Morrissey at Brixton Academy 2011

Sorry for the break in service, I've been moving house and changing jobs. But with Big Brother season just around the corner, you can be sure that there will be plenty more rubbish for you to read right here. But first; Morrissey.
If you think there’s been a dent in Morrissey’s popularity lately, you couldn’t be more wrong. I have never seen Brixton Academy so heaving, and I’ve been there for lots of different gigs, including Placebo, who I always figure are more popular. There was barely any breathing room so full was the room of fat sweaty men and the odd fat sweaty woman (me included). We arrived just before 9 (was Kristeen any good?) and he came on pretty much straight away (still saw some of that tired old video he’s still wheeling out, though- I mean, does he really think it’s anything other than torture to watch? I’d rather watch the abattoir vid).
The perfect analogy for the night? Only at Morrissey do you get a boy’s toilet queue that’s longer than a girl’s toilet queue. There seemed to be four blokes for every woman in there, I’ve never seen it so man-heavy.
I might get the order of some of the songs wrong here. He came onto I Want the One I Can’t Have, followed by Irish Blood English Heart (everyone in the room sang along). We noticed there was an England flag stuck to the ceiling but I wasn’t sure if that was deliberate or not, my boyfriend says yes. We were a bit grumpy when we first went in, but Moz always cheers me up (ironically!) and you could soon forget about all the idiots and just be at one with the Moz. He did You Have Killed Me quite early, which I find a it plodding, but my boyfriend likes it.
We had quite a good spot a first but more and more people piled in and it got a bit sardine-like. Ouija Board was AMAZING, they did a really cool version of it, either the guitar or the keyboards sounded really good on it (but no STEPHEN bit… sob- he did a yelp instead). Alma Matters was also really excellent. I love hearing him do stuff from that era.
He did a few duff songs- Black Cloud should surely have been put to bed by now. Scandinavia (a new song) sounded pretty dreary. I like the other new songs though, People are the same everywhere, and Action is my middle name.
The guy in front of us was on Facebook ‘At Brixton Academy with Laura’- why not try watching Morrissey then, you cretin.
Moz made a few comments but nothing outrageous, ‘As if David Cameron has ever been to Tottenham’ and saying Prince Charles and ‘Camel’ (oh dear- it’s nearly as bad as the Royal ‘dreading’) came face to face with the British public at last’ during the student protests last year (yes, very current, Moz). This got a big cheer.
He did Speedway which was for a long time my favourite Morrissey song, and once I saw it (I think it was at Brixton, too) and it was one of the best moments of my life but this time it was marred slightly by some idiot woman’s gross white handbag sticking in my back. After that he played that bloody song about George Alagiah- also rubbish!
we moved back a bit then as we were getting proper crushed and got a drink. He did an amazing mid-section with I Know it’s Over (I’ve dreamed of that moment) and even though I was basically at the back then, I just focussed on him, and it nearly made me cry. His voice sounded so good on it. That song is probably my favourite Smiths song, and it was a real privilege to hear it live, as I never thought I would. He followed this with Every Day is Like Sunday (we had a dance in the bar) and There is a Light… I mean that’s a pretty strong three in a row. He then followed that with Throwing My Arms around Paris (zzz). Meat is Murder actually sounded pretty good, and I couldn’t see the abattoir vid from where I was, which I’m grateful for.
He also did a song called Art Hounds which was quite good and he spelt out the title for us 'hounds as in hounds of the baskervilles' like he was an OAP calling the gas board. There was also another fight in front of us, I think I attract absolute morons everywhere I go. This guy was psised off his face.
There must be more songs I’m missing. There was This No Charming Man (good) and no The Loop (thank fuck) but he finished with First of the Gang… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Could there be a more predictable and boring ending… come on Moz. I’d rather hear Last Night I dreamt…
On the whole though, a really good gig, slap bang in the middle of my Morrissey experiences. I was trying to work out how many times I’ve seen Morrissey now, and I think it must be something between 20 and 30. Nothing could ever top the glory of being down the front at ‘Who put the M into Manchester’ or seeing him at such close quarters in Yarmouth but it’s always nice to see the old fella, and show him that his real fans do really love him, no matter what, and forever.
He’s been getting a hard time lately, but I hope he knows (and he does) that Morrissey Solo is has about as much relevance to what being a Morrissey fan as I have to being a Robbie Williams fan. Solo means nothing and is nothing, and the only good thing it ever did was introduce me to the love of my life. The rest of it should be drowned in the nearest river, because what they’ll never understand is that Morrissey is about the man, and the man is in the songs. And songs like that you don’t ever turn your back on. And thank god we do have popstars who can say things that aren’t acceptable, or part of the status quo, because we need it. And anything he’s ever said to shock has always been considered. Every ‘controversy’ has been designed, because he’s not stupid. And men like him come along once or twice a lifetime, so you’d better hang onto him. Because you know as well as I if he dropped down dead tomorrow you’d be on the bandwagon quicker than I could say ‘Johnny Marr’.
PS: Brixton is a hellhole, even more noticeably so now I live almost outside London.

Undercover Boss: Southern Fried Chicken

I can't believe they are DARING to do an undercover boss in a cheapo chicken shop. The Managing Director must have some balls. LOL! The MD looks exactly as you'd expect. Greasy!
The most people I've ever seen eating cheap chicken is on Old Street at lunchtime when about a thousand school children stand on street corners noshing the stuff. They are literally like human pigeons. My favourite cheap chicken shop in Old Street is amazingly called something like FCFK. Quite.
Apparently in other countries SFC is a real rival to KFC abroad. Foreign tourists must get a shock when they come here and see our ones! In the 200 shops in the UK SFC is vile, and barely even a rival to Dallas Chicken, Favourite Chicken, Chicken Cottage et al. I reckon I could name at least 25 more cheap chicken branches in London. They're more prevalent than Boris bikes, and more English, somehow, ironically, as a half the staff and customers aren't. In fact, it's not English, is it, it's London, multicultural, poor, and looking for a cheap meal. Me included.
So they're rebranding SFC. Are they going to get a better class of clientèle, rather than teenage boys grunting 'Gimme thigh!' Go in a cheapo chicken shop late at night in London: ALL human life is there. Just mind you don't get stabbed.
The SFC toilets look gross. KFC toilets are bad enough, and they've got the Colonels noggin on them. I am salivating at the thought of this MD meeting them.
The people who work in those chicken shops must be part saint/ part have no choice. Can you imagine the shit they have to deal with? Drunken, agressive, rude arseholes. The threat of violence.
The MD is worried about giving people food poisoning. With some of these people, how could you even tell? Him having to wipe the counter down after someone did a moonie on it must have been a highlight.
The MD had 'no idea' what his customers were like. Well it's not likely to be Tarquin and Jemima out for their 25th anniversary, is it?
Oh God, I'm not sure I want to see where the staff go to get their chicken from. It's not even a cash and carry, it's just a local shop!
'How do you know when you need to change the oil?' 'When it goes black.' YUM! This dude is going to get sacked.
Raw chicken on the floor! Finger licking good! I think I'm going to vomit. If this is happening in SFC, what the fuck do you think is happening in FCFK?
The greasy MD is worrying about putting these people out of business. He should be more worried about poisoning his customers. NB. He reminds me a bit of Michael Moore. But without the ethics. Why is he going on about the 'true recipe'? He doesn't have a secret recipe! If he did I'd be in there getting my delicious crispy strips from him.
Uh oh, Imran is stocking a rival chicken recipe and he's got 'Imrans' on the shirts instead of SFC. LOL! Imran is going DOWN. He's quite handsome, if you take away, you know, working in a cheap chicken shop. He's got lovely eyelashes. I guess living in Afghanistan is marginally worse than dealing with the customers in SFC.
The SFC brand is fucked! None of his shops are on brand. There's no seasoning on his chicken. His own staff don't give a shit. Like I said: he's brave admitting this on TV. The rot must have started somewhere; surely he should know what's going on in his own shops?
The reveal. Normally they get a promotion at the end. In this one they got a bollocking.
Isham from Afghanistan, with the filmstar good looks, if it wasn't for the chip fat, got sent him back to see his baby who he hasn't seen in three years. Cynical? Yes. But this is the best Undercover Boss I've seen in ages. The Ann Summers one last week was whack. What was she thinking with that wig!? Mentals.

Jamie Saves Our Bacon

The annoyingly-titled Jamie Saves Our Bacon sees everyone's least favourite chef telling us what's what in pigland. Tonight's show began with Jamie telling us we were going to have a cracking show; surely he means crackling? Enjoy that crap attempt at making you laugh, because it's the only one you're going to get.
I was there at Wembley Arena when Morrissey said 'there are three things wrong with modern England; one, Jamie Oliver, Jamie Oliver and Jamie Oliver.' as a reaction to JOL slaughtering a lamb on TV. Personally, I just hate Jamie Oliver because he's a lisping twat. And the prospect of piggies in an abbotoir doesn't sound cracking to me. It sounds horrific. I also heard on the grapevine (I couldn't bear to watch the You Tube clip) about Jamie gassing a bunch of chicks 'to a show the harsh reality'. Which is a bit like me saying, 'this is the sad reality of Ian Huntley' and slaughtering two kids in the bathtub to demonstrate.
Has Jamie got a mullet now? I digress.
Oh God. I knew this programme would be hard to watch. I feel genuinely guilty about eating pork anyway, whether it's totally humane or not, but the EU pigs basically in crates was absolutely fucking disgusting. It made me sick to my stomach.
The 'Pig Brother' thing of putting people in the same kind of cages the pigs would be in was a bit crass, but I guess it proved the point.
I had to fast forward the killing. Yeah I am burying my head in the sand. I am a coward. It was kind of weird the way they shoehorned some cooking in there, that felt a bit peculiar.
I didn't really like the format of this show, I found it a bit annoying the way Jamie lorded it round in front of everyone. It didn't inspire like Hugh's show did, even though pigs are a lot more loveable than chickens.
So is Jamie an enemy or a friend of animal rights? I'll leave that up to you. But cruelty to pigs? Not pukka.
But god, I love sausages. And I'm sorry.