Big Brother 2013: Secrets and Lies

What series is it? I never have a clue. For the amount of different Big Brothers' I watch, my knowledge of the finer details are quite poor. Anyway, this is the first UK series that Emma Willis is presenting, something which is upsetting my boyfriend, an avid Brian Dowling fan. I personally think Emma will do a decent job and I quite like her.
On the face of it, things could be good this time round. There's a new producer, quite a radically different house, live feed (two hours, but you know, it's better than a smack in the face). Rylan also said on The Wright Stuff that the contestants were going to be older, which probably means there are two or three oldies. There's a psych show. All pointing towards a good show, right? So why is this 'launch night split over two shows' making me twitch? I've got a funny feeling it's going to be boys and girls in two different houses like on the Australian show, which we know didn't work from Ziggy's year. I don't like first night twists, I just want to see them interact, but I know that ship has long sailed. Waa waa waa, back in the day. I know. I'm old.
Sponsored by Super Casino! The class goes up and up. 
Here we go! Emma looks good. I like her dress and shoes. Her arms look muscly! And she's a fan of the show. She is a bit 'only following orders' but that's OK.
The house looks cool! Look at the doors. It looks like they've spent a few quid on it for once. It's quirky, like a Teletubbies house. The house looks massive! I like the furnishings! I don't like the Diary Room chair, though. It doesn't look comfy. Nice to see round the house though (briefly). 
First in are Jack and Joe (Jedward after too many carveries). They don't look 18. They look about 40. What's with those jumpers? Are they one housemate or two? I hate these joint housemates. They are individuals even if they're twins. They laugh like a pair of hyenas.
Next up is Sallie, a firebreathing glamour model. She's got loads of tattoos so that's a bit different from the usual glamour girls. She's more Jodie Marsh than Jordan. Likes beanie hats. Why? DAPPY. OMG look at her outfit! I think she forgot to put her top on. I'd be nervous about hugging her! You'd get done for sexual assault. I'm surprised she didn't get booed more for being so comfortable with herself. I think she might be alright. At least interesting.
Jemima runs a golddiggers website. She looks ropey. Her highlights wouldn't be out of place on a Judge Judy guest. An SJP lookalike! That's nothing to boast about. She could be entertaining, though.
They're drinking out of jam jars. They're taking this eco thing seriously.
Michael is 'a little bit crazy'. He described himself as 'a little bit cute.' I beg to differ. He looks like a frog. Says he has a gameplan. Unless I see it drawn in crayon I'm not interested.
OMG Michael is a MOLE! A real mole! Cool. We've been waiting for that one for a while. I wouldn't like him to stay the whole time though. What if he wins it?
I like the tree house and the garden. WHERE'S THE CHICKENS? Bring back Marjorie! Definitely showing my age now.
Callum is 'laid back with a sharp edge.' Like a razor on the side of the bathtub. He didn't get a Twitter quote come up so I can only presume he's too stupid to use Twitter. This is my idea of hell in a man. Right there. He's a great interviewee! Emma looked at him like 'you freak.' He reminds me of Conor. He reminds me of someone else too, but I can't place it. Callum's favourite 'artist' of all time is Will Smith. What?
Wolfy is up next. Peter Kaye in lesbian form. She's a hippy. She's barefoot and crying. Oh dear. She used the word 'birds' to describe women. Ugh. Do lesbians really do that? If so, we've got no hope as women. Oh no, apparently she meant actual birds. Sorry, Wolfy. She doesn't drink. Always suspicious. She reminds me of Becky from last year, and that's NOOOOOOO good thing. 'Come on, you bastards' was her high point. 
Sam. A Welsh Harry Styles. I can't understand what he's saying! Give him some subtitles FFS. Is he deaf? Oops. 'You make my winky expand'. Ugh! 23, he looks about 12. HE'S NOT EVEN CUTE. Oh shit, he really is deaf. Apologies. He still needs subtitles, though.
Sophie: 'people fink that I'm fick.' I wonder why? 'But I'm quite clever actually.' We'll see. She's dressed like a mermaid. Her voice is enough to make you want to punch yourself in the face. Two people within the space of two minutes have described her as gorgeous now. If you say so. I'm so over thick people on BB.
Ad break. Neighbours: the eclipse. That sounds good, ha.
Yeah Dexter looks good, Kenneth Tong the return! Spent £121K in a bar. 28?! He looks about five. He's gonna be an ALMIGHTY douche. He's going to be a great housemate. When he told Emma he had a 'kind heart' I was disappointed. He's got his Butlins coat on! Did he say 'is that legal?' to Sallie's outfit?
How did Michael know where the DR was? PLANT! So does he act in the Diary Room, too? Maybe he's not even Irish. Get him to say 'three' then we'll figure it out.
ACTING! It would be hard to act all the time. As he's finding already. LOL someone just called him a cunt. NO ONE would go in there on the first night and shred all the other housemates clothes: no one. You'd be out on your ear in ten seconds. This 'twist' could fall apart any second.
I hate people who say 'borrowed you' when they mean LEANT, Sallie. It's LEANT, Sallie. Or is it lent?It's underling leant. Either way, it's not 'borrowed you'. EITHER WAY.
Fucking hell man, we could have got a warning for 'My face is eating me alive.' C5 has so turned into C4. They've nicked all their best shows.
It's bollocks that they're shredding all their clothes. It's just empty suitcases. Dexter looks like Rodrigo from a distance. A long distance, as Rodrigo is cute. Let's throw Callum in the shredder to check it's working. There's no WAY their clothes are in there. What if people have got contact lenses and stuff like that? I wouldn't cuddle Michael, I'd be fuming! I'd be wearing his clothes for the rest of the season. Even if they didn't fit.
In a way I think it's good splitting the launch show as sometimes it can be tedious. I wonder if there'll be another mole tomorrow? The only reason I'm pissy about it is because my boyfriend is working tomorrow so we can't watch it together, I know, heartbreaking, get your tiny violin out.
Right we're gonna do a podcast. I did enjoy it, you know! I like Emma! There will be blood. Ooh I just saw 5 mins of BOTS. I didn't expect AJ to speak like that, like Tess Daly. Rylan looks like he's struggling to keep his teeth in, bless him. I miss Jamie East! I never thought you'd hear me say that.

The Voice: Live shows

Hello! I've been a big blog-dry lately but with Big Brother on next week, I thought it was time to get back in the saddle. So these are the live shows? What was the rest of it? I've actually been enjoying The Voice in a very much brain-off sort of a way. The shows are too long, though. And I'd probably enjoy this show more if they hadn't ditched the people I liked pretty much every single round.
Jessie J's bald head suits her, which is surprising as she's got a face like a shovel. Jessie J really reminds me of a dying Jade Goody lately, and the bald head isn't helping. RIP.
Holly's gone for strapless, which is brave. I don't think curvy girls can do strapless, but I'd hate to comment on all the WOMEN'S appearances without slagging off the men. Trouble is, the men are so boring in their appearances that they're barely worth mentioning. What is Reggie doing there again? At least for once it's a man in an utterly pointless supporting role.
I like this Matt guy who looks a bit like will.i.am (no he DOES, I'm not being racist). I like his clothes and he appears to have some real talent. Why are they putting him on first?! Dear Lord, what is this song they've give him? Dreadful. It's like something the Lion King, except not catchy. The song choices have been awful for weeks. They were meant to be able to choose their own songs last week, and the judges just railroaded them into picking the songs they wanted, or just wouldn't put them through to spite them. Tom Jones: 'he kicked it.' Kicked what? The bucket? It was duff, let's just admit it. Jessie J did a boo-boo.
Next up: a Welsh person Tom Jones put through. This is news right up there with Louis Walsh putting an Irish person through. They just ask for the passport and the person doesn't even bother having to sing. Oh, no, sorry, he's Jessie's, my mistake. Can't we have a break from looking at Jessie, please?
This is that fat dude. They've put him in a shirt reminiscent of when Violet Beauregarde blows up in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Is anyone going to do a song we've heard of? This is like me being a judge and getting my acts to all do obscure early Conor Oberst tracks. Simon Cowell wouldn't let this shit fly.
I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful and she was really good last week. Jessie has given out another dire song, like a slowed-down disco song, and put her in some disgusting shiny leggings. She's never going to get through with a song choice like that. Cruel.
So Jessie gets to put one of her own acts though? Why? Why can't we choose now? Jessie J telling the audience off for enjoying themselves. Typically, she put through the person I like the least, Ash. If she hates something, I'm guaranteed to love it and vice versa.
Next up is team Tom... and Alys. Remember Leanne Mitchell who won last year? Well she's like her. Yet another song I've never heard of. I haven't known one song yet. I mean, I know doing Mariah Carey's Hero is a bit old hat, but could we have something middle ground? Something from the past 15 years that's popular? Tom Jones said 'if Alys does touch you emotionally you need to get your emotions looked at.' Tell it to your wife, bitch. I so LOVE someone going on incessantly about their kids.
Next up is Joseph. I'm really getting bored now. His voice isn't bad. Is he a superstar? No.
Next is Mike, the guy who looks like a rapper but sings country. Wonderful. We don't have country music here! Not a niche that needs filling. Go away. Tom Jones looks like he's nodding off in the old people's home again. Tom put through country dude. Zzzz.
Next up is Andrea... oh, God. Lovely voice, shame about the personality and the hair. Mind you, she is blind, the hair isn't really her fault. Seriously, who is styling her? She always looks like she's about to go to the wedding of someone she doesn't like. Danny is bopping about as if something amazing is happening. It isn't. She has a nice voice. That's it. There's no X Factor here, I'm afraid. To say otherwise is patronising. Well done, Andrea, you chose a song. And Danny will put you through. Next!
Mitchell 'loves rock music'. Last week he sung Lady Ant-whatherface, the one about being drunk and making a booty call. I thought that song was a joke the first time I heard it. He also murdered something else recently but I can't remember what it was. Ah... he's reimaging 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons. I only like 'It's Time' by them. That song is so good and then all their others are a bit blah. Ooh, they've put wub wubs on it. HE'S GOT RIPPED JEANS ON. He must be rock. CASE CLOSED. His hair is too fine to be rock. Danny's gurning is better best forgotten. Holly had to apologise because Mitchell said 'Jesus Christ.' Are we that sensitive? Dear me. He's not 'a rock star'. He's a pub singer.
I still have no clue why this Karl guy got put straight through last week. He's like a fat Ray Quinn. It's like when Arg gets up to sing in TOWIE and I don't even watch that show. He like a sweatier Tommy Duckworth. I like this song and he's RUINING IT! He's putting zero emotion into it. KEY CHANGE. Oh, he's blaming his earpiece for being out of time.
Danny put Andrea though, as I predicted about ten minutes ago. It can't feel good for her to know he's propping her up, I'd rather the public had a say if I were her.
Will's team has the best people; they're more individual. Will is talking gibberish, have his meds kicked in? Leanne aka Chantelle Houghton is good, I like her. She's quite draggy, but there's just something loveable about her. Her performance is super camp; it reminds me of Rylan, but she can sing, too. I don't like the song but at least it's got a bit of drama to it.
Cleo is doing Imagine. Why? It doesn't suit her and it's an awful song. She oversang it. I like her but that was not the right choice for her.
I like Leah, I think she's cute, she reminds me of Shirley Manson. She looks like she should be in Corrie in the 60s. Oh dear Lord, she's doing a slowed down version of I Will Survive, a song that demands to be sung along to. I was singing along to Cake's version in my car earlier. I like her, but Will's song choices were iffy. I hope she DOES survive.
Will is tweeting the person he's putting through. Cos he's an idiot. Oh it's Leah. Cool. Will hasn't quite got this 'being on TV' thing sorted.
That Tyler guy I didn't like last year is back singing an awful song. He looks stoned. Oh and here's the guy who wears horrible vests. We've had Rylan since you, mate, your services aren't required.
Yay, here's Bo Bruce! A person who actually looks like a popstar. Danny is doing a 'blank-what-is-he-thinking' face and singing the words to her song wrong. I'd like to play poker against this guy. He's almost see-through! I REALLY like Bo's album, I've been listening to it loads. Wow, Leanne looks like she's put on about three stone. My boyfriend said she was fat anyway but I didn't remember her looking like Supernanny. Bo blows her out of the water. Oh God, I can't do the results show as well. I just can't. I'm posting this. I'll tweet a comment on the results AS IF YOU CARE.
Come back Big Brother, quick!

Eurovision 2013

A confession: I was going to give Eurovision a swerve this year but everyone seems to be watching it, and my Eurovision blog is kind of a tradition, so here we are. I'm watching 30 minutes late which I hope will give me sufficient room for forwarding dull montages (check), choirs (check) and any dancing whilst they count the votes. But why do I have a feeling I should have started an hour and a half in?
The presenter is rocking a bubblegum pink dress with long sleeves and disgusting pink shoes. I have a Swedish friend; I'm pretty sure this isn't how Swedish people dress. Oh she's doing funnies. Ish.
First up, France. She's like Courtney Love, pre-nose job. I kind of admire the fact she hasn't bothered doing her hair. She even screamed a bit.
Lithuania: Has Eurovision gone rock this year? This is power pop. 'Because of my shoes...' WTF sort of lyric is that? This guy can't sing, bless him. He's also got a bit of a scary stare on him. What about his shoes?
Moldova: We've already got Lady Gaga. Move along. She's growing! She's a GIANT. Flames. It's like the Hunger Games. If you need those sort of theatrics, your song ain't good enough.
Finland: Sam Fox begging for a proposal. At least she's got a sense of humour. This is what Eurovision is about; tongue in cheek nonsense. 'Uh oh, uh oh a ding dong. I'll change my last name, do the walk of shame.' These lyrics are dynamite. Is it about gay marriage? I think that kiss was just gratuitous.
Spain: BAGPIPES. This woman is so orange she makes Michelle Keegan look pasty. This is also power pop. But duff.
Belgium: Eyebrows aloft. Is that combover hairdo not done yet? He looks like he's MIMING. WTF?! Love kills, over and over. Ooh, I think he's got wub wubs. Unfair advantage! My boyfriend is staring at the wall as *points at TV* 'there's nothing over there.' PARTY!
Estonia: A pregnant Disney princess. Dry ice. This girl knows how to sway.
Belarus: Coming out of a disco ball: is Brian Freidman choreographing this? Rylan style! This song blows.
Malta: Helpfully has the lyrics behind him so you can sing along at home. This guy is super smiley. How can you smile and sing at the same time? This is almost folky. Like Mumford and Sons on the Capri Sun.
Russia: Ballad. She's catching her breath after every line, which I sometimes like but not on this occasion; she sounds asthmatic.
Germany: I've heard of Cascada, they're an actual dance band. My boyfriend just made his first comment of the night at her singing the lyrics 'the world is ours' he piped up, 'she shouldn't say that in her shoes.' She's singing about being young, but I'm not convinced she is. I can't see her getting on an 18-30 holiday anyway. I like this 'oh oh oh' bit, it's like a Killers song.
Armenia: Did Bewitched really bring back double denim? Asian guy. Wind machine. Awful.
The Netherlands: I think this Anouk is a real singer. My boyfriend's second comment of the night: 'she's got some cheek, hasn't she?' Mean. This is fucking dreary.
Romania: Who let Dracula in? He's got some falsetto on him. I rather like him.
UK: Why can't we have an act under 70? Why are we the only county represented by geriatrics year after year? She looks like the lost Nolan sister and sounds like a frog. I hadn't heard this yet. I wish I still hadn't. Is this the best we got? And we said no to Morrissey? I'M ASHAMED. Has she got a leotard on? She's gonna get fucking trounced.
Just realised I haven't said anything about Graham Norton. He's so/so - I've laughed once or twice.
Sweden: Losing in front of your home crowd. This dude has got more makeup on than Bonnie Tyler. He's wearing clashing shades of cream. 'Youoooooooouooooooooooou' - who does he think he is, Brian Molko? It's quite catchy, I'll give it that. I think this might be my second favorite.
Hungary: I don't like the ones where they don't sing in English. I know. He's indie, too. Nice cartoon, though.
Denmark: Pan pipes! She's quite cute. This song's a bit duff, though. We just caught up and tried to press the red button and it WON'T LET US. GRRRR. We have subtitles, though.
Iceland: Justin Lee Collins is representing. Oh OK, the subtitles are translating. 'I have life,' and something about mountains.' Mountains are always good in songs, mountains, the sky, it being very high and so on.
Azerbaijan: 'If love is a mountain, we've hit our load and are about to explode.' Christ. His mountain tops your mountain, Iceland. It's quite dramatic isn't it? He's got a little copycat hanging out in a box but they're not in time very well. Grab a grand! KEY CHANGE! I like this one. It feels like he means it.
Greece: This is classic rubbish Eurovision, some old dudes doing folk songs. Oh god, it's gone ska. Horrendous. ALCOHOL IS FREE! Whoop.
Ukraine: Vikings. She looks identical to someone who sang earlier. It's like Cheryl Cole's long lost foreign sister. I prefer Gravity by Embrace.
Italy: All the men look the same shade of orange. He's got GREAT STAGE PRESENCE. He's like a fucking statue.
Norway: Kind of dancey and dramatic with strings; 'I feed you my love.' She's got the moooooooooooooves like Jagger. Oh, no she aint. She's got a JLO bum and she has 'the future on her tongue.' What does that involve?
Georgia: a gruesome twosome. Losing faith now.
Ireland: WHERE'S JEDWARD? They wouldn't allow themselves to be painted orange and sing over this trancey old trot. It's like Fatboy from Eastenders in leather trousers.
OK it's done. Petra, when people were asking what you were wearing, they meant it rhetorically, as in 'what IS she wearing?!'.
Oh here's the old dear who won last year. 'We got the power.' SNAP.
WTF is this Swedish 'smorgasboard'? My boyfriend is beginning to get a bit antsy. 'Mamma mia, Ikea.' LOL. They're dressed in the Ikea colours too. 'Meatballs seasoned with a hint of horse'!!! This host has actually been funny in parts.
Someone is singing my favourite Abba song! Is this Sweden's answer to Adele?
WTF why didn't we vote for Finland? UK's votes were whack. Why didn't we vote for Ireland, Graham? NO JEDWARD, that's why.
Graham on Ukraine bloke giving the results: 'It's sideshow Bob.'
They didn't even bother with the last lot of votes, ha. So Denmark won - she was cute but that's about it. Now theyv'e going back to the votes. WTF. That was a mess. I know who's won so I'm turning off.
I will say, that wasn't as painful as recent previous years, but I'm not sure why. Having said that, I thought this finished at 11 and when I saw it was 11.15 and my boyfriend called me a 'lying cunt'! CHARMING! He's only joking though, and has been very patient really. As have you, reading this after all that. Goodnight!

Album: Bo Bruce - Before I Sleep

I’m a bit late, but what’s new? I haven’t reviewed an album for AGES, mainly because I’m an old fuddy duddy who listens to the same old shit all the time.

I only just got round to listening to the whole of Bo Bruce’s album and I really enjoyed it. I have been following her since I went along and saw her on ‘X Factor-style show for indie kids’ Orange Unsigned Act– you can read this as ‘I liked her before you did’. She came second to the excellent Tommy Reilly (where’s he now, bless him?) Then of course, I was rooting for her to win The Voice as well. As it turns out, it’s probably a good thing she didn’t. No, definitely a good thing, although it seemed like a real injustice at the time.

The album is probably poppier than I expected, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Bo’s voice is the number one thing you’re listening to, and the songs are really catchy. Wouldn’t it be nice to see this doing well in the charts instead of the usual crap?

I really like opening song Landslide, it could have easily been the first single, too. I like ‘there’s blood on me/ there’s blood on you’ as a lyric. I can well imagine warbling along to this in my car, and having a ‘wooooo’ in your song is never a bad thing. The second song is the single, Save Me. Again, it’s great. I’m glad she’s not come out and done something radically different from her usual style. I suppose it’s not exactly a feminist anthem with the lyrics ‘why would you wake me, when you’re not going to save me?’ but it’s a pop song, so I should stop being such a snob. I like the drum machine kind of sound, the production kind of reminds me of You are the Quarry, and that magical moment when we thought Morrissey was going to be popular again.

The next song Alive continues in a similar vein, this could easily be a single too, it’s all soaring and anthemic. Speed the Fire is really lovely, it’s got xylophones which always makes me think of Bloc Party, and it’s a bit more moody. There’s a man doing back up vocals, I’m just going to look up who it is. I can’t seem to find it, but anyway, he adds a nice tone. This song is the biggest departure from the rest of the album so far.

After a super strong start, the album goes off the boil for three tracks in the middle (a bit like during a Morrissey gig, but make that six tracks). Telescope didn’t do it for me, then Ghost Town definitely felt like an album track, a bit dirgy.  I definitely prefer the poppier songs. I’m also not a great fan of On the Wire. I wish these three tracks had been interlaced with some of the others, especially as the first four songs were so strong. These three just didn’t have a strong enough hook for me.

Luckily, Holding the Light gets the album back on track. It’s quite stripped down, and her voice sounds lush on it. It’s just a lovely ballad, really. Lightkeeper is also good; heavy on the drum machine. ‘Miracles and chemicals’ as a lyric sounds almost Suede-esque. This song kind of reminds me of something off The Killers new album. Bo can easily hold her own amongst the indie boys; and being radio friendly is no bad thing.

The Fall is a bit filler-y again, but is followed by The Hands I Hold, which could easily be another single. Echoes kind of sits in the middle for me, but Golden is a bit more pacey. There are more lyrics about flames – has Bo been in a house fire recently?

How we’re made is really sad, it nearly got me blubbing, but I am a notorious soft touch. It’s just moving and pretty and the way she sings, ‘I just miss you’ is heartbreaking. This is the end of the main album and it’s a strong bow out.

There are three bonus tracks, which is quite generous on top of 14 songs on an album; I appreciate that because I hate it when I get an album and it’s got 10 songs on it, I just think it’s tight.

Bonus track Search the Night continues the sombre tone and the guy is back doing backing vocals. I like hearing a guy doing backing vocals for a woman as it kind of inverts the norm.

I like Another Life and there’s another song called Another Life by a band called NO that I also like. You should check that out. Over & Over (Run with the Horses) is good because one, it’s always good to have brackets in a song title, and two, it sounds a bit housey. Probably the only thing that could have made it better was adding a big of 'clip-clop, banging two horseshoes together' sound effects. 

On the whole, I think this is a great album, and exactly what I would expect from Bo. I liked 14 out of 17 tracks (including the bonus ones on the Deluxe version) which is really good for me. I’m sure I’ll be hammering these in my car alongside all my usual favourites.

I really hope people buy this album, and I hope Bo has a long and successful career. She deserves it.

Big Brother Canada: a post-mortem

Now that the shock of the frankly shambolic ending is over and I've had a couple of days to digest the sheer ridiculous of it all, I thought I'd wrap up Big Brother Canada for once and for all this season.
For those who don't watch it, the winner is decided by the last 7 housemates putting a keycard with the winner's name on in a slot. Doesn't sound too hard, right? Well, one housemate was too busy showing off to check which keycard she picked up and voted for the wrong person. Her single vote meant that the one person I wanted to win, and the one person who she'd been campaigning to win all season, came second. Meanwhile, an inscrutable (and dare I say it) boring person - Jillian - shamelessly took the hundred Canadian dollars, a car and 25K shopping voucher; whereas Gary (pictured above) the vibrant, funny, underdog, fighter - and let's be honest, star of the show - was left with twenty thousand dollars. I don't know how much twenty thousand Canadian dollars is, but it's not enough to make up for this almighty disaster.
It was car crash TV: probably the biggest fuck up I can remember since Terry Wogan announced the wrong winner in the Eurovision pre-rounds, and that's wasn't exactly something a lot of people remember. So how could this have happened? From what I've heard/read, the producers did check the keys, and knew full well that Topaz had voted for the wrong person, but kept the votes the same for 'dramatic effect.' Well I hope they're pleased with themselves, as the 'dramatic effect' it had was showing Arisa Cox can present about as well in a crisis and she can choose outfits that don't look like they're out of the lost property box each week. She was so far out of her depth that she'd probably reached the coastline of America. As Topaz begged and pleaded with her to change her vote, Arisa stood with her back to the camera (dur), repeating, 'I don't know what to do.' What they should have done is dragged Topaz off the stage and given her a slap. I can understand that 'all votes are final', but it made the last ten weeks completely and utterly irrelevant. All of the 'strategising and scheming' Arisa was constantly going on about amounted to nothing because of one simple mistake. Epic fail. 'Oops, I've done a Topaz' is already probably in common parlance in Canada. I watched the last 15 minutes of the show with my head in my hands, and the podcast we did straight afterwards pretty much consists of me going 'oh my God' and sighing loudly.
So a few thoughts on that, and the rest of the series, whilst I have a clear head. One: the way glorious Gary  handled it was absolutely beautiful. Classy, classy behaviour. He insisted the money didn't mean anything to him and it was more about him championing gay rights and getting his face known, but it MUST have hurt underneath. I suppose the only consolation can be that he will always be thought of the rightful winner by many, and he'll get sympathy wherever he goes. Jillian, on the other hand, will be treated like crap. I don't advocate that, but the first thing I would have said if I was her would have been 'I'll give Gary the car or the voucher.' She just stood there grinning inanely, which is pretty much what she's done all season.
A word in Jillian's defence though. It wasn't Jillian's fault it happened, it was Topaz's and the producers. I also got very annoyed at the suggestion that she 'rode Emmett's coattails' through the competition. Her and Emmett were at least equally matched as players; and in fact she won one more Head of Household (HOH) competition that him. I think it was for the last seven weeks, one or the other of them won the competition. You can't deny them that and the other housemates were idiotic not to evict them sooner. I even think BB fixed it slightly so Jillian didn't win the final HOH by making the endurance challenge about strength rather than stamina as it usually is.
I also want to say what a whiny little baby Emmett turned out to be. I liked him throughout the season, even when he was playing 'tough guys' with Tom, but the way he reacted to Gary evicting him was pathetic. Gary made 100% the right move to cut him at exactly the right moment. It's just a shame it meant absolutely nothing in the end. Emmett also seemed quite ungracious about his supposed girlfriend winning; surely he should have been happy for her, at least, especially as she won it as a complete fluke, and pretty much undeservedly? Even his message to her as he put the keycard in was a dig at Gary (Gary was evicted, but voted back in by the public, so Emmett said he didn't deserve it), and not something like 'Jillian, you've won the most competitions in this game, I'm really proud of you and you deserve this.' Douche move, Emmett. I don't think this is going to be a 'showmance' that's going to survive in the real world - I'd certainly tell him where to go after that. He thought he had it sewn up: he didn't. That's life, Emmett. Think how Gary feels! At least Jillian might take you out to dinner and buy you a new cowboy hat.
As for the rest of the jury, specifically Peter and Alex ('The Sheild', or even more embarrassingly, I saw Peter write it on Twitter as 'The Sheyld' - cringe) and their X Factor arms (see left) and neon shoes and smart-arsery: well did they get egg on their face in the end, or what? Peter, who I liked throughout the show (he has the same eating disorder as me), made a unnecessarily nasty comment to Jillian when he thought she was done for, calling her 'an awful player and an idiot': neither of which was true. She was 10 times the player he was; sitting back and playing shrewdly, unlike him. Peter made several schoolboy errors, from evicting AJ over the odious Andrew, and the worst of all, evicting Topaz (and her dressing gown of doom) when they could have teamed up and had a real run at it. The problem with Peter, and Alec, is they talked the talk but they didn't walk the walk. What about when Alec just gave up on that last veto competition? What really was his thinking behind that? The way he treated Topaz was also pathetic and childish. Both Peter and Alec went on like they were a pair of teenagers. You weren't power players, you weren't baddasses, and Peter was only elevated to a higher postition of cool by being Marsha the Moose's object of affection. Marsha (think Tree of Tempatation if you're in the UK) was a lovely twist, and a bit of comic relief, and will probably be the most memorable character of the series apart from Gary.
So, whilst we're on Marsha, what else did the show do well? I'd actually say, a lot. Whilst heavily borrowing from BBUS, it also used several ideas from BBUK and BBAU, such as the yes/no task, secret missions, and a more lighthearted approach than the full-on bloodshed of BBUS. There was humour and comraderie. The casting was excellent, and it was great to see all new players, not the recycled old people again and again from BBUS. I realised Canadians are really cool people, and I love the way they say the word 'out'. I did thoroughly enjoy the show, so to see it end in such a shitstorm was genuinely upsetting and disappointing as a fan. I hope the producers enjoyed their 'drama' because it really left a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths. I'm quite sure there will be hundreds, if not thousands, of people not watching again, because you think, what is the point if the rightful person isn't even going to win? What really was the point of all the comps, the social games, the fighting?
So do the right thing, BB Canada, and next year bring back Gary as host (we had a contestant in BBUK go on to become host). I'm sure he'd do a better job than Arisa, it would kind of be just desserts. Whatever happens; Gary will go onto great things, and Jillian... I don't know.But I would personally feel guilty spending someone else's rightful money.
Finally a shout out to Tom, a pound shop Marshall Mathers (right), and one of the most impressively stupid contestants of all time, who actually said on the live feed 'I don't wear condoms, condoms are for pussies' as well as calling Gary 'a faggot' before being evicted by his own alliance before we even got to jury house stage. What an almighty douche. Hats off. You're the new Jesse.
Will I be watching again, if they do even bring it back now? Of course I will! But for God's sake, get your shit together. They threw in so many 'twists' that had a major effect on the game, but they couldn't anticipate that the final twist of all could have seen them possibly digging the show's own grave. Let's hope that's not the case.
PS: Can I have Marsha now? Or even Marge the evil moose? I'm not fussy.

Big Brother Canada – Everyone in this house makes me sick

We’re halfway through Big Brother Canada, and I have to say, I’ve been really enjoying it, apart from a few mental twists (why bother saving Suzette that week? And how unfair was the instant eviction – on AJ AND Topaz?) Casting has been very good on the whole, there’s not much deadwood, although some of the big characters went early (the idiotically self-obsessed and self-proclaimed ‘humanitarian and philanthropist’ Liza still had a lot more scheming in her and it would have been fun to see her come unstuck later down the line, as well as seeing how her ‘relationship’ with Peter played out once that bonehead Tom was gone). Talking of Tom, as ridiculous as he was, it was a shame to see him go, taking all his bluff, bluster, homophobia and protein powder with him. I was hoping he was going to punch someone.

The big heartbreak, though came this week, when we saw Gary Glitter leave the house and be deported back to Cambodia (sorry, wrong Gary Glitter). Another big shame of this series is how the house has voted in such a sheep-like fashion, and big characters have suffered at the hands of this – so I’ll always give kudos to Emmett who still gave Tom his vote, and Gary, who voted for Suzette despite the house, too. I wanted Gary to win it, but it became clear he wouldn’t early on, when he stood up for minorities, was entertaining and proved himself good at challenges. He HAD to go, bitch.

I won’t do a catch up of the whole series as we’ve done a couple of podcasts covering that, so I’ll just talk the past couple of episodes (and I’m always behind because my boyfriend does weird hours, so I don’t even know who the new Head of Household is yet… not that I really care now Gary’s gone). I will say from the quite small amount of After Dark episodes I’ve watched (and I’m far behind) that Gary did get a good edit on the highlight shows. He could be quite obnoxious and calling everyone ‘bitch’ constantly, is probably not to be advised, unlike viewer discretion.

So last Sunday’s episode saw Andrew put Gary and Topaz on the block. The mission of ethnically cleansing the house is almost complete: first Kat, then Aneal, Suzette, AJ and Gary. There’s just Topaz to go; my current favourite. Why is she my current favourite? Well, let’s see. She’s shown evidence of a spine. She’s stuck her neck out for her friend (Gary), even to the detriment of her own game. She got royally done over by Big Brother’s ‘twist’ – how unfair to be HOH and then get shafted like that. True, she was stupid to do her thinking aloud. But I wonder if BB TOLD her to do her thinking aloud? At the time I was pleased to see AJ go; but Andrew has become a paunchy megalomaniac in his absence; ‘I must avenge AJ!’ Well you didn’t, because you evicted Gary. So much for that. Mostly I feel sorry for Topaz for her ‘cuddlemance’ with Alec; a man so shallow that the only thing that’s made him cry in the house is the thought of Canada seeing his tiny, tiny penis. The only person who’s ‘soulless’ is him, and if he thinks faking romance endears him to the public, he must be as stupid as he is big-headed. I cannot WAIT to see ‘The Shield’ get their comeuppance; the only problem is, I’m scared it might not happen. And also, I barely like anyone left. In fact, apart from Topaz, the only one I have a soft spot for is Emmett. Obviously 12,000 times keener on Jillian than she is on him, I’m just waiting for the moment she leaves the knife hanging out of his back, giggling and smiling coquettishly as she does it.

So, back to Andrew, who I liked up until about a week ago. Now I see him as a huge floater; this East Coast/ West Coast BS exists purely in his own mind – like Marvin’s bolt-on alliance to the our Horsemen in BBUS – and either side will cut him as soon as look at him. I actually heard him say on the live feed, ‘I’m 38! He’s only 21.’ Can you imagine a 38-year-old playing this card? It’s like saying ‘I’m eight and three quarters.’ Tool! Ever since he shaved his sideburns off, he’s been dead to me. Worse than dead, because he evicted the actual entertainment. I would rather see the Talla win than this idiot, and she’s little better than a doorknob.

It’s funny because Talla didn’t bother me until a week or two ago, either; I think it’s because they’ve been giving her more airtime and her pathetic squealing, amateur dramatics and I’m-drunk-so-will-snog-a-girl antics are really starting to grate. No one can actually be like that, and I can’t be bothered with the fake. She’s pretty clever though, as she can just switch to whichever side has power now, and could easily float her way to the final. Peter tried to recruit her to The Shield whilst dressed as the Google incognito window dude, whilst Andrew tried to get her onto his boring, 38-year-old side. Peter did a pretty awful job of saying ‘I’ll look after you’ – even Talla didn’t look fooled. Still, playing the joker could pay off handsomely for her; it’s just a shame we have to witness it. Also; should Big Brother be letting people get so drunk on vodka they’re throwing their guts up all night and someone has to stay up with them? I’m far from uptight, but I’ve not seen someone that drunk on BB since Antony Hutton in THAT wetsuit (TV gold). People can and do choke on their own vomit in those situations, which would not be great PR for Slice, I’m sure. Also, she fell clothed into the hot tub, peed in it, and then admitted it. Once she watches this footage, this is a girl who will never drink again. Also, eww to Andrew’s comment ‘it wouldn’t be the first time a girl has peed on me.’ Bitch, please.

Which brings us onto ‘The Shield’ *does stupid X factor arms*. Surely Simon Cowell has trademarked that X Factor pose? Oh whatevs, I don’t think stupid shouty Peter and Frankenstein-hair Alec are exactly troubling his radar. I thought it was hilarious when we met Peter’s mother, who proudly said you could count the number of things Peter ate on one hand, which were BBQ potato chips, cheese pizza, French fries and chicken nuggets, adding, ‘he’s low maintenance.’ That’s not low maintenance, that’s an eating disorder. How does he stay so skinny on this amazing diet? I want to study him more at mealtimes; is he getting his own chicken nugget budget? I can’t exactly comment on people who have diets like a five-year-old, but it’s nothing to be proud of. So it was amusing when Arisa asked Peter if he was missing his family and he goes, ‘No. I only see them once a year.’ You’ve done a great job there, Peter’s mum! What does he have for Christmas dinner, cheese pizza with chicken nuggets on top? Oh, Peter. Marsha the Moose really was your finest hour, and that was about five weeks ago.

At the other end of the socially-disturbed spectrum, is Alec – aka tiny dick – who last week’s highlight was that he ‘spilt Pepsi on his pants.’ This guy is a sociopath. Topaz actually does have feelings for him, which was illustrated when she called Talla a ‘slut’ for getting into bed with him (innocently). She wasn’t angry at Talla, she was upset about Alec’s betrayal and being on the block. Not excusing her behaviour; she was wrong, but at least it was REAL. It was real emotion in the face of the crumblemance. He couldn’t give two shits.

By the way, what happened to Gary’s piñata veto ticket? That went the way of Billy’s hash he nicked from the post in Eastenders; never mentioned again. Poor Gary, denied his prize and sent to Jury with AJ. It’s a fate worse than death. It’s AJ-gatory.

The horror-themed veto was quite good (except for the outcome) – it looked genuinely gruesome and like they’d spent a few quid on it, and let’s face it, Alec already had the haircut. Finding disembodied limbs blindfolded in groo – you can’t beat it. I thought it was interesting Jillian mentioned she was a teacher – what age group does she teach, because I basically watched her shag someone on TV a while back. I don’t think you’d be going back to your teaching job after that on the UK version. I could tell Gary hadn’t won the veto by the fact they showed him kicking off at Talla at the start; that was a clip of a man with his balls to the wall. Still, it was disappointing to see Andrew win and see him get even smugger. Can you think of anything duller than an Andrew/ Talla/ Jillian final three? Jillian is a crafty one as she gives NOTHING away. I feel like I know zip about her. Except the fact she will stab Emmett in the back. She’s Lady Macbeth in waiting.

So onto Gary’s meltdown – overreaction much? Cooker-gate made his slop-strop look almost reasonable. She only asked him to turn the pan down! I think we all know it wasn’t about the cooker, but about Gary losing the veto. Even so; he should not have been that aggressive, and he was quite intimidating. In the BBUK house, you’d be taken aside and told to cool off for that behaviour – and rightly so.

A note on the editing: I didn’t like the way Thursday’s show was edited as if Gary or Topaz had already left and the focus was on who would win HOH next week. I do miss the flim-flam of BBUS and how they try and lead you up the garden path with who’s going. Everything feels like a done deal with BBCAN which ruins the suspense somewhat.

So in the end it was between my two faves, and Gary took the hit. He looked shocked but he must have known he was the bigger threat. I’m pretty sure Gary will have his own show sewn up in Canada, and I like to think of him as I saw him on the live feed the other day, going ‘My breakfast drink is vodka and coke, my lunchtime drink is a cosmopolitan, and my evening drink is…’ something I can’t remember, but the fact his ‘breakfast drink’ is vodka and coke is pretty special. Also, respect to Gary for using the word ‘naysayers’ in his exit interview. Also: the show dies here. *throws glitter on the coffin*

So we were left with them hanging off an iceberg: and boy, does Topaz need to hang on. Emmett was sitting down, I noticed, is that allowed? I don’t know who won HOH because I’m hiding from spoilers, but it’s got to be one of the girls with a task like that, as it takes a small body to win. Jillian has a great chance; but Topaz can do it. And if she really wants to stay in the house, she’ll have to. And wouldn’t it be lush to just see her take out Alec and his stupid haircut? Wouldn’t it just be… just?  

I’m really missing reading all the tweets, too, but I’m always about a week behind because of the hours my boyfriend works so I just can’t read them!  I wish I could be more interactive, but I just have to be a bit of a behind-the-times loser, instead. No change there, then. But thank you, Canada, for filling in the gap between BBUK and BBUS and also for the live feed. They’ve got a few things wrong, but they’ve done it in the name of drama, so you can’t fault them for that. Heeeeeeeeeeeey!

Jodie Marsh: Bullied

You're not one of those dullards who hates Jodie Marsh, are you? Sometimes I think hating Jodie Marsh is just something people feel they're expected to do, like a default setting in humans that they don't really think about. Well, stop and think about it for a minute. Jodie Marsh is actually quite amazing. There's lots of things I love about her. Her digging out Pete Burns in Big Brother about the 'gorilla' coat (and he did bully her, and others on that show, and I don't throw the word 'bullying' around lightly, like they like to on Big Brother). Her completely mental blog (now defunct); it kept me amused for HOURS during one particularly boring job. Her ill-advised TV marriage. Her lesbian period (is she bi now, or is that done with?) Her tattoo period including her dad's wonky tattoo. Her obnoxiously bright red hair. I'm not into weighlifting, but I admire that she can do it. It takes a LOT of discipline to have a body like that, and go on that strict a diet. But my favourite thing about Jodie Marsh is it's always something different with her. There's always a new scheme cooking, and I admire than in a person. She bounces back, no matter how many times people knock her down, how many boring jokes about her nose, which incidentally, looks completely normal. I like the way she goes on about bullying and vegetarianism until you're bored senseless. I just like the way she is. You've got to hand it to her, as well, she keeps getting TV shows. And if you put her up against her old 'nemesis', the monotone beach-ball, botoxed, dead-eyed, sexless Jordan, Jodie ALWAYS comes out on top. No kids, no baggage, just a spring in her step, and a plan to change the world. Next year she'll probably be your MP or she'll be in the circus, or she'll have had a religious conversion. So, take another look, and I think you'll find you do like her, after all, don't you? I bet you probably like Danny Dyer, too, if you think hard enough about it.
This show is on Channel 5, so you know it's gonna be good. Jodie Marsh is kind of monotone, too, I suppose, but she's sparky. I wish she didn't have the fake boobs and the trout pout and the botox now, but I suppose there's pressure from Nuts and all that bollocks. But really, she's better than that. That's more Jordan's style.
Jodie has gone to America to investigate their 'unique' form of bullying; school massacres. Oh no, it's the shooters who went on the rampage as a reaction to bullying. Well, it's a fair point. If you hate the world, I suppose it makes sense to take a few with you when you go, especially when you're 15, have never had sex, people are giving you shit every day and there's guns galore. It's not hard to see how it happens.
Jodie goes to talk to a school teacher, who must wonder who made this cartoon character of a woman - with blusher going from her earhole to her mouth - a 'journalist'. Still, it's better than Rick Edwards or John Fashnu's charmless daughter, isn't it?
It's quite interesting that bullying is illegal in America and you can take action in that way. I think it's true that schools in the UK sweep bullying under the carpet. Teachers don't want to know.
Not sure about 'Mr Mojo' who 'empowers' the students; I think I prefer Mr Motivator, and he's creepy.
Jodie flirting with the guy in the school! Naughty!
It was sad when she went to see the parents of a boy who'd hung himself. It's horrible when any child kills themselves because they don't realise that life changes when you get older, but you can't see outside your narrow margin of your tiny world when you're that age. Although I did. I wasn't bullied but I had a difficult home life, and I always had one eye on leaving school and getting the fuck out of town. I feel sorry for those who lacked that imagination.
Oh bloody hell, this next guy she met was left paralysed by school bullies - by one punch! Fuck. Poor guy. That's a tearjerker. Oh my God, and the bully was still at school afterwards! WTF? The school took no responsibility?! How could this poor kid even have to go back to the same school?
Ok, they sued the school for four million dollars, so schools are forced to be more responsible (because of money, not because they care about kids). But what about the individual who did it? He just gets of scot-free?
I liked the 'it's cool to be kind' teacher who played music instead of having a school bell and educated students to step in and defend other kids. It's so 'American', though, can things like that ever work here? We're too cynical! See; Jodie wants to change the world. I like that about her, it saves me the trouble, as personally, I can't be bothered.
You can't stop bullying unfortunately, it's like trying to achieve world peace, or stop people being arseholes. But schools could definitely do more. I remember the first day I went to 6th form college and someone held a door open for me, instead of spitting on me, and I actually felt shocked. And I wasn't even bullied at school, I was just a grebo so got shit for the way I looked, but I was a tough little teenager and gave as good as I got. My dad was of the 'if someone hits you, hit them back' school of parenting. So if that was my minor experience, god help the weak kids who didn't dare say boo to a goose. It's funny to think Jodie Marsh was probably that girl once, a little mouse, and now look at her, begging to be looked at. And you don't like her? You animal. You bully!
And Pete Burns: I haven't seen you on TV lately.