Tuesday 17 June 2014

Big Brother 2014: Vomit cry wank

This nomination process this week is dragging on longer than the single releases off Morrissey's new album. Just give us the fucking album, not these dribs and drabs.
Oh no, it's just more speculation about the power housemate. Let this end. Matthew talking sense in the Diary Room. I want him to be the power housemate soon. I do like this power housemate twist but it's just going on too long. Five nominations! It's senseless.
Pauline is going on about chicken AGAIN. FFS. Ooh, Helen is getting a warning for bullying Jale. Good. I'm tired of looking at this hatchet-faced piece of shit. Take her pass to the final off her and give it to Jale. I don't even like Jale particularly, but I'd just like to see Helen's hard face crumble.
Winston is so incorrigibly gormless. I'm surprised he can understand a secret mission. Why is Winston making up a story about girls peeing on him and telling it to Danielle, of all people! Marlon: 'Did you do her afterwards?' Marlon is like a 12 year old boy. He seems women as an entirely different species. I hate him.
LOL to Winston's story to Jale about having a vomit cry wank. He did it quite straight faced. Apparently that's 'entirely normal' according to Jale. What the fuck?!
No offence (ha) but look at the state of Danielle. It's like she's trying to look as unappealing as possible, like she's modelling the Benefits Street collection. She's an UNDERWEAR model. Her body is her business. Put a fucking bit of mascara on! I don't get of bed looking that dishevelled, and I'm an absolute slob. I don't get it. Something is off with her. Maybe the model is her promiscuous twin sister? We're overdue a twin twist.
Too many targets in this house, and it's making it WAY too obvious Chris is the power housemate.
Steven is like a doomsday prepper going on endlessly about conspiracies, he's really getting on my nerves.
Why is everyone so OLD looking in this house? How can Steven be in his early 20s and Chris be 33? Chris is younger than me! He looks like a middle aged man.
LOL to Steven going on about his great vocabulary and then not knowing what verbose means. What a douche cake.
Marlon woke up from his nap to a nomination. Good - sexist knob. I am intrigued every time Matthew is on screen. I want to see lots more of his little robin red breast limbs.
LOL to Chris's gameplan falling to pieces as someone yells over the wall that 'Chris has got the power'. It was lucky that Christopher and Jale were out there although I'm not sure they won't say anything. Poor Chris, he's already under so much pressure, the poor sod. Aw, was sad when he said he was frightened.
Steven is always instigating when the mean kids are bitching; he's the new wooden spoon. I don't even know what Christopher and Toya are arguing about. It's boring, though.
That advert where the guy pours a glass of cider over himself is actually getting embarrassing now. Could they only afford the one take?!
Why is Jale being such a dick to Chris? 'I'm not a liar, I'm not a grass.' Well you have to be one or the other. Stop lording it with the one crumb of power you've had in two weeks.
Oh God, Steven is drunk and pulling out some smooth moves. Oh no, he's gone a bit weird and passive aggressive. Steven's agenda is to get in your pants, Kimberly. Ha, I like her saying 'spell it out' and then laughing at him when he DID spell it out. 'Physically, mentally, emotionally.' This is pure David Brent. is she cracking?!
OK so Jale is spilling the beans. Didn't take too long. OK, this has sealed it for me now, I don't like Jale, I just felt sorry for her, this is confirmed. So how did you go from promising not to tell anyone to telling everyone? You've just proved you can't be trusted. Meanwhile, Danielle is swilling round in the bath like a mangy dog on wash day crossed with that thing out of The Ring.
And I realise: I only like Chris and Matthew. 

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