The X Factor: These are the things I could do without

Soz I didn't blog The Apprentice this week, I was a bit ill. Thought it was a bit duff anyway- the tasks are less imaginative than Big Brother.
Hopefully this blog won't disappear into cyberspace like X Factor blogs past.
My boyfriend has skulked off to bed because he doesn't want to watch it. I predict he'll be back within 20 mins. Time starts now.
I declare all songs tonight should have a Harry Hill style ending. Coffee and TV!
Paije on first. Oh Paige. Why are you still there when Diva Fever and Nicolo aren't? Damn that wild card. Having said that, this is the best song Paije has done. Having said THAT, that's not saying much. He looks like he picked up his outfit at the local jumble sale. He's spent two quid, but it was 50p to get in.
Oh yeah, his nan died, didn't she? Can I get a sympathy vote?
Oh, now John. Great they're getting all the exciting acts out the way first. His hair looks cool, but lawks, the dry ice? That jacket is rough, too. This song blows.
Ey up, what are those dancers doing? Oh my boyfriend just emerged. He's not happy! Clearly not a John fan. I don't think he's missed enough to truly enjoy the rest.
Louis is such a hateful little cunt, isn't he? Horrible little man. Mind you, Cheryl and Dannii are both cold, too. It's just an all-round arsefest. At least Cheryl looks good. I like the sugar pink.
Is Rebecca wearing a Cheryl wig? That dress is peculiar, like she's got a ledge in it. Red hair, red lips, pink dress, it's all a bit much. I'd lose the lipstick at least. What is this song? I wish people would do some songs I know.
Boyfriend is sulking. He just said, 'is it drudgery week?'
Ooh, Simon taking a pop at Elton John. Put your handbags down, ladies.
My boyfriend's verdict on Cher: 'she looks like a cunt.' I think she looks like Tina from Corrie, but with massive eyes. Like a bug version.
Danni's looks like she's come as Dr. Foster from Lie to Me tonight. I'm rather obsessed with Lie to Me right now. It's the new Medium.
I wish Cher was doing Then Jerico instead of Tears for Fears. Is it another mash up? Is she in fancy dress? I think the make-up artist has got a bit excited tonight, like they've been given access to some colours they've never seen before. As usual Cher's a din, but it's a lot more interesting than Paije or John.
Matt. The man. The hat. The legend. Card-ell, Dermot? Card-AL. It's like Paul Burrell all over again. Britney! Don't do a Darius, dude. Oh no, Darius actually made this fun and exciting. This is just 98% dirge. Ah, Darius. Darius Danesh. Darius Campbell. Either way, he's a dreamboat. Matt is not. I think Simon's idea of 'incredible' and 'genius' are different to mine; ie. mental.
OMG Dermot just dissed Darius. FU Dermot.
Boyfriend thinks this band is called 'One true direction'. Nearly. He's cheered up a bit now. I think he's looking forward to Wagner, and he's trying to guess what Aiden might sing. This means he's into it.
One Direction are like the Slick man, they always deliver. What song is this?! I do fancy one of them, the one with the long eyelashes and the black hair. Don't tell anyone. Urgh that foetus one just winked.
Louis: 'it's like five Justin Beiber's'. Don't have nightmares!
They've mentioned Topshop about 12 million times tonight. TOPSHOP. Send me a cardie.
Treyc. I don't think anyone was screaming for her at Topshop. Well, unless she left a tag on something.
Why have they done her up like Brandon Flowers? This song is awful. She's murdering it. Do you think that guitar's plugged in?
I wish they'd STFU about Elton. He's NOT WATCHING. He's ordering David Furnish around his gigantic mansion.
You can't just 'become' a rock chick, Cheryl. It's not like Courtney Love was a choir girl and then stuck on some red lipstick and started growling.
Mary's out of ideas already. Zzzz. She should do Common People. 'I took her to the supermarket..' I'd like to see her in the bottom three tomorrow, give her a jolt.
Aiden. Oh, Aiden. Is he doing Diamonds are Forever? I only know that because I've got the Arctic Monkeys doing it at Glastonbury on my Itunes.
I like it when he goes all trembly and cross-eyed. His hair looks fucking cool. Move over R-Pattz, there's a new kid in town.
Louis likes Shirley Bassey. In other news, Simon's hair is flat.
You could tell Aiden didn't agree with what Cheryl said. Don't invoke the name of Kanye, Chezza. He's no role model.
Ooh, Dannii did nick the idea from the Arctic Monkeys. At least she admitted it.
I like this song than Belle Amie are doing. I thought their voices sounded quite good, actually. I like their blue mascara, too. Dannii is slagging their styling, but she's wearing the same thing.
Dermot clearly hates Louis! I love it.
Oh my fucking GOD LOUIS HIS NAME IS PRONOUNCED VAGNER, NOT WAGNER. And he says Simon doesn't care about his acts. If I was Wagner, I'd just call Louis Lewis from now on until he gets it.
I was singing Spice Up Your Life in the bath the other day. It is in the top five Spice Girl songs, I'd say. He's completely out of time as usual. Medley! He's shaking! Living la vida loca is obviously a tune as well. it wasn't exactly seamlessly blended in.
Wagner looks under pressure. I think I could sing better than this. Wagner hates the Spice Girls! He is Louis's puppet.
It said in Heat that Katie had her own American reality series! Sweet. I hate the Jungle Book. My boyfriend just said: 'I feel isolated from society at times like this.' Oh, I thought we'd progressed!
Do you think it would be humanly possible to get a comb through Katie's hair? I say no. I don't get the 50s jungle book thing. Her and Wagner in the bottom two, I reckon. Wow, I can't believe she's getting such good comments. The only way that would have worked is to have gone all drum n bass in the middle.
It's OVER. Now what? I'm not allowed to watch Xtra Factor. Gonna get locked back in my cupboard without any dins. If I'm not out by tomorrow, send food parcels.