Big Brother Canada: a post-mortem

Now that the shock of the frankly shambolic ending is over and I've had a couple of days to digest the sheer ridiculous of it all, I thought I'd wrap up Big Brother Canada for once and for all this season.
For those who don't watch it, the winner is decided by the last 7 housemates putting a keycard with the winner's name on in a slot. Doesn't sound too hard, right? Well, one housemate was too busy showing off to check which keycard she picked up and voted for the wrong person. Her single vote meant that the one person I wanted to win, and the one person who she'd been campaigning to win all season, came second. Meanwhile, an inscrutable (and dare I say it) boring person - Jillian - shamelessly took the hundred Canadian dollars, a car and 25K shopping voucher; whereas Gary (pictured above) the vibrant, funny, underdog, fighter - and let's be honest, star of the show - was left with twenty thousand dollars. I don't know how much twenty thousand Canadian dollars is, but it's not enough to make up for this almighty disaster.
It was car crash TV: probably the biggest fuck up I can remember since Terry Wogan announced the wrong winner in the Eurovision pre-rounds, and that's wasn't exactly something a lot of people remember. So how could this have happened? From what I've heard/read, the producers did check the keys, and knew full well that Topaz had voted for the wrong person, but kept the votes the same for 'dramatic effect.' Well I hope they're pleased with themselves, as the 'dramatic effect' it had was showing Arisa Cox can present about as well in a crisis and she can choose outfits that don't look like they're out of the lost property box each week. She was so far out of her depth that she'd probably reached the coastline of America. As Topaz begged and pleaded with her to change her vote, Arisa stood with her back to the camera (dur), repeating, 'I don't know what to do.' What they should have done is dragged Topaz off the stage and given her a slap. I can understand that 'all votes are final', but it made the last ten weeks completely and utterly irrelevant. All of the 'strategising and scheming' Arisa was constantly going on about amounted to nothing because of one simple mistake. Epic fail. 'Oops, I've done a Topaz' is already probably in common parlance in Canada. I watched the last 15 minutes of the show with my head in my hands, and the podcast we did straight afterwards pretty much consists of me going 'oh my God' and sighing loudly.
So a few thoughts on that, and the rest of the series, whilst I have a clear head. One: the way glorious Gary  handled it was absolutely beautiful. Classy, classy behaviour. He insisted the money didn't mean anything to him and it was more about him championing gay rights and getting his face known, but it MUST have hurt underneath. I suppose the only consolation can be that he will always be thought of the rightful winner by many, and he'll get sympathy wherever he goes. Jillian, on the other hand, will be treated like crap. I don't advocate that, but the first thing I would have said if I was her would have been 'I'll give Gary the car or the voucher.' She just stood there grinning inanely, which is pretty much what she's done all season.
A word in Jillian's defence though. It wasn't Jillian's fault it happened, it was Topaz's and the producers. I also got very annoyed at the suggestion that she 'rode Emmett's coattails' through the competition. Her and Emmett were at least equally matched as players; and in fact she won one more Head of Household (HOH) competition that him. I think it was for the last seven weeks, one or the other of them won the competition. You can't deny them that and the other housemates were idiotic not to evict them sooner. I even think BB fixed it slightly so Jillian didn't win the final HOH by making the endurance challenge about strength rather than stamina as it usually is.
I also want to say what a whiny little baby Emmett turned out to be. I liked him throughout the season, even when he was playing 'tough guys' with Tom, but the way he reacted to Gary evicting him was pathetic. Gary made 100% the right move to cut him at exactly the right moment. It's just a shame it meant absolutely nothing in the end. Emmett also seemed quite ungracious about his supposed girlfriend winning; surely he should have been happy for her, at least, especially as she won it as a complete fluke, and pretty much undeservedly? Even his message to her as he put the keycard in was a dig at Gary (Gary was evicted, but voted back in by the public, so Emmett said he didn't deserve it), and not something like 'Jillian, you've won the most competitions in this game, I'm really proud of you and you deserve this.' Douche move, Emmett. I don't think this is going to be a 'showmance' that's going to survive in the real world - I'd certainly tell him where to go after that. He thought he had it sewn up: he didn't. That's life, Emmett. Think how Gary feels! At least Jillian might take you out to dinner and buy you a new cowboy hat.
As for the rest of the jury, specifically Peter and Alex ('The Sheild', or even more embarrassingly, I saw Peter write it on Twitter as 'The Sheyld' - cringe) and their X Factor arms (see left) and neon shoes and smart-arsery: well did they get egg on their face in the end, or what? Peter, who I liked throughout the show (he has the same eating disorder as me), made a unnecessarily nasty comment to Jillian when he thought she was done for, calling her 'an awful player and an idiot': neither of which was true. She was 10 times the player he was; sitting back and playing shrewdly, unlike him. Peter made several schoolboy errors, from evicting AJ over the odious Andrew, and the worst of all, evicting Topaz (and her dressing gown of doom) when they could have teamed up and had a real run at it. The problem with Peter, and Alec, is they talked the talk but they didn't walk the walk. What about when Alec just gave up on that last veto competition? What really was his thinking behind that? The way he treated Topaz was also pathetic and childish. Both Peter and Alec went on like they were a pair of teenagers. You weren't power players, you weren't baddasses, and Peter was only elevated to a higher postition of cool by being Marsha the Moose's object of affection. Marsha (think Tree of Tempatation if you're in the UK) was a lovely twist, and a bit of comic relief, and will probably be the most memorable character of the series apart from Gary.
So, whilst we're on Marsha, what else did the show do well? I'd actually say, a lot. Whilst heavily borrowing from BBUS, it also used several ideas from BBUK and BBAU, such as the yes/no task, secret missions, and a more lighthearted approach than the full-on bloodshed of BBUS. There was humour and comraderie. The casting was excellent, and it was great to see all new players, not the recycled old people again and again from BBUS. I realised Canadians are really cool people, and I love the way they say the word 'out'. I did thoroughly enjoy the show, so to see it end in such a shitstorm was genuinely upsetting and disappointing as a fan. I hope the producers enjoyed their 'drama' because it really left a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths. I'm quite sure there will be hundreds, if not thousands, of people not watching again, because you think, what is the point if the rightful person isn't even going to win? What really was the point of all the comps, the social games, the fighting?
So do the right thing, BB Canada, and next year bring back Gary as host (we had a contestant in BBUK go on to become host). I'm sure he'd do a better job than Arisa, it would kind of be just desserts. Whatever happens; Gary will go onto great things, and Jillian... I don't know.But I would personally feel guilty spending someone else's rightful money.
Finally a shout out to Tom, a pound shop Marshall Mathers (right), and one of the most impressively stupid contestants of all time, who actually said on the live feed 'I don't wear condoms, condoms are for pussies' as well as calling Gary 'a faggot' before being evicted by his own alliance before we even got to jury house stage. What an almighty douche. Hats off. You're the new Jesse.
Will I be watching again, if they do even bring it back now? Of course I will! But for God's sake, get your shit together. They threw in so many 'twists' that had a major effect on the game, but they couldn't anticipate that the final twist of all could have seen them possibly digging the show's own grave. Let's hope that's not the case.
PS: Can I have Marsha now? Or even Marge the evil moose? I'm not fussy.

Big Brother Canada – Everyone in this house makes me sick

We’re halfway through Big Brother Canada, and I have to say, I’ve been really enjoying it, apart from a few mental twists (why bother saving Suzette that week? And how unfair was the instant eviction – on AJ AND Topaz?) Casting has been very good on the whole, there’s not much deadwood, although some of the big characters went early (the idiotically self-obsessed and self-proclaimed ‘humanitarian and philanthropist’ Liza still had a lot more scheming in her and it would have been fun to see her come unstuck later down the line, as well as seeing how her ‘relationship’ with Peter played out once that bonehead Tom was gone). Talking of Tom, as ridiculous as he was, it was a shame to see him go, taking all his bluff, bluster, homophobia and protein powder with him. I was hoping he was going to punch someone.

The big heartbreak, though came this week, when we saw Gary Glitter leave the house and be deported back to Cambodia (sorry, wrong Gary Glitter). Another big shame of this series is how the house has voted in such a sheep-like fashion, and big characters have suffered at the hands of this – so I’ll always give kudos to Emmett who still gave Tom his vote, and Gary, who voted for Suzette despite the house, too. I wanted Gary to win it, but it became clear he wouldn’t early on, when he stood up for minorities, was entertaining and proved himself good at challenges. He HAD to go, bitch.

I won’t do a catch up of the whole series as we’ve done a couple of podcasts covering that, so I’ll just talk the past couple of episodes (and I’m always behind because my boyfriend does weird hours, so I don’t even know who the new Head of Household is yet… not that I really care now Gary’s gone). I will say from the quite small amount of After Dark episodes I’ve watched (and I’m far behind) that Gary did get a good edit on the highlight shows. He could be quite obnoxious and calling everyone ‘bitch’ constantly, is probably not to be advised, unlike viewer discretion.

So last Sunday’s episode saw Andrew put Gary and Topaz on the block. The mission of ethnically cleansing the house is almost complete: first Kat, then Aneal, Suzette, AJ and Gary. There’s just Topaz to go; my current favourite. Why is she my current favourite? Well, let’s see. She’s shown evidence of a spine. She’s stuck her neck out for her friend (Gary), even to the detriment of her own game. She got royally done over by Big Brother’s ‘twist’ – how unfair to be HOH and then get shafted like that. True, she was stupid to do her thinking aloud. But I wonder if BB TOLD her to do her thinking aloud? At the time I was pleased to see AJ go; but Andrew has become a paunchy megalomaniac in his absence; ‘I must avenge AJ!’ Well you didn’t, because you evicted Gary. So much for that. Mostly I feel sorry for Topaz for her ‘cuddlemance’ with Alec; a man so shallow that the only thing that’s made him cry in the house is the thought of Canada seeing his tiny, tiny penis. The only person who’s ‘soulless’ is him, and if he thinks faking romance endears him to the public, he must be as stupid as he is big-headed. I cannot WAIT to see ‘The Shield’ get their comeuppance; the only problem is, I’m scared it might not happen. And also, I barely like anyone left. In fact, apart from Topaz, the only one I have a soft spot for is Emmett. Obviously 12,000 times keener on Jillian than she is on him, I’m just waiting for the moment she leaves the knife hanging out of his back, giggling and smiling coquettishly as she does it.

So, back to Andrew, who I liked up until about a week ago. Now I see him as a huge floater; this East Coast/ West Coast BS exists purely in his own mind – like Marvin’s bolt-on alliance to the our Horsemen in BBUS – and either side will cut him as soon as look at him. I actually heard him say on the live feed, ‘I’m 38! He’s only 21.’ Can you imagine a 38-year-old playing this card? It’s like saying ‘I’m eight and three quarters.’ Tool! Ever since he shaved his sideburns off, he’s been dead to me. Worse than dead, because he evicted the actual entertainment. I would rather see the Talla win than this idiot, and she’s little better than a doorknob.

It’s funny because Talla didn’t bother me until a week or two ago, either; I think it’s because they’ve been giving her more airtime and her pathetic squealing, amateur dramatics and I’m-drunk-so-will-snog-a-girl antics are really starting to grate. No one can actually be like that, and I can’t be bothered with the fake. She’s pretty clever though, as she can just switch to whichever side has power now, and could easily float her way to the final. Peter tried to recruit her to The Shield whilst dressed as the Google incognito window dude, whilst Andrew tried to get her onto his boring, 38-year-old side. Peter did a pretty awful job of saying ‘I’ll look after you’ – even Talla didn’t look fooled. Still, playing the joker could pay off handsomely for her; it’s just a shame we have to witness it. Also; should Big Brother be letting people get so drunk on vodka they’re throwing their guts up all night and someone has to stay up with them? I’m far from uptight, but I’ve not seen someone that drunk on BB since Antony Hutton in THAT wetsuit (TV gold). People can and do choke on their own vomit in those situations, which would not be great PR for Slice, I’m sure. Also, she fell clothed into the hot tub, peed in it, and then admitted it. Once she watches this footage, this is a girl who will never drink again. Also, eww to Andrew’s comment ‘it wouldn’t be the first time a girl has peed on me.’ Bitch, please.

Which brings us onto ‘The Shield’ *does stupid X factor arms*. Surely Simon Cowell has trademarked that X Factor pose? Oh whatevs, I don’t think stupid shouty Peter and Frankenstein-hair Alec are exactly troubling his radar. I thought it was hilarious when we met Peter’s mother, who proudly said you could count the number of things Peter ate on one hand, which were BBQ potato chips, cheese pizza, French fries and chicken nuggets, adding, ‘he’s low maintenance.’ That’s not low maintenance, that’s an eating disorder. How does he stay so skinny on this amazing diet? I want to study him more at mealtimes; is he getting his own chicken nugget budget? I can’t exactly comment on people who have diets like a five-year-old, but it’s nothing to be proud of. So it was amusing when Arisa asked Peter if he was missing his family and he goes, ‘No. I only see them once a year.’ You’ve done a great job there, Peter’s mum! What does he have for Christmas dinner, cheese pizza with chicken nuggets on top? Oh, Peter. Marsha the Moose really was your finest hour, and that was about five weeks ago.

At the other end of the socially-disturbed spectrum, is Alec – aka tiny dick – who last week’s highlight was that he ‘spilt Pepsi on his pants.’ This guy is a sociopath. Topaz actually does have feelings for him, which was illustrated when she called Talla a ‘slut’ for getting into bed with him (innocently). She wasn’t angry at Talla, she was upset about Alec’s betrayal and being on the block. Not excusing her behaviour; she was wrong, but at least it was REAL. It was real emotion in the face of the crumblemance. He couldn’t give two shits.

By the way, what happened to Gary’s piñata veto ticket? That went the way of Billy’s hash he nicked from the post in Eastenders; never mentioned again. Poor Gary, denied his prize and sent to Jury with AJ. It’s a fate worse than death. It’s AJ-gatory.

The horror-themed veto was quite good (except for the outcome) – it looked genuinely gruesome and like they’d spent a few quid on it, and let’s face it, Alec already had the haircut. Finding disembodied limbs blindfolded in groo – you can’t beat it. I thought it was interesting Jillian mentioned she was a teacher – what age group does she teach, because I basically watched her shag someone on TV a while back. I don’t think you’d be going back to your teaching job after that on the UK version. I could tell Gary hadn’t won the veto by the fact they showed him kicking off at Talla at the start; that was a clip of a man with his balls to the wall. Still, it was disappointing to see Andrew win and see him get even smugger. Can you think of anything duller than an Andrew/ Talla/ Jillian final three? Jillian is a crafty one as she gives NOTHING away. I feel like I know zip about her. Except the fact she will stab Emmett in the back. She’s Lady Macbeth in waiting.

So onto Gary’s meltdown – overreaction much? Cooker-gate made his slop-strop look almost reasonable. She only asked him to turn the pan down! I think we all know it wasn’t about the cooker, but about Gary losing the veto. Even so; he should not have been that aggressive, and he was quite intimidating. In the BBUK house, you’d be taken aside and told to cool off for that behaviour – and rightly so.

A note on the editing: I didn’t like the way Thursday’s show was edited as if Gary or Topaz had already left and the focus was on who would win HOH next week. I do miss the flim-flam of BBUS and how they try and lead you up the garden path with who’s going. Everything feels like a done deal with BBCAN which ruins the suspense somewhat.

So in the end it was between my two faves, and Gary took the hit. He looked shocked but he must have known he was the bigger threat. I’m pretty sure Gary will have his own show sewn up in Canada, and I like to think of him as I saw him on the live feed the other day, going ‘My breakfast drink is vodka and coke, my lunchtime drink is a cosmopolitan, and my evening drink is…’ something I can’t remember, but the fact his ‘breakfast drink’ is vodka and coke is pretty special. Also, respect to Gary for using the word ‘naysayers’ in his exit interview. Also: the show dies here. *throws glitter on the coffin*

So we were left with them hanging off an iceberg: and boy, does Topaz need to hang on. Emmett was sitting down, I noticed, is that allowed? I don’t know who won HOH because I’m hiding from spoilers, but it’s got to be one of the girls with a task like that, as it takes a small body to win. Jillian has a great chance; but Topaz can do it. And if she really wants to stay in the house, she’ll have to. And wouldn’t it be lush to just see her take out Alec and his stupid haircut? Wouldn’t it just be… just?  

I’m really missing reading all the tweets, too, but I’m always about a week behind because of the hours my boyfriend works so I just can’t read them!  I wish I could be more interactive, but I just have to be a bit of a behind-the-times loser, instead. No change there, then. But thank you, Canada, for filling in the gap between BBUK and BBUS and also for the live feed. They’ve got a few things wrong, but they’ve done it in the name of drama, so you can’t fault them for that. Heeeeeeeeeeeey!

Big Brother Canada: Save Gary Glitter! (Launch and first eviction)

Hi there! Believe it or not, there's never been a Big Brother Canada but it began last night! So roll up, roll up for Chen-not, Fessie, and the Zingnot. OK so 'not' jokes is all I've got, but I'm getting over laryngitis, and worse, my boyfriend has got manyngitis.
This is starting really well.
From what I've heard it's going to be quite similar to Big Brother US, but hopefully not too similar. Will they have the same music, the stupid key thing, HOH? The same tired old tasks? I hope so!
The music is a bit synthy and the host is called Arisa Cox, which sounds like a prank call Bart Simpson does. She's more Sonia Kruger (BB Australia host) than Chenbot. It's shot all the same way. I wonder what generic stereotypes they'll have? This reminds me more of Big Brother Australia in a way - more cheery. The Have Not room looks alright and the house looks massive. The bedroom is like the BBUK bedroom. They are doing the key thing they do with the US one.
Warning; the following housemate synopsis compares them to both Uk and US housemates willy-nilly. If you haven't done your research, don't blame me. 
Peter = Ian from BBUS. He's from Surrey, haha. He hates everyone - people who eat noisily and people who stand on escalators.Can't argue with that.
Kat reminds me of Natalie from Jessie's year. Alec is like Dan Gheesling.
Aneal - a Big Brother blogger! With a bowtie. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he might be gay.
Danielle - 'big personality' = big boobs. Bubbly. Well, we know what that means. Has dimples.
Suzette: Kinga. She works in a women's shelter.
Talla. Possibly fancies girls.
Jillian - looks like Talla. That's a bit confusing. Says she looks like Sandra Bullock? Notsomuch.
Andrew (and Pete his twin?) Are they going to do an Audrina/twin twist? He is looking for a showmance. Yawn!
AJ - lives with his parents. He's like someone off The Apprentice pretending he's a big shot. I really hope someone's got their strategy drawn in crayon on a piece of paper like Keith.
There's a lot of people in their mid thirties. That's promising. They are getting through them pretty fast.
The host seems nice and quite animated compared to Chenbot.
Liza. Something to do with sunbeds. My boyfriend said she looks rough. That's not very nice.
Tom. Firefighter. Thicko. Doesn't like 'flamboyant people'. Cue flaming homo.
Gary. He's going to good, one way or the other! Gok Wan gone feral. Someone threw glitter at him when he came down the stairs. Gary is so not a gay name. He looks like a pineapple.
Emmett. Do they have rednecks in Canada? He has a gay twin. Twin twist? Emmett and Toma are going to team up in the straight alliance.
Topaz. A dentist. I like it when it black people have blue eyes, it flies in the face of genetics.
What are those teeny bags they've got? Have they got all their stuff in there? Are they Tardises? Tardi? Tardy?
A twist! Shocking. A phone in the house. Don't answer it! It's never good news. I love the gay guys hating on each other already. I like the sofa, too. It seems like they're sponsored by the Canadian Very.
Suzette is a cackletopus. She's like a barrel with lips. You shouldn't have answered that phone. Big Brother sounds stern! I don't think Suzette understands her secret mission. Oh no, she does, she's just doing a cover up job. Oh Christ, SHE'S Head of Household? Ugh. This isn't good news. It's not good news for her either - target! LOL she nominated the straight alliance. Haha. Tom looks MAD. 'Save the boys' - zzz. It was obvious she'd target the boys. It was quite a bold move nominating those two, though.
We're doing the veto already? Bloody hell. I want Tom out! OMG IS IT THE ELECTRIC SHOCK SUITS? Fuck me! It's like six Tinkywinkys. Fuck me, Suzette looks like Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oh it's not electric shocks. It's popping balloons with a spiky belt. WTF.
This is the sort of task where you see who's willing to smash the shit out of each other. They are humping balloons. That's reasonably low budget.
Oh fuck, can't believe Tom won it. Boooo! Look at the veto! It looks like some bad superhero necklace. Thumbs down.
Second episode! Arisa looks like an oven-ready Mel B.
Suzette's got a letter from home... how long's she been gone, about a week? I'd be pissed off with Gary shaking glitter everywhere. Glitter is a bastard to get off you. 'Gary Glitter' lol. Aneal is a sneaky one! Do they have Gary Glitter in Canada? Let's hope not for the sake of the children. For those not in the know, Gary Glitter is a Uk popstar turned paedophile. Someone once said you know you've slept with me because you end up in a pool of glitter. But that was about 15 years ago.
The memory wall looks tacky as hell. Kat is coming off as a cow, I've seen people overplay their hand in the first few days and it never works out well: keep your head DOWN!
LOL to Suzette calling Kat a bully and toxic. I knew she'd be up because you saw her sitting on stools with Emmett at the start. Who's more toxic, Kat or the glitter?
This Slice channel sounds good. Ice and a slice!
Emmett, I think it might be time to get into the campaigning thing. Handcuff task! I've never seen this task before... how original. I wonder if there'll ever be one unique idea on this show?
Tom reminds me of Cappy from BBUS. And that's not a good thing.
Alec and Topaz got together quick! Must be true love, right? I like both of them, actually.
So a hundred Canadian grand is 64 grand sterling. I suppose with the car and stuff it's the same as ours. That Tom guy is SUCH a homophobe. I can't stand him.
I'm fairly unimpressed with the eviction stools. Is that the best Brick could come up with? How about some eviction thrones? 'Cat ladies first?' Oh, no sorry, 'Kat, ladies first.'
Looks like it's a sheep vote for Kat. The overthrow of the 'Ox and Ram' alliance was the usual flim flam.
Liza broke off from the sheep vote. She could be up for the chop for that. Not good to break out of the pen so early! Best to join the lemmings. Ah... my boyfriend thinks she did it to it pin it on someone else.
Danielle is like Amy from Marcellas's year. Talla can't even say one sentence, bless her.
Alec's eyebrows are mesmerising. It's time to put the Kat out etc. The Kat that got creamed. I think I'm done with Kat jokes now.
A very Canadian HOH is coming up. I reckon it's something to do with bears, but my boyfriend thinks it's crawling through maple syrup. I realise this is a racist as going on about tea and the bloody Queen. 
I wonder if Suzette will ever win another Head of Household. I've seen one of these tasks before where they have to cling on to trees. Tree hungers. Are things about to get a little bit choppy? Sigh. At least it's endurance. I do like this show but it feels like a not-quite-as-good sequel to BBUS. It's so similar yet it all feels a bit 'own brand'.
Dan Gheesling is looking as greasy as usual. Aw, Dan. I think Arisa has said the word 'strategising' about 40 times this show. They must have interviewed him for all of three seconds. Evil genius AND master of the game? Oh, Dan. You'll always be Judas to me.