Celebrity Big Brother - Rejection is one thing...

Still can't believe the girlband lost that task. But can believe even less we're still on this fucking task. Get a new idea already.
What's with the band getting to share their cooked breakfast with the 'have nots'. Surely that defeats the object. Where are the BOUNDARIES! Get the rulebook out, for Christ's sake.
Talking of Christ, why has Paddy got such a dislike for Amy? What about the appalling way Lucien treated Kerry? Paddy is quite sexist. I suppose I have to just eat it up and go 'well, it's his culture.' Fuck that.
Jedward have only got a couple of thousand hardcore fans? I thought they'd have a few more than that. Mind you, depends what hardcore means, I suppose. Jedward's number one fan must be pleased she got a mention. Darryn looked jealous, I think he's got a taste for the boyband life.
It looks kind of fun sleeping in the garden. I think they're having more fun than the indoor peeps.
I didn't like the way Paddy was talking about his wife, either.
Edward: 'I'm wondering what John is thinking?' Aw that's cute. He doesn't like having to think about other people's feelings. Yeah, weird other people! Sod them! That was the sweetest thing ever. So he uses John as a barrier. Is he the weaker twin? I wish I had a bit longer to find out now they're actually giving them their own edit. I like Edward best now! John must be the cocky one, or maybe it's just this task making him seem that way. Are we going to see all those autographs on ebay now? They're just flogging their CD again, aren't they?
Amy has made Edward look like Patrick Wolf after a bender. Hope he throws a mic stand at Darryn next.
Amy just realised she's an adult at 23. Sad, isn't it?
Can you imagine all this misogynistic banter uncut on live feed? I bet it's a shocker to listen to. Bobby, why are you still there? You're like plankton, but with a bit of a personality problem, like Plankton in Spongebob Squarepants, then.
They never used to give them spirits to drink in Big Brother. Irresponsible C5. Lucien giving Amy the brush off whilst trying to get a straw into his hateful gob. LOL at her 'don't worry, I'll be drunk in a minute'. Best mates? Ouch.
Lucien looked proper miffed. Rejection is one thing, but rejection from a fool is cruel. It's got to hurt his precious little ego. The little shit was proper seething when Bobby said he was only 19. You could tell Kerry recognised the signs off 'angry little man about to pop' as she looked wary.
If Jedward did that shit with the M&Ms there'd be hell to pay!
Was nice when Paddy was saying he could let his guard down in the BB house. I think my guard would be right up on TV, personally. Was cute that he was happy people were shouting his name. I'm really torn on him, because I think he is a decent bloke, but I just don't agree with a lot of his views. A leopard can't change it's colours. Unless you paint it.
Lucien: 'you've made me feel like a muppet'. Is it that gross jumper you're wearing? I like the way Amy just ignored him. Why shouldn't Amy flirt with him? Lucien flirts with Kerry non-stop. SUCH double standards. Breathtaking levels of double standards.
Lucien's got his Big Brother brain on (t.m. the Irrepressible Dark Horse). It's so rich him having a go at Amy for leading him on when he's been doing nothing but lead people on in that house. Kerry just buried her feelings, he wants to hang his dirty laundry all over the Big Brother garden. Well, that's his choice. Be a man about it! (There, that's sexist)
At the same time, Amy is manipulative. She knows full well what she's doing. But they're both as bad as each other. Amy says they're being watched by 8 million people. Who's going to tell her?
Lucien fancies Amy because people 'put things in his head'. No. he just thinks he's SUPPOSED to fancy her. I don't think he even fancied her!
Bobby castigating Amy for mixed signals. WHAT ABOUT LUCIEN'S MIXED SIGNALS? Oh, but he's 19, he's a player. HE'S A MAN.
Lucien, Disneyland Paris is better than Disneyland Florida. I've been to both.
Is Amy going to sleep with false eyelashes on? Prick tease! *irony*
You know, sometimes someone gets off with someone and then realises they don't fancy them. That's life. Maybe he's a really shit kisser. Maybe he's got really bad breath? Or (more likely) maybe she just wants some orange Neanderthal man. I'm sure Alex Ried will be available in six months or so. Can we all move on now?

Celebrity Big Brother - Blowjob jaw

Amy being talked about as if she's a piece of meat, as usual. Kerry chatting about her boring mother, as usual. Paddy mumbling incoherently as usual. What you gonna do about it hard man? Come round and bore me to death? Ah, then he just said 'oh mammy' and it made me laugh. Forgiven!
Amy spends three hours getting ready? Why does she look such a dog's dinner, then? God, can there be anything sadder than women subjugating themselves like this? Don't get me wrong, I wear make up. I spend approximately 3 minutes putting it on. I spend about five seconds combing my hair. I don't get what all the rollers are about. Her hair is straight!
Oh God, and she wants a baby as well. What has she got to pass onto a baby? No, really, what wisdom has she got to impart? Why do stupid people always want babies? It can't be good for humanity. She IS a bug. I once watched a TV show called 'Help, I'm no bigger than a bug'. It was quite disappointing.
Jedward seem a bit lost without Tara. They look like they've got lipstick on today. I want to read some Jedward slash fiction. No, it's not slash fiction, is it? What's the porno one called? Oh my God, what am I saying? Look what you've driven me to!
God, not more of this tragic task. Haven't we suffered enough? John/ Jedward drool. You'd probably get a few quid for that if you sold it on ebay. I can't believe he can keep still for that long. Lucien looks like a serene mermaid. Now this is endurance!
I just searched for topless pictures of Jedward. Found some quite good ones. Now, appropriately enough, John has got blowjob jaw. No one wants that.
Kerry Katona: 'really famous in Asia'. Well, so are Shampoo, so it doesn't mean much. I wonder what Shampoo look like now. I bet they're still pretty cool.
All this shrieking in the groupie bit is getting on my nerves. It feels like nothing happened tonight. It feels like the course has been run.
OMG Sam Pepper and Shabby on BOTS. Fetch my 'bad attitude' spray. Now, go to your room.

Celebrity Big Brother - Nomance

I am really shocked that they are going on about Lucien and Amy in front of Kerry. I thought Amy would be too embarrassed. Kerry is well within her rights to be annoyed, I think. Lucien is a total PLAYA. I think he has behaved disgustingly. And you can say he's a free agent or whatever, but it's HIM who created that situation and trampled on people's feelings, and I don't like that.
Bobby on Amy and Lucien: WTF does 'you properly popped in' mean? Honestly, the way they go on about women is gross. So did they snog or what?!
Did I just hear Jedward slag someone off?! Shock. I want to see them show their teeth a bit. Am I going to have to hear about this Amycien shit all day. Kerry's fake humour over the whole situation is so transparent. I wouldn't even pretend to be OK with it.
It's nice seeing Jedward separated. I fee like Big Brother has done us a disservice this year by not letting us get to know them individually. I feel quite embarrassed that I still can't tell them apart.
Is Darryn short? He seems to have short man syndrome. Talk about a frustrated z-lister. This highlights episode has been quite duff so far.
It's not hard to learn the lyrics to one Take That song. I liked John's body popping. Darryn's cod piece looked quite... empty.
I wish I could just see them sitting round having a chat. So tired of having these tasks foisted upon me like some unwanted STD.
The girl band was a lot better than the boy band, though. Hard to believe Kerry and Edward were/ are professional singers. They are showing about 15 minutes too much of this task. have they really got no other footage?
Darryn covered in baby oil? Fetch me my matches. Do they leave Jedward alone cooking? I wouldn't trust Jedward to make a cheese sandwich.
My God, this episode has been SO BORING. It's actually been painful to watch. This nomance is useless. Jedward eating a frozen banana is much more riveting.
Amy is actually quite manipulative. She's put pay to Kerry and Lucien and now walking away like 'what did I do?' She looked irked when Kerry said he was a baby.
Do you think Darryn has ever had a lasting relationship with a woman? He has no respect for or understanding of women.
I don't think I've ever been less interested in a BB showmance. Amy Childs and her idea of what's sexy or fanciable is just empty and tragic, pouting into the mirror with her straggly hair and mask of make up. Lucien wants what he can't get, until he gets it. It's just empty.
I kind of like Kerry's dowdy hairband and the way she's just sitting around in her pyjamas. She seems quite unaffected by it all.
Really bad highlights show, and a bad omen if they're going to focus on this sort of shit in the highlights. Please, someone, stop the rot!

Film: Attack the Block

Wow, what a disappointment. I've been waiting to watch this film all year, and really had to twist my boyfriend's arm as he hates Nick Frost. As it is, Nick Frost isn't in it that much. And he's not even part of the problem.
I can't understand how this film got so many good reviews. Where do I start listing the things that were wrong with it? How about with the two dimensional female 'character' who we're meant to believe lives on a council estate, even though she talks like she's the romantic lead in a Richard Curtis film. She's meant to be a nurse, she talks like Pippa fucking Middleton (not that you ever hear that cunt talk - except out of her arse). She has no personality whatsoever; she's just fucking wet. It's really, really disappointing. Aren't we a bit beyond that kind of characterisation for women now? I suppose I should count myself lucky there's even a girl in it. They could have had someone really quirky or cool in it and made you really get behind them.
It is kind of annoying that we're expected to be on the side of this imbecilic group of chavs who talk like posh white people think chavs talk. 'Allow it'? It really is bare mockeries. Why are there no girls in the gang? The girlfriends of the gang are barely featured, and are sitting in a pink room when it does cut to them. Fucking hell.
Some of the gang are quite good actors, and seem almost realistic, and the main gang has some quirky characters at least, but I just didn't really like them. But Nick Frost is impotent, the posh student bloke is just cliched, and the police all talk like... well, like police talk in films, but not in real life.
I didn't think the script was much good either, it wasn't funny, or scary enough. In fact it made me think of Misfits, and how witty and intelligently written it is, and how non-patronisingly it treats youth culture. And also a lesson in how important it is to really love and care for your characters. Look at the way Kelly in Misfits is written compared to the female in this film. I was personally hoping she'd die.
The aliens themselves make the langoliers look progressively animated. It's literally a dude in a gorilla suit with some glow in the dark fangs on. Very disappointing.
This film has got to be one of the biggest anti-climaxes of the year. There's really no excuse. I love Adam and Joe so much, and with Joe Cornish's blatant film snobbery, I expected this to be top quality. I know I'm fussy, but this just didn't do it for me. I like films set in London, and films on a budget, but I think the characters just weren't up to scratch.
Super 8 was also a major disappointment. I need a decent alien movie in my life, fast.

Celebrity Big Brother - Lucien, leave it out (!)

We actually went to Lidl today, so who's to say advertising doesn't work? Instead of seeing Jedward going wild in the aisles, there were the dregs of society shuffling around like zombies. And that was just me and my boyfriend (this is the sort of joke Ian Hyland used to get paid for writing). My favourite bit of Lidl is the section where they have what I like to call 'odds and sods'. Who hasn't been tempted by that crap? I nearly came home with a cat activity centre but bought some Prosecco and a giant bag of marshmallows. I haven't tried the Prosecco yet, but the champagne in there has never let me down.
Anyway, enough about Lidl. I like the fact they've got a zillion bananas but no loo roll. Just use Darryn's dressing gown. At least they won't run short of tryptophan.
I can't believe Tara's gone. That house is packed full of cunts.
Darryn is incenced by the Trolli jelly hamburgers. He should be glad they didn't get any meat. They did try and get bread. At least they've got white Magnums.
I approve of Jedward in their pants. I like that pre-pubescent look (over 18s- I'm not a pervert).
Pejazzle?! I've heard it all now. I'm not sure I want to see all the housemates inner thighs. I liked Amy's stupid dog, he was mega cute. I wouldn't tongue a dog, personally, though.
Were Jedward checking Tara out in her bikini? I couldn't tell. Are they going to write a song called 'Vajazzle' to rival Peter Andre's Insania? Shouldn't vajazzle be spelt 'vagazzle'? Not as sexy that way, is it.
I can confirm every man's fantasy is NOT to vajazzle Amy Childs. Although it might be Darryn's by the look on his slobbery old face.
I still don't get how Tara left. It makes no sense.
Paddy going crazy with the champs! I'd be annoyed, I'd want to drink it. I wonder if it is the Lidl one?
Bobby talks so much trash. So annoyed he's still there. are we that gullible?
I wish I could be in Darryn's '4 real crew'. That's gotta be the hottest ticket in town.
I like Amy's dress, it shows off her figure well. Her hair is a bit straggly, though. Have Kerry and Lucien gone for a snog in the loo? I hate the way he's strutting around, flitting from girl to girl, he just gets on my wick.
Lucien: 'bad vibes'. He's the only one putting out bad vibes. Amy telling Darryn not to go to bed was very telling. She doesn't want to be left on her own with him.
Lucien is SUCH a player! Glad Amy called him out. It rather took the shine off when she went and laid in his lap, though. She's not the kind of girl you want as a best friend.
This is sooo childish. I don't think she fancies him at all. I hope they are all really drunk, because that's the only way any of this is forgivable.
WTF is going on? This is either edited badly or just a mess. Kerry is going to find all those pink crystals stuck to Lucien and it's going to be a dead give away. God, this 'showmance' makes Chanel and Ziggy look like love's young dream (I'm showing my age there).
I felt like that whole thing in the bedroom was just a performance put on for Kerry's benefit. I think the thing with Amy is she doesn't fancy Lucien but she wants to prove she's top dog in the house. She's that sort of girl. Lucien is just behaving like a 16-year-old at a school disco. Well, it's time his mummy came and picked him up.
This could win it for Kerry, because the way he's been leading her on is cruel. But really, she should know better.
PS: I wonder if Jedward could feel it if someone put a pea under their mattress?

Celebrity Big Brother - (Don't) get the meat

Whassup? The cats are running up and down the hallway, I've got a can of diet Pepsi on the go, let's get ready to rock and roll.
I voted to save Tara, yes, actually rang up and voted for the first time, because I'd hate to see her go over some of those other arseholes.
If even Amy has twigged Kerry and Lucien fancy each other, it must be true. I think 'they deserve each other' might be about right, but not for the reason she thinks.
Shopping task! They're finally getting them to do a bit of endurance! In BBUSA they make them hang off a hook for 48 hours to see who wants it most. I can't see that happening here. Wimps! Paddy, I thought you were meant to be a hardman?
I think Darryn or Bobby might go tonight. I mean, who would ring to save them? I doubt if their own mothers would bother jotting down the number. If they have writing implements in the house.
LOl to Kerry's screw face when Lucien was checking out Amy. He's what's known as a cunt tease. Oh, no, I forgot, that phrase DOESN'T EXIST because we live in a patriarchy.
Jedward vs Kerry and Bobby, or Kobby, as I like to call them. Jedward: 'you're going down, further down.' I can't see that one catching on.
LOL at Jedward being sent out to do the shopping (except the contact with the outside world, obv). I see it like the Common People vid. But with more crashing. Fuck me, Jedward probably don't even know who Pulp are.
Ha, Jedward can get their revenge for Darryn being the Tell Off Man whilst he was doing the shopping list. Paddy asked for shoe polish?! Is that really his top priority?
LIDL! LOL. Hope they don't want anything in particular, except Polish chocolate.
Get the bread! No, get the MEAT. *vom* Urgh, Lidl's meat is fucking rank. I couldn't eat that. I like the fact one is just issuing orders with a megaphone rather than helping.Lidl bread is horrid. The only thing I ever used to buy from Lidl was their £12.99 champagne. It was ace. But then they put it up to £15 and that was the end of that. Plus they always ID you in there. It's boring. I'm 31, ffs.
LOL to Jedward waking people up at 3am to tell them they didn't get any biscuits. Hilarious. They got some good sweets. They do have excellent sweets in Lidl. I like the giant pack of cola bottles they do.
Darryn is safe! WTF. Why? Lucien! Urgh! Tara better not go. WTF! She did! Why? This vote to save is bullshit. I always thought it would be good. But it ISNT. I'm quite mad now. This is entirely the wrong result. I never thought I'd say this, but if the 'normal' BB goes like this (ie. unfairly) I'm not even going to bother with it. Yes, I did just say that. C5 have driven me to it! Something is rotten. And I don't think this would have happened if we had live feed. I hate being out of touch with the BB audience. It makes me feel out of sorts. Well done, viewers, you just evicted the nicest person in the house.
The truth is, the only good thing about this Big Brother is Jedward. On launch night my phone was buzzing with texts. Launch night I watched it twice, once repeated when my boyfriend got in. Now: there's silence. My boyfriend said he aint going to watch it tonight. No one cares. It's a shame. Didn't we almost have it all.
Tara: 'It can get clicky in the house.' And that's just Kerry Katona's knees. (sorry)
I don't like them setting up Tara as this paranoid/ game player etc. So what? That's the whole point!
LOL to her having a go at Brian, that was pretty funny. Ooh, she looks mad. I don't know why she's so mad. She wasn't stitched up, she did go on like that. She was also pretty cool when she wanted to be. Her being annoyed is entertaining.
Wow, I actually don't like one person in that house, except Jedward, and they're not really a person, more of an invention. Paddy, OK, decent guy, but something bad lurking underneath and boring housemate. Amy: nothing between the ears. Bobby: no heart. Lucien: no spine. Kerry: no integrity. Darryn: just no.
I've got a sinking feeling! This isn't how it should be. My friend said she misses the human decency and boredom. It's true, we're not allowed to breathe for a minute. We have to be 'entertained', told how to feel. Please, C5, have a rethink. If you have the equipment to think it with.
PS: They put Million Pound Plop on at the same time as BB! I'd love to see the viewing figures.

Celebrity Big Brother - We're not taking beep from no one

Am I getting fed up with Big Brother? A bit. I've just got Sky and I feel myself being drawn to crime documentaries instead. And that's a shame. This should be amazing. And it's just mediocre. And that's partly the celebs, but partly the format.
Do I think Darryn really scares Tara? Maybe, but the kettle probably scares Tara. The trees probably scare Tara. It means very little.
Today is Kerry's daughter's birthday. I don't give a fuck.
If Jedward used my eyeliner to tattoo themselves, I wouldn't be happy. What eyeliner is that? It looks good, like marker pen.
Pamela got arrested for drink driving: 'they treated me like a criminal!' No shit. Drink driving is one of the grossest crimes you can commit. You could kill someone, buttercup.
Do you think Big Brother set this 'punk rock' crap up? My boyfriend pointed out the other day that Jedward don't swear. I want to see Jedward gobbing on people, smoking fags and calling Darryn a motherfucker. 'I hate you, chair! I hate you.' Oh, no, I just realised their single is called 'Bad Behaviour'. I feel cheap now. This whole thing is just a stitch up, isn't it? Don't tell me, Amy Childs knows how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism as well (nb. I spelt that right first time, woop) and Paddy is teaching proper enunciation in his spare time.
Jedward are being quite annoying today. Yet, even as punks, they are respecting the carpet.
Kerry's shouting brought back flashbacks of her shit reality show. 'Maaaaaaaarkkkk!' *shiver*
I like a contrite Jedward and Bobby telling them it's OK. Basically whatever the opposite to popular opinion is, that's Bobby's opinion. It's not really a personality, but it works as as housemate.
Amy is crying over an eyeliner right now. But I've cried over worse. She's probably on the rag. SORRY, couldn't resist. Bad buzz!
I don't want Kerry to get her phonecall home. They might as well give them all a fucking phone card and access to Twitter. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE'S FAMILIES.
Fuck the stars and fuck the moon and fuck everything else, it's just a fucking OK DEAL. Stop insulting my intelligence!
Then she comes out going 'I was ONLY allowed to speak to Molly.' ONLY? You're in fucking BIG BROTHER, you arsehole! You should only be allowed to speak to STRANGERS!
I know it might not matter to SOME PEOPLE but I actually care about this programme, and the boundaries that make it GREAT. It is the erosion of those boundaries that are making this show suck. Broken Big Brother!
Paddy showed his real personality a bit then when he couldn't understand how Bobby could hang out with Jedward in the real world. Paddy is so quick to take offence.
Do you think anything's ever come out of Lucien's mouth that's not crass or misogynistic?
Hiccup song. One way to cure hiccups.
Lucien is such a letch! Kerry should stay as far away as possible, because that's got unhappy ending written all over it. Lucien is drunk. Oh, now he says he's got a girlfriend! Oh, he's hedging his bets. Honestly, he behaves more immaturely than Jedward, it's all bluster and bullshit. Oh, Kerry turned away straight away. He looks twitchy now.
I will say one thing for Bobby, I think he would have been good on the live feed. I think he would have stayed up a bit. But we'll never know.
PS. Believe it or not, I cut about ten 'fucks' out if this blog. Just in case Jedward's 'mammy' is reading.