Monday, 7 July 2014

Big Brother 2014: Put 'em on finger blast

I'm back, bitches, by unpopular demand. My post-Matthew strop is over, but let's face it, the material I'm left to work with is not great. Helen: a one-woman mission to put everyone in the vicinity on blast. Steven and Kimberly: the world's creepiest showmance (Marriage! Looking at 'places'! Seriously!) and the mysterious non-union of Winston and Danielle. Still, I'll do my best with the slim pickings. Come, Armageddon, come.
When they're trying to make Christopher an interesting character, you know things are going down the pan, fast. I'm not even commenting on Mark pretending to say things wrong.
Why has Ashleigh got a full face of make up today? Is it a special occasion? Even Danielle's got some lippy on, even if it is a mum colour. Everyone says they don't think Winston likes Danielle, but I think Winston likes the challenge of Danielle. I think he knows he can crack her. And fuck you, Tamara. You knew him for a WEEK. You don't have dibs, despite showergate. Why does no one care about Tamara anymore? Oh cos no one did in the first place, she was just a stick to beat Kimberly with.
Why is Steven listing the ages of everyone in his family as if he's writing a tabloid? The man is an absolute freak show.
Nom noms! Christopher: Steven and Winston. Why bother nominating Winston?! He won't go.
Helen: Ashleigh (shocker!) for being 'one of the biggest gobs in the house.' One of the biggest, so who's got the biggest again?! LOL. Also, she nominated Christopher, because she had to talk to him for 48 hours, as she was stuck in the morgue with him. You're hardly Princess Diana visiting landmine amputees, Helen. You spoke to someone and didn't shout at them for a short period of time. Congrats!
Chris nominated Marlon (thank fuck) for being stroppy. How about for being a total prick? Also, Steven. Well, can't argue with that. No Ash, though? Fail.
I couldn't live three seconds in that house with Marlon, he's disgusting. I can't BEAR HIM.
Ooh, Winston nominated Chris. Boo. I'm not surprised Chris is constantly watching you, Winston, he's probably wondering why your mouth is always hanging open. He also nominated Ashleigh. Trying to get Danielle on his own, is he?!
Ashleigh nominated Ash. Not a great shock there. Ashleigh looks cute today. Ashleigh is in my top three right now. She's got balls. She also nommed Kimberly. Why! Nominate Marlon! You might as well nominate a bottle of shampoo as Kimberly. The shampoo probably has more controversial opinions.
Steven nominated Ashleigh for saying that 'he's too good for Kimberly.'What a prick. That's a compliment. He also nominated Chris for not having a 'journey'. He's ALWAYS gunning for Chris. What's your journey, Steven, getting your heart stamped on by the coldest woman in history? She's so cold she makes that woman out of Catterick look warm.
Here's a shit decision for you, Helen: Pauline giving you the pass to the final. I'm sick of shit decisions being made, too. 'The golden barge...' LOL. Quick, shut the lock. So because Helen told Christopher something about her personal life, she thinks she can talk to him like a piece of crap forevermore. And everyone just sits there.
WTF Kimberly WANTS to live with Steven? Why does she always look like he stinks of shit when he comes within eye-roll range of her?
Oh, nominations are still going on. I'd forgotten. Marlon nommed Ashleigh and Christopher, Christopher for having a go at Helen. Funny, innit?
Danielle nominated Christopher for not inviting her to that crap Christmas party where Mark was squealing like a wounded fox shut in a car door. She also nominated Marlon. Hurrah. Why is no one nominating Ash this week? Can we get Marlon out this week, pretty please?
Kimberly nominated Ashleigh for being 'disingenuine.' Maybe that's a word in America? She also nominated Danielle. God, she really has gone to the dark side. So cool with Ash and Marlon then, slutbuckets extraordinaire? Pathetic. Kimberly: 'I sometimes don't show how I feel.' I've got stuffed animals that are more affectionate than her.
I love Danielle's horror at Kimberly and Steven moving in together. Separate rooms! Ha. I didn't like it when she was being horrible about Kimberly a week or two ago, but Kimberly fully deserves it now, so fuck her.
I HATE riddles. I also hate jokes. Mark's riddle was almost quite good. That's not a good sign.
What are Steven and Slugsworth sniggering about? Pair of cunts.
Oh I thought nominations were over. It's endless! Ash nominated Ashleigh (surprise) and Danielle (boo).
Jale nominated Chris (hiss) and Ash (not all bad then).
Maaaaaaark nominated Kimberly for being 'emotionally closed'. No flies on him, is there? Thank God Mark nominated Marlon. Someone gets it. Mark is the only person to get no nominations! Whoop.
God, imagine Ash and Winston living together? They'll probably move into that old council flat that Josie and John James shared with that third wheel JJ. They'll probably throw in the decks and a magazine deal for free. I'm getting angry now, etc.
Guys, if we can't band together and get Marlon out this week, what good are we? We might as well do a joint suicide pact. If Ashleigh goes, I'm going to be LIVID. It's all decent people and then Marlon. Do the right thing, for God's sake.
What's Helen shocked about? Shouldn't she be happy that Ash is safe?
LOL, 'how could anyone nominate Chris'? The house is full of wankers! That's how.
Who's going to tell Steven that Big Brother IS a game! Fucking idiot. The man is a PRICK. Good judge of character?! He's going out with a FACSIMILE. I'm tired of this knobhead, seriously. He's got to go soon.
Ugh, who's snoring in that bedroom? Gross. Bet it's Slugsworth. Is Steven masturbating or 'fingerbanging' Kimberly? UGH! 'Open it?!' Open what! I'm hoping it was her mouth, but I think it's her rock hard fanny. He needs a bulldozer of some sort. Definitely mining equipment. That was 100% grotesque. That could put someone off sex for life. I'm traumatised. Play it into the house! Show Danielle! She'll probably pretend to faint.
PS: Sorry if you're waiting for the podcasts! My partner in bile is working overtime but we'll be catching up midweek - I can assure you it will be worth the wait. SMH.

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