Big Brother 2013: I'd rather starve than eat your cooking

Hey! Oh the live feed Dexter was wearing a pork pie hat and describing himself as a 'PUA' (pick up artist). I think at least a few of them got their clothes back. Phew. I really thought they'd been shredded. Not. (Yes, i said not.)
Power animals. Talking to the birds. Shut up. I've warmed to Wolfy a bit though. She's nowhere NEAR as bad as Becky. I don't like Sophie. She's too much like Josie and she's not a strong enough character. I'll be open-minded, but at the moment I'm blah on her.
I thought Gina had turned over a new leaf when I saw her proudly washing up glasses, until I realised it was one glass, for herself. You go, girl! This girl is a piece of work. I honestly can't stand her. Another person I can't stand: Michael. Smug, remote, not real. I hate his ears as well. I hate his looks to camera. You're not Harry Hill. You're not even Alex Sibley.
I like Dan! He really reminds me of someone but I don't know who. He's sharp as well, you can tell he's a detective, because he's well onto Michael. I think he could easily win it. People should listen to Dan. He's not a detective for nothing.
Oh, I thought they were showing the nominations earlier, but it's just Michael slagging the others off. The housemates aren't stupid: actually. In fact, I actually like the housemates this year. I like watching them!
As if Michael would sit in the DR and slag EVERYONE off. It's bullshit. No one would do that, like go through every person in the house (well, except Topaz in BB Canada). Also, Michael can't act. 'An Oscar winning actor'. Please!
I think the Gina/ Jemima argument was a bit stupid; Jemima was just stating her preference. She wasn't being racist, in my opinion. Insensitive, maybe. I actually kind of like Jemima. I do think Gina was shit-stirring a bit. I think she saw an opportunity and took it. 'I feel like I've just experienced racism.' What has Jemima saying that got to do with you?
'You probably wouldn't go for a white guy' is a stupid thing for Jemima to say, though. Gina is SPOILING for a fight. I'd be furious if someone called me a racist.
Gina, if you're fighting with everyone, the problem is you, not everyone else. 'I'd rather starve than eat your cooking, it looks rubbish' was quite a funny line, though.
Everyone's faces when the two of them were going at it was funny. Fence sitters, look in the other direction!
Gina: 'is that a threat?' She's the sort of person who winds someone up and just watches them go.
Are they SERIOUSLY giving Jemima a warning for STATING HER SEXUAL PREFERENCE? You gotta be kidding me. 'Big Brother does not tolerate your opinion about who you want to sleep with. Sleep with EVERYONE. Be all inclusive.' Honestly. That is SOME JOKE. Conor is sitting somewhere, epilating his legs and cackling.
Uh oh, the mum can't keep a secret! PUNISH HER.
Live nominations time! ACTING! Why is three nominations, not two? Three is better, though.
Michael has nommed Gina, Dexter and Sallie, predictably. The three biggest characters in the house. LOL to Sallie calling him a dickhead.
Did Michael just tell Sallie to fuck off? Ha. Oh God, he's trying to squeeze a tear out, but he can't do it, just like Obama after Sandy Hook. Just dab your eyes a bit, it worked for him.
I really don't want Dexter and Sallie to go! I'd LOVE to see the back of the odious Gina. I knew the public couldn't be trusted with that decision. The public cannot be trusted with any vote!
Sallie is not helping herself by kicking off. Oh they actually mentioned the live feed at the end! Well done idiots! People might actually watch it now! No one even knows it's fucking on.
A word to the sponsors: I want the chairs that are in the BB house! I looked on Very and you can buy all the cushions and all this other shit, but not the couches! Boo. I think it's cos they're designer and not from Very.
Ooh, btw, I will be blogging and podcasting tomorrow (I hope!) but it will be late as we're going to the cinema! I know, cultured! We aint going to see Superman or any of that shit either! I'm going to lament over Ethan Hawke's gradually crumbling looks and imaginary romance with Julie Delpy. Sw.

Big Brother 2013: Just shut up

Incidentals: I have hair envy at the woman on the Super Casino advert. Iain Lee was pretty good on BOTS. Rylan's show was quite good also today; more Little Brother than BOTS.
Gina should stop putting make up on because it looks like a mask. No person under 30 needs to wear foundation, in my opinion. I don't know how old she is, but it makes her look old. Her hair is ridiculous too. Mind you, there's a lot of bad, ratty hair in that house (Sallie). All I ever see of Gina is her sitting in the bed, stony-faced, not speaking to anyone.
I love Wolfy laughing at Gina and Sallie pointlessly rowing in the morning. It all seems so staged. I just don't buy any of it. I think I like Dan, they gay cop. He seems like a calming influence.
I like Wolfy and Sallie's friendship. Sallie actually seems to get along with a lot of people in that house. I like Sallie in a lot of ways. She's a rough diamond! Don't get me wrong, she's a tosser as well, but you can't accuse her of being one-dimensional. Mum, whatever your name is, Sallie is not picking on Gina.
Why is Jemina saying what 'attached girls' should wear? I didn't realise there was a separate dress code for single and attached girls! Can I see what's on the list of what I can wear? What a dick. I used to go out in my nightie all the time. Women should NOT BE DICTATING WHAT OTHER WOMEN WEAR. It makes me furious.
Gina is 24!!!! Fucking hell. It's a hard life being a lady of leisure, isn't it? She looks late thirties. Just goes to show what being a sourpuss can do to your face.Typing in your pin number is very ageing.
Sam gives me the creeps. Can we say 'inappropriate'?
Unidentified twin suggesting there's tramps near where Gina lives and suggesting she goes to Kings Cross station to Burger King! Ha.
Callum speaks! It does feel like they've put him in as the anti-Conor, doesn't it? He's like the opposite of an alpha male.
Gina is gross calling Sallie 'trash and garbage.' What makes you worth anything? A few of mummy and daddy's notes in your back pocket? She's just rotten.
Mole talk! Michael is getting on my wick so bad. I just can't be bothered with his bullshit! I'd rather we had another regular housemate. When he talks on the live feed I can't be bothered to listen, because I don't know what's real and what's not. He was talking about his sister earlier. Does he even have a sister? Why should I care about his made up stories?
I saw Sallie being tempted by these stupid sweets on the live feed and it was so obvious that she was going to eat them. If you put a button in there and a sign up saying 'don't push the button' she would push the button, it's just in her nature. She reminds me of Rebeckah from a couple of years back, but she's a bit nicer.
They're obviously not convinced their clothes have been shredded, as they keep going on about getting them  back. I want to see their clothes! I want to see Sallie's Suicide-Girls-by-Primark range and Dexter's other blingy pimp shoes. It's boring seeing them slob round in Michael's hoodies.
I saw a bit of this task on live feed too, it was alright but nothing thrilling.
Fucking hell, man, Dexter is worse than Grant Bovey for going on about money. I like Sallie and Gina having sly digs at each other during this task. Has Gina got anything about her other than money? She's got a rock where her heart should be. Twin: 'she could be a man.'
They should have picked 'I don't like fat people' for Michael's secret! It would have been funnier. Michael is 'not in there to make friends'. Even if he warms to people, he won't actually LIKE them. Oh, no, he's just acting! It's just a job. He's only following orders. Knob.
The misery twins moaning again. They're hungry, bored, tired, paranoid, waiting to be evicted. They make the outsiders from last year look like Tom and Alex doing the Macerena.
Ad break. Unorthodox Jukebox, lol. Well done, Bruno. Top marks for douchy album titles.
Even I'm shocked that Wolfy's rent is £260 a month! Where does she live?! Gina so shocked that anyone can be poor and happy. Wolfy seems a lot happier than you, Gina. I kind of feel sorry for super rich people because they're so scared of being poor; it terrifies them. When you have nothing, there's nothing to lose. Gina, Wolfy doesn't want to go shopping with you. Nothing will fit her in Chanel. She's happy with who she is, you should try it.
Sallie and Jemina: joined together by a hatred of Gina. A common enemy to bond against.
Daughter describing Michael as Mr Tumnus. Snigger. I don't buy Gina's tears for poor little Wolfy. Damage control!
No BOTS? 
Sorry I've not done a podcast, by the way, if you listen to it, my boyfriend has been working, so it's a bit sucky. We're going to try and do one late Tuesday night, but we're moving house on Wednesday so we'll see how that pans out. We'll be back to being more regular soon, I hope!

Big Brother 2013: 'Are they your own eyes?'

Hello! Here's hoping for a recap under five minutes tonight. I haven't seen the live feed today because I was watching The Voice, although in retrospect, I'd have been better off with this lot of pretentious, self-obsessed show offs instead.
OMG! Gina hit Sallie. I mean, it wasn't much of a hit, but it was contact. I wouldn't like that in there. I don't like people touching me full stop, let alone with aggression. How can they be arguing so soon?! That was the same night Gina went in, right? Seriously, how can anyone wind you up that quickly?!
Wolfy in the shower! Sallie's backhanded compliment to Sophie who was worried about going in the shower: 'Doesn't matter what you look like, babe.' She looks just fine!
Jemina and Barry Styles is the most cringeworthy 'showmance' ever. I can't even look at them, it makes me heave.
Oh, Michael, don't talk to camera, you're hammy enough as it is.
Jemima's job website sounds classy. I think the crux of that conversation is, she's a hairdresser.
Fire in the kitchen! Health and safety. Call Mario. Tweedledum and Tweedledee need feeding. Do these two ever stop moaning? Oh, now they want peace and quiet. They're obsessed with how they're being perceived. The worst type of housemate is a self-conscious misery guts. You'll regret carping your way though the weeks when you get out, but not as much as I'll resent having to watch you. 
Ha, Sophie doesn't like Sallie. Not surprising. It would be like befriending a venus flytrap.
New housemates are in (again) now. They seem to be keeping the recap reasonably snappy. I think things are definitely better on the production side this year (except BOTS). Not much of a task when we decided not to shred the new housemates cases. Barely worth the recap, really. ACTING, Michael!
Sallie's quite sharp really, telling them to move away from the couch or Michael would know they'd been watching them. Having someone's mum in there is a bit of a downer, if you ask me. I'd evict her asap.
Dexter's Tuco shoes crack me up. PIMP DADDY.
OMG Gina is sooooo rude. I love the fact no one was replying to her. What a spoilt bitch. You know where the door is. Well, there's a lot of doors, but if you get someone to assist you, you can probably locate the one marked 'exit'.
Tonight's best chat up line: 'are they your own eyes?' Oh, Dexter. I soooo don't want him to get evicted. I think he's the most interesting housemate; him and Sallie, just for the egos. LOL Dexter has a 'hall pass from his girlfriend.' THAT'S now the best chat up line of the night. I don't like Michael making fun of him, though. It's too easy! I don't like Michael's personality. I know he's acting, but he reminds me of that snarky dude off Conspiracy Road Trip. 
Sallie to Hazel: 'have you been out with anyone famous'? Let's get down to business, hey?
Oh God, Gina is unbearable. She can't be 4 real. No one could be that stuck up. I think she could be the biggest cunt of all time on Big Brother. How is that humanly possible - just think about some of the contenders for a minute!
Sam: 'you came down with your fucking tits'. OMG the way he speaks to women! He has NO MANNERS. Someone needs to get him in line before he gets a slap in the face or thrown out. 
Why would people think you're stuck up, Gina?! You seem so down to earth!
Where's the camera on this fight?! Where's the decent camera angles? How did it even start? Editing!
'Your cheap Primark shoes!' LOL. Do these two know each other or not? Why would there be that much beef on the first night? I don't get it. I feel like we're missing a piece of the puzzle. Why is Gina calling Sallie a tart? She didn't even see the launch night sideboob?
At least this means Gina will be evicted on Friday and not Dexter. You weren't 'shoved into a house' - you signed up! 'Lots of weirdos' it's BIG BROTHER. 13 years of it, we've had, where have you BEEN?! Honestly. Look, seriously, I'll help you find the door. Just fuck off.
Pretty good for a third show, no? Normally at this point I'm still working out names!

Big Brother 2013: Launch Night: 'I'm London's most notorious sugar daddy'

Hiya! So I just watched two hours of live feed. Quite good actually, comforting, like an old pair of slippers. I didn't learn a great deal, except the twins have expressions like they've just been told their family have been in a car wreck, and Sam likes girls on bikes with baskets on the front. Still, it's more than I would have known without those crumbs. Mmm, crumbs! Nom nom nom. Honestly, the twins are doing a thousand yard stare and gnawing on their nails. I don't know what's up with them but they have the faces of men off to the gallows.
So, onto tonight. I'm wondering if Michael is going to get Stockholm syndrome and start falling for his housemates? It would be good to see him go on some sort of emotional 'journey' (Dermot™). Are they really calling him 'the people's puppet'? That's so lame.The people's muppet more like. Puppet. Poppets. It's just too much.
I like those round orange chairs, I want one of those. LOL Dexter will buy everyone new stuff (of his choosing). He will buy everyone's friendship with 'male Louboutins'.Dexter: 'I'm London's most notorious sugar daddy. The press hate me.' The press wrote one story about you! No one knows who you are. Stop being a dick. No, don't actually. Be an enormous dick. It's entertaining.
Wolfy is getting on my wick, too. Sam is flirting with Jemima! 'You make my winky expand' is not much of a chat up line. Sam talks just like Glyn. I wonder if he knows how to cook an egg? All will be revealed.
Dexter: 'people shouldn't discriminate against me.' Why, because you're a knob? One thing you can't buy is respect. Unless you're a gangster.
LOL to Sallie going in the DR and slagging off Jemima and Callum already! 'Dexter's a cock.' Ha!
Ha to Dexter trying to sprawl in the Diary Room chair like an insouciant Jeremy Kyle guest. Dexter: you should be grateful Sallie knows about you AT ALL! I can't believe he's arguing with Sallie on the first night. Bad strategy! Weak gameplay.
Good to see Michael as himself. 'ACTING.' You should try it. Oh God, they're not going to make him a real housemate, are they? That would be rubbish.
Jemima is drunk. Barry Styles is picking his nose. Are these two gonna get off? Groo. OMG she tried to kiss him and he backed off. That is SAD. I wouldn't touch a 23 year old with a barge pole. Desperate!
I like the furry purple bench. I can't believe everyone's bitching so much already. I find that uniquely British.
Why is Sallie bothered if Sam gets off with Jemima? It's none of her business! Dexter, the onesie look isn't for you. Thought you were going to have a light then fuck off? Sallie is chief shit stirrer.
New housemates! Oh, a black person. Well done, Big Brother! Gina has an allowance of 10K a month and can't survive on it. Oh dear. Gina, meet Dexter. Rich people are so boring! Bragging about labels and stuff. It really is dull. People shouting 'off' at her, I wondered where all the animals in the crowd were. Maybe they kept them there since last night.
Sallie is going to be thrilled to be knocked off top dog perch. Watch your back, Gina! I think Gina can handle herself, though.
I almost thought Dan was good looking then, then I heard he was a police officer, then I saw his hairline. He's a gay dad. He's got it all going on. All bases covered. It looks like Dan's had a mid season buzzcut already, and that's his going in hair. How does that work?
Not another glamour girl! God. Sallie's head will explode. I thought we were getting smart older housemates this year? This a cookie cutter type housemate. She's like brunette Barbie. Callum's eyes just fell out of his head.
Last night's housemates already look jaded in yesterday's clothes, ha. How quickly you become old news.
Next up is Daley, a part time boxer. He looks quite attractive, but I don't like sporty types. The girls will be after him, no doubt. I don't think you can be crazy AND normal as he professed. They are the opposite of each other. I could see him winning it. He's 'going with the flow'. I hope that flow isn't leading down the rapids. 'Not religious but spiritual'. Oh, fuck off.
Now it's getting interesting though, wondering how all these personalities will mix together.
OK, last housemate. Oh, a mother and daughter! As one housemate. That's weird. Posh. Annoying. I'm not sure how I feel about mothers and daughters in there. Wasn't the last mother and daughter in there Jade and her mum? That didn't end well. That Beyonce song makes me want to punch my own face in. OH, they're not one housemate, they're two! Why? Why can't the twins be individual as well? I don't get it.
Sallie must be upset that everyone coming in today missed her sideboob last night. Sallie's like a Jasmine character a bit, like a tragic child who just needs counselling and instead gets tattoos and has a massive attitude.
Oh God, time for Michael to overact again. So will he shred housemates suitcases for a pizza? Shredder. Pizzas. It's like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What, WE voted to not shred the new hms suitcases? I didn't vote for that!
So they're telling them that Michael is immune and he chooses the first three up for eviction. So is that true? I guess WE choose, right? I don't think I trust US to choose!
LOL to Emma nearly saying 'Channel 4'. Whoops! All in all, lots of fun. Except I had no wine and I watched it alone, surrounded by cardboard boxes. But that's not Endemol's fault. Is it?

Big Brother 2013: Secrets and Lies

What series is it? I never have a clue. For the amount of different Big Brothers' I watch, my knowledge of the finer details are quite poor. Anyway, this is the first UK series that Emma Willis is presenting, something which is upsetting my boyfriend, an avid Brian Dowling fan. I personally think Emma will do a decent job and I quite like her.
On the face of it, things could be good this time round. There's a new producer, quite a radically different house, live feed (two hours, but you know, it's better than a smack in the face). Rylan also said on The Wright Stuff that the contestants were going to be older, which probably means there are two or three oldies. There's a psych show. All pointing towards a good show, right? So why is this 'launch night split over two shows' making me twitch? I've got a funny feeling it's going to be boys and girls in two different houses like on the Australian show, which we know didn't work from Ziggy's year. I don't like first night twists, I just want to see them interact, but I know that ship has long sailed. Waa waa waa, back in the day. I know. I'm old.
Sponsored by Super Casino! The class goes up and up. 
Here we go! Emma looks good. I like her dress and shoes. Her arms look muscly! And she's a fan of the show. She is a bit 'only following orders' but that's OK.
The house looks cool! Look at the doors. It looks like they've spent a few quid on it for once. It's quirky, like a Teletubbies house. The house looks massive! I like the furnishings! I don't like the Diary Room chair, though. It doesn't look comfy. Nice to see round the house though (briefly). 
First in are Jack and Joe (Jedward after too many carveries). They don't look 18. They look about 40. What's with those jumpers? Are they one housemate or two? I hate these joint housemates. They are individuals even if they're twins. They laugh like a pair of hyenas.
Next up is Sallie, a firebreathing glamour model. She's got loads of tattoos so that's a bit different from the usual glamour girls. She's more Jodie Marsh than Jordan. Likes beanie hats. Why? DAPPY. OMG look at her outfit! I think she forgot to put her top on. I'd be nervous about hugging her! You'd get done for sexual assault. I'm surprised she didn't get booed more for being so comfortable with herself. I think she might be alright. At least interesting.
Jemima runs a golddiggers website. She looks ropey. Her highlights wouldn't be out of place on a Judge Judy guest. An SJP lookalike! That's nothing to boast about. She could be entertaining, though.
They're drinking out of jam jars. They're taking this eco thing seriously.
Michael is 'a little bit crazy'. He described himself as 'a little bit cute.' I beg to differ. He looks like a frog. Says he has a gameplan. Unless I see it drawn in crayon I'm not interested.
OMG Michael is a MOLE! A real mole! Cool. We've been waiting for that one for a while. I wouldn't like him to stay the whole time though. What if he wins it?
I like the tree house and the garden. WHERE'S THE CHICKENS? Bring back Marjorie! Definitely showing my age now.
Callum is 'laid back with a sharp edge.' Like a razor on the side of the bathtub. He didn't get a Twitter quote come up so I can only presume he's too stupid to use Twitter. This is my idea of hell in a man. Right there. He's a great interviewee! Emma looked at him like 'you freak.' He reminds me of Conor. He reminds me of someone else too, but I can't place it. Callum's favourite 'artist' of all time is Will Smith. What?
Wolfy is up next. Peter Kaye in lesbian form. She's a hippy. She's barefoot and crying. Oh dear. She used the word 'birds' to describe women. Ugh. Do lesbians really do that? If so, we've got no hope as women. Oh no, apparently she meant actual birds. Sorry, Wolfy. She doesn't drink. Always suspicious. She reminds me of Becky from last year, and that's NOOOOOOO good thing. 'Come on, you bastards' was her high point. 
Sam. A Welsh Harry Styles. I can't understand what he's saying! Give him some subtitles FFS. Is he deaf? Oops. 'You make my winky expand'. Ugh! 23, he looks about 12. HE'S NOT EVEN CUTE. Oh shit, he really is deaf. Apologies. He still needs subtitles, though.
Sophie: 'people fink that I'm fick.' I wonder why? 'But I'm quite clever actually.' We'll see. She's dressed like a mermaid. Her voice is enough to make you want to punch yourself in the face. Two people within the space of two minutes have described her as gorgeous now. If you say so. I'm so over thick people on BB.
Ad break. Neighbours: the eclipse. That sounds good, ha.
Yeah Dexter looks good, Kenneth Tong the return! Spent £121K in a bar. 28?! He looks about five. He's gonna be an ALMIGHTY douche. He's going to be a great housemate. When he told Emma he had a 'kind heart' I was disappointed. He's got his Butlins coat on! Did he say 'is that legal?' to Sallie's outfit?
How did Michael know where the DR was? PLANT! So does he act in the Diary Room, too? Maybe he's not even Irish. Get him to say 'three' then we'll figure it out.
ACTING! It would be hard to act all the time. As he's finding already. LOL someone just called him a cunt. NO ONE would go in there on the first night and shred all the other housemates clothes: no one. You'd be out on your ear in ten seconds. This 'twist' could fall apart any second.
I hate people who say 'borrowed you' when they mean LEANT, Sallie. It's LEANT, Sallie. Or is it lent?It's underling leant. Either way, it's not 'borrowed you'. EITHER WAY.
Fucking hell man, we could have got a warning for 'My face is eating me alive.' C5 has so turned into C4. They've nicked all their best shows.
It's bollocks that they're shredding all their clothes. It's just empty suitcases. Dexter looks like Rodrigo from a distance. A long distance, as Rodrigo is cute. Let's throw Callum in the shredder to check it's working. There's no WAY their clothes are in there. What if people have got contact lenses and stuff like that? I wouldn't cuddle Michael, I'd be fuming! I'd be wearing his clothes for the rest of the season. Even if they didn't fit.
In a way I think it's good splitting the launch show as sometimes it can be tedious. I wonder if there'll be another mole tomorrow? The only reason I'm pissy about it is because my boyfriend is working tomorrow so we can't watch it together, I know, heartbreaking, get your tiny violin out.
Right we're gonna do a podcast. I did enjoy it, you know! I like Emma! There will be blood. Ooh I just saw 5 mins of BOTS. I didn't expect AJ to speak like that, like Tess Daly. Rylan looks like he's struggling to keep his teeth in, bless him. I miss Jamie East! I never thought you'd hear me say that.