Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Fame, fame, fatal fame

Apologies for last night's podcast, I was off my nut. The fact it even got posted is a small miracle. There will be also no more pods until the end of the weekend as my cohort is working so you'll have to just put up with my highly biased and offensive views here or on Twitter. Talking of which, I saw Emma 'impartial' Willis on This Morning today saying 'there wasn't time' to call Winston out on his homophobic views on launch night. But there WAS time not to put him in the house after a homophobic VT, right? Stoooopid. Why is it OK to say it in a VT but not in the house? Offcom, can you make sense of it? Me neither.
So let's recap; SIXTEEN housemates and I still don't know what vaudeville is. Well at least we know they're going for quantity, not quality. I've only watched half the live feed so far but I can already see at least half of them are a waste of airtime (Hollyoaks, Geordie Shore, Ex on the Beach etc).
My main task for tonight is going to be remembering the difference between Scotty T and Jeremy, something I fundamentally failed last night.
So Daniella Westbrook and Christopher Maloney have beef. What's that about then? Have I got to google it myself or something? What is this? I know, I'll ask Siri. Shit, she told me! It's cos he's friends with her ex boyfriend or some boring shit. It's not exactly Phil Mitchell vs Ian Beale is it?
They are recapping mercifully fast. 'Is that a pimp?' Indeed.
Jonathan: 'Wow, this place looks like a nuthouse.' Seeing Jonathan off KUWTK in CBB is like running into someone from your work on the nightbus. They shouldn't be there and it freaks you out and you might possibly be dribbling or gurning. Jonathan's like: 'who the fuck are you people?' 'Weeeeeeelll, she slept with someone.' 'Oh.' Mind you, what's he famous for? Eating salad? Also, I put a fiver on him to win last night at 40/1 when I was pissed. I do like flushing money down the toilet.
Jonathan and Gemma becoming besties would be great. He loves girls with clothes shops, just look at Dash Dolls. He just doesn't sleep with them. Small problem, he can't understand a word Gemma's saying. Nae bother. It will just be something like 'I fink you're lovely! We're all gonna get along forever and go on holiday togevver in St Barts with Mason and Malika!'
I love it when everyone smokes. All the best people smoke on BB and the celebs smoke more than everyone. All the scuttlebutt goes down round the ashtray. And I don't even smoke. But I recognise that it is the cool thing to do. Don't you think it's weird when celebs smoke rollies? I mean, everyone I know smokes rollies, but can't Jonathan Cheban afford some Silk Cut? He is the CEO is the Kim Kardashian fanclub, after all. He also has a great line in wigs. He should hook David 'paintball' Gest up.
Winston: 'All the weaklings will die very quickly.' Let's hope so... all the people who got paid under 10K to go in there, so all the MTV thickos.
I quite like the Christian/John and Darren Day dynamic. They both seem unexpectedly normal.
Gest may have no kids, but he's got so many names to drop he keeps some at his aunt's house.
Hold on, is Angie putting David Bowie on blast? You can't mess with Jareth. He'll get the whole goblin city on your case. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER HIM! Your son doesn't NOT talk to you 'because David told him to.' There's gotta be more to it than that. Life's not that simple! Not even on mars. Come on, Ange, what did you do?
So it's Tiffany's 34th birthday (allegedly). Good gaming on Gemma's part there giving her shoes to her. It's like the Dan Gheesling grandfather's watch strategy all over again. Masterful.
Tiffany is 'Genna' to the end. I give it three days before they have a fistfight. It's all happy, happy house for three days, then Armageddon. Except when Farrah's there, then it's an atomic bomb on the first night and it all ends in tears and broken flip flops.
Oh, shit, who's running the kitchen? Watch yourself! Beware the ides of Vinnie Jones/Carole/Pauline/ Lisa. Sinead: 'I can cook bacon, toast and scrambled egg.' I don't think you 'cook' toast. Still, always good when toast gets a mention on Big Brother, whether it be Marc shoving it into his drunken face or Jackjoe imploring they eat it rather than make a toast, or Austin Armacost tearing Chloe Jasmine a new one for not toasting his dead brother. Toast is like my fifth favourite housemate of all time.
Diary room chair looks nice. There was no house tour was there? Guess there's nothing to see as it's all boxed up. Daniella is putting herself in the box instead of that prick Winston. What a trouper/true gamer.
Christopher Maloney bores me to tears. Waste of wax. I could not care less. 'It's awkward between me and Daniella but we're best friends.' Yeah, whatevs. Get back to Butlins.
So this Winston has gone from Tory to Democrat to UKIP mixing, like a prototype Loose Woman. He's still a homophobic twunt, though.
People on Twitter are making fat jokes about Gemma (very intelligent) but I don't mind her. She seems quite genuine and possibly shrewd, too. Could go deep with no maggots about!
Jonathan 'doesn't survive conversations like that' ie. Winston banging on. Yet he survives being driven round with no seatbelt on with Kim Kardashian driving whilst talking into her phone. What gives?
Darren Day bragging he used to go out with Isla Fisher. LOL. It's funny how things change, isn't it? A list, Z list, they're all just letters of the alphabet that Danny Wisker doesn't know.
This Megan showmance thing needs to be shot in the face before it begins. We already suffered through Ricci and Lauren. Save us. Gemma: 'Let him work for it.' ie. let him wait two nights to sleep with you. The man is so thick he needs subtitles. I don't want to see it mate.
I laid down on a towel earlier like Daniella is doing now because I was hungover at work today, because of Big Brother's launch and half a bottle of vodka. It was quite comfy.
Drug talk in the box. Real talk. Daniella and Darren: the beak files, the fame files. I like everyone in the box. They all seem normal. I think Daniella is actually a smart woman who just got really fucked up on drugs. They really got a hold on her, just like Eminem prophesied in his Drug Ballad.
There's nothing worse than someone trying to stoke up a fauxmance. Stop it, Gemma. You're not at school. It's not written in the stars. It's written in crayon, in a magazine deal.
The jury is still out on how the show will go so far; depends who they focus on. There are definitely some interesting characters in there. But will the producers let us experience them? You decide.