Big Brother 2011 - We've become legends

I've got a friend round who doesn't have a TV and hasn't watched one episode. He's already laughing at 'This house was built on a burial site.' Fact. He also says Marcus is hamming it up since the old days.

No one wants your £110 trainers, Jay.

Louise: 'I love going into a butchers and smelling the meat.' Gross! Butchers smell like death. Murder! Do you know how animals die, Louise?

Look at Aaron's bad taste tattoos. They look like 90s tattoos.

Nominations! Yay. I avoided the result again. Very easy. Anton admits he's got no dignity. Well, we knew that.

Anton's irrelevant nominations! Boo. Play ball, naughty. Ooh, Louise is nominating a man. Weird. Louise is nominating Faye because she wants to have a chat with her. WTF.

Lots of nomination talk today. Crack down, BB! Nice threads, Harry. I'm sure Tim Henman's dad would love them.

I like Anton being nominated by Jem for 'cackling to himself.' A wrestler is intimidated by Jay! He's not punched a pillow in a week now.

OMG Jay doing a poo with the door open! I've seen it all now. Did he say 'I'm coming out'? Strange way to do it! My friend is horrified! I've already appalled him tonight by suggesting dolphins lay eggs, now this. I'm never going to live down my lowbrow lifestyle.

Why is Faye nominating wrapped in that beige towel? Ick.

Interesting Alex nominated Aaron for his mood swings, I'm surprised he didn't get more. I'm thrilled that Anton and Jay are up!

Louise and Jay are pure toilet, with her farts and his poops.

It's been quite a funny BB so far tonight. Tom and Alex's imaginary hair salon. Please let Jay cut his pinkie off. I'd like crisps on tap.

Jay is missing his grandma. No, just her dumplings. Let's see how long this speaking ban lasts.

Even Jay's tomato sauce rantings don't make sense. Plus, they're NOT ALLOWED TO WRITE THINGS.

Jay vs a Pillow 2. The revenge. It's like a bad play. I just said he'd changed his ways! Now he's let us all down again.

I liked Big Brother giving them a taste of their own medicine, cute. Tom; 'I think we should break this silence thing, soon.' I think you already have.

I'm slightly behind on the show and my friend has texted me to say 'this twist is a kick in the groin'. I'm intrigued now. Kick 'em both out! Go eat granny's dumplings.

Jay and Anton deserve to be put in a crypt. Bedsit times! I don't want them to change the noms! I was looking forward to another wolf scalp on my wall this week.

Are they going to get some food in the afterlife? I hate this pair, I don't want them to have that power. It's like a poisoned bedsit! Bedshit! Down at the bottom of the garden/ amongst the birds and the bees/ a little lot of little tossers/ they call the Wolfpack disease! I like their little black outfits, but it's not as good as when Emma's top kept falling down.

Is it going to be Fight Night 2? I hope Jay nuts someone and gets kicked out. I like that crypt, just seal up the doors and leave them in there.

Are they feeding them Halloween sweeties in that crypt? I think they're eating skulls filled with goop and pumpkin bubblegum.

This is a good twist, it's been a particularly good episode tonight. It's just a shame about the two people up for nomination, as it's skewed things in the wrong direction.

'It's been two hours since Jay and Anton went to their graves.' If only. I like those headphones they're wearing.

Don't invoke rule 13, Big Brother. Who do you think you are, Vinnie Jones?

Love Anton and Jay patting their hearts to show the love. But will they be showing the love when they go back in? Who will be wielding the knife ala Victor? Will Tom do a Marco? Who will be shown the door?

Also, isn't it fishy, possibly, that on the first week Aaron isn't up Anton essentially 'throws' the nominations? How would things have been different if Aaron and Anton were in the crypt?

I hope this pans out this week. And don't get me wrong, I hope it's explosive. But I hope the fallout sways in the right direction.

In the meantime, Jay and Anton: I aren't Legend.

Big Brother 2011 - Off the peg

I wouldn't say romance was dead in that house but 'Jay for Loo' allegedly written in blood doesn't really do it for me. Anton: 'I'm either a villian or an antihero.' Tom: 'No, you're just a dick.'

Aaron is going to treat Faye like a princess. Is that the princess with a good work ethic? Yes, like Cinderella, he's going to lock her in a cupboard and make her do some sweeping. Mind you, she deserves it.

I'm sick of Aaron and Faye and I'm sick of Jay and Louise. At least that kiss looked passionate between Aaron and Faye. Louise and Jay are more like doggers. In fact, they probably WILL be doggers when they get out. High class doggers.

LOl to Aaron covering up his snogging by moaning about frosted fucking flakes. Love Harry's acerbic digs!

UH OH! Aaron's not happy about Faye's nipple piercing talk! There's gonna be hell to pay. He's never going to make her cry again? We'll see. He's probably made her cry again before the end of this blog.

What is Louise going on about? I don't think she knows what day of the week is.

Jay 'I never thought I was going to come in here and win Big Brother.' Rubbish! He can make friends in an empty room? Hmm, depends how fussy the room is. Still, nice to see Jay and Aaron chatting (I think).

I'd be wary of Aaron, too, if I was Jem. She should wrestle him to the ground and find out what his intentions are.

That jumper Aaron is wearing! WTF is he thinking, he looks like a school teacher. And what's going on with his beard? It's gone a bit Noel-Edmonds-during-Deal-or-No-Deal-live-week.

These love messages are fucking try hard! Tragic. You can't make someone love you with a straw or tin foil. Some gaffer tape and a chainsaw and we might be talking.

Jay and Louise are actually getting quite creepy now. Did Jay just use the word 'epiphany'? Howway man! Was that it? Bit of a dull one tonight. No, not my blog, the show!

Big Brother's Bit on the Side (BOTS)

I thought I'd do a quick review of BOTS, as I've actually been watching it this series, unlike last series, when it was Big Mouth, but bore no resemblance to the surreal art-house knockabout romp fronted by Russell Brand in our youths, but instead was Davina McCall (remember her?) shrieking and trying to be impartial. Appalling.

I've had my doubts about Emma Willis in the past (shrilllllll!) but she loves Big Brother, and she's easy on the eye, and I think she's been pretty good for this show. She watches it (which is more than Davina or George Lamb - shudder - did) and she has a good sense of humour. The format of the show is generally quite good and easy to watch, and although I can't warm to Alice (what's the point of her?) I went from hating Jamie East to thinking he's pretty funny, and he gets away with saying the most offensive things. They don't try too hard to be funny or surreal, as has been the mistake on this show in the past.

The guests are generally quite good with a few exceptions (how much did they have to pay Linda Lusardi?). Pete Burns, Lauren Harries and Victor have all been extremely good value and entertaining, although you can get a bit sick of anyone after a week.

Victor can somehow get away with being so offensive and sexist, yet still being super funny. I'd say there's slightly too much Josie on it (what is the fascination with her?) but I like it when they dig up ancient housemates like Freddie, Ahmed and Jonty. And it's always a pleasure to see Rodrigo on my screen. But when are they going to dig up the Irrepressible Dark Horse, or did I miss that one?

I think when BB finishes, and BOTS is no more, I'll miss it. But I'd still swap it in seconds for even an hour of live feed. Sort it out, C5. I miss it on those nights I stay up late. Waiting for them to wake up used to be a gentle sort of fun.

PS: a word on OKTV. Fair enough ditching smug Matt, but Kate Walsh is worth a hundred of the sleazy Jenny Frost. And Jeff Brazier is no good, either. Goodbye!

Big Brother 2011 - Frosted flakes food fight fiasco

Imagine waking up to the frosted flake aftermath! I hate the way Aaron stomps around making people feel uncomfortable. I hate people who put their mood onto everyone else.

Tom is soooo right about Aaron, he doesn't know when to stop. 'Mortified'? Get a grip. I'd hate to see how he reacts when something really mad happens. He's worse that Vinnie Jones in a way, because it's all so insidious. I could NOT go out with a moody man; I'd stab him to death within a week. I'd prefer all-out bile to that.

If it's not Frosties, then it's the letter bomb of love that will bring us together. I like these shit-stirring tasks. Jay is reading Anton's letter like a six-year-old reads out their homework. Lucky it didn't have any words over three syllables in it.

I liked the 'Lego bricks' comment. Bit harsh. Willy, willy, willy (revived). I think I'd like to see Aaron go this week, even though I've voted to save him many times. I'm fed up with him. It's just plain rude not listening to people's letters; they are human beings, frosted flakes or otherwise. Nice 'f' alliteration, Marcus Bentley.

He doesn't give a shit about Faye if they're really breaking up over some Frosties. Aaron, you are pissing all the good will the public have for you up the wall.

Harry's gone BOOM! Jay is going to be in the bad books. Damn, I wanted to hear more 'honeybunch' stuff. I would have been more interested in that than any of the others!

Imagine having a mirror straight in front of the toilet! No one wants to look at themselves having a shit. And if it's because there's a camera behind there, that's even worse.

Jay's mum wrote a nice message, quite eloquent to have spawned him. Aw, Alex is so cute speculating what would have been in his letter from home.

I honestly think Aaron should shove that letter from home up his arse. Although I think Faye is enjoying having the moral high ground. I like her jumper, though.

This conversation between Anton and Aaron is cringy. Anton should stay as he is - a prize prat. Going to the final? We'll see!

What was Jay alluding to then? Is he saying he slept with Louise?! A gentleman? I don't think so!

Wow, it's only 10pm. Two extra hours before bed! *eats popcorn*

Big Brother 2011 - Wait until mum sees this

Two blogs on the trot, my laptop is going to cry. Lucky my novel writing has come to a grinding halt lately as I've had some serious techno troubles this week and I could have lost my magnum opus.

I'm looking forward to seeing Anton unravel from all angles tonight.

Showergate! Who DOES shower naked in from of their family? Well, maybe Jedward. Jem is dressed entirely in clothes I own today. Weird.

I think Faye doesn't want Jem to see her naked because she thinks she's out of shape. She's seriously touchy about her body, cos it's all she's got.

Alex is always supporting other people. When does anyone ever support her?

What exactly happened with Louise and Jay? What's the current status? I feel like I'm missing huge chunks of storyline here.

They are pointing out Harry is posh again, in case we've forgotten. They are obviously worried about him becoming a bit too popular. OMG 25 rooms in his house! It shouldn't take that long to count the rooms in your house. Right, it worked, I'm not voting for him. Aw, bootsy baby. Besides, he must still live with his mummy.

As much as I like Aaron it's indicative of the poor quality of housemates that he is winning all the public votes. I HATE it when housemates talk to the cameras, it's the lowest of the low, Big Brother shouldn't show it in my opinion.

Which campus is Jay the big man on? The university of idiots?

Aaron: 'I was a bit of a nincompoop at 19.' LOL. You're now talking to yourself in a garden. Get a grip, man.

Ah, Louise is back in bed with Jay. She must be bored.

I like Alex's pink dress. Aaron and Faye's showmance paid off. My boyfriend noticed that the housemates don't seem to be allowed to get up to hug each other when people get saved. Must be camera angles.

Can't believe Anton wanted to ruin Aden's exit. What a tool. Aden wasn't bothered about going! Lol to the Wolf pack's best bits. I didn't remember Pammy was a member.

Jay: 'he took it like a man'. Aden wasn't getting his limbs blown off in war, ffs. Then Jay started crawling up Aaron's arse. But Aaron still won't bite. Aaron is quite ungracious; be polite like Alex with the gross posh food.

I love the fact Faye and Aaron argue about how to celebrate not being evicted. They are a truly fucked up couple. Tom is right though; Aaron will get so far, but he won't win. It is the Freddie Factor, and it just took Bea to derail that train.

Uh oh, Louise is pissed and saying she fancies Jay again. Jay: 'so why did you say you didn't like us then?' Because SHE WAS SOBER.

Anton, you're not a popular villain. You're an unpopular knob.

I wonder why everyone's getting on? Because Anton and Jay are both on a kiss-ass mission. I like Jem's strawberry hat.

Frosties fight! Imagine finding all those in your pants all week! Aaron is disgusted! People having fun! HEATHENS.

LOl to Alex eating own-brand Frosties out of a shoe. There's one for her best bits. Probably still tasted better than Harry's posh nosh.

Aaron is in shock and awe! Faye's getting involved in the Frosties fight! Dumped again. Aaron is going to get a shock one of these days when his Victor Meldrew runs out of steam and he gets shown the door. And wouldn't it be a turn up for the books if it happened before Anton? Vote wisely this week, housemates.

The X Factor - Love & Heartache

Well last week's twist was pretty rubbish, wasn't it? It's left us with a bunch of old duffers in the competition and cut decent or fun people like Amelia or 2 shoes.

Nu Vibe on first? They really are being punished for last week, aren't they? See ya!

Did Tulisa just say she can't stand Dappy? Lol. Join the queue.

How can they make With or Without You more palatable? Well, taking Bono off helps. But this is duff. I wonder what 2 shoes would have done this week? Why are they always giving Nu Vibe rubbishy dance tunes? My boyfriend has renamed them 'No Direction'. Where's the cute one? Gary stole Louis's 'no vibe' joke.

I think whoever is styling Tulisa is mates with Cheryl Cole, because they're making her look like crap every week. Last week it was the two-tone highlights, this week a harsh black bun. She looks like she's off to a Greek funeral. I wouldn't mind if she was actually a good judge, but she's not, I've heard more concise criticism round the water cooler.

Why is Sammi going on about her weight? Shouldn't it be about the singing? And why do they make her up to look so old? She looked young and fresh faced in the clip before, but they've made her look like an old granny.

I wish Kelly Rowland would 'put it down'. Gary is so po-faced, what a miserable fuck. It makes me sick all this love for him, he just comes across like a curmudgeon with none of the charm or grace of Simon. My boyfriend has declared him 'Gary Cropper' but I think that's a bit harsh on Roy. At least he's loveable. I think Gary needs to get off that diet and let his hair down a bit. Since when did he become the elder statesman of pop, anyway? Fucking hell, next year they'll probably stick H from Steps (aka Donny Tourette's stepladder) on the judging panel and expect me to eat it. 'Oh H, please put me through! I really want to meet Lee Latchford-Evans' at the judges house stage!'

That song Craig did was rubbish. I like him but he's a bit overrated. I'm not surprised that song was Beyonce. I have a gene that makes me hate every song she's ever put her name to.

Oh piss off with your sob story about liking heavy metal music, Janet. I don't like her performances at all, she just leaves me cold. But I might as well get used to it as she's going to be in for a long time.

Frankie was awful! I love that Coldplay song, and it normally makes me cry, but it showed up the weaknesses in his voice really badly. They took out all the drama and build up in that song, too. Swagger fail, lol.

Johnny at least brings a bit of light to the competition, and I liked 'vogue' and 'you can rub my lamp anytime'. It really is a miracle to make Barlow crack a smile, he's concentrating so hard on looking sour/sexy, which he isn't, and I speak with some conviction, because I used to fancy him in the 90s.

I love Marcus, but that song was dreary. I hope it doesn't put him in jeopardy.

(My computer died for a while so I'm playing catch up, as Roy Walker says).

I really like Rhythmix, I think they're fun and cute, and a bit of a mess vocally, but in a good way. They're like cartoon characters.

Mischa has come as a Quality Street. I said to my boyfriend 'do you recognise this song? It's Charlie and Eddie.' and he goes, 'Oh, that used to be a good song.'

The Risk are perfectly pleasant. I'm already bored by them.

Sophie should have gone last week, yo. Amelia was a lot more exciting and interesting than her (well, she was before they sucked all her natural style out of her, and left her with bedraggled pink hair and frosted lipstick, crying).

At least they gave Sophie a fringe, she needed one. But they've made her look so duff and mumsy. Why can't they make teenagers look a bit cool? It's like they take their natural style and suck it out of them and put it back together like your mum buying you a grotesque jumper and saying 'this is your sort of thing isn't it?' Sophie can sing, but she's got no X Factor.

What's the point in hating Kitty? Everyone knows a Kitty. You just let them get on with it. I like her antagonism towards people booing her. She should go on Celeb Big Brother. She looks rather botoxed. Isn't she only 28? She should have done Hyperballad by Bjork instead. No one can EVER do It's Oh So Quiet as well as Janice Battersby did on Stars in Their Eyes once. That was TV gold. I thought Kitty's version was quite good, too, actually. I'd take her over Janet any day.

Big Brother 2011 - Blessed of Brrrrrrrrrrrrrapish

Why is Jay getting cheered? He's a total arsehole. The crowd is full of knobs. If he hears himself getting cheered that will make him even more unbearable. Why is Faye getting cheered, too?

Anton's got his Dustin crown on! Douche.

Anton is plotting. Hopefully he won't be around to make the reign of the wolfpack come true.

Interesting they are pitching it as Aaron vs Anton. It's not quite a two horse race yet.

LOL to Brian flirting with Jem's ridiculously pumped boyfriend.

It took me about seven minutes to work out this game was meant to be Deal or No Deal. I love it when they bust out the kloches. Aden is getting quite a good edit, here. I would have took the phonecall.

Ugh that made me sick to see Jay getting cheered and congratulating himself. Yay, Aaron got the most votes! That's one in the eye for Jay. Aaron's being all humble! They don't normally tell you who got the most votes, interesting.

Why on earth did Aden let Louise cut his hair? Did he not see what she did to Jay? He looks like he's used to posing for mugshots.

Yuck, all that burping is gross. I'm on Aaron's side. I don't burp! Aaron has got the hump because Faye burped at him. My boyfriend is a bit funny about things like that, too, but luckily I don't burp. Aaron is 'scarred by it.' Control freak! Aaron is sooooo prissy.

I am sickened again by Jay getting so roundly cheered! The man is an animal. I can't stand Faye, but I'm glad they said she was safe before him. What's Jem wearing; some sort of hessian hat, a garland and a silver bikini. WTF.

Aaron and Faye are the touchiest couple on the planet! She can't tell when he's joking because he says them with a straight face and she can't hack it. If they're like this after three weeks 'of love' can you imagine what they'd be like after a year? Relationships are supposed to enrich you, ffs.

I might believe Aden was leaving more on Thursday if he wasn't sitting there on Friday night! I remember when John James went crab-eyesing through that very door. Magical moments, they were. Until they put him back in.

I'm so annoyed that Anton is pretending to care that we hate him. He cares a lot. He's just a little boy hiding behind a series of comedy hats. Damn him!

And damn Brian Dowling too, for making me wait an hour to find out what's what. I need to know now!

Love Anton going 'wow' when he realises Aaron and Faye are popular. Aaron shaking his head when Jay did his 'thanks' message was lols. Wolfpack crap. My thoughts exactly.

LOL to Anton surviving. Anton seems grateful for whatever braindead amoeba voted for him. Stop ruining Aden's moment, you prick. Brap! Aden sounds like my cat when he does his telephone noise. My cat makes that noise when he's happy; Aden seem pretty happy, too. Who can blame him?

LOL Anton is crying! I'm fucking thrilled. Are we finally seeing him crack? His friendship with Aden actually seems real. Could this be Anton's turnaround moment? If he does a proper grovel, maybe he could end up winning it. I never thought we would see this moment, when he was begging the crowd to boo him, but he does actually care! I knew it. He'll be cuddling Aaron by the end of the week.

Why DID Aden get such a good reception? Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!

I liked him being embarrassed at seeing himself blubbing. I hate it when people say 'I love you to pieces'. I have a mental image of being in pieces in a bin bag.

I thought Aden came off quite well in the interview. He seemed a lot perkier than in the house. I thought his skinhead looked alright, too, and I liked his interaction with the crowd.

LOL to him being embarrassed at his own rapping. Genuinity indeed! He took that very well. I actually thought he was cute when he went in. And he said Alex FTW. Yay. And a classy message, too.

Rebecca looked like an absolute state, but she looked really happy, like she actually loved him! Weird. What a strange happy ending. I believe in it more than Aaron and Faye, at least they might have some sexual chemistry. Well, for tonight, at least. Lock up your Travelodge!