Sunday, 1 April 2012

The Voice UK: I'm going to make you sang

Why the fuck am I bothering to watch this again? And more pertinently, why am I blogging it at 2am? The first contestant was quite good, he sung a proper chirpy little song, but I didn't think his voice was that good.
The way Wills sits there in that throne he reminds me of one of those boring ones in Star Wars that sit round talking about what biscuits they need on the Death Star to appease the Emporor.
My TV is strobing like an epileptic lava lamp. Perhaps I should by one that isn't circa 1987.
Tom Jones sleazily picked Barbara Streisand. It's like the judges are having an odium-off tonight. I literally don't know which one to despise first.
Some joker came on and was forced to do a Script song so at least I've actually heard one now. And I actually know it! Still it's no Sex Bomb, is it. My boyfriend told me the Eurythmics have a song called Sex Crime (which I didn't believe) and ever since we've been singing 'sex crime, sex crime, you're my sex crime.' I need to check out those lyrics, I bet they're amazing.
Wee Willy Winkie is like a little owl peeking out of a nook and/ or cranny, peering over his zany spectacles and promising that by this time next year he'll have your face painted on the side of moon and gigs lined up for you from everywhere to the Central African Republic to Kazikstan and the Grenadines.
It's soooooo cringy when the judges sing along. I feel embarrassed for Jessie J, she acts like she's about 14 and she's just drunk her first bottle of Hooch. She's one of those people who if you were friends with her you'd never go round her house because it would be full of toadying twats in pork pie hats and girls talking about organic muesli and pilaties whilst mainlining cocaine and talking drivel.
Son of a Preacher man girl can fuck off, too. She was quite ungracious in defeat, too. Yeah, get back on that horse and trot along.
The next contestant is passing himself off as 'crazy' because he's dressed like a teen Billy Idol. I didnt even know it was Like a Virgin he was singing. He gave it the full Darius treatment. I think this dipshit is going to go with Willy because they're both accountant types who've decided that wearing jewellery that comes out of those 20p egg machines is 'so hot right now'.
Mr Adams looked like he's just found out he's not got a cut of Fergie's Avon perfume deal when he didn't choose the cheeky opera girl. I love the fact she found out she could sing like that by taking the piss, that's kind of cool.
I wonder what chief Pea chats about with Cheryl Cole when they meet up for a knob-twiddling session? I bet they blow so much smoke up each other's arses about what unique and talented artists' they are, little knowing that aged over 40 you should probably shelve the neon baseball jackets, and that only doing tweets to make nasty little digs at people makes you look like the hateful cow you really are.
They should use that 'sex on fire' song on a cystitis advert. That guy's voice was quite good though. And playing barefoot, too? It's simply GROUNDBREAKING! Whatever next?
Oh God, does the world need another Olly Murs? We've already fucked him off to America, although what the fuck they'd want with him one can only imagine. They obviously haven't heard the one about the crab pinching his feet.
I think Holly Willoughby has been in this show for about 4 seconds so far.
This couple are an interesting mixture. I think they're a bit folky. They're trying to do the Darius treatment on the Beautiful South. I think Jessie J was pleased when she lost the coin toss because she was narked they weren't fussed which one they had.
Oh god, a precoscious 16-year-old goth cheeky girl. Stand out from the crowd? She's obviously never been to Northampton. There's about 10 of her on every corner. I thought she was quite good, though, shame they didn't pick her.
Jessie J can stick her stage-school diction comments up her arse. Diction is not what I want from a song. I want pain, truth and bits I can tunelessly bellow along to, not vocal acrobatics and someone going 'huh'! Tom jones has been doing that 'huh!' bullshit since before the dinosaurs got nuked.
I thought the last two were rubbish. But I do like Scripty dude a bit more now. He seems like you could take him home to your mum. Not sure that's what I want from a popstar, though.
Right, I've done my bit. Off to beddybyes. x

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The Eurythmics' "Sex Crime (1984)" is a tad lame, but I'm sure you'd know it if you heard it. I'm actually quite okaying The Voice. But who knows half of the songs these youths do...?

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