Big Brother 9: Disability Chic

Let's get one thing straight. The argument in the kitchen was not about Michael. The only person who dragged him into it was Mario, who is trying to be so PC he's coming off like Richard Madelely patronising a dwarf times a thousand. Mikey must be torn: it's obvious that he must dislike Mario, but Mario helps him around the place so he has to keep him onside. It was awful when he cried: it must be so confusing for him being in that house. It's bad enough when you can see the bloody thing.
And so the wedding, which like all weddings became boring after about ten seconds, but the discussions surrounding it seemed to go on for an eternity. I can't believe Alexandra actually objected; I'd also like to object to her disgusting forehead and face like a slapped arse.
I hope Steph goes: she made bugger all effort in the task. Lisa conducted herself with brilliant dignity, she genunely seemed bemused by it all and I loved it when she grabbed the bouquet. She IS a big girl though, isn't she? As is Rebecca, who had a Goody/Kinga moment in the garden, but it didn't have the shock value of either. The resident fat bird taking off her clothes is almost obligatory now.
On my boring list: Jennifer (so boring it took me ten seconds to remember her name), Mo, Dennis.
On my borderline boring list but might do something interesting: Darnell, Sylvia
On my shit list: Alexandra
On my 'these people are vaguely human' list: Mario, Lisa, Luke, Rex, Rachel
Mikey is a weird one; but his presence in the house does bring out interesting things in people (Rachel for example, is masterfully kind without being patronising), Rex I think I like but I've not seen enough of, and Dale? Is he trying to catch flies with that mouth? You can see his brain clicking into gear about forty years later than anyone else. God help them when they have to do a task, they'll spend a weekend explaining it to him. And for god's sake, don't let him write the shopping list; it'll read: Nuts magazeen, beer, sossiges... and that's before the adding up takes place. Thank God he's not being let loose on our unassuming children.
I think it was quite telling when they found out the results of the task and cheered that their fellow housemates were up for eviction: you don't normally get that on the UK BB, it's normally pussyfooting around and 'oh, it should have been me.'
So yeah, this lot are grasping, selfish bastards, basically. Hurrah!

Big Brother 9: Knickergate

Ok so the wedding twist was alright at first, but it just became all consuming, to the detriment of actually getting to know the housemates individually. I understand why BB wants to engineer storylines, but really the people are the storyline.
Kat- ANNOYING! How can she be one of the favourites? I swear she was putting it on a bit in the diary room.
Poor gormless Dale: You could almost see the birds twittering round his head when Sylvia was talking about escaping from the war. He was probably thinking 'Boobies!' That conversation was WAY over the head of the average Big Brother contestant; Alexandra for example, seemed to think having a sore throat was a human rights issue.
The hen party was horrific. What were they all screaming about? I was praying Rebecca wouldn't strip. Why does Michael shout all the time? I'd need earplugs in that house.
Knickergate was ridiculous: it was a stupid thing to do, but it's a pair of knickers for God's sake, they could only cost about a fiver max. Alexandra was unbelievably horrible: and she's got a daughter? She's a disgrace to humanity. I'm glad Mikey took down her name at the end. She is a piece of work, I think she's actually LESS charmless than last years rent-a-rude-girl Charley. Mikey should not be given special treatment because he's blind if he's being a wanker, but he wasn't really.
I was DESPERATE for someone to stand up for him at the end, but the sheep refused to bite. Rubbish!
Oh Alexandra... you're heading doorwardly ASAP. And not soon enough, you absolute cunt.

Big Brother 9: Stuck To Me Like a Leech

I'm liking Big Brother! Which is good, because normally the first week is quite annoying. I think the twist is really good, and is showing people's personalities up quite well. Mario, for example, seems like a decent, good-humoured guy (even if he does struggle to get the lid off his deodorant). Also, Lisa, who presumably was meant to behave like a deranged harpie has dealt with the whole situation with extremely good grace. In fact, the only person coming out of it badly is the idiotic Steph.
The proposal was brilliant. Lisa: 'I'm so shocked.' I bet! The way Steph and Mario argued in the diary room after it was like they were already a married couple. Steph was acting like a child, Mario dealt with her very well, I enjoyed him taking the mickey. It's not THAT hard to give him a peck on the lips and sleep on the other side of the bed to him. Engaged couples don't normally sleep separately. If they are put up for the chop, which they certainly should be, Steph should definitely go for being a sulky bitch, and basically blowing the story by going 'I don't like him that much.' She only has to lie til Sunday! Having said that, if they think they are actually getting married, and agreeing to it, they are grasping fools.
I was pleased the other housemates were onto them as it proves they do have a braincell between between them, at least. Surely the task is over now though?
Luke is my definite fave: how tiny did he look in that diary room chair? Why does Rebecca want masking tape? 'Maybe it's to put over her mouth.' Oh yes. Give that man a round of applause. You always need one contestant who's good for one liners.
I can't make my mind up on Michael: he's quite amusing, but his accent is proper annoying. Dale and Sylvia: getting cosy?
All in all, a good start to BB. Let's hope they keep it up.

Big Brother 9: Unhumane

I'm doing a blog as I go along! They are the most fun (for me!) but the worst written (no jokes whatsoever) so I apologise.
Complaint. Why do they have to make us watch so much of what happened yesterday. It's OK for watching some of the micro expressions you missed first time around but that's about it. Such as Luke looking pissed off when a gay man entered the house. And Lisa looking fucked off about Steph touching Mario.
It made me cringe so bad when everyone went 'awww' when Michael entered the house. It's kind of sad the way everyone patronised him, but also mildly lovely too, how they tried to work out how to respond to him. Give it a week and they'll be telling him to go fuck himself.
Sylvia interests me, she doesn't look like a Sylvia. She could be cool or evil. I ge a Makosi vibe from her (eek!) Alexandra is particularly annoying and has a horrible face. She's my most hated! Rachel I think could go far and is pretty. Quite liking Rex but lost respect for him when he showed off his glittery hood. I can't stand vain men. Rebecca might have 'corned beef legs' (Nikki Grahame said this on BBLB) bu at least she's not so anorexic she had to have a tube shoved down her throat and made herself infertile, which is presumably preferable in her warped world. Apart from that, Rebecca IS a fucking dick (and she likes The Enemy- zzzzz)
IT'S DARNELL! (and he is the whitest boy alive)
How suspicious is Steph?! I don't like her already. And I wanted to, I really did. Her bullshitting about Mario was quite impressive though. I think I quite like Mario in a way. He was taking care of Mikey loads and it seemed genuine. I don't know why everyone likes Kat so much, she's a bit annoying, but funny as well. But I could go either way on her. (How did she get lost in the Big Brother house? It's not exactly Labyrinth is it?)
Mohamed: 'Is Lisa a woman?' Hahahaha.
I wouldn't want to sleep with a snoring Mario either. Unless it was Super Mario. And even then, I'd rather do Toad. (as if, Toad is totally gay)

Big Brother 9: Launch Night

'We hate it when our friends become successful, and if they're Northern, it makes it even worse...' And thus, they stuffed the BB house full of Northerners, foreigners (daily mail alert!) and a couple of people with impediments for good measure. And then the crowd with racists and homophobes. Perfect!
So first things first. The house looked really good, I liked the luxury bedroom and the diary room chair. Davina was the same. And the twist (splitting up the couple and making Mario pretend he was dating Stephanie) was actually good, which was a start. So onto my rash snap judgements all of which are true for today and expire in about 24 hours.
Excuse the capitals, but there doesn't appear to be an option for bold on this wanky old Mac.
MARIO & LISA... Sleazy Sylvester Stallone with big ears. Boobs. Looked like a pair of doggers. I didn't really see the point of them until the twist came in. I thought for one scary moment they were going to put ALL couples in... that would have sucked.
LUKE... Bat ears. Booed back at the crowd which was a good sign. Extra brownie points for saying 'Am I the child?' when the twist was announced. My favourite.
STEPHANIE... generic wannabe WAG type, but I thought she didn't seem toooo bad. Felt a bit sorry for her when she got teamed up with the slimy Mario. And Lisa will obviously hate her, but it's not Stephanie's fault BB is a bitch. My guess at the twist was that they were going to make Luke and Stephanie pretend to be a couple, which I think may have made better TV to be honest.
RACHEL... admitting you're annoying does not mitigate you. She got on my nerves almost instantly. However, later on she was looking out for Michael so I warmed to her a little.
DALE... 'If there's any fanny in there, I'm going to nail it.' Clearly the feminist quote of the night. Redeemed himself slightly by saying 'I'm a PE teacher but I can't stand kids.' Amusing. Annoyingly good-looking, but clearly a twat with little legs and the only person to preen in front of the mirror as he went in. It was so obvious he was sent in there to be Ken to Steph's Barbie.
SYLVIA... Rude girl! Nice dress. Interesting face. Hard to judge but I'm suspecting she's going to fall into the bitchy harpie category.
DENNIS... and here we have your gay cliche for the night! Looked like a Who from Whoville. Pranced into the house to the sound of homophobic booing. Least likely to get along with Dale, I'd hazard a guess.
MICHAEL... welcome to your Pete Bennett style everyman with a heartbreaking affliction. Will he win because he's blind? Not unless he's cool. Mentioned Super Mario Kart, so he's already won my heart.
ALEXANDRA... another black girl with attitude, BB is obviously keen to dig up Charley's bones. But there's only one Charley. And you'll never find a bigger cunt than that. Alexandra got badly booed (racists!) but didn't help by generally pouting like a twat. Most likely to befriend Sylvia and slag off anyone remotely ugly.
REX... Good opener with 'Most people don't like me'. Gay dad! Ginge. Bizarre hair, it was like a little hat or something. It was obvious that he and Dale were going to chum up and wank off about expensive jeans or something. Zzz. Might be an interesting character if they don't go down the 'jungle cats' route, or even worse, the Anthony Hutton route.
MOHAMED... Afro... white trousers... I literally cannot think of anything else to write about him. he left no impression whatsoever.
REBECCA... I said Vicky Pollard before they did, but she was also a bit Beth Ditto-ey. I actually thought she looked quite good in that dress and her entrance was funny, but she had Shabnam written all over her with the screaming. If she doesn't befriend Dennis, I'll eat his stupid little hat.
DARNELL... american albino. He looked paler than me! I like albinos, they are interesting to look at. The jury is out on him, I haven't made up my mind.
JENNIFER... pretty. Obnoxious views. Very thin- how did she ever give birth?
KATHREYA... cookie monster. What an outfit... Pink wedgie and ginger spice's old shoes. I thought it looked like she had a willy when she was going downstairs, so you heard it here first if she turns out to be a geezer. Bet she teams up with Rebecca and Dennis in the 'assorted freaks' section.
And that is pretty much it. I didn't feel let down like I did last year on opening night, and there's quite a good mix of characters. Could have done with a cute guy who wasn't a complete bell-end, but hey... that's life. I think having someone blind in there will be a good barometer to sort the good from the evil and the kind from the exploitative. Surely it will be hard for him to get used to all the different voices, and imagine having to rely on that lot to take you to the toilet.

The Apprentice: Climb the Greasy Pole

Interviews are horrible. if someone asks you to do an impression of a reverse pterodactyl (I didn't know it was spelt like that either) and then moans at you when you do, what are you going to do? I just tend to think the person who asks you is a cunt.
And so, the final five. I thought Lucinda did quite well in the interviews, she kept her cool well, unlike Alex who on finding pouting didn't work, went a bit red and looked like he was going to nut someone. It's not a good idea to get angry with the person interviewing you, Alex. I know it's hard work being beautiful, bless you.
Claire, Claire, Claire. Someone at work dared to claim she 'wasn't smug' the other day. Not SMUG? She's smugger than Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Richard Madeley combined. I was not surprised to learn she used to be a holiday rep, she has that exact patronising insincerity down to a tee.
Lee... I just can't warm to him. He is just your typical Nuts/football/lager-with-the-lads tosspot that I spend my life trying to circumnavigate. Was it bad he lied on his CV? Yes. But I guess thick people have to.
Helene... she probably would work hard at the job. How boring.
Alex came across as a prize grass at the end when he dobbed in Lucinda for being flaky about wanting the job. I was amused when he described himself as a 'partially painted canvas'. What a wanker. Just pout and shut it!
And so in a final twist Alan only sent Lucinda home rather than three of them as promised. There doesn't seem to be much between them... but I suspect Claire will get it. Frankly, by next week I won't give a FUCK because of BIG BRUVVVVVVVVVVVVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't bloody wait (until they make a total pig's ear out of it, as always).

Derren Brown: An Evening of Wonders

So for my birthday on Friday night (30 May) for my pressie I was taken to see Derren Brown at the Garrick Theatre. Yes I am obsessed with Derren! I'll be glad to be on his side when he's running the show, believe me.
I went to see his last show as well, back when he was straight. I guess that one was more spectacular in a way, what with him stopping himself breathing and stuff, but this one was just as good, really, in a different way.
One thing I noticed that I didn't notice last time was the massive amounts of nodding Derren was doing, he was like a little nodding dog. He does nod a bit on the TV but this was ridiculous. It's annoying that he's just putting stuff in your head and you don't know why. Annoying, but good.
There seemed to be a hot and cold theme to the night, Derren kept dropping 'warm' and 'cold' into the conversation and sniffing and saying he was ill (yeah, right). Then in the interval it got massively boiling and freezing again. The weird part of all of this was it was never explained, so I can only presume he was just fucking with us. Naughty Derren. I liked it at the end of the show last time I saw him where he showed you how he did some of his tricks, but he didn't give us his secrets this time. Aw.
I won't ruin the show too much, but it was good fun and mind-bending as usual. There was one bit where Derren basically appeared in a monkey suit from nowhere- does he have a twin? I was looking at him on the other side of the stage one second before. The bit where he rang this guys friend was highly amusing (mainly when he made the guy ask his friend what he was wearing and he replied 'trousers, why, what are you wearing?' The trick he did with him was pretty good.
The only bit I didn't like that much was the table tipping because it dragged a bit, but it was impressive when it floated (allegedly!)
The mind reading at the end was particularly ace, I liked the fact that he knew some guy had called him a wanker just from looking at the initials on the envelope. How did he guess one woman had a fear of dressing gowns? How?! One things for sure, psychics are liars. One other thing is for sure, I want to learn cold reading! It's so impressive. Derren is God. He might as well be.
How did Derren have what was going to happen in the show (and what people were wearing) written in a locked box at the top of the stage? The answer is, he couldn't, of course. But he did.
And for that, I salute him. Why are all my idols gay?