Celebrity Big Brother Uk 2016: Monday big spoon, Tuesday little spoon

Bums vs ballbags

When did Christopher Biggins just become 'Biggins'? Why did it look like Chloe Mafia was feeding Heavy D mini eggs out of her hand on the LF? Who's the bluntest out of James, Saira and Marnie? None of these questions are answered in tonight's blog.
Bear has got the hump about wardrobe space. Saira is calling him 'Stephen' like a mum. 'Let's all have a line each' - it's not the first time he's said that, I bet. He is being a total dick (comedowns are a bitch) but Saira is sooooo bugging. I can't deal with her.
That boom thing isn't going to become annoying, is it? BOOM!
Renee got MRSA from having her arse deformed. There's a lesson in there somewhere. It's weird the way Renee called it 'MURSUR', isn't it? Like she can't be bothered to pronounce initials. Aubrey had a good old feel of it, too. Jeremy from Baywatch couldn't get away with that shit.
I love Bear calling Fatboy by his proper name, Fatboy. (Thanks to the guy who nicked this joke off me on Twitter without retweeting, I know it was funny, but really?). 'He keeps doing things, like getting the batteries... he's a snide!' Sounds like Callum on the eco bikes. I love him describing Frankie as 'the other fella who did the silly dancing in the garden.' Then goes: 'He's done my eyedrops, hasn't he.' Bear doesn't like Frankie stealing his eyedrops. I do think that's a hygiene risk. 'I get a bit funny with my eyedrops, I've got three with me.' This guy has OCD. 'Chloe, old big tits.' Charmed, I'm sure. Bear is putting everyone on blast. He doesn't want to go out for drinks with Grant after one night: 'give it a week, play it cool then we can start organising trips to the zoo.' On James: 'Don't tell me to keep it down, we haven't got neighbours.' Will no one think of the workers at Tesco in Borehamwood? It's a party house, I'm partying.' OK, this guy is going to be good value. He hates EVERYONE! Yes.
Frankie doesn't know about the sexist institution of Page 3. Let it stay that way.
Saira is trying to put her own personality onto Marnie in revenge from vibrator gate. Good luck. She's soooo patronising she makes Andy West look laid back. Marnie seems to KNOW HERSELF so leave her be.
Biggins is doing a classic shitstir task, calling Bear and Lewis the two least talented. He called Frankie egotistic. Marnie and Heavy D trashiest. Most iconic: Sam Fox.
Saira and James 'Muslim' chats set my teeth on edge. Saira is clutching the rulebook. Just don't talk about religion FFS. Although I suppose it's more interesting than people's boobs 'accidentally' falling out. I agree with James that people don't need religion to act decently, but at the same time acting decently is respecting other's beliefs, whether you agree or not, so it's a two way street.
Can't wait to see Frankie's presentation 'Ten things I love about me.' Pantomime horse punishment: lazy. Mob wife is boohooing about doing drugs. Marco's sex chamber has been renamed the Sam Fox suite.
Frankie is rapping about how wonderful he is. Classic. James looks SO pissed off. I like the fact Frankie just went on and on. I think he kind of revels in people hating him. He's definitely being entertaining. I saw his Twitter bio says 'social media mogul' and 'shine bright like a me' on it, which made me laugh.
Marnie saying Lewis is handsome. Slim pickings or what. She does fancy Grant but won't admit it.
Cheryl put Katie on blast in her autobiography. Saira: 'Cheryl is the nations sweetheart.' No, she's a racist mingebag who beat up Auntie. Speak for yourself!
Biggins has to spill a drink over the housemate he wants to nominate. Haha. Good one. He drenched Lewis, lol.
Renee saying Lewis acts like a dick and is over-confident. True. Renee is discussing nominations with Aubrey. BLATANT. They probably think Biggins is the most famous man in England.
Marnie quizzing Grant about Anthea. She's very blunt! 'Did you love her? How long were you with her? Did you get bored? Do you like the young 'uns' ie. me? Marnie doesn't know who Anthea Turner is. That makes me feel ancient.
I saw this 'do you like getting spooned' bit on the LF. Grant is like a lamb to the slaughter! I don't think he's flirting. I think he probably thinks Marnie's on a task but his old fanny rat spidey-senses are tingling and he can't resist.
I think he thought 'getting spooned' meant something else. Wednesday: night off. 'Cool, man.' But he did say 'I'll think about big spoon/ little spoon.' Blatant come on.
Grant apparently looks like Kevin Spacey and and he's sexy. Neither of these are true!
Heavy D fancies Chloe and wants to get in there quick as 'there's a shark about'. Who's that? Ha, him showing off his 'Ferrari' and 'sun' tattoos was one of the most pitiful things I've ever seen on TV. I'm hoping her standards are low as he was bragging about making his pants last five days earlier.
Did I really need to see Frankie's ballbag? His arse was actually alright but the nutsack was a step too far.
The show ended on a low with Bear talking shit in the pool. A change from taking a shit in the woods, I guess.

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Pot stirrers

I still can't get my head around 'internet sensation' Frankie Grande being in the Big Brother UK house. I admit, it's freaking me the fuck out. I liked Saira saying he's got camel toe and him saying it's called 'moose knuckle.' Haaaa.
I loved Saira saying 'What you doing now?' to Fatboy and him going 'This!' Too funny.
Wow, Renee's arse. What can you say? It's like two bull mastiffs being drowned in a bin bag in the canal.
Ha to Marnie saying 'you're like my twin' to Renee. Evil twin! Apparently James Whale is OK but that remains to be seen.
Aubrey is the biggest shrug for me so far. WHO IS SHE? Shit, I realised I never saw the live feed last night cos my stupid TV didn't tape it. I need to rectify that situation.
Ha to Frankie saying this Bear freak is hot. He's really not. This TOWIE one, Lewis, may be worse. Couldn't they have put a sexy guy in there for us ladies?
Biggins name dropping Liza Minelli, ha. I prefer Lasagne Minelli.
What does Biggins know about what women do and don't like in bed! I bet I give a better blowjob that that old fart. Fuck him. Frankie going 'that's true' that men give better blowjobs than women. Biggins and Frankie have never slept with a girl! I wouldn't comment on gay sex and what goes on, so why do they disparage women like that? Do 'a lot of women' not give blowjobs? Maybe Saira Khan.
Ha to Marnie flirting with Grant Bovey and him refering to himself in the third person. I liked it when he said he was 72 and she basically believed him. Grant Bovey looks like Darren Day left in vinegar for a season or two.
James deflecting racism by saying he's the judge of the British curry awards. Saira is like the new Perez, quizzing everyone.
Renee talking about 'Middle Easterns getting guns' - eek. James: 'Every religion believes in an imaginary friend.' True! I think he might have some interesting things to say but he's gonna rub people up the wrong way so badly, he's never going to get to say them.
Frankie straight in with the single bed, LOL. How to make friends and influence people. CLAIMED! Then agreeing to share with Lewis, haha. Frankie is probably shocked a straight guy would share a bed with him. He's not au fait with the mantub and British culture of being a bit queer, basically.
Saira is missing her kids. IT'S THE FIRST NIGHT! (Oh hang on, I didn't spot that she was gameplanning here)
'DBAC: don't be a cunt will get you through life.' says one of the biggest cunts in the house, ie. Heavy D. He's no Gary Busey, is he?
Frankie is plotting, scheming and strategising already. Yes! Frankie needs to create a new Bomb Squad alliance against Biggins.
James wants a 'Loose Men' show. Can't we just scrap Loose Women if we're trying to equal things up? Let's not give the meninists a platform. I have enough of those cunts on Twitter.
Ugh please no Marnie/ Lewis showmance. 'I'll be in the diary room with the girls for 3 and a half minutes.' Charming!
OMG James: 'She thinks I'm a racist.' to Saira. Haha. So much has happened in the past 15 minutes. I can't keep up. Saira: 'If you're a racist, that's absolutely fine.' What?!
Biggins is having to nomate someone by kissing them on the lips, and the other housemates are in on it. I kinda like Biggins' dressing gown. Should they be making him kiss people on the lips, especially a 'big sloppy kiss'? Sexual harrassment (just ask Frank Eudy)!
Frankie and Katie singing Spice Girls to get nommed was amazing! Great strategy. Aubrey shouldn't be asking Biggins directly for a kiss, that's shady. I think Biggins is onto it. He watches the show and probably heard them scream when he was in the DR.
I love Marnie asking Saira if she was going to have sex and asking her if she brought a vibrator in. Saira: 'I'm married, I don't do sex.' What did Marnie say to make James walk off? Something about ice cream!
OMG to Marnie asking Saira if she's ever masturbated. Saira looked disgusted! There's a bit of a social and cultural clash there. I think Marnie was drunk. though.
OMG so much is happening I can't keep up. This is magic!
Ooh Saira's face when Biggins nommed her! But I think he nommed her because she was upset about her kids, so it's her own fault (I only realised she did it for strategy later).
Lewis in his Y-fronts in the pool. Yuck. But not as yuck as Heavy D.
Ah so Saira was faking it about her kids! True gamer. I have new-found respect for her now. I should have twigged that sooner. Haha, Bear and Heavy D are annoyed at her playing the game. LOVE IT!
I only just noticed Bear's neck tattoo that said 'be the best' and then Saira told him to 'be the best.' She's literally using his neck as a cue card.
Bear to Renee: 'Do you smoke?' Her: 'Pot?' LOL. Now that's a Big Brother I'd like to see. They are still awake at 5am! You can hear the birds tweeting.
OMG that episode went SO FAST! It might be due to the half bottle of wine I drank? Not too sure. MUCH improved on last night, I can see fights and controversy coming from ALL ANGLES. Bring it!

Celebrity Big Brother 2016 Launch: Glitter bugging

Battle of the cocks.

Jesus, Emma actually looks good. Double Jesus, they're really putting Frankie fucking Grande in there. Scott Hudson must be apoplectic.
They have painted the house GOLD because they are CELEBS. Have they fucking hoovered, and to Jason's (yes he won it two days ago, remember?) exact EU specifications? 
First up, Christopher Biggins. Kind of feels like he's already been in there, but I know that's cross-pollination from the jungle. You shouldn't be allowed to go on CBB if you've been in the jungle, or vice versa, IMO. That's my reality rule. Who's gonna be top gay dog, Biggins or Grande?
Oh they've brought back Marcus telling us about each housemate. I hope they've tidied up the house cos the last lot left it like utter tramps.
Oh God, not another Loose Woman. Saira Khan. She seems like one of the less objectionable ones, but that's like being one of the least objectionable Nazis. They must be running out of Loose Women to put in. They need to start genetically modifying them.
Frankie Grande; well, he was on a season of BBUS, BB16 if you want to watch (and you should). He's Ariana Grande's brother, don't you know? If not, he'll tell you a billion times. He's also a known cunt. SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A FRANKIE! Catchphrase alert. I don't really know what to say about Frankie. You'll see. Ha, my friend Dawn said she read something about Frankie and gang rape. I think that's when he said the Zingbot was going to fuck someone, but I can't remember who it was. Christine? I digress. PROPS! But what about that time he won the Battle of the Block single-handedly? That was the best. Now I just want to mention Derrick Lavasseur and Cody and Zach and Caleb but it means NOTHING to anyone, so I'll just shh. But UK people should really watch BBUS, it's fuckin' amazing.
Next up is Fatboy aka Ricky. What did he do to get in the press (in a bad way)? I always liked Fatboy in Eastenders. He was one of the only likeable things in it.
Renee. 'Who doesn't fucking like to swear, it sounds better!' Yes! OMG she's a Mafia wife who's husband because a cocksucker. I think she's threatening to kill people in her VT. Strong VT game. She's going to be good value, I can tell.
Ugh someone off Geordie Shore, Marnie: just shoot me. They all TALK THE SAME. She's bisexual and 'quite classy'. Is that relative to the human race, or the Geordie Shore cast? Mind you, she'll have to stoop pretty low to reach the level of half-human half-dog previous CBB winner and shitty sheet merchant Scotty T.
Next in is James someone, I have no clue. A broadcaster? I have never seen him before in my life. Apparently he saved someone from suicide on air, but he's just coming off a a sexist twat. He's 'not going into the house to have people shouting at him and saying ridiculous things.' Where do you normally go? He's got first boot/ ejected written all over him. 'Please vote me out soon.' Ha. The new Ron Atkinson.
Next in is Aubrey someone from some band I've never heard of. She's 32 so she gets botox. OK. She doesn't want to see Donald Trump in the house. I don't think Endemol has that much clout. She wants to be 'stimulated' by her housemates. Well they all seem gay or old so far, so good luck. NO MALE HOTTIES.
Next is someone from Ex on the Beach called Bear. He looks like a little tit. He's famous for 'kissing all the birds.' He's not the 'cleverest'. He believes the 'world is flat.' Bring back Tila Tequila! I LOVED it when he said 'lump all your money on me to win at 12/1.' Hilarity. Why is he wearing a Hawaiian shirt? He's milking it somewhat. He's a mighty douche.
Next in is Katie Waissel from X Factor. That was soooo long ago. Is she really a celeb? Having said that, she'll probably be OK, I'd imagine she has a screw loose. But she's married now so may be boring.
Next is Lewis from TOWIE. Geordie Shore, Ex on the Beach and TOWIE? You're spoiling us! Ugh. Talking about 'nicking a bird.' God, look at the state of this guy. I'm actually feeling sorry for Frankie Grande at this point. How is he going to understand these people? I'm not sure I can. Emma has to put up with too much sexual harrassment in her role as host! Justice for Emma.
OMG Grant Bovey! MONEY. He's looking like Darren Day. Rats and snakes take the same form. I wanna see Grant Bovey and Frankie either butt heads or make toast. Grant Bovey is one of those people you can't just call Grant, it has to be Grant Bovey. He stroked Frankie Grande's scales. OMG. I liked him asking everyone if they 'know what they're doing.' I doubt it.
Chloe Khan is a Playboy playmate and was also on X Factor. Join the club. Slug lips, annoying voice. I like 'If you don't get booed you must be ugly anyway.' Good reverse psychology. But then she got cheered! Mindgames.
Next in is someone off Storage Hunters called Heavy D (I think, I stopped concentrating at this point). This is a barrel scrape. What next, someone off Homes Under the Hammer? His lime green ice cream print suit is something else. Spectacular. He seems ANNOYING AS FUCK. He's deffo gonna clash with Biggins.  I can see him sizing him up already.
Final housemate is Sam Fox. She KNOWS HERSELF. She looks good, if a bit like Sharon off Eastenders. I reckon she's gonna team up with Biggins. Watch this space.
Is that it? Hmm, who can I root for? Mafia woman, Frankie Grande... shit. I'm going to have to root for Frankie Grande. FUCK. Jesus save me.
Oooh secret Head of Household. Frankie, please. I just voted for him on the app. 'You tube sensation'. Bhahahaa. He's a social media mogul!
I like the way they're deciding on the 'secret boss' during the silent disco. Hilarious. OMG it's Biggins. WHY! Was cool the way they did that, I liked it. I also like Biggins rainbow/animal print striped shirt. Him and Henry are gonna have some serious BEEF!
OMG they're telling all the other housemates! They have to wind Biggins up to get nominated! OMG it's actually a good twist. BUT THE REAL TASK IS becomes decent! I can't believe it. A good first night twist. I mean, the housemates are shit. But a good twist. It's a start, isn't it.

Big Brother UK 2016: Hughie goes? (Fuck) you (who) decide(d)

Soz for brevity, I'm on the iPad again. Emma looks like Miss Haversham. Why so dowdy? Why is Evelyn getting booed? Oh because she's a woman. Hughie cheers! Yes! I'm voting Hughie. Jackson got cheers too. 

Where is Marco/ Andrew and the twins? I miss when the old housemates used to strut down the stage. I guess there's too many now. 

Jason has smiled more in the past 6 weeks than he has in the past few years. He should tell his face. 

Why are they bothering to 'interview' Sam and Alex? Who gives a fuck. 'No ones seen us.' Cos you're shit. Alex getting lightly grilled on Evelyn. 'Mugging a bird off'. Charming. You did, by the way, mug her off. Hope the funeral eulogy is worth it. Also, those shoes. 

Bet the two women go in the two by two eviction. I knew it! Jayne and Evelyn both look lovely. Four men in the final! That is some bullshit. Sexist dicks. At least people didn't boo when they came out. I think. 

Emma's like 'there there ladies for making it to the final'. 5th and 6th place. Not that great, is it? Jayne and Nikki need a spin off show. 

Emma is not letting Evelyn speak. Evelyn still thinks Alex is genuine. Seriously. Did they ever even snog? Ah, Jayne's best bits were good. Top DRs. 

OMG I wish I'd voted for Andy now. He didn't deserve to go out in fourth. CHVRCHES for his eviction song. Cool. How did Jackson and Jason get more votes? Will no one think of Lateysha? 

Emma: 'There's half a percent between the top two.' That old chestnut!

Andy missed high brow conversations in the house, like that time he was in that lift with Lady Gaga. What a snob. I note the rat is there to greet him. 

Hughie looks orange, Jackson looks 80s and Jason looks like he's going to a wedding. 

Omg Jackson out next. Imagine if Jason wins? Emma says there's half a percent in it. Do you believe her? I've voted twice. Don't think I can do much more. 

In a way I half admire Jackson's 'extra an mid-80s Madonna video' style. Georgina looks ropey, to be honest. I like the way Jackson spoke about her. Even if it's just magazine-deal-itis, it's nice to ha someone speak about you like that (I'd imagine). 

Seriously, how did Jason win! Hughie would have been SUCH a good winner. Would have been so fun. He's such a lush person. He was ROBBED! Sooooo depressing. 

Hughie: 'If I'm honest, I don't think one person thought he was going to win.' Haaaa! 

Aw Ryan. Ha, his tattoo. Lol. Omg when Hughie said he wanted to make a go of it with Ryan I cried. I haven't felt this optimistic about a BB showmance since Steph and Jeremy. Oh...

Your winner.... Jason! All that gameplanning finally paid off. Has anyone taken a look at Charlie's phone bill? So the lesson here is steal 20k off people and you win? What's the moral of that story? Who actually voted for Jason? Was it Chelsea? It's like Brexit all over again: it makes NO FUCKING SENSE. 

We never, ever get the winner we deserve. 

PS: Big Brother Bile is on hiatus but enjoy FRANKIE GRANDE in the Big Brother house. We've got podcasts galore about that cunt. It's been a shit 2016 and so far, this has been the icing on the cake (Jason winning, not Frankie Grande, who I'm sure I'll enjoy seeing befriending Biggins.) 

I'll be back when I've got a new laptop. Cheers for reading. 

Big Brother UK 2016: To our fallen brothers

Please forgive any typos, I am currently laptopless so writing this on my iPad. It's not been the best month for BB-related output from me, but you can't say I'm not trying. 

So the two least deserving go tonight to zero crowd. Who will it be? Sam is obviously a shoe in followed by Evelyn. Who else? I would LOVE to see Alex go. I can't see Andy, Jason or Jackson going as I think they must all have fanbases of a sort. 

Zoltar! A twisted carnival. Good grief at Jackson naked with his bits out. Hairy arse and scraggy pubes. Still I rewound it. Alex saying something sexist about knocking shops, groo. He is so vile. If a woman behaved the way he does she'd be burnt at the the stake. 

Jackson is consulting Zoltar. OMG that's how they're going to evict them, isn't it. Yesssss! 

Jason pretending he's learnt about Hughie's lifestyle, especially after the DR roasting Hughie's gave Jason. Is that the lifestyle of bisexuality or being a traveller? Great gaming, Jason. 

I like the outfits for this task, the striped t-shirts and braces. They look cute. Jayne thinks Andy has an amazing aura. I like the Andy and Jayne friendship, even though it came out of nowhere. 

Zoltar sounds like Andy. Jackson and Andy are the most memorable housemates. Whyyyyy? Please stop beatboxing. 

Hughie and Jackson are very cosy. I don't see why Jayne was voted least happy with Jason. The Hulk thing was made for his best bits. Along with him smashing the set up yesterday. 

Evelyn looks pissed off with Alex at last. He's on a one man slutshame fest, so caught up in his eulogy planning that he's forgotten how to be a human being. I HATE him. I would pay good morning to see him go out tonight. 

When they called Sam and Alex up and called them the least popular I literally couldn't believe it. 

OMG my prayers have been answered. Idiot general public got it right for once. I am in shock, as were the housemates. Best tweet ever goes to @amcgowan1970 on Twitter for 'At least they've avoided the stress of editing the best bits collection for those two.' Ha! 

Alex: 'I just don't get it.' What don't you get, you entitled piece of shit? You did NOTHING. All the others: 'Is it a joke?' No, the fact you got this far is a joke. I love love love the fact he was beaten by Jayne but ESPECIALLY Evelyn. 

Jason covered in green groo, has come to speak to Big Brother. Andy actually has a nice shirt on. What happened? Andy and Jackson are being a bit smug in the garden. 

They announced they were finalists and Evelyn actually wet herself. LOL. Jackson: 'To all our fallen brothers.' RIP. Especially to Marco and Andrew. 

Could Hughie and Evelyn have showmanced given another month in the house? I like their friendship. 

Jackson is pulling out the journey card. This is a great speech he's doing here. Top class gameplayer. He knows himself! He's been fed, clothed. 'What more can anyone ask for?' 100k? 

Andy and Jason patting themselves on the back for getting to the final. Sigh. 

In a way, I don't mind who wins now. They all deserve it. They've all contributed, be it positively or negatively. It's one of the strongest final sixes I've seen. And I didn't think I'd be saying that two weeks ago. But please, let's make it happen for Hughie. You could see how shocked he was when Alex left. I think he'd be genuinely shocked to win. I have faith in you, my loonies in anoraks. Make it happen. 

Big Brother UK 2016: It's a freak show

Laura was evicted. Why? Because she's a woman. There's no other reason. Because she fucked Marco seven weeks ago. Like WHO CARES? I am so sick of the slut shaming of Laura (AND JAYNE) while Jason mopes round like a cunt and Jackson acts like a twat, and Alex is a mute knobend. Yet it's the women who take the flak EVERY TIME. Ugh.
BB is rulebooking! They need Callum in there on the eco bike. Hughie's bed head is not a good look.
Andy: 'Do you give a fuck about other people or  not? Sorry, I'm in quite a snappy mood.' Ha.
Andy, Hughie is not in his mid 20s. Andy: 'I know he's popular.' Ha, that must stick in his craw. 'I can't wait to see the back of him.' We'll see the back of you first.
Hairdryer wars. Evelyn's stained onesie needs to go on the eek pile.
Jayne can't even 'sit on the bog'. Bog, ha.
Laura's eviction is happening early. Ooh, Sam said 'If you know you're not gonna win it, it's the best time to go' ie. for magazine deals etc.
Evelyn should not have outlasted Laura IMO. I was not a fan of Laura's eviction outfit, but her slutshaming was ridic. Luke Marsden on Twitter going 'she can be the face of a gonorrhoea clinic.' Fuck you, you little goblin. Gonorrhoea doesn't need advertising either.
Sam backpeddling in the DR. Can't wait to see him booted tomoz.
Big Brother's awards ceremony! Saw some of this on the live feed. Looked good.
Ooh Evelyn's arse in the embarrassing moments. Dearie me. 'Putting the ass into embarrassing' lol.
I saw the next bit on the LF. I LOVE them showing Hughie's 'fake and fraud' speech.
Andy vs Hughie! Ding ding ding. Hughie did say that just after Ryan left. Jason: 'Do you still stand by what you said?' Of course he does. Now they all know who the DR warriors are.
Andy: 'You're foul mouthed and immature.' to Hughie. Andy's just gutted cos Hughie and Jayne are better in in the DR than him.
I'm SO happy they showed Alex being sexist and gross about Evelyn. Evelyn: stand up for yourself, please. It could really help you NOT get evicted tomorrow. Alex has the smile of a serial killer.
Andy tackling Jackson: 'Why did my name come into that conversation?' Why not? Andy: 'No big deal.' A bit like 'I'm not storming off.' More disappointment!
Jackson's nervous little high-pitched laugh, ha. Then he was voted house bitch, ha.
I love how Hughie just doesn't give a fuck what Andy says because he just KNOWS HIMSELF. I feel like Hughie knows himself better than Andy.
Why is everyone brown-nosing Alex?! Sam moaning at Hughie for the toothbrush on the floor. That was a task! Bloody great task it was, too. Hughie and Jayne were AMAZING. Andy's like 'I find it quite scary they can turn it on like that.' Jealous, much?
Jason thinks Andy should win cos he's 'proper and right.' Fuck off, you gameplaying twat. Jason doesn't know himself. Andy doesn't. Hughie does. Jason trying to be Hughie to backtrack.
Hughie about Ryan: 'He's not my boyfriend.' LOL.
Jason is sooooooo annoyed at Hughie. I LOVE IT. 'A prick ting to do.' Jason couldn't get Hughie to backtrack and he was FURIOUS haaaa. Jason now digging out Sam. Jason, you can't change the perception of everyone, because YOU ARE THOSE THINGS.
Jason: 'You're unobviously intelligent' to Hughie. Haaaaa. 'You shut up.' Classic.
Andy: 'I don't know what I think instantly.' You're fake then! You shouldn't be calculating your opinion, fucking workshopping it for the crowd. It's not an opinion poll. It's not a focus group. Fuck you.
Andy is creaming his knickers about winning the most deserving award. Yeah, it's right up there with Rylan's farewell fangs, you cunt. You'd rather win that than win? Well it's your lucky day Andy. Enjoy coming third.

Big Brother UK 2016: You're the king of chatting shit

Today is Sam's birthday. Sam who? Indeed. When he was 13 back in 1975 he dreamt of being on Big Brother, which didn't even exist then. Nostradamus. It was nice to see him smile in the DR, though. I never see him smile, just his perma-furrowed prematurely-aged brow. I thought the haircut he gave to Jason was good, though. I'd put it in the top 10 best BB haircuts.
Laura to Evelyn: 'Did anything else happen other than kissing.' No belts were put around necks, Laura. Even kissing didn't happen. Embarrassing. Evelyn is coming off seriously desperate at this point.
Final nominations! Woo. Apparently there's a twist. I hope it's something useful and not dumb. 
Laura and Evelyn want Hughie to win and NOT Jackson. Agree.
'Hughie has cast Jackson in his fictional aftershave advert.' Those are the words I've been waiting to hear. SWASH! (That's for Nic)
Vinnie Jones - sorry, Jason - is making roast potatoes for all of his housemates (on nomination day).
I love Laura and Evelyn talking alliances, describing themselves as a threat and saying they've 'sussed Jackson out.'
I don't like the fact we have to watch the face to face noms WITH the housemates. We should see them first!
Laura nommed Alex (yes) and Jackson (double yes). They both took it well.
OMG Jackson nominated JASON (for eviction Lateysha). This is going to go down like Ryan after a fish guts bender. He also nommed Evelyn! Pointless. Waste of a vote. I like her red lipstick, though.
Sam nommed Jason (after cutting his hair, too!) I'm glad the Lateysha backlash is here. And Laura for talking about him once.
Evelyn is admiring the way she looks in the DR. Good to be confident, isn't it? She nommed Jackson and Jason. Jackson did not take it too well. I wonder if Alex minds being called 'Evelyn's boyfriend.' Evelyn: 'I can nominate whoever I like.' Damn right. Jackson: 'Who you talking to like that?' You, you div.
Jason nommed Jayne and Laura. No one is nomming Hughie! Yay. Alex nommed Laura and Jayne. Jayne is peed off.
Jayne nommed Jason (for being sullen) and Jackson for being ageist. Jayne looks good tonight, a bit tanned.
Hughie nommed Jason and Andy. Woah, Andy's first nomination this week. Insane. Andy nommed Laura for 'mixing drinks into fishbowls' and Hughie 'for making him feel uncomfortable, sad and lonely.' Hughie agrees with the nom. Laura is mad about fishbowl noms.
Up is: Jason, Laura, Jackson and Jayne. But there's a twist! One of the housemates will be saved. How? They're not telling us.
Jason: 'I'll talk to you later' to Jackson. 'I'm fuming.' Jackson doesn't want to stand for this. I'm glad Jackson nommed him. Jackson: 'I'm genuinely scared.' Haha. Gangster pussy.
Evelyn's arse-crack is eating her swimming costume. Laura is crying at the thought of being booed on Friday. Bit dramatic. Is it vote to evict? Jason will go.
Haha Jason is 'disappointed' in Jackson. It's like he's drafting the emotional blackmail handbook.
Evelyn on the idiot general public to Laura: 'They're nothing. You're never going to see them again.' Correct. Just like Bernardo.
Jayne has a good body, you know. Her arse is decent.
Jackson finds something 'an ickle bit strange.' I don't like him saying 'shut the fuck up' to Evelyn. Rude. Oh no, Jason agreed with me. I take that back.
Evelyn: 'You're the king of chatting shit' to Jackson. Haaaaa. Seems like Jackson has been caught out to me, and I've forgotten what they're even arguing about.
Hughie crying in the DR, aw. He's a bit lost without Ryan. He's 'drained to death by the same conversations.' ME TOO!
Sam is right, Jason feels soooooo sorry for himself. You won 20K. Fuck you.
Jayne is now boowooing in the DR. Aw, she's upset with Alex nomming her.
Jackson: 'I made a mistake to Jason.' Ooh. I wonder if he really believes that or not? Jason seemed quite happy to make friends, make friends, never never break friends.
Sam got a jar of mayonnaise off BB for his alleged 24th birthday.
Ooh I like Jackson's shirt. Jackson's clothes are literally half eek, half chic. I'm glad in a way Andy didn't nom Jason, cos I don't think he would have handled it well.
Jason: 'I'm an only child.' Jackson: 'I've guessed that.' What? It's not like you were abused as a child. You just got more toys. Boo woo.
Andy felt fantastic not to be nommed. Normal weeks he gets nommed to fuck. He was lucky.
Alex is admitting to Jackson that he old likes Evelyn 'when he's had a fishbowl.' (Jackson's words)
Alex: 'Another gruelling test of my mental and physical strength.' What is? Trying not to sleep with Evelyn? Pretending to be straight? I just don't know. But that conversation was so laddish and oafish. Grim!