The Apprentice: Final

'I'm not conflicting against you' sounds like the kind of thing Alex from BB would say. i.e. moronspeak!
So Lee and Claire invented a man's scent called 'Roulette' which was the height of tackiness. Apparently it was for the kind of man who 'waxes his balls'. A masochistic knob-end then. For some reason Lee got confused and thought he was making a porno instead of an advert for the perfume, 'Look into his eyes... you've wanted him for years... feel your lips move towards him'. Christ. I felt like I needed a cold shower after all that. So yeah, basically Lee buggered it up royally.
Helene also folded under the pressure, becoming increasingly grumpy and useless. Alex actually did alright despite appearing confused between what a Duel is and what Dual means. For some reason they didn't show Claire for the first half hour then she came out and said her perfume had 'sensual animal notes'. Eh? That can't be a good thing whatever way you look at it.
Alex should have admitted he didn't design the bottle! It made him sound like a right snake when he ducked out of it. But they STILL should have won the task, people were openly laughing at the roulette product. It's a stitch up! STITCH UP! Sugarlumps wanted Claire to win from the start. I wrote this sentence before she even won because it was so BLATANT.
Oh. Ok then, Lee won but he shouldn't have, he sucked! Back to reverse pterodactyl school for him. Booo. I actually warmed to Claire in the end. But she's still smug as a bug in a rug.

The Apprentice: Climb the Greasy Pole

Interviews are horrible. if someone asks you to do an impression of a reverse pterodactyl (I didn't know it was spelt like that either) and then moans at you when you do, what are you going to do? I just tend to think the person who asks you is a cunt.
And so, the final five. I thought Lucinda did quite well in the interviews, she kept her cool well, unlike Alex who on finding pouting didn't work, went a bit red and looked like he was going to nut someone. It's not a good idea to get angry with the person interviewing you, Alex. I know it's hard work being beautiful, bless you.
Claire, Claire, Claire. Someone at work dared to claim she 'wasn't smug' the other day. Not SMUG? She's smugger than Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Richard Madeley combined. I was not surprised to learn she used to be a holiday rep, she has that exact patronising insincerity down to a tee.
Lee... I just can't warm to him. He is just your typical Nuts/football/lager-with-the-lads tosspot that I spend my life trying to circumnavigate. Was it bad he lied on his CV? Yes. But I guess thick people have to.
Helene... she probably would work hard at the job. How boring.
Alex came across as a prize grass at the end when he dobbed in Lucinda for being flaky about wanting the job. I was amused when he described himself as a 'partially painted canvas'. What a wanker. Just pout and shut it!
And so in a final twist Alan only sent Lucinda home rather than three of them as promised. There doesn't seem to be much between them... but I suspect Claire will get it. Frankly, by next week I won't give a FUCK because of BIG BRUVVVVVVVVVVVVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't bloody wait (until they make a total pig's ear out of it, as always).