would EAT THAT??? It makes me want to cower in a corner.
Oh my God, I don't want to get gout. I had a swollen ankle the other week! Panic stations!
Ooh, the nutrition guy said 'schizm'. That was sad when the burger and sausages girl's mum said she was still harking back for the old Nikita. My mum will get the lightupvirginmary she is given. It's her bloody fault I'm nutritionally inept! (It's not actually; I'm a grown woman and need to get a grip)
It was telling when she went out for Tapas and just didn't like anything. That's how I feel; I just DON'T like anything. And also, I wouldn't eat in public like that if you paid me. Even less so with a TV camera down my mush.
That was both cruel and embarrassing when they made her sing; I used to do gymnastics when I was 9, but it doesn't mean I want some pushy gimp to stick me in a leotard and tell me that's when I was most happy.
Do you think I'm getting my own issues mixed up with the programme much? I thought her boyfriend was a little hard on her; but I guess you do get sick of it after 11 years. I'm definitely sick of it after 25-odd (I actually ate OK up until I was 3).
How fucking scary is the end bit of that show, where you're forced to eat a whole mean, with everyone piling on the pressure and a camera in your face? I'd rather run naked down the street than put up with that shit. She was BRAVE. Harry Hill may laugh (and I do too) but it's fucking hard being nutritionally retarded. It's a social and logistical nightmare that never ends. And it is all just in your head; but so's anorexia, and that kills people regularly. People say 'why cant they just eat?' or 'why can't you just try something?' But it's just a mental headfuck. It's just something hard to understand and easy to mock.
And then her boyfriend was like 'I think deep down you're enjoying it, you're just unsure, push on.' Don't tell her what she does and doesn't like. It's not her tongue's fault it tastes funny, it's her BRAIN.
I guarantee she'll be mainlining tins of burgers and sausages within two weeks. No one would put themselves through that hell every mealtime. It must take years to undo the damage. I think I'll probably just take the heart attack/ diabetes/ high cholesterol. I'd rather die of that crap than get Alzheimers for twenty years.
Low energy... always ill... yes, that does sound like me. And I have stringy hair. But don't you dare call me bubbly!
They have new presenters now; good, the old ones were really intimidating and weird. The new ones are more kid's TV and bearable.
Tonights subject Nikita was addicted to burgers and bacon; mmm, dead flesh. Her mum said 'you hair has gone stringy from your diet'; no that's just a bad bleach job, love (I should know, I have one!) Then her partner of 11 years said he was going to leave her 'if things didn't change'- aw.
Mmm, the dead pigs hanging up were a nice touch. The statistics of her eating in a year were: 300 rashers of bacon, 1875 slices of bread, 200 cans of beans and sausages, 60KGs of chips and 250 beefburgers. What a waste of food to have that all splodged all over the place just to prove a point. There are people starving in the world you know (believe me, I do).
As usual, I could relate to the poor unfortunate freak, especially in the psychologist's chair, because I am one. Recently I had counselling about my own eating disorder and it was very obviously linked to me needing things to be safe, familiar and heavily controlled by me. Sadly I only had 6 sessions and she told me I needed a year or two with a decent psychotherapist. So my stupidness lingers on.
I felt physically sick when she ate that tomato and cucumber together. Tomatoes have runny stuff in them! Eek! *childish*
What was that bit where they tried to force her to have a conversation with a stranger about? I'd run screaming if they did that to me.
Then she tried natural yoghurt. Yes, the smell is familiar from the LAST TIME YOU HAD THRUSH. Who would EAT THAT??? It makes me want to cower in a corner.
Oh my God, I don't want to get gout. I had a swollen ankle the other week! Panic stations!
Ooh, the nutrition guy said 'schizm'. That was sad when the burger and sausages girl's mum said she was still harking back for the old Nikita. My mum will get the lightupvirginmary she is given. It's her bloody fault I'm nutritionally inept! (It's not actually; I'm a grown woman and need to get a grip)
It was telling when she went out for Tapas and just didn't like anything. That's how I feel; I just DON'T like anything. And also, I wouldn't eat in public like that if you paid me. Even less so with a TV camera down my mush.
That was both cruel and embarrassing when they made her sing; I used to do gymnastics when I was 9, but it doesn't mean I want some pushy gimp to stick me in a leotard and tell me that's when I was most happy.
Do you think I'm getting my own issues mixed up with the programme much? I thought her boyfriend was a little hard on her; but I guess you do get sick of it after 11 years. I'm definitely sick of it after 25-odd (I actually ate OK up until I was 3).
How fucking scary is the end bit of that show, where you're forced to eat a whole mean, with everyone piling on the pressure and a camera in your face? I'd rather run naked down the street than put up with that shit. She was BRAVE. Harry Hill may laugh (and I do too) but it's fucking hard being nutritionally retarded. It's a social and logistical nightmare that never ends. And it is all just in your head; but so's anorexia, and that kills people regularly. People say 'why cant they just eat?' or 'why can't you just try something?' But it's just a mental headfuck. It's just something hard to understand and easy to mock.
And then her boyfriend was like 'I think deep down you're enjoying it, you're just unsure, push on.' Don't tell her what she does and doesn't like. It's not her tongue's fault it tastes funny, it's her BRAIN.
I guarantee she'll be mainlining tins of burgers and sausages within two weeks. No one would put themselves through that hell every mealtime. It must take years to undo the damage. I think I'll probably just take the heart attack/ diabetes/ high cholesterol. I'd rather die of that crap than get Alzheimers for twenty years.
Low energy... always ill... yes, that does sound like me. And I have stringy hair. But don't you dare call me bubbly!
Friday, 30 January 2009
Jamie Saves Our Bacon
The annoyingly-titled Jamie Saves Our Bacon sees everyone's least favourite chef telling us what's what in pigland. Tonight's show began with Jamie telling us we were going to have a cracking show; surely he means crackling? Enjoy that crap attempt at making you laugh, because it's the only one you're going to get.
I was there at Wembley Arena when Morrissey said 'there are three things wrong with modern England; one, Jamie Oliver, Jamie Oliver and Jamie Oliver.' as a reaction to JOL slaughtering a lamb on TV. Personally, I just hate Jamie Oliver because he's a lisping twat. And the prospect of piggies in an abbotoir doesn't sound cracking to me. It sounds horrific. I also heard on the grapevine (I couldn't bear to watch the You Tube clip) about Jamie gassing a bunch of chicks 'to a show the harsh reality'. Which is a bit like me saying, 'this is the sad reality of Ian Huntley' and slaughtering two kids in the bathtub to demonstrate.
Has Jamie got a mullet now? I digress.
Oh God. I knew this programme would be hard to watch. I feel genuinely guilty about eating pork anyway, whether it's totally humane or not, but the EU pigs basically in crates was absolutely fucking disgusting. It made me sick to my stomach.
The 'Pig Brother' thing of putting people in the same kind of cages the pigs would be in was a bit crass, but I guess it proved the point.
I had to fast forward the killing. Yeah I am burying my head in the sand. I am a coward. It was kind of weird the way they shoehorned some cooking in there, that felt a bit peculiar.
I didn't really like the format of this show, I found it a bit annoying the way Jamie lorded it round in front of everyone. It didn't inspire like Hugh's show did, even though pigs are a lot more loveable than chickens.
So is Jamie an enemy or a friend of animal rights? I'll leave that up to you. But cruelty to pigs? Not pukka.
But god, I love sausages. And I'm sorry.
I was there at Wembley Arena when Morrissey said 'there are three things wrong with modern England; one, Jamie Oliver, Jamie Oliver and Jamie Oliver.' as a reaction to JOL slaughtering a lamb on TV. Personally, I just hate Jamie Oliver because he's a lisping twat. And the prospect of piggies in an abbotoir doesn't sound cracking to me. It sounds horrific. I also heard on the grapevine (I couldn't bear to watch the You Tube clip) about Jamie gassing a bunch of chicks 'to a show the harsh reality'. Which is a bit like me saying, 'this is the sad reality of Ian Huntley' and slaughtering two kids in the bathtub to demonstrate.
Has Jamie got a mullet now? I digress.
Oh God. I knew this programme would be hard to watch. I feel genuinely guilty about eating pork anyway, whether it's totally humane or not, but the EU pigs basically in crates was absolutely fucking disgusting. It made me sick to my stomach.
The 'Pig Brother' thing of putting people in the same kind of cages the pigs would be in was a bit crass, but I guess it proved the point.
I had to fast forward the killing. Yeah I am burying my head in the sand. I am a coward. It was kind of weird the way they shoehorned some cooking in there, that felt a bit peculiar.
I didn't really like the format of this show, I found it a bit annoying the way Jamie lorded it round in front of everyone. It didn't inspire like Hugh's show did, even though pigs are a lot more loveable than chickens.
So is Jamie an enemy or a friend of animal rights? I'll leave that up to you. But cruelty to pigs? Not pukka.
But god, I love sausages. And I'm sorry.
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