The Voice UK: I'm going to make you sang

Why the fuck am I bothering to watch this again? And more pertinently, why am I blogging it at 2am? The first contestant was quite good, he sung a proper chirpy little song, but I didn't think his voice was that good.
The way Wills sits there in that throne he reminds me of one of those boring ones in Star Wars that sit round talking about what biscuits they need on the Death Star to appease the Emporor.
My TV is strobing like an epileptic lava lamp. Perhaps I should by one that isn't circa 1987.
Tom Jones sleazily picked Barbara Streisand. It's like the judges are having an odium-off tonight. I literally don't know which one to despise first.
Some joker came on and was forced to do a Script song so at least I've actually heard one now. And I actually know it! Still it's no Sex Bomb, is it. My boyfriend told me the Eurythmics have a song called Sex Crime (which I didn't believe) and ever since we've been singing 'sex crime, sex crime, you're my sex crime.' I need to check out those lyrics, I bet they're amazing.
Wee Willy Winkie is like a little owl peeking out of a nook and/ or cranny, peering over his zany spectacles and promising that by this time next year he'll have your face painted on the side of moon and gigs lined up for you from everywhere to the Central African Republic to Kazikstan and the Grenadines.
It's soooooo cringy when the judges sing along. I feel embarrassed for Jessie J, she acts like she's about 14 and she's just drunk her first bottle of Hooch. She's one of those people who if you were friends with her you'd never go round her house because it would be full of toadying twats in pork pie hats and girls talking about organic muesli and pilaties whilst mainlining cocaine and talking drivel.
Son of a Preacher man girl can fuck off, too. She was quite ungracious in defeat, too. Yeah, get back on that horse and trot along.
The next contestant is passing himself off as 'crazy' because he's dressed like a teen Billy Idol. I didnt even know it was Like a Virgin he was singing. He gave it the full Darius treatment. I think this dipshit is going to go with Willy because they're both accountant types who've decided that wearing jewellery that comes out of those 20p egg machines is 'so hot right now'.
Mr Adams looked like he's just found out he's not got a cut of Fergie's Avon perfume deal when he didn't choose the cheeky opera girl. I love the fact she found out she could sing like that by taking the piss, that's kind of cool.
I wonder what chief Pea chats about with Cheryl Cole when they meet up for a knob-twiddling session? I bet they blow so much smoke up each other's arses about what unique and talented artists' they are, little knowing that aged over 40 you should probably shelve the neon baseball jackets, and that only doing tweets to make nasty little digs at people makes you look like the hateful cow you really are.
They should use that 'sex on fire' song on a cystitis advert. That guy's voice was quite good though. And playing barefoot, too? It's simply GROUNDBREAKING! Whatever next?
Oh God, does the world need another Olly Murs? We've already fucked him off to America, although what the fuck they'd want with him one can only imagine. They obviously haven't heard the one about the crab pinching his feet.
I think Holly Willoughby has been in this show for about 4 seconds so far.
This couple are an interesting mixture. I think they're a bit folky. They're trying to do the Darius treatment on the Beautiful South. I think Jessie J was pleased when she lost the coin toss because she was narked they weren't fussed which one they had.
Oh god, a precoscious 16-year-old goth cheeky girl. Stand out from the crowd? She's obviously never been to Northampton. There's about 10 of her on every corner. I thought she was quite good, though, shame they didn't pick her.
Jessie J can stick her stage-school diction comments up her arse. Diction is not what I want from a song. I want pain, truth and bits I can tunelessly bellow along to, not vocal acrobatics and someone going 'huh'! Tom jones has been doing that 'huh!' bullshit since before the dinosaurs got nuked.
I thought the last two were rubbish. But I do like Scripty dude a bit more now. He seems like you could take him home to your mum. Not sure that's what I want from a popstar, though.
Right, I've done my bit. Off to beddybyes. x

Film: Hit so hard

I went to see the documentary Hit So Hard at the British Film Institute tonight which told the story of Hole drummer Patty Schemel. I laughed at the blurb which said something like 'while egomaniac front woman Courtney drew the attention the more interesting story was happening elsewhere with Patty'. Even the person who wrote that must have giggled a bit. Are drummers ever interesting? Well maybe not, but her story is. The stuff about her sexuality was interesting and her mum was amazing! She was hilarious. They didn't dwell too much on her back story though, the lifeblood of the documentary was the Hole story.
I didn't realise Patty was such good friends with Kurt and lived with Kurt and Courtney in this strange tree-house place! All that footage was really interesting, and was very intimate and personal. It seems quite relevant I watched this today because I had a teeny Kurt vs Courtney spat with a friend of mine on Facebook this week and he said 'Kurt was my hero'. Well, Kurt was my hero, too, once. And some of the footage in this documentary would truly break your heart. There were so many interesting parts. I loved old 'ugly' Courtney with Kurt and baby Frances; I love seeing her how she was, her real beauty. But it's so weird when you see a baby in that environment when people are obviously on drugs and it's frightening and incongruous, and then you think of how it all turned out and it's just wholly depressing. I loved Kurt too, he was truly beautiful, and it's just another heartbreak on my list, which is why I make fun of him a bit now, because he hurt me when he killed himself (I know it wasn't a personal attack on me, but it was a tough time of my life and it felt like it then!) I do wonder what Frances thinks of it all. It must be hell for her.
I wasn't expecting the documentary to be so heartbreaking either: the death or Kurt and Hole bassist Kristen Pfaff was really harrowing (I liked Courtney being indignant that all the 'death attention' was on Kurt like it was some competition). Sounds like Kristen died from the Amy Winehouse treatment; she was trying to get off drugs, and then when she went back to them, her body couldn't cope.
And then there's the crossover with your own life: I was at that Reading in 1994 after Kurt died: I saw Courtney self-destruct and she was my idol because I'd watched my life self-destruct two years before. And my friends weren't on heroin or crack but one of us could easily have died on one of our Fisher Price versions of drugs when I was a teenager. It just takes a bit of bad luck or one one night that goes on too long.
And that's why you never get over the music of your teens because it is intrinsically linked to every vital adult emotion you'll ever feel: love, heartbreak, ecstasy and death. And that's when you feel all of them for the first time and it stays with you.
I always have this dismissive attitude to 'band members': it's like the way I am with Johnny Marr- without Morrissey there's no Johnny Marr, therefore who gives a fuck about Johnny Marr? Johnny Marr and Mike Mogis are just window dressing, and they're part writers. A drummer? They're less than that. But I have to backtrack on this a little now, because I understood watching this documentary that a band is a band of brothers (or sisters) and aren't interchangeable like the Sugababes with replaceable heads. The bit where Courtney ditched Patty from Celebrity Skin and put a LOOKALIKE in the video was truly jaw-dropping. And the way Eric and Melissa sat on the fence was shameful: it was like Jade Goody vs Shilpa Shetty all over again.
A word on the other band members then: Melissa still looks beautiful. Eric Erlandson looks like he's died of AIDS and just looked in the mirror at his own ghost. Honestly, he looks seriously ill. And Patty? Well, she looks pretty much the same as ever. But she's off the crack, so thank god for that. When she basically admitted she sold herself to get crack when she was homeless it was truly shocking. She was extremely brave and honest to admit that. I love the fact she called Courtney for help: that must have been hard. Especially as it was partly Courtney's fault. But I liked Courtney trying to get Patty off drugs in Hawaii and clearly being off her face herself.
I thought this might be one of those documentaries where Courtney would have banned Patty from playing any Hole tunes (let's face it, she bans every fucking thing) but actually Courtney featured quite prominently and amusingly (she was either high or pissed out of her face and appeared to be eating some sort of biscuits throughout - my boyfriend would have gone mad if he'd been there as she was talking with her mouth full at one point).
I liked the bits where Patty and Mellisa were almost in code talking about Courtney going off on one and how they took refuge in each other. And I liked Courtney's indignation at her dress getting ripped off in the crowd, like what did she expect from those animals? A cuddle?
Anyway the really cool part was that Patty came on at the end for a Q&A. Me and my friend John didn't dare ask our respective questions (mine was: what do you think of the current incarnation of Hole?) but the questions asked were all really interesting and she was very gracious and funny about Courtney and said she saw Dave Grohl at a 5-year-old's birthday party recently and he was moaning about getting old and having a bad back.
It's funny seeing everyone there of a 'certain age' ie. my age, all clinging to the past. You just feel part of something. And I left the house and saw the bright lights of the South Bank. Excitements.
Patty came across as thoroughly decent, honest, wise and forgiving. She seems to have found her happiness at last and it wasnt on 'heroin island'. You cant really say fairer than that. It's not easy to get off hard drugs and that must be respected. And it can't be easy to work with Courtney and come out the other side. So good on her. I wrote this blog on my phone on the tube, which is very unlike me, but I wanted to get my thoughts in some sort of order about it. I didn't expect it to affect me so personally, but it did. I thoroughly recommend this doc if you're a Hole fan and there's one more showing at the BFI on Tues, so get down there.
I also saw some of my old kittyradio crew down there, but that's another story. PS: I'm not dead!

The Voice UK: Your lips are mad clean

'It doesn't matter what you look like or what you wear'. That's lucky with these jokers on the panel. The Voice USA is a triumph. I have a feeling this is going to be an embarrassment. The BBC don't do this type of show well. Although I liked Fame Academy. Specifically Ainslie.
Four of the biggest names in music? I don't even know what one of these people is called. 'Danny O Donna-who?' said my boyfriend. I predict that joke will have been done approximately 4843874387387282137 times on Twitter by the time I post this blog. I don't look at Twitter whilst I do my blogs, btw, mainly because I don't watch shows live. But also because I can think of my own bad jokes. Well, either me or the boyfriend can.
I am really appalled by choice of judges for this show. Three men and only one woman: well, goes without saying. Hateful sexist scumbag Tom Jones - who sleeps with women other than his wife and just expects her to put up with it - is so out of touch that I doubt if he could tell Rhianna from a wrist watch. Jessie J is so insincere she makes Fearne Cotton look friendly, and her music is pure piffle. I'd like to comment on DOD from the Script but I know nothing about him. I can only assume they got him cheap as fuck.
Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb. If he's a sex bomb, I'm painting myself with Kevlar and hiding in Obama's suitcase. And even then, I'm scared. Can you imagine him waving it at you, all orange with those grey pubes. Sorry, I just vomited in my lap.
I've got a feeling! That tonight's gonna be a good night. When will they learn with this fucking song? Frankie Cocozza should have put that fucker to bed long ago. Why aren't they singing one of The Script's ditties? OMG this is proper embarassing. I reckon Will Young refused to sing this song and was thrown from the panel straight onto the Question Time set.
Every time Jessie J speaks my boyfriend goes 'huh!' because she always does it in her turgid songs. Huh!
Don't know why Reggie Yates is on this show. Holly could do it easily on her own. Oh God, it's like when Pointless first started and they had to explain the rules 10 billion times over. It's not that difficult. They've got their backs to the acts. They press the button if they like the Voice. End of, as Saskia from Big Brother would have said. God, my references are more out of date than Tom Jones's.
Imagine being patronised by Jessie J. On TV. They should put up Samaritans number at the end, the humiliation is so great. I'd rather be spat on by Cher Lloyd or hit on by Kirk Norcross.
I always imagine an American person watching the UK versions of their shows and crying with laughter. London Ink, for example. Honestly, we haven't got a clue. Endemol shows should be all about sex and drama and twists and fakery. This is just a bunch of old farts sitting in chairs. I can see that in my own living room, even when the TV's broken.
The best bit about the US version is all the judges gurning at each other. They have quite good chemistry, too. Christina is a drunken mess and charming, Cee Lo is a big cuddly bear, and even that twat from Maroon 5 is entertaining because he's such a doofus. The country one isn't worth mentioning as you haven't heard of him and I suspect he can't remember his own name.
The first contender is doing a Jessie J song. She's not going 'huh!' though. Huh fail.
Will.i.am is annoying because you have to write those dots in his name. Every journalist on the planet must despise him for that. I shall just go the Daily Mail route and call him Mr. Adams instead. That's not the ONLY reason Mr Adams is annoying, though. He's got an annoying face. His eyes are a bit far apart. He wears annoyingly bright clothes. He's mates with the hateful Cheryl Cole. He helped make Fergie and her appalling 'humps' famous.
What songs is Tom Jones gonna give people to sing? Some Catatonia bullshit? Who on earth is going to pick this Script dude? What contacts does he have? He doesn't even have enough nous to make HIMSELF famous! Scrapt!
Bloke from Five: still shit.
I like the contestant named 'Samuel Buttery'. What a fantastic name. Do you think his mum's called 'Utterly'? He's got the best voice so far. I wonder why no one else turned around except for that disgusting toad-faced Welsh sex-creep? I'd hate having to cow-tow to that disgusting leery old pig.
My TV is strobing and it's doing my fucking head in. I'm going to put my foot through it in a second. As if this isn't torture enough? My TV strobes during Pointless, too, all the license paying channels. Thank fuck I gave up watching Eastenders. Don't come round mine if you're an epileptic.
Alopecia times! I thought Jessie J said it wasn't all about the sob stories. Mind you, she said it wasn't about the money, money, money, either. That contestant looks better with her scarf off. Some people suit a bald head. Surely Jessie J is wearing a wig, anyway? What... that's her real hair? Mentalz.
Push the button... don't push the button. I love all the gimmicks. I like the thrones. Where the fuck is Holly Willoughby?
That guy who did Oasis was dull as fuck. Mr. Adams has 'cats he hangs out with at home that live and eat music.' Mine live and eat Hi-Life tuna and salmon.
Tom Jones, stop name-dropping, you're worse than Courtney Love and Michael Masden combined. I don't think Master Adams can really use Michael Jackson as a successful case-study of his career highlights.
Jessie J mouthing the words to 'Come Together'. Fab Macca must be proud. This contestant isn't bad looking. Insert 'come together' joke here. He's got an amp, a guitar. Must be a real musician, then.
Has anyone picked DOD from the Script yet? Ooh, this guy just did. Sucker. DOD can't even name drop Louis Walsh, and he's Irish.
I like Mr Adam's comfy place in hell analogy 'next to a hot rock'. Is these the pearls of wisdom he's guiding Tweedy's career with? Just as good as being on X Factor USA with Simon Cowell, right?
This guy doing Elton John has a good voice. He's super camp. Did Jessie J just say, 'Your lips are mad clean'? What the fuck does THAT mean? She's making me pine for Tulisa's banal commentary. FYI I prefer the blonde, fun blow-jobby Tulisa to the stick-up-her-arse dressed-20-years-too-old-for-her-age Tulisa on X Factor. God, I hope Jessie J doesn't have a sex tape. HUH! Can you imagine a Tom Jones sex tape. Huh... huh... huh.... bluh!
This person called Twinilee is pretty. She looks like a model. Shit, I thought she was good. I'm surprised no one turned for her. That guy who did Train was quite good, too. Ones I like never go through.
Judges really need to work on their gurning. I also don't like the stupid subtitles when they do their chatter and fake button pushing.
I like this last girl's t-shirt. She's doing Jessie J; note the 'huh's! What a horrible song. She has got a good voice, though. Good legs, too. I think she's going to pick Monsieur Adamz. Jessie J's got screw-face. Mind you, it's quite hard to tell the difference from usual. She's got a face like a paving slab.
To be fair: this show wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be a car crash, but it was reasonably slick. The hosts seemed like they were hidden in a cupboard and even the disgusting Jones didn't make my skin crawl as much as expected. I'll give it another coupla weeks.
I'm going to try watching BGT but I can't face blogging it. Walliams is a good choice for a judge but it makes me angry that Simon will preside over that old crap but won't drag his man-tits over here for the UK X Factor. He's a lot better at picking singers than grannies with dancing dogs. He's wasted on this show. Come home, Simon. I miss your grinchly ways.
Right, I think that's my word count for the night sorted. Have a good one.

The Apprentice: Print knobs

I normally hate it when people tinker with the format of shows, but boy does The Apprentice need a shake up. It's like a recurring dream you can't wake up from. I so badly want Alan Sugar's head to start spinning around or for Nick just start machine gunning them all like in Robocop. Why can't they kill one from the losing team each week? Or at least maim them?
I'm not even going to comment on the stupid stuff they are scripted to say at the start, except to say 'I'm blonde so people underestimate me' is truly pathetic and embarrassing to women as a statement. If people are underestimating you because of a hair colour, that aint your only problem. It's self-hatred.
Obviously the best bit is where they pick the team names. We've come up with the Wildcats and the Renegades. Let's see what shit they sick up.
I think Alan's been on the whiskey: 'if I wanted a friend I'd get a dog', 'I want you to be the Marks to my Spencer' and 'we're not playing Where's Wally'. Has he ever actually watched his own show before? It's less 'Where's Wally' than 'Kill every single last one of them.'
Did someone actually just say 'I'm like Marmite, you'll either love me or you'll hate me.' Just shoot that bitch now, do the planet a favour. JUST SAYING!
There wasn't enough arguing about the team names in my opinion. Is the girls' team name Sterling or Stirling? No matter. No one was keen to be team leader, were they? I think Karren (her spelling) Brady has been taking screwface lessons from that new copper in Coronation Street.
I got distracted for about 15 minutes there because I'm addicted to this new app Draw Some or Draw something, which sounds stupider). Must pay attention to this boring programme that everyone loves and has told me to blog.
Lord Sugar: 'you couldn't get nothing simpler than this'. LEARN TO FUCKING SPEAK.
It makes me laugh when people talk about working 'in the field'. When I worked at Save the Children 'in the field' meant Ethiopia or Haiti or DRC, not going to the fucking zoo.
Bilyana's giving Alan a bit of backchat. She's going to get the finger.
The only way to make using the word 'key' worse into a sentence is to say 'I'm a key member.' You might as well just say I'm an enormous prick.
'I'm not here to win a popularity contest': almost as stupid a thing to say as 'I'm not here to make friends.' I just don't think I can stand the cliches anymore. 'It doesn't take a brain surgeon...' AERJHRJHEFESKJFDSKJDFSKJDFSKJDFKJFKJREUGIITRGI I can't stand it! 'Too long in the tooth!' erhjgfjkerjewkjlefwkjf54jiogtiijorgrkwjag;tes One more cliche and this blog stops HERE!
'I've got a small voice' - it doesn't fucking sound like it, you foghorn.
RESOOOOMAYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Oh just stab me now. I can't take it. I can't TAKE IT.
'I was made head girl'. Oh Christ. Did you get a swimming ribbon at school, too? 'Bring out the violin'. I can't watch this again. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I tried and I failed. I tried and I failed, oh Jeane.
OMG HE JUST SAID IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. ROCKET SCIENCE. BRAIN SURGERY. ROCKET SCIENCE. BRAIN SURGERY. ROCKET SCIENCE. FUCK OFF!
Someone went home. I don't care who. I'm sorry. You're on your own with this one, folks. I'm out! See you on Saturday for my annihilation of the UK version Voice. And if you thought cliches make me angry, wait and see what I've got up my sleeve to say about Tom Jones.

My Phone Sex Secrets

Here's my phone sex secret; after I left university and no one would employ me, I saw an ad in the paper for phone sex line work, and sent off for the application form. I've still got the application form somewhere but it was enough to put me off. You had to create an elaborate character for yourself and grin and bear it when men were disgusting animals. I had neither the spine nor the vocabulary for it.
It's a bit like volunteering for Samaritans, which I've toyed with; I don't actually have the balls to be on the coal-face, one to one with the uncensored reality of suicide or spunk (and sometimes the two aren't that far apart). I'm not cut out for it. It's customer service, really, isn't it? I can't say 'have a nice wank.' I'd just want to laugh.
And for phone sex at £8 an hour, it wasn't worth it. But I admire those who are ballsy enough to do it. I like the fact the girls on this programme are having a laugh with it, and basically taking the piss out of men. It's acting, I suppose, but I'm not great at acting.
I love the fact they're all doing mundane stuff around the house or in the supermarket taking these calls. I love the housewife who's all matter-of-fact and painting the wall whilst the bloke jerks off. Her accent is so unsexy, too, she's like someone off Corrie or something, it's so British.
I'm not sure I even consider this 'sex work'; you don't have to touch anyone or emotionally commit. It seems more like a game and quite harmless.
I like the dominatrix one and how she's so polite at the end. I kind of feel like she shouldn't be giving away all her secrets like about the sound effects and stuff. She's ruining the mystery! I wanted more of that stuff though, like squishy noises and clanking about. I like the charade.
I understand the point about it skewing your view of men, but if you don't know that the majority of men are sex-obsessed then you don't know much. Men masturbate: and so do women. There; the world didn't end at that revelation.
If I did have the balls to do it, or was desperate enough, I wouldn't have a problem doing sex chat whilst in a relationship. It's not cheating. It's not a relationship. It's a paid fantasy.
I thought it was a bit weird when the woman met a client and started dating him though; surely that's against every rule in the book and something of a safety risk? Mind you, is it any different to meeting someone online? I don't know.
Bonus points: My hits for this blog should rocket with all these sex tags. Sadly, the people stumbling across my blog are going to be bitterly disappointed. Hey ho!

The NME awards 2012

Honestly, anyone would think I just watch this awards shows to be antagonistic. Well, I do, but only cos I've not really been watching anything else at the moment, except several episodes of 1000 ways to die, a zillion episodes of Pointless and a fair bit of LA Ink.
I have a feeling this show is going to make me feel really old as I find myself out of touch with indie. But then again, it is a very prescribed and predictable form of indie, sponsored by Shockwaves, no doubt. Mind you, nothing could be as bad as The Brit Awards, not even being shot in the face.
Let us begin. Oh Jack Whitehall is presenting, I actually like him, I think he's quite underrated. Or is it Noel 'tryhard' Fielding?
I thought this Kasabian joke would have ended a lot sooner than it has. Are we that hard up, are we really? I'll file this one under 'lad culture'. It says nothing to me about my life.
I'm not even going to comment on all the peoples sitting round looking like theyr're sucking lemons.
Ah, James Corden's gargoyle just turned up. Guess that's another severed alliance. Noel Gallagher must feel about 100 when he goes to these events.
I hate it when any programme tells you what's 'coming up.' That's what killed TOTP. The only way you could watch it was in the hope of something good coming up, telling you beforehand that it's a bag of shit is cruel. I don't even like reading reviews for films before I see them. I like to come at all things from an angle of pure ignorance. The worst one they do it in is 1000 ways to die and ruin the ending. I want to guess what's going to happen! I have to fast forward those bits quick.
Best solo artist. Miles Kane. Who? Frank Turner. Who? Floreeeenailsdownblackboardeeeeence. Laura Marling zzzz. Florence won. Why doesn't she ever take that machine up on stage with her? I think it's because said 'machine' is a sandwich maker and she's super greedy.
Alexa Chung is one of those 'too busy to eat' cunts. If 'too busy to eat' means sticking your fingers down your throat after you've had a cigarette for your main meal. I've seen cuddlier looking porcupines.
Florence is quite posh isn't she? Doesn't explain why she had that punishing paper round. Perhaps she lived in a haunted mansion and the ghosts kept her up at night. It would explain the outfits, too.
Betst International Band. The Strokes, lol. I always prefered The Vines. Arcade 'only one good song on every album' Fire. Foo Fighters won it, what the fuck? Didn't they win that at the Brits too? The only good thing Dave Grohl has ever done is cut off his 90s hair. After that he should have disappeared in a puff of smoke, like the other one did.
The Horrors. I saw the Horrors supporting Morrissey once, and Faris actually yawned whilst he was singing. Everyone's a critic, arent't they? I can't look at him without thinking 'nose'- it's worse than Alex James and cheese. Then the second thing I think is 'Peaches Geldof.'
Best new band. Wulyf. Foster the people. Nope, me either. The Vaccines are so fucking derivative. They're like a comedy band, like Kings of Leon.
Pulp have won Outstanding Contribution to Music. I really wish they'd left Pulp where they belong, back in the 90s. It feels like they dug up my nans grave, put her in a nice dress and gone, 'this is just as good'. Well, no, it won't do. Also, are we pretending we ever liked This is Hardcore now? That's funny.
Jarvis has lost his ability to edit himself. It's a shame as he used to be a very witty man. I'd have a lot more respect for Pulp if they'd come back with a new album, rather than to pay for little Claude's university fees. Reuinions are total bollocks; I can't wait to see the car crash that will be the Stone Roses later this year. I want my bands to stay together, through thick and thin, long past their sell date. No band that has ever got back together has been a good thing. if The Smiths DID ever get back together (which they won't) it would be fucking shit. You can't recreate magic. It's like someone chasing that feeling from their first E or hit of heroin; that was the moment. It's gone.
Best Album. Everything is so dated. I expected to see loads of new bands, but it just the same old tired shit fron ten years ago. Arctic Monkeys. They were over before their first single came out, so they're really actually outstaying their welcome now. People are yawning, looking out the window and going 'is that the time? I've got work tomorrow.'
This Vaccines crap is just lad music, isn't it? It's the kind of thing that would have been my cue to leave the indie disco many years ago. The women at this award ceremony have all been exhibited like charming but near-extinct creatures then shuffled off again.
Alexa Chung tried to high five Jarvis but he wasn't having it.Not so cool now, hey?

Best British band. Muse, lol. I think their last good song was Newborn and that was around 1985. Kasabian won it. Kasabian dedicated their award to the Monkees and did a cringeworthy singalong. That guy looks like David Brent. Is that what we want in a frontman these days? At least David Brent had one tune. Wow this guy is an enormous prick.
OK so I don't know the show that won best TV show -fresh meat. I am still partly out of touch - phew.
Two girls in the audience looked like they were chewing their faces off. I couldn't think of much worse that doing drugs and having to listen to Florence; in fact weren't they using that as a torture tactic in Guantanemo?
The Macabees. File this under bands with names like The Zutons and The Kooks that should have run their course already. How did illegal downloading not kill these kind of cunts off?
That Hurts band sound alright. Might investigate them further.
Florence won best song. Which one was it? Oh, it was the one that sounds like you just stood on the cat's tail in hobnail boots. Oh, my mistake, it was the one that sounds like the wailing of a woman who's entire family has been wiped out in a car accident. Terrible business.
Godlike genius goes to Noel Gallagher which they already told us at the start - well ruined. The editor of the NME looks like she should be called Angelica. I suppose I should be grateful they've even got a woman editor, but the only woman who's performed on that stage tonight has been Florence. If I was a female editor, I think I might try and highlight a few more female bands/ singers. Oh, I forgot, we're just the window dressing aren't we?
Kasabian on Noel, 'he was back on the road straight after Oasis split, he doesn't have to do it.' No, he doesn't have to. We should clearly all be very grateful.
Someone just said Noel is always looking for 'new ways to evolve.' Perhaps he should try putting them in a few tunes then, rather than this turgid, pedestrian offal he's currently serving up. Honestly, it makes pine for Songbird.
Ugh, Johnny Marr. Have him and Paul Weller been going to the same hairdresser for 30 years now? I liked Noel hamming it up. But then he went and spoilt it all by singing.
Well, it was better than the Brits. But then so is slicing your toe off with the lawnmower. The saddest thing was, I wasn't out of touch, they really are peddling the same dreary guitar bands as ever. There's no music scene to be seen here.
Thank fuck I was a teenager during the 90s. Thank God we had something to believe in.

The Brit Awards 2012: The cream of the crap

I've blogged the Brit awards a mind-boggling four years in a row. The world is spinning round fast, isn't it? Perhaps I've mellowed and I'll enjoy it this year. What? James Corden is presenting again? Only Keith Lemon (an imaginary but still highly irritating person) is more odious. He's doing the spin-off show? I'll go stick some broken glass up my nose after instead of watching that.
I'm drinking Babycham. I think I might need something stronger. OK, here we go. It's Coldplay! Apparently Courtney Love is friends with Gloopy Paltrow. Can you imagine Courtney hanging out with Chris Martin? Or Beyonce? Scarecrow dreams indeed. Who do you think is the bigger dictator, Chris Martin or Gary Barlow? Only one way to find out, etc.
They should get Russell Brand to present this bag of crap. I'm tired of Adele going I wont do this, I won't do that, I'll never sing again, I'll never write about emotions again, I'll never wear a shapeless black lacy dress again, blah, blah, blah. Go away and never do these things again, then. I keep seeing you everywhere. I did like that pic of her cuddling those Grammys though, it was cute. She should have thrown one at Chris Brown.
Whitney. Is she British now? No? Move along, then.
Florence and the Machine. I never realised the 'machine' was imaginary, I just thought she kept them well hidden, like behind a curtain or something. Can I get away with the dialysis machine joke again? It's not even my joke. Her face looks like it is hanging off, she's got worse jowls than Karl Lagerfield (tm. Alan Carr). Her voice is like a thousand bottles being thrown into a skip and then fed through a mincer. I saw someone accidentally fall into a woodchipping machine on 1000 ways to die, and then spray his workmate with his bloody little human bone chips instead of woodchips. Florence could do the soundtrack to that sort of horror with her eyes closed.
Mentions of Adele so far. 2. Best female solo artist. Kate Bush?! WTF. Anyone but Jessie J. Anyone but Jessie J. Oh, it's Adele. What a surprise. She looks quite lithe. She talks like the proper London girls I know. I like that London accent, it's very genuine.
Talking of lithe, I thought I read James Corden had lost weight? Maybe they just meant that little goblin he used to hang around with.
Good reading off a card, Jack Whitehall. Who the fuck is Aloe Blacc? Sounds like something your mum sends you to buy down Holland and Barrett. Ryan Adams, that's a bit of a curveball. Jessie J just did a 'brrappppp'. You could get chucked out of the Big Brother house for less than that.
I don't get the Bruno Mars thing. He looks like a little dweeb and his music is tragic. He hasn't even got the mooooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooves like Jagger.
That guy walking in front of James Corden provided the biggest laugh of the night so far. Next time, try hiring a comedian.
OLLY MURS. Fucking hell. Forget the crab pinching his feet, that's the sound of a barrel being scraped, reggae-style. When will Olly bring out his range of cooking sauces? More to the point, when will Levi Roots release a single?
I didn't think we were this hard up for talent. Where's Jedward when you need them?
My boyfriend just said 'this is a good song.' about Olly Murs. He's either being deeply ironic or he's gone fucking nuts. My Sky Plus box just skipped-skipped-skipped 2 and a half minutes of that.
Is James Corden still going 'shabba'? I called him out on that dated bollocks last year.
This conversation between Cordy and Jessie J is super-stilted. Seriously, I can't STAND Jessie J. I think that The Voice UK is going to be completely unwatchable, which is a shame as the US version is AMAZING. Tom Jones is even more disgusting than Keith Lemon. Will.i.am (or Mr Adams, as the Daily Mail calls him) is beyond parody. The guy from The Script might be our only hope. At least I don't hate him already.
Now my boyfriend is going 'this is your sort of thing' about some ginger hobbit thing. This is about as far away from 'my sort of thing' as child molesting.
Tinie Tempah (if indeed that's how you spell it). So many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. The end.
What did One Direction just win? Most patronising lyrics? My boyfriend said that song should be renamed 'From Paedos to a Child.' I don't know what he's trying to say. Why are they dressed like snooker players? Looks like Gary Barlow has dressed them.
I'm not even going to comment on Jensen Button. Let's look at these wonderful international female role models. Rhianna. Beyonce. Feist (I know who that is, but 99.8% of that audience don't). Gargoyle.
Is Jessie J sitting with Danny Wallace? Rhianna is thick as pig-shit. I am constantly disappointed by that woman. I've tried so hard to make allowances for her, and not be a victim-blaming dickhead, but there's no getting around it. She's just a dimlo.
My boyfriend just said, 'who is this Ed Sheeran? I don't want his name ever mentioned in this house ever again.' Fair comment.
Noel Gallagher. I'm only interested if he's doing a bolshy interview. Otherwise, he can get off the stage. Oh God, Chris Martin is tinkling the ivories. I need Apple's baby headphones like at that rubbish Live Aid to block out the din (dins).
James Corden: 'tonight is the night that celebrates the best of the musical talent.' But sadly they couldn't make it.
Winehouse tribute. Well, at least she's British. And she's got that London girl accent. I'm surprised Mitch didn't come on and cover one of her tunes 'out of respect'.
Oh, there's Graham from Coronation Street. Also dressed by Gary Barlow. Liked his joke about putting on weight. It's not like Tina has upgraded by going for Tommy Duckworth.
What's Ed Sheeran winning? Worst haircut? Didn't lose his virginity until he was famous award? Most likely to be found in the shade on holiday?
Best British Group. Huey from Fun Loving Criminals is presenting this award. They've got all the top stars, haven't they? Wasn't he on 'It's me or the dog' a couple of years back? It was something like that. I saw Martin Rossiter on a home improvement show once, too. I'm hoping to see Brian Molko on the celebrity version of Pointless soon.
Elbow, lol. I liked it when Jason Grimshaw was singing Elbow songs in Corrie the other day. Jason Grimshaw would never like Elbow. He'd like David Guetta or something. Just to clarify, I hate Elbow. Just to clarify, I hate everything.
One of Coldplay is chewing gum. I hope his mum is watching the TV and poking herself in the eye with a knitting needle.
I actually laughed at Cordy's PJ Harvey and Duncan joke. The shame.
Does Adele just have that one dress? She's like Bart Simpson. I like Adele's personality and her attitude. I just don't like her music. I think she's cute, though. Her voice sounds a bit off today.
LOL Brian May. He's everywhere these days. His hair looks like a tired cobweb. Are Jay Z and Kanye West 'an international group'? How about The Killers? Foo Fighters. Fuck off. Dave Grohl can't even be arsed to do the thank you video. Courtney was right about him.
If you like this Bruno Mars dude, go get your hearing and your eyesight checked out, and then come back and apologise to all of us one by one.
There's not even been a medley tonight. Not even a fucking medley. Cunts!
Lana Del Rey is the first thing I've liked. And I only like two of hers. I think her voice is good, but over a whole album it was a bit annoying. I hope she sings, though. I like the one that goes 'I'm scared you won't be waiting on the other side', it's quite nice.
I hope that disgusting thug isn't there with Rhianna. I heard we didn't let him in the country last time, but I'm sure we'll forgive him and give him an ickle cuddle sooner or later. As if we don't have enough scumbags of our own we could deport. I think Rhianna is so off her head, she doesn't know what day of the week it is. Either that or she's just immature. But I hope she doesn't look back one day and realise that she had the platform of a lifetime and she used it to boast about smoking spliffs and not to save young girl's lives. That's quite a regret and not one I'd like to face in the mirror one day.
Ray Winstone. Not as good as Danny Dyer. But then, what is? Why isn't Phil Daniels presenting this award? Is it cos he died in that cut-and-shut on Eastenders?
So Blur are winning Lifetime Achievement Award. I got the Pointless answer for Blur Top 40 singles on Pointless the other day, Out of Time. I really like Out of Time. I also like The Universal. And Girls and Boys. And To The End. I think that's about it. I saw Superhands in a film the other night (Malice in Wonderland starring Danny Dyer, better than it sounds) and now Damon reminds me of Superhands. I hate Damon Albarn, obviously. Tender is the worst. Stop pacing around. Let Alex James thank cheese, FFS. Without cheese he's NOTHING. NOTHING!
Wrap it up, Damon, FFS. WTF he didn't even let Alex speak. What about the milk cartons? What about Graham Coxon? What about that ginger one? I bet they'll do a medley. Don't let us down, boys/ middle-aged men.
LOL George Michael just showed up, after we misquoted him earlier. Insert Snappy Snaps-outside toilet-smoking spliff joke here. I like George Michael. Not his music, obviously, but I like his devil-may-care attitude. He doesn't seem to give a shit. And I like Freedom by Wham. And Last Christmas, obv.
He's drunk! Is Adele sitting with Ricky Butcher? Well, why not? I could see Adele in Eastenders, giving Bianca a slap. If I still watched it, that is. James Corden just cut Adele's speech short because we've got to hear Girls and Boys. Girls and Boys takes me slap-bang back to the indie disco and being 14 again. I was a teenager for the best era of music ever - grunge (Hole, Smashing Pumpkins) and Britpop (Pulp, Gene etc). To follow that by falling in love with Morrissey and Bright Eyes just seems greedy. No wonder children today have no soul, look what we're feeding them. What do you fucking expect? I'd rather smash a window and nick an iPad than listen to fucking Olly Murs as well.
Holly Willoughby and Louis Spence's dancing was rather amazing. Do you think Graham Coxon is ashamed? Do you think Alex James is plotting his next country fete? Do you think Damon Albarn would rather be collaborating with some African steel band group or an irritating hologram?
Dave Rowntree looks like middle-age has caught up with him faster than the others. If I never hear Song 2 or Beetlebum again it will be too soon. But not as soon as if I ever hear Stuck in the Middle with You again. And yes, I do know that wasn't them.
Parklife just turned up. I wonder how much he gets every time they unearth him to shout over this song. I hope Denise Fox isn't watching telly right now, she'll get a shock. Keep it quiet from Phil Mitchell, too. And Ben.
Graham Coxon looks like he's been taking fashion tips from Jarvis Cocker and the dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards boutique.
I haven't even got a pithy final line. So I'll leave you with this. At least the appalling Jessie J didn't win anything. Maybe by this time next year she'll be a dim and distant memory. We can only hope. Break a leg.