Eurovision Song Contest 2011

Why do we do it to ourselves? I don't have the answer. It's just a habit at this point, I think.
I started watching this an hour late (so I can forwards through the slow bits) and already my boyfriend is seething. One year we watched it in a Yarmouth hotel after we went to see Morrissey. That was the night we turned into dust, but that's another story.
Who are these jokers hosting? Simon Pegg is obviously one on them. Not sure what was going on at the start there- and not sure I want to know. No Dana International? Folly. I didn't watch the semi-finals because if I had I wouldn't have made it this far.
Why can people start voting before we've heard a single song?! I don't believe the re-jig of the rules will save Blue. I want Jedward to win, anyway.
FINLAND: Jeff Brazier with a guitar singing a folk song about saving the planet. Boyfriend: 'he looks as bored as I am.' It's JUST STARTED. I've heard a lot worse.
BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA: I might have spelt that wrong, the writing is too small to see from here. Fuck, how to describe this? They're all done up like Rupert the Bear. Luckily boyfriend has gone toilet. Exceptionally tuneless.
DENMARK: Rocking the Jedward hair. Graham Norton says this one is good. I'll be the judge of that. I think the leather trousers are a bit excessive. They're more McFly than These lyrics are a bit Placeboish. But shit. That catwalk off the stage is cool. I bet Jedward will be making the most of that. Boyfriend just perked up.
Boyfriend: 'I used to like Blue but they're all animals now.' He's upset about the weeing on the cashpoint drama. Oh and Lee Ryan's general conduct. But how could anyone have 'used to like Blue'?
LITHUANIA: Dated, dated, dated. Fairy off a Christmas tree doing sign language. Dire.
HUNGARY: Light up jewellery? That sounds alright. Oh yes, blingy ring. She looks like an old drag queen. The tune is quite catchy but she's a bit out of tune.
IRELAND: Jedward! Thisis like all Louis Walsh's wet dreams come true (apologies for that image). Have you ever read an interview with Jedward? They're not all there, are they? I think they're autistic or something. Nice outfits! The brothers grime- lol. The song is quite good. I still love them. They've given me many giggles over the past year or two. Plus Jedward sound more in tune than Blue did when I saw them on OKTV. Just went to the kitchen and was singing Jedward's song. Catchy times!
SWEDEN: Some stellar opening lyrics there. He looks like a Manga kid and there's some blokes writhing in boxes. He will be popular, apparently. We'll see. It is quite catchy. Ooh he smashed some glass. Cool.
ESTONIA: Manic dolly woman in cardboard city. Boyfriend has named them 'the crab-eyed peas.'
GREECE: (C)rap. Sex, guns, fucking in the street. What a mess. Rap opera? There's a reason why that's not an actual genre. G(6)4. (That's a joke but you have to think about it).
RUSSIA: Flue! Nice hair. Their dancing is more out of time than Jedward. Don't put my mind in a dirty zone, you pervert. This is rubbish.
To be fair, though, this has been the best Eurovision I've seen in a few years. There's been less dirgy ones.
FRANCE: He has hair like a a 90s boyband member. My boyfriend just piped up 'Christian Fail.' I like his little soldier jacket. I could see him in a Bon Jovi video. This makes me want some ice-cream.
ITALY: A jazzy pastiche? Those aren't two words I want to hear together. Peter Barlow off the wagon on a piano. Italy, if this is what you come back with after 40 years, you need to fuck off for 50.
SWITZERLAND: dated old bint in sparkly dress singing cod reggae. If that's Graham Norton's idea of gorgeous it's no wonder he's gay.
UNITED KINGDOM: Blue, blue, blue, blue as they chant on Deal or No Deal. I've literally never been more excited to see Blue. Mugshots! Drops of pain hit the ground. Quite. My boyfriend was proper ROLFing at Lee Ryan's bits. It sounded like someone was letting the air out of him. I laughed ten times harder at Blue than Jedward. That can't be right. G-g-g-g-get back up again. I can't wait to see them get trounced (there's national pride for you).
MOLDOVA: Gnomes on a unicycle. Who could ask for more? A tune. Unavailable, apparently. Ugh it's like gnome ska. Horrendous. I liked the bit where he put a monocle in at the end. Nice touch.
GERMANY: Feral Cole. Oh no, it's more like Foss Stone. Pretty vacant.
ROMANIA: Sleazy. This is more like old skool rubbish Eurovision. Cheesy bloke on piano. Bad hair. Tartan. Saxaphones.
AUSTRIA: What's Graham saying about her hair, I like it. The song is gash, though.
AZERBAIJAN: Old style eurovision schlock. Male/female, white suits, wind machine.
I think Graham has been better this year too. He was on the wrong side of scathing previously, whereas he's been more cheeky and funny this year.
SLOVENIA: Power ballad! Thigh high boots. Over-the-top warbling. the standard is definitely dropping as the show goes on.
ICELAND: Is Jeff Brazier back again? Waistcoats. Fat people. Superhans is on the piano. Make it end.
SPAIN: too perky by far.
Please let Jedward beat Blue. Please let Jedward beat blue. Please let Jedward beat blue. I want to see Lee Ryan smash something. Hopefully Duncan.
UKRAINE: You may be wondering why my boyfriend has stopped moaning. It's because he's been off cooking dinner. Ooh, I like the sand art. And her little wings. Very Brandon Flowers. I like her outfit. All these gimmicks are detracting from a shitty song.
SERBIA: 60s tripe. She looks like a cross between Jade Goody and Duffy. Ok I'm getting fed up now. It took a while, though.
GEORGIA: An emo Jennifer Love Hewitt. That dress is vile.
That's it. So Jedward should get a few votes from the UK, right?
12 points to the UK from Bulgaria! Nice one. My national pride just came rushing back.
Aw Jedward aint doing do good. We're a respectable fifth so far. I haven't seen us do this well in years.
OK I just had my dinner and no one has given us any points for about 20 minutes. I'm glad the UK voted for Jedward. Jedward are in third! They've got almost double the Uk's points.
Some of these people reading the points are quite 'quirky'. that woman going 'what do you think?' and this Slovenia tool singing. Just give us the scores and fuck off.
Jesus, we're only halfway through the scores. Mental. I can't believe Azerbaijan are doing so well. They were fucking useless.
Ireland only gave us 6. Arseholes. Glad Jedward beat Blue. Can't wait to see Blue justifying that in interviews.
So Azerbaijan won. That was the worst song of the night. AND BT vision cut off my recording before the last vote. THANKS. Lucky the UK didn't win, hey. I would have missed the celebrations!
Back to bisexual, wife-shouting-at, I'm-a-Celebrity, wee-drenched-cash-points for Blue. And for Jedward? World domination! The night starts here.